Posted by fxckfeelings on June 10, 2010
Being a big dreamer is a mixed bag; sure, some people aim high and soar high, but many of us are too distracted to ever take off, or attempt to take off just to crash-land. The sad fact is, not all of us are meant to take flight, but there’s no shame in making the best of what you’ve got here on the ground.
-Dr. Lastname
On the plus side, I’m a pretty ambitious person; I have lots of dreams for different careers, adventures, academic pursuits, you name it. The problem is that I have problem with following through. Sure, it’s not easy to chase your dreams when you have a young kid (whom you’re raising alone), but I was like this before I had a baby, and now that I do have a child, I feel more compelled than ever to do something with my life and be a good example. I want to follow through with getting my masters in anything and making a good living, showing my kid that you can do anything you want. My goal is to finally follow through.
No matter how much you wish you could follow through more, you gotta ask yourself whether you’re a follow-through kind of person or not.
Some people just aren’t, so a congratulations/you’re screwed might be in order.
Maybe you believe the popular myth that everyone can be a follow-through person by just concentrating harder on following through, making an inspiration board and buying a dream-catcher something. Don’t. Not very inspiring, but the truth’s the truth.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 31, 2010
Most good people find themselves doing the same old bad things over and over. For some of us, said bad habits don’t go beyond excessive chocolate or videogame usage, but for others, “bad things” result in horrible consequences. Understanding why people are like that seldom helps, but recognizing when people are like that (whether it’s you or the other guy) can be very helpful if you accept the fact that the problem won’t go away and take responsibility for managing it as it is. You can’t change urges, but you can sure try to change results.
-Dr. Lastname
I love my work, my kids, and my wife, but I have bipolar mood swings (and I’ve taken medication for years) that lead me to do things that get me into trouble. Recently, in spite of the medication, I felt a surge of energy and started to stay up late, sneak into my studio and paint. I’ve also started to drink again. I don’t want to change meds or let people know what’s happening because I want to keep my options open. I love the highs and the freedom, and I hate being told what to do, but I’ve got a demanding day job that doesn’t involve painting, and a wife who doesn’t like it, to say the least, when I’m not honest. So my goal is to get myself under control before people catch on to what’s really happening.
There are few fathers and husbands who can’t identify with the goal of wanting to feel special, have time to themselves, and avoid humiliating comments about eating, drinking, toileting or sleeping habits from their next of kin.
The fraction of these fathers who are dealing with mental illness and addiction to alcohol don’t want to be asked if they’ve been taking their medication or started drinking.
So, if your goal is to avoid immediate disrespect and hang on to your secret Van Gogh identity a little longer, then keep doing just what you’re doing.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 6, 2010
New technologies and the breakdown of old conventions have created more sexual opportunities and freedom, but really, the basics haven’t changed. Being of clear and honorable intentions might seem old fashioned, but the misguided lust, loneliness and guilt that can taint those intentions are downright Biblical. New conventions just mean new rules; just because love feels chaotic doesn’t mean relationships should be.
-Dr. Lastname
Last fall, I started hooking up with a girl who’s been a friend of mine since freshman year. It wasn’t anything serious, just your average friends with benefits deal, and neither one of us ever talked about her being my girlfriend or anything “real.” What I never knew before though is that this girl gets really depressed, and when she got really sick this winter, I was there for her because that’s what I’d do for any friend, whether we’re hooking up or not. She’s better now, but I’m kind of confused as to what’s happening between us. Sometimes I think I want to be her boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her, and I don’t think she wants that from me, and at this point everything’s just really awkward and weird. I just want to know where we stand, or what I should do.
People often choose to be “friends with benefits” (FWB) because it seems easier than committing to a relationship, but don’t be so sure.
Having a FWB is like playing a fretless guitar that seems to offer musical freedom, but is actually more likely to produce noise unless you really know what you’re doing. In other words, don’t attempt a FWB situation unless you’ve learned what the rules are and can stick with them. It’s not for those who haven’t mastered their instrument.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 3, 2010
Poor, well-meaning, dedicated therapists and the patients who love/destroy them. After all, it’s enticing to let someone persuade you that you’re their guardian angel and the only therapist that can help. It’s a fun ride for everyone, at least until you realize that you’re responsible for something you don’t control, and they’re even less responsible than before for dealing with reality as it is. While this is a shrink-based site, we are the first to admit that therapists are not perfect people, especially when they get in in their heads that they actually are.
