Posted by fxckfeelings on July 26, 2010
Everyone wants to wow the one they love, but sometimes, no matter how good our behavior, kind our gestures, well-trained our show-poodles are, we fail to make an impression. When you can’t get praise from or live up to someone you care about, it’s not the end of the world. Besides, you’ll always have those show-poodles to fall back on.
-Dr. Lastname
I’ve worked hard at managing my temper—I can’t help it, I can always find something to be mad about, even when my family is behaving perfectly—and I’ve become really good at not snapping at my husband and kids. The kids are great, but my husband doesn’t seem to give me credit for how much better I’ve gotten, and he hasn’t gotten any nicer himself. He still treats me all defensively, as if I’m Godzillette, and it’s starting to get me mad. My goal is to get some credit for the progress I’ve made and achieve more marital peace.
If you want credit, here you go; One million space bucks worth of reward for your good deeds and strong effort. Now go in marital peace.
While you deserve marital credit from your husband, too, making it a goal to get what’s fair from anyone, especially a spouse, is usually a bad idea.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 15, 2010
We Americans love our stuff, but the lust for said stuff can cause individuals to behave badly (see: the demonic/orgasmic audience reaction to Oprah’s car giveaway). Usually, when someone goes overboard with longing for/accumulation of stuff, it’s a family member who steps up to put the breaks on, but when anyone, family or no, gets between someone and their stuff, things can get uglier than anything Oprah could imagine. If family members put limits on their responsibilities, however, there are still ways for stuff-addicted loved ones to break the stuff cycle.
-Dr. Lastname
My parents have decided to retire, sell the big house I grew up in and move into a smaller condo closer to my sister and me. The move makes sense—my sister and I are adults with our own families—but it’s brought up a sort of taboo issue for my parents, which is my mother’s attachment to stuff. She’s not a hoarder, but if my dad wasn’t around to put his foot down, I sometimes worry it could be, because my mother has trouble throwing anything away. She says that moving all the time as a child has given her a different appreciation of objects, and that it’s better to regret having too much stuff than to miss something you threw away and can’t get back. Problem is, there’s no room for this stuff in the new condo, they won’t have the budget for storage, and my sister and I aren’t able to put all of her old work files, souvenir spoons, and elementary school textbooks (seriously) in our basements. What I’m afraid will happen is that my father, who has always taken responsibility for managing their money, will try to get my mother to agree that they can’t afford to move and store her stuff when they move, she’ll keep complaining, and he’ll get nasty. How can we get my mother to learn to let go?
I know you and your father want to make your mother happy and have harmony, but it looks like she’s not eager to adapt a sparse, Zen lifestyle.
The problem is, trying to make someone happy when it’s just not possible usually causes more unhappiness. False hope is dangerous, no good deed goes unpunished, and stuff happens (sometimes in great quantities).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on July 1, 2010
When a relationship fails, you can either accept that you can’t really accept them, or accept that, no matter what you do, they can’t accept you. After all that acceptance, you think it would be easy to not let that person aggravate you, but the temptation to speak your mind will stick around as long as the other person does. Your last bit of acceptance is that you need to keep your mouth shut until you make up your own mind about how to go forward, then accept your decision and politely speak your peace. No exceptions.
-Dr. Lastname
My husband quit drinking four years ago. I supported his decision to get sober, but I’m disappointed with the result. He used to be a fun goofball, but now he’s a dull grump, and I don’t like his company (and he doesn’t seem to like mine, either). We’ve started to go our separate ways but he’s not interested in talking about it. My goal is to restore the chemistry of our marriage and the good parts of his character without driving him back to drink.
Having fun with your husband is not your top measure of a partner. If you want fun, go out and have a drink.
Acceptance, rather than fun or passion, is the most essential requirement for a long-term relationship, and now you know it. Oh, first marriages have so much to teach you.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 28, 2010
Our deepest instincts tell us that there’s nothing more important than saving the lives of those we love; it’s like the mama bear instinct, except it extends to all those closest to us, and has less hair. Unfortunately, there’s no off switch to that drive, and most of the things that threaten our lives don’t respond to sacrifice, no matter how sincere, extreme, or persistent. That’s where nagging ends and plan B begins (and B doesn’t stand for bear).
-Dr. Lastname
I’ve been getting increasingly nervous about my aging parents, particularly because my mother, who’s a very vigorous near-90, likes to ignore the real risks of continuing to vacation in their old, 2 story, roughing-it country home. She loves to garden, take vigorous walks, build fires, and keep to the same routine she had when she was 40. I know I’m a nervous person—I’m a nurse, and I’ve had to deal with an injured leg since childhood—but I’m haunted about what could happen to her if she fell down and it’s no place for my dad, who’s very frail after a stroke. When I said something to her yesterday about how she should hold onto my father’s arm when he walks, she told me to mind my own business. I’m the only one of the kids who lives nearby, so their safety is my business. How do I get her to understand she needs to be more careful?
It’s understandable that you worry about your parents, but even if they were both freakishly healthy and lived in a hermetically sealed bubble, the sad fact is, they’re both going to die.
[Moment to process.]
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 17, 2010
If your love is blind, then you shouldn’t be surprised when it drops you into a deep, dark pit. Everyone else, the not-blind, saw it coming, but you’re the one in a pit looking for a rope. Instead of falling in love/on your ass, skip your next plunge and learn how to manage your blindness with a few common sense techniques that can keep you out of trouble, on your feet, and on the path to finding someone who won’t let you down.
