Like a lot of artists, I don’t think I’m good at anything else. I’ve been “the arty one” since I can remember, I went to art school on a scholarship, and I’ve gotten illustration work pretty steadily since then. Ever since my last job, however, I’ve started to wonder if I’ve lost it somehow. I got a steady gig in a graphic design department, and at first, I totally got along with my co-workers and we seemed to share a sensibility. Then, for some reason—maybe it’s my age (I was the youngest one), the new department head, an off-the-mark project I completed, I don’t know—the group consensus turned on me and I was treated like an untalented hack for the first time in my life. I’ve never dealt with this before, and I still don’t get it, because the higher-ups were still pleased with my work even if my peers decided it sucked, and I was always nice to everyone. The only thing that did happen was that I started to doubt my ideas more, because every time I’d come up with something I’d immediately think of all the reasons my co-workers would hate it. After a few months of this, I couldn’t take it anymore, so when a college friend told me there was an opening at his work, I jumped on it. The problem is that I still can’t get that negativity and doubt out of my head—maybe I am a hack, after all—and I’m terrified of starting this new job and either not coming up with anything good or not coming up with anything period until eventually I can’t get a job at all. I’m not good at anything else, but what if I’m not good at design anymore, either? My goal is to get my mojo back (or at least get these assholes out of my brain).

One of the curses of being talented, in arts or sports, is that talent becomes the heart of your self-esteem. Talent and ego have a flawed-yet-symbiotic relationship.

It’s particularly true if, like many talented people, you’re actually not so hot at doing other things. It’s as if your talent takes up extra brain-space, crowding out room for the basics and leaving you both gifted and klutzy, brilliant and ADD, hyper-capable and totally incompetent.

Other people might tell you that you’re good at other things, but those other people are wrong; they don’t have or understand an artistic mind. They had to decide on a career, whereas you probably felt like you didn’t have a choice. They also probably have health insurance.

What you’re “good at” is what you and others respect until you come to believe that nothing but hard work stands between you, success, and being a somebody. That’s when ego starts to assume you’ve got control over your artistic career when, in truth, no one controls art.

Even with all the hard work in the world, art is outside of your control. Sooner or later, you’ll perform poorly, perform well but meet an unresponsive audience, and/or get ill, injured, or misunderstood. And that’s when, if you rate yourself by performance, you’ll start to fear failure, and then fear the fear of failure, which is the fear of losing your mojo.

The feelings are awful and there’s no avoiding them. You can sense the rejection and feel your creative juices drying up, like you’ve lost your gift and can’t get it back. Meanwhile, you feel like there’s nothing good you’re good at. Without talent, ego feels like a total failure.

So here’s the hard part for people who want to do well at what they’re good at (and everyone else): develop a deeper set of values. You’ve already got the hard-work ethic for managing the controllable part of your gift—no need for improvement there. Now, learn to respect yourself for dealing with shit, which is just a technical term for that part of life that you don’t control.

Counter those fucked-up feelings with your beliefs; that you’ve done your best, and if you can’t do what you’re good at, you’ll do your best with other things. You’ll try to make a living and be a good friend. You’ll do what matters with what you’ve got.

Remember, what you admire most in others is not their ability to do great things, but to eat shit and still be a good person (unless, of course, you’re one of those shallow people who admire nothing but good performance, and then you don’t really have any friends and you’re probably an entertainment executive). Suck up the pain and remember who you are.

That’s the antidote to losing your mojo: redefining what you value. When you decide that mojo doesn’t matter, it comes back. When you care more about trying and less about results, results improve.

No one can stop the agony of unfulfilled talents, but the real challenge is to bear that pain, remember what you’re here for, and do what you can with what you’ve got until your ego’s healthy enough for talent to return.

That’s not easy to do—it’s a lot harder than being lucky and performing well—but it’s an art in itself, and a much higher achievement.

STATEMENT:
“I’m stuck with excruciating feelings of failure and self-doubt, but I have no doubts about my hard work or my ability to do whatever is necessary when I think it’s worth doing. I have no doubts about my ability to be a good friend. I will not let my feelings touch my self-respect.”