-Dr. Lastname
I have a 30-year-old patient whom I’ve been seeing in weekly psychotherapy for 6 months and he had a terrible history of sexual and physical abuse and years in state care. Amazingly, despite all his trauma and several prior failed treatments, he settled into a trusting relationship with me. He tells me I’m the first person he’s bonded with, and he’s been able to stop using cocaine, and, for the first time, sees some hope for himself. The problem is that he just got a new job, and I’m not covered by his new insurance plan. He wrote me a letter telling me how much he feels his recovery depends on continuing the treatment we’ve started and I feel professionally obliged to put his welfare ahead of my financial needs, but I’d like to get paid. My goal is to do right by my patient, and not trigger the feelings of abandonment that underlie much of his negative behavior, but I’m not sure how long I can afford to see him for nothing.
There are many therapists who believe the best thing you can do for a troubled patient like this is to “be there,” providing the steady acceptance and secure relationship that they need for healing. I’m not one of them.
The sad fact is that the healing power of currently available treatments is vastly over-rated and a good example of false hope and the harm it can cause.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 22, 2010
Various magazines will tell you that you can satisfy your sexual fantasies if you know what you’re doing and find the right groove; Cosmo has built an empire on this premise. What sells magazines, however, rarely translates to reality (or to anything constructive). In other words, achieving your sexual fantasies along with perfect happiness is the biggest fantasy of all, no matter how much fun it is to read at the beauty salon.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m what we in the gay community call a bear (burly and bearded). My ideal physical type, however, is the exact opposite, twinks (young, skinny man-boys), which I know isn’t exactly rare for anyone, gay or straight. My boyfriend, on the other hand, looks way more like me than my physical ideal; instead of looking lean and barely legal, he just looks like a suburban dad. Either way, I fell for him and what we have is really great, but I still feel guilty when I find myself checking out younger/leaner guys, which basically happens whenever I leave the house. I love my boyfriend, but I can’t stop my infatuation with other bodies. My goal is to get twinks out of my head before I do something stupid, like not keeping it in my pants.
Trying to change your sex fantasies is like trying not to be gay; it won’t work, you’ll think you’re out of control, and then you’ll act out of control.
Not only is trying to change your fantasies dangerous, but trying to satisfy them usually makes it impossible to have a stable relationship. Sad news, but at least Bill Clinton feels your pain.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on April 15, 2010
While Shut Up! Week began with us doing the up-shutting, it concludes with the more fun exercise of instructing others when they can utilize their own “shut up!” skills. After all, a friend might want to help you, or you might want to help a friend yourself, but sometimes the best thing you can do to help someone is get them to keep their mouth closed. And with that, Shut Up! week shuts down.
-Dr. Lastname
For years, I’ve talked to a friend of mine about my problems who’s also a counselor, and during that time, he’s urged me to seek professional help. I used to brush off that advice, mostly because this friend lives in another city and only ever really talks to me on the phone when I have problems, but in the last few months, I’ve begun to consider taking his advice. I don’t know what to say when I call to make the appointment, however, because I haven’t the faintest how to explain the unknown in my head (which is the main issue that frustrates me). I want to scream, but don’t know why or what. Do you have any advice as far as how to ask for help when I’m not sure what I’m really asking help for?
Remember, funny feelings in your head cause fear, which causes funny feelings, which cause fear, which create a spiral that will flush you down the toilet of needless worry. The first thing to do then is shut up and think about whether you need help.
If you’ve had funny feelings in your head for years, they’re not about to kill you; they’re not telling you to kill yourself or anyone else, and they’re not annoying you to death. WAIT! There is more to read… read on »
Posted by fxckfeelings on April 12, 2010
Discovery Channel always does well with its sharks, so this week, we’re going to try cases that are variations of the theme of “Shut up!” In many ways, sharks and “shut up” have the same effect on people, be they swimming in actual water or metaphorical self-pity; it’s painful and humbling, but if you come through your confrontation intact, you feel indestructable. Now, if you please, shut up and read.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m a 58-year-old gay man and it’s a long time since life has been any fun. I’ve been single for some time (with no real prospects of a relationship), my friends don’t seem to have time for me, and at the end of a hard day’s work running my own business, I’ve barely broken even and have nothing to look forward to but spending the evening alone. That’s when the depression closes in and I can’t stand living. I write all this because I know that I’m a miserable failure, and that facts, not depression or any other mental illness, are behind my reasoning. I mean, when I tell my few close friends how I feel, they tell me I’m being too hard on myself, but if you’re almost 60, alone, and a financial mess, doesn’t that mean you’re a loser? My goal is to be real about myself.
Sounds like your goal isn’t to be real about yourself, it’s to be mean to yourself because you’re in a bad mood. If you were to reread the above paragraph when your mood wasn’t so shitty, you’d see your treating “facts” with the same care as Bill O’Reilly.