-Dr. Lastname
I don’t know what I did to drive my husband away. I guess I’m a pushy type of person—I’ve got an executive job—and he’s an easygoing carpenter who spends every spare moment rehabbing old houses, and he gradually got sick of my nagging him to spend more time with me on the weekends, until one day he just moved out. Now, when I reach him on his phone, he tells me he loves me, and agrees to meet with me to talk things over and work things out, but then he doesn’t show up. I wish I hadn’t given him such a hard time, but now I want to know how to get him to come to couples therapy and put our marriage back together.
Some girls prefer being married to someone who’s never around but pays the bills. Those girls and your husband have something in common, whether you like it or not.
Before figuring out how to save your marriage, ask yourself what you want your marriage for (and don’t say love—you should know better).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on June 3, 2010
Very often, what we hate about someone we know well has everything to do with our immediate needs and frustrations, and nothing to do with their ability to be good friends or partners. Instead of sweating the little things, work out your own definition of what it means to be good to someone else. Then you’ll be able to protect good relationships from bad feelings, and protect yourself from bad relationships (that make you feel good).
-Dr. Lastname
I believe in being a good friend and a great brother, and because of that, I remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries, etc, so it really pisses me off when no one remembers mine. I always seem to give more than I get, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask since I’m able to keep track of those things. I have no choice when it comes to family, but I wonder if I’ve been choosing the wrong friends. I like being a giver, but I don’t like being resentful and letting them know that I’m upset doesn’t seem to do any good. My goal is to find better friends.
Don’t confuse being a giving person with being a good person. Being good is supposed to be selfless, but giving is a self-serving pleasure, and that should tell you that it’s easy to overdo and/or do for the wrong reasons.
You might think I’m wrong, and insist you’re giving because you enjoy it and want to make the world a better place. If so, you best put on a bib, because you’re talking a lot of shit.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 31, 2010
Most good people find themselves doing the same old bad things over and over. For some of us, said bad habits don’t go beyond excessive chocolate or videogame usage, but for others, “bad things” result in horrible consequences. Understanding why people are like that seldom helps, but recognizing when people are like that (whether it’s you or the other guy) can be very helpful if you accept the fact that the problem won’t go away and take responsibility for managing it as it is. You can’t change urges, but you can sure try to change results.
-Dr. Lastname
I love my work, my kids, and my wife, but I have bipolar mood swings (and I’ve taken medication for years) that lead me to do things that get me into trouble. Recently, in spite of the medication, I felt a surge of energy and started to stay up late, sneak into my studio and paint. I’ve also started to drink again. I don’t want to change meds or let people know what’s happening because I want to keep my options open. I love the highs and the freedom, and I hate being told what to do, but I’ve got a demanding day job that doesn’t involve painting, and a wife who doesn’t like it, to say the least, when I’m not honest. So my goal is to get myself under control before people catch on to what’s really happening.
There are few fathers and husbands who can’t identify with the goal of wanting to feel special, have time to themselves, and avoid humiliating comments about eating, drinking, toileting or sleeping habits from their next of kin.
The fraction of these fathers who are dealing with mental illness and addiction to alcohol don’t want to be asked if they’ve been taking their medication or started drinking.
So, if your goal is to avoid immediate disrespect and hang on to your secret Van Gogh identity a little longer, then keep doing just what you’re doing.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 27, 2010
True love isn’t the kind of thing that brings two people together in perfect harmony, at least outside of “The Princess Bride.” In our world, it’s what happens when life makes perfect harmony impossible, and two people find a way to step around the bad parts and hang onto the good. Inconceivable, but true.
-Dr. Lastname
I don’t want to break up with my girlfriend, but I know that I can’t really be with her, either. We can’t live in the same city, for one thing, because I have a grown child, grandkids, and a business I rely on and can’t move. She and I first met in college, but drifted apart, then married other people. We have great chemistry and I’m really happy that I found her again and could recapture part of what we once had; we talk every day, visit monthly, and I get along with her kids and family. The problem is that we can never live in the same place, and I know how much she wants a live-in partner, and I’m sure that, as she realizes our relationship can’t go forward, she’ll drift away. My goal is to keep our relationship from falling apart for the second time in my life, but I don’t know how to do it.
You’ve got a girlfriend you’ve known for decades whom you still love, accept and want to see. If that isn’t success, I don’t know what is. Seriously.
Yes, for various reasons beyond your control, you can’t live in the same city, and there’s always a chance that she’ll find someone who can and he’ll steal your true-love away. There’s also a chance Megan Fox will call you up and ask you out, but I wouldn’t plan your life around it.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 24, 2010
Parent/child conflicts can get particularly brutal when people are scared for and determined to save one another. Emotions run stronger, stakes are higher, and the gloves are never on. Instinctively, kids and parents fight for control and submission, and regard it as defeat to accept a new reality and get over it. The reason the instinct is so foolish is because control is impossible, so the battle becomes endless. Conflicts like these need to be handled with great care; they must call them kid gloves for a reason.
-Dr. Lastname
When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.
You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.
Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 17, 2010
Some of the more interesting personality traits a person can have push hard against the constraints of fidelity; for example, the truly gregarious can’t limit themselves to charming just one person for the rest of their lives. Then again, those traits don’t make being faithful impossible, so before you make assumptions about these traits, be they yours or your partners, give yourself a chance to see if they can be managed, and have been managed, and whether managing them is worth the trouble. The management effort may never be easy, but nobody ever said fidelity was a breeze, and if they did, they were just trying to be charming.
-Dr. Lastname
I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.
Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.
Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.
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