I can’t deny that I’ve had success as a musician—I’m well known in the area—but fashions have changed over the last few years and now gigs are far from plentiful. Financially, though I have a day job, I’m just getting by. I do my best to schmooze and talk up producers, but I’m basically a shy person who’s happiest to be alone, practicing. I know the economy is bad and every performing artist is having a hard time, but I can name at least 3 other musicians of my generation who are doing much better than I am because they’re more energetic and sociable and maybe more talented. I feel like a failure who’s wasted his life and watched his professional reputation ebb away and now I’m facing a sad end in a lonely rooming house. My goal is to turn this situation around.

As noted above, it doesn’t matter whether you’ve proven yourself as an artist; sooner or later, the pursuit of an artistic career exposes you to an unusual amount of shit you don’t control and, when that happens, it feels personal.

Fortunately, you’re too old and well-established to worry about the negative impact of your feelings on your music, and thus on your career, and thus on your music, etc. It’s good not to worry about the losing-your-mojo whirlpool.

It’s not much better, however, to fear that no one cares about your mojo, you’re facing a sad and lonely decline, and you’re sure it’s your own fault, as proven by the fact that your peers are doing better.

That kind of proof, however, is one of the nastier tricks the human mind plays on itself in the name of so-called reason. You know you’ve managed a good career for many years, in spite of a shy temperament, and you’ve never neglected the business side of music-making. You also know that other people’s gifts, both musical and non-, are different than yours. So real logic tells you that the only thing that deserves criticism is your luck.

If you believe in making music, you also know it’s a meaningful thing to do with your life, whether or not it pays. Remind yourself that no artist in his or her right mind expects to get rich and that living with poverty is part of your job description (though one you hope to escape).

Be proud of your choices and the good music that resulted. Keep with your successful formula, playing when you can and paying your bills when you’re able. Don’t doubt that you chose a tough life…and did well with it.

STATEMENT:
“When I’m poor, old, and gig-less, it’s hard not to feel miserable; but music is important, I worked hard at it, and I will not regret past or future sacrifices. Life is hard, but good music is forever.”

I have been struggling with performance anxiety for years. It was particularly difficult during university, where I saw three psychologists, including a campus counselor, who, while supportive, weren’t helpful. It got much better though when I was able to take control of a treatment group I was facilitating, where I could design the program and run it the way I wanted to. I enjoyed being the therapist who helps others, and the experience gave me confidence. Still, the anxiety has not been extinguished in all situations—when teaching and presenting at conferences, the anxiety in these two areas is just as high as it was previously. I have been managing this for a long time and I do not feel motivated to continue to place myself in situations where my anxiety is raised again so high that I experience nausea, stomach pains, dry mouth, etc., not to mention the exhaustion I feel after the anxious-provoking event has finished. I do have some mild/moderate social anxiety—I don’t like socializing in big groups unless I know the people, and this prevents me from making new social contacts and networking for my profession. I am well versed in exposure therapies and ACT and have used these to get me to the point I am at now, and I continue to use them. However, I don’t think my anxiety will ever improve beyond where it is now and I am too exhausted to continue to try. I guess I’m stuck and don’t know if I should try to find a specialist to help me to continue to force myself to network, push myself to present at conferences, and become an academic psychologist or move into working as a clinical psychologist in a private practice, where I would work more on my own and I would be happier and more relaxed but also know that I am avoiding the events that are anxiety-provoking.

Maybe being in the mental health business makes you feel more responsible for controlling symptoms of anxiety and becoming a role model for good mental health. It’s ironic, given that most people in our field are the worst role models for mental health. If we were totally sane, we’d just go into dermatology and rake it in.

If you are driven to perfection, it’s causing you to forget that certain symptoms, like anxiety, tend to be incurable, and that, if you’ve reached the point where you can’t make them better, it’s because you’ve done an amazing job of managing them and pushing yourself to the limit of what you can bear.

That you’ve pushed yourself so hard during a long educational process may have caused you to become academically institutionalized, i.e., to rate your progress by where you stand in the institution (not the other, less fun kind).

You’ve become the very model of an up and coming academic psychologist, but now that the institutional phase of your life is no longer a requirement, you have a wider array of options and no easy reference points. You don’t have to present papers or schmooze colleagues if you don’t want to; that’s not avoidance, unless presenting papers and schmoozing colleagues are part of the life you want to lead going forward.