So, to quote Bill, Shut up, I don’t want to hear it. You wouldn’t talk like that to a friend, or even probably your worst enemy, so don’t do it to yourself.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 25, 2010
Much is made of how difficult commitment is. While some people actually have the opposite problem (and, if stereotype serves, a lot of those people are lesbians), commitment disorder doesn’t have an easy fix, not in the form of a pill, a breakthrough, or a Prince/ss Charming. If you don’t like commitment, the real question isn’t whether you could like being married, but whether you could like it more than being uncommitted and alone.
-Dr. Lastname
I have a history of getting claustrophobic in relationships. Once I’ve been with a guy for a while, I start to worry that he’s not really the one, and that I’m missing my chance to be with the one by being with him, so I cut him loose and start all over again. I usually feel some regrets, but I don’t stay single for long, so those regrets don’t really last. This time, however, it’s different; I dumped my boyfriend a few months ago (after living together for two years), and now that I’m old enough to think seriously about starting a family, I’m worried I just lost a guy who would’ve been a great father and a good partner. Then again, I’m also worried that if I do get him back, I’ll just get restless and ditch him all over again. I always thought that, if I found the right person, my restlessness would go away. My goal is to get over my claustrophobia and get settled down.
Some people are born restless, and, while it would be nice if love and/or therapy could take away your ramblin’ urges when the time is right, it usually doesn’t work that way.
Being restless doesn’t have to mean that you’re immature, afraid of intimacy, or defective in any way. Restlessness has its good side; it keeps you moving into new adventures, and may be a survival trait if you’re a hunter, entrepreneur, or musician. It’s not good, however, when it comes to relationships.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on March 22, 2010
Just because flirting can come naturally to almost anyone and anything from people to dogs to penguins, that doesn’t mean we’re all naturally gifted at flirtational arts. Some of us freeze around people we want to thaw, while others flirt indiscriminately, spanning the dogs to penguin gamut. If you’re flirt-impaired, however, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to die alone. There are others ways to get to know someone (and we don’t mean sniffing your intended’s butt).
-Dr. Lastname
I’m interested in a woman here at work, which automatically has two complications. First of all, we work together (although not directly, we’re just both teachers at the same elementary school). Second, despite being an educated guy in my 30s with hobbies and friends and all those good normal things, I am and have always been a completely incompetent flirt. I do not know how to be charming or cute, and I have no idea how I’ve gotten women interested in me in the past (and yes, I’m a math teacher). Do you have any flirting tips for the socially inept? My goal, simply, is to get the girl.
Thanks goodness flirting isn’t necessary, or many of us would never have gotten a first date, math teachers wouldn’t be able to propagate, and Poincaré would never have conjectured. Fortunately, there’s more than one kind of mating ritual for humans.
Ever if you were good at it, you’d find that flirting has its drawbacks. Because it’s fun and sexy, flirting tends to start something up before you really know where you want to go (see: the case that follows this one).
Particularly at work, getting attached and then getting to know someone is a risky way of dating that can turn a normally shitty day at the office into an endless trail of tears (and into good business for me).
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Posted by fxckfeelings on February 25, 2010
One of the worst parts of looking for work, either when your self-employed or unemployed, is putting yourself out there and hustling for work; ex-drug dealers have written scores of hip-hop records about the subject, and the product they were pushing sells itself. It’s hard to network with employers or push clients to pay up, but you don’t have to feel good about it in order to do it. Just ask Jay-Z.
-Dr. Lastname
My partner and I are interior decorators (the ultimate gay cliché, I know), and while we love what we do, we also love getting paid. That’s why it’s rough when friends and family ask us to come take a look at a room or their whole house and give them advice, because what they’re really asking for us for is free services, and as much as we love those we love…well, we also love getting paid and being able to eat. The two of us have talked about how it makes us feel like our loved ones don’t appreciate what we do, or think so little of it that they figure they should get it for nada, but at the same time neither one of us has the heart to turn anyone down and we’re afraid that if we charge them for what we do, they’ll feel hurt and insulted. My shrink says I don’t value my work highly enough because I have a problem with self-esteem. My goal—our goal—is to figure out a way to get enough self-esteem to persuade our friends, and ourselves, that they should pay us for our work.
If it were necessary to improve your self-esteem before being able to ask friends to pay for your services, you’d be in trouble; most self-doubting, sensitive, I’m-afraid-to-impose-on-friends wusses don’t change their personalities, even with deep, deep therapy and a dollop of Dr. Phil.
Unfortunately, as you know, your reluctance to mention fees to friends can spiral into paralysis and frustration. If you respond to your friend’s request for professional help by sliding into an informal, glad-to-help, enjoying-your-company mode, your friend will shoot the breeze for the sheer pleasure of friendship.
Before you know it, you’ve lost a huge number of billable hours and can only blame yourself, because your friend didn’t know that you have no time for this shit (or that your quality time in the friend world was “shit” to you professionally).
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