Posted by fxckfeelings on July 29, 2010
Fear isn’t all bad (e.g., fearing snakes goes a long way towards keeping you from poison venom). On the other hand, fear itself is stressful and painful, so our first instinct is to avoid it, no matter what…which is, of course, when things start getting really frightening. No matter how much we want to protect ourselves or those we love, it’s not gonna happen, so we have to accept the unavoidable scariness of life (and anacondas). It won’t necessarily calm you down, but it will give you the strength to do what matters, fear or no.
-Dr. Lastname
My wife and I liked to party when we first met (nothing too crazy, we just went out a lot), but we just had our first kid, so we now spend a lot more time at home. My wife used to be a fun, bubbly person, and she still sort of is, but ever since the baby was born she’s been really stressed out, worrying that something bad will happen and the baby will die. Not stuff she could possibly prevent, just a random act that would kill our child, and the stress is so bad she is haunted by visions of our son in a casket. I think she’s dealing with this stress by drinking a bunch of wine with dinner and getting a little more than tipsy. I’ve told her to relax about stuff she can’t prevent, but she says she can’t help it, and I don’t like that she’s drinking too much, and where that’s going to go. I want to see my wife get some treatment that will relieve her stress so she can stop drinking too much.
You might wonder how wanting to help someone could be bad, and it’s because, as goals go, it’s often one you can’t reach. If you don’t accept that fact before making your plans, you’ll make things worse.
Here, for instance, there’s a good chance she’s too busy drinking and/or avoiding her problem to heed your good advice and, at least at first, she may not be able to stop herself (and if she could stop herself, you probably wouldn’t be writing me in the first place).
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 12, 2010
Not everyone is good at showing those they love how much they love them. In fact, some people are so disorganized they can’t help but blow off the ones they love, which is something, surprise, those loved ones hate and tend to take personally. You can try rewarding or punishing your beloved flake in order to set them straight, but you’d be acting in vain. For the loved-yet-jilted, it’s important to remember that the love is still there, even if the organization isn’t.
-Dr. Lastname
My son’s a good kid, very smart, and he does pretty well in school, although they’ve diagnosed him as having attention deficit disorder. Anyway, he’s so busy I rarely get to see him, so I thought we should spend more time together, and I made a deal that I’d give him some extra money for video games if he’d put aside some time for the two of us, and he agreed very willingly, but then he kept on forgetting about our scheduled times and blowing me off. Now, I feel I can’t give him the money without giving him the message that it’s OK to be irresponsible and disrespectful. Frankly, I’m hurt. My goal is to get him to be a good kid.
People often assume that hurtful actions by others are a personal affront. In fact, often when people get shat on, it’s totally thoughtless—they’ve been blown off because everything gets blown off, and nobody’s special. Feel better?
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on July 1, 2010
When a relationship fails, you can either accept that you can’t really accept them, or accept that, no matter what you do, they can’t accept you. After all that acceptance, you think it would be easy to not let that person aggravate you, but the temptation to speak your mind will stick around as long as the other person does. Your last bit of acceptance is that you need to keep your mouth shut until you make up your own mind about how to go forward, then accept your decision and politely speak your peace. No exceptions.
-Dr. Lastname
My husband quit drinking four years ago. I supported his decision to get sober, but I’m disappointed with the result. He used to be a fun goofball, but now he’s a dull grump, and I don’t like his company (and he doesn’t seem to like mine, either). We’ve started to go our separate ways but he’s not interested in talking about it. My goal is to restore the chemistry of our marriage and the good parts of his character without driving him back to drink.
Having fun with your husband is not your top measure of a partner. If you want fun, go out and have a drink.
Acceptance, rather than fun or passion, is the most essential requirement for a long-term relationship, and now you know it. Oh, first marriages have so much to teach you.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 17, 2010
If your love is blind, then you shouldn’t be surprised when it drops you into a deep, dark pit. Everyone else, the not-blind, saw it coming, but you’re the one in a pit looking for a rope. Instead of falling in love/on your ass, skip your next plunge and learn how to manage your blindness with a few common sense techniques that can keep you out of trouble, on your feet, and on the path to finding someone who won’t let you down.
-Dr. Lastname
I don’t know what I did to drive my husband away. I guess I’m a pushy type of person—I’ve got an executive job—and he’s an easygoing carpenter who spends every spare moment rehabbing old houses, and he gradually got sick of my nagging him to spend more time with me on the weekends, until one day he just moved out. Now, when I reach him on his phone, he tells me he loves me, and agrees to meet with me to talk things over and work things out, but then he doesn’t show up. I wish I hadn’t given him such a hard time, but now I want to know how to get him to come to couples therapy and put our marriage back together.
Some girls prefer being married to someone who’s never around but pays the bills. Those girls and your husband have something in common, whether you like it or not.
Before figuring out how to save your marriage, ask yourself what you want your marriage for (and don’t say love—you should know better).