You know what they call the PhD who came in last in his class? Doctor. Sure, it’s a nasty MD joke, but the fact remains that your degree sets you free, offering you many different career options and you’re now familiar with most of them. Ask yourself how much money you need and then rate your options according to how well they pay, and how much you might enjoy them. Then, when you consider the amount of anxiety each will require you to bear, you’ll know whether it’s worth it.

Remember, like its first cousin, depression, anxiety causes your brain to focus on helplessness and failure rather than achievement and courage. It will tell you that treatment has failed and that you’re a failure if you don’t act normal, but wisdom tells you that you’ve already accomplished your biggest academic goals, in spite of great obstacles, and reached the point where you can finally put your own spin on life.

Be proud of what you’ve done, and don’t mistake anxiety and fatigue for discouragement; they’re challenging you to recognize what you don’t enjoy doing, and there’s no shame in choosing the career path of least (torturous) resistance.

It’s up to you, however, to decide what’s meaningful enough to be worth the pain. If you can maintain a practice despite your own struggles, you’ll be a role model, with or without symptoms (or an MD).

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’ve failed to conquer my anxiety, but in reality I’ve done everything I set out to do, other than get rid of my symptoms. Now I’m in good position to decide what I want to do next and confident that I can bear whatever unavoidable anxiety goes with that choice.”

Whenever I screw up at work, it causes a chain reaction of even more fuck-ups until fate mercifully intervenes. The most recent incident started when I miscalculated the logistics of a project and ended up forcing another department to work overtime to make up for it. The department head was understanding, but I was so pissed off at myself that I actually couldn’t sleep at night, and that made me late enough for work to miss at least one really important meeting, so now I’m of course thinking that this time I won’t get lucky and will actually lose my job. There’s got to be a way to fix this myself.

It’s certainly unpleasant to make mistakes (that make mistakes that make mistakes), but don’t lynch yourself before you conduct a proper trial. It’s possible that your pain is torturing you to confess to crimes you didn’t commit, just because confession makes you feel better and provides a cheap sort of redemption.

You don’t need a judge and jury to conduct a proper trial on your own conduct, just rules that you believe in (i.e., that you’d apply to a friend) and an ability to review your behavior.

You’d expect a friend to take reasonable precautions to avoid making the same mistake twice; your standards, after all, are for his conduct to be good enough, not perfect. So you wouldn’t assume his miscalculation, the overtime, or his missed meeting were easily avoidable unless he hadn’t followed procedures that he should have known about. At least, those are the rules I think you’d use, but you be the judge. It’s your trial.

Then ask yourself what you should do if the verdict from your trial is “not so bad” but your heart still proclaims you a loser who should embroider a scarlet L in your shirts. That’s when you have to give yourself some good coaching and dismiss your heart’s request for an appeal.

Remind yourself that challenging projects always expose you to the unforeseen and congratulate yourself for taking responsibility and working hard, and give credit to your boss and co-workers. Apologize, but only once.

Be aware that frustration and humiliation, like anxiety (see above), make you think of the should-haves and could-haves without regard to actual, reasonable responsibility. They trigger a lynch mob in your head, but you’re not just the law, but order, and justice will overcome.

STATEMENT:
“I feel frantic when things go wrong and I’m sure I could have or should have prevented it, but I’m also capable of deciding what my real responsibilities should be and standing by that decision.”

I cannot accept the fact that my boyfriend looks at porn and it’s a specific kind (hentai and very tall women). For some reason, for it to be a certain type for some reason hurts me more. I grew up looking at porn and still do off and on, so I guess I am hypocritical about this whole situation. My therapist thinks I am madder at myself than him. He feels ashamed about it and said he will discontinue, but unfortunately, if he stops or not, I will still feel the same way which is not good enough for him. Am I a terrible person for having such double standards? I want to achieve self-worthiness, take things less seriously, and confront jealousy in a productive, less destructive manner, but my compulsive thoughts get the best of me. Your advice would be of great value to me.

I’m not sure which is likely to cause you more trouble: the impact of your boyfriend’s porn-watching on your feelings and the chemistry that holds your relationship together, or what his attachment to porn says about his character and ability to be a good partner.

