Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2009
Love is at its most dangerous not when its bonds are most intense, but when its status between two people is muddled and ambiguous. Here are two cases where the feelings are unclear but the stakes remain high.
-Dr. Lastname
I don’t know if my husband is cheating on me, but I admit that I’m convinced enough that I’m wondering what to say to him. He’s always looking for an excuse to get out of the house—suddenly every single game, no matter what sport, deserves a trip to the bar with his buddies. It may just be that he doesn’t like to hang out with the kids, or that I annoy him, but that seems to extreme. We’ve never had a screaming fight about the whole thing, mostly because we’re both too tired from work and life and whatever. When I do joke about it, he just swears up and down he’s not cheating, and that he’s going alone out because I hate going out with him, and that I’m letting my insecurities get the best of me. And I guess he’s right in some ways, because I am kind of shy and, when I’m busy, I forget about going out. But he knows how much it drives me crazy, and that I need help with our kids, so you’d think he’d cut back out of consideration for my needs. I’m tired and lonely, too, so now I wonder where I’m supposed to turn. So that’s it. My goal is to keep anyone from cheating on anyone.
Just the fact that confrontations over infidelity are the climax of choice for most tabloid TV programs should tell you that they seldom work out positively. Instead, they lead to mutual accusations, just-stop-attacking-me apologies, ineffective denials, and/or resolutions to do better followed by the same old behavior.
The problem is that, if he tends to lie or fool around, then that’s the way he is. As much as it feels personal, it usually isn’t, and if you looked at his past under a fidelity microscope, you’d probably find microbes of secret flings everywhere, and those microbes will keep chugging along until the Cialis stops working.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 5, 2009
For our inaugural posting, we thought we’d start slow with a few 101 cases; one person who’s lonely, one who’s miserable, and one who feels responsible for someone else’s misery. You know, simple stuff.
You’ll notice that at the end of every response, we provide a simple statement, either for yourself or for problematic third parties, that we think will simply put our advice into action. It’s less “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough,” and more, “I’m in a sea of shit, but I’m swimming as hard as I can.”
We’ll have more cases coming on Thursday, and remember, if you have problems of your own, we’re here to help. That said, read on to see what our vision of help is. –Dr. Lastname
I’ve gone on my last internet date. All my friends are married at this point, and when they set me up on blind dates, the fall-out is usually so dramatic that I’ve resorted to the internet instead. Now I’m finding out that blind blind dates are even worse. Most of the responses I get are creepy, and the few dates I like suddenly drop me, or just want something short-term, which isn’t what I’m looking for. I’m lonely, I’m sick of being single, and the whole process is making me more depressed because it’s so mechanical and devoid of romance, which is supposed to be the fun part, right? I’d say I’m a normal person, good job, have all my limbs…why am I still alone? Is this the best I’m going to get? My goal is to find a partner who will make me happy, but I’m ready to give up. –desperate.com
Finding a happy partnership is always a dangerous goal because it makes you dependent on something you can’t control but still have strong feelings about. If you don’t find someone—and there’s no guarantee you will—you’ll feel like a loser, rather than just plain lonely. If your goal is to feel less lonely, or satisfy other strong feelings that drive people into relationships and ignite excitement, you’re more likely to fall for the wrong person and/or forget about the other important things in your life. Don’t make it your goal to find someone or be happy (or, God forbid, both). Your job is to conduct a good search for a partner while remaining lonely for as long as it takes to protect your heart and everything of value in the life you have as a single person/human being.
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