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 14, 2010
While most people have multifaceted personalities (or should), there are an unlucky group whose personalities aren’t so much nuanced as they are binary; fewer shades of grey, more Jeckyll and Hyde. If you’re dealing with someone who’s double sided, or trying to hide a part of yourself from the world, it can feel like a never ending battle to reconcile and/or expose both halves. Occasionally, it’s worth exposing your secret side to end your own torment. Other times, it’s better to let people keep their Mr. Hydes to themselves if it means keeping their drama out of your own life.
-Dr. Lastname
Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.
Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.
The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.
The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2010
Very often, what we hate about someone we know well has everything to do with our immediate needs and frustrations, and nothing to do with their ability to be good friends or partners. Instead of sweating the little things, work out your own definition of what it means to be good to someone else. Then you’ll be able to protect good relationships from bad feelings, and protect yourself from bad relationships (that make you feel good).
-Dr. Lastname
I believe in being a good friend and a great brother, and because of that, I remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries, etc, so it really pisses me off when no one remembers mine. I always seem to give more than I get, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask since I’m able to keep track of those things. I have no choice when it comes to family, but I wonder if I’ve been choosing the wrong friends. I like being a giver, but I don’t like being resentful and letting them know that I’m upset doesn’t seem to do any good. My goal is to find better friends.
Don’t confuse being a giving person with being a good person. Being good is supposed to be selfless, but giving is a self-serving pleasure, and that should tell you that it’s easy to overdo and/or do for the wrong reasons.
You might think I’m wrong, and insist you’re giving because you enjoy it and want to make the world a better place. If so, you best put on a bib, because you’re talking a lot of shit.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 27, 2010
True love isn’t the kind of thing that brings two people together in perfect harmony, at least outside of “The Princess Bride.” In our world, it’s what happens when life makes perfect harmony impossible, and two people find a way to step around the bad parts and hang onto the good. Inconceivable, but true.
-Dr. Lastname
I don’t want to break up with my girlfriend, but I know that I can’t really be with her, either. We can’t live in the same city, for one thing, because I have a grown child, grandkids, and a business I rely on and can’t move. She and I first met in college, but drifted apart, then married other people. We have great chemistry and I’m really happy that I found her again and could recapture part of what we once had; we talk every day, visit monthly, and I get along with her kids and family. The problem is that we can never live in the same place, and I know how much she wants a live-in partner, and I’m sure that, as she realizes our relationship can’t go forward, she’ll drift away. My goal is to keep our relationship from falling apart for the second time in my life, but I don’t know how to do it.
You’ve got a girlfriend you’ve known for decades whom you still love, accept and want to see. If that isn’t success, I don’t know what is. Seriously.
Yes, for various reasons beyond your control, you can’t live in the same city, and there’s always a chance that she’ll find someone who can and he’ll steal your true-love away. There’s also a chance Megan Fox will call you up and ask you out, but I wouldn’t plan your life around it.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2010
Parent/child conflicts can get particularly brutal when people are scared for and determined to save one another. Emotions run stronger, stakes are higher, and the gloves are never on. Instinctively, kids and parents fight for control and submission, and regard it as defeat to accept a new reality and get over it. The reason the instinct is so foolish is because control is impossible, so the battle becomes endless. Conflicts like these need to be handled with great care; they must call them kid gloves for a reason.
-Dr. Lastname
When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.
You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.
Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2010
Some of the more interesting personality traits a person can have push hard against the constraints of fidelity; for example, the truly gregarious can’t limit themselves to charming just one person for the rest of their lives. Then again, those traits don’t make being faithful impossible, so before you make assumptions about these traits, be they yours or your partners, give yourself a chance to see if they can be managed, and have been managed, and whether managing them is worth the trouble. The management effort may never be easy, but nobody ever said fidelity was a breeze, and if they did, they were just trying to be charming.
-Dr. Lastname
I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.
Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.
Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on May 13, 2010
Some people think self-improvement begins with first finding your faults and then hating the crap out of them and yourself. In reality, hating your faults is a perverse feel-good, like chewing on a canker sore. Attacking yourself, or even those close to you, just kicks someone when when they’re down and makes self-improvement that much more difficult. If you want to improve yourself, improve your tactics, because there are better ways to get better.
-Dr. Lastname
I’ve been a complete, stinking failure since I graduated from college. My job pays well, but I hate it with a passion because I’m treated like shit. Then again, I don’t have the skills to find anything better, though I’ve tried. My drinking has kept my girlfriend from moving in, and, since I’ve never loved anyone else, that means I’ve never had a relationship that works. I don’t really have friends because I’m too nervous to let anyone really know me and I work too hard to meet anyone (at that job that sucks). Now I wonder whether I’m being honest with you, or just whining and slinging bullshit. My goal is to be someone else.
It never ceases to amaze me how people who launch into the most brutal monologues of self-criticism would never allow their friends to talk such shit about themselves in their presence. The only thing they truly fail at is holding themselves to the same standards they hold others.
WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