In other words, he could be an asshole, or he could just like to look at animated ass. Figuring this out maybe be a very tall order (pun definitely intended).

You can’t help the way you feel about his hentai/height fascination and, if it’s a total turnoff, the party’s over. Often, however, turnoffs in a long-term relationship are relative and manageable, as well as unavoidable; you look away, focus on his more attractive qualities, and make it work.

There are few partnerships that don’t require a certain amount of accepting unlikeable qualities and habits. That’s why mutual acceptance is such an important requirement in any long-term relationship (and why the divorce rate is so high).

Don’t feel guilty, because this is what the getting-to-know-you phase of a relationship is all about: discovering whether there’s something about a person’s living habits that you really can’t stand. Respect your instincts, because no matter how much you love someone and would like to accept him, there’s only so much tolerance you can force on yourself before it becomes intolerable. At some point, you have to accept the verdict of your inner snob, even if your beloved is guilty of no crime worse than making you want to leave the room (because he’s aroused by dirty Japanese cartoons, but still).

As for the amount of time he spends a’porning, it may be a good indicator of how he manages all his impulses, including drinking, drugging, spending, etc., and tell you how much you can trust him when the chips are down. Don’t let guilt or wishful thinking prevent you from determining objectively whether you can accept him and whether he can manage himself.

If you want to know if porn rules his soul, pay more attention to his bank account, work habits, and contribution to household chores than to his hard-drive. If he can’t keep himself away from the computer but can keep his life together, that’s a good sign, and should make his bad habits easier to ignore.

If he can’t keep anything together, then you probably can’t be together, either, nor should you ignore this advice.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being disgusted by my boyfriend’s porn-watching but I have a right to my feelings and to worry that addiction is often a flag for weakness and unreliability. I don’t need a shrink or a detective to get my answers. I have the strength to accept them if they’re not what I want.”

I wish I could figure out what to do with my boss. He’s not a bad guy, but he drives me crazy by playing favorites and just not understanding my suggestions. I sense he tries, and he’s not malicious, but he doesn’t get what I have to say, so he always turns to someone else. When I talked with him about the problem, I think he sincerely wished we could communicate better, but then nothing changed. I’d speak up, his eyes would glaze over, and the discussion would move past me. I know my ideas aren’t bad, because I’ve been doing my job a long time and my previous bosses respected my work, but it’s tough being politely disregarded. My goal is to get through to him so we can all work together as a team.

Two good things in your approach towards your stupid-but-not-an-asshole boss: you’re not taking his rejection of your ideas personally, and you’re not acting badly. That’s an accomplishment when, every day that you show up for work, you have to watch from the sidelines, particularly when you’re used to being a position player.

Badgering your boss is probably not a good idea; he’s not an asshole yet, but you never know what will happen if you push him harder to be someone he’s already shown you he can’t be. That’s usually the best way to bring out the worst in someone and maybe lose your job altogether.

Anchor yourself by weighing the advantages of the job versus the pain of doing it. I assume you’ve got the usual good reasons for sticking around, at least for now, i.e., the money, the money, the money, and a lack of alternatives.

Don’t think of it as a trap just because you’re suffocating and there’s no way out. Life is hard, survival is tough, and it almost always involves swimming upstream in shit. Bad luck has brought you a strong current, but you can be proud that you haven’t drowned.

Don’t burden yourself with the expectation that you should like your boss because he’s a nice guy, or that you should be able to work things out because he’s not an asshole. If life were fair, those things would be true. Since it isn’t, don’t hold yourself responsible.

In the future, when you’re sizing up a possible boss (or prospective friend or partner), add one more thing to your list of essential, no-deal-if-you-don’t-have-‘em qualities, and that’s an ability to appreciate your point of view and speak your language. Obviously, you’re willing to bridge the gap and learn his language, but you now know there are some gaps that are too big and languages that you can’t learn unless you grew up with them. And since you’re got big reasons to stay at this job, despite the bad chemistry with your boss, take pride in how well you sit the bench.

STATEMENT:
“I feel as if what I say and do at work has no value because my boss disregards me, but I’ve proven my ability long ago, including reasonable communication skills, and am sure that I would have more to offer if he weren’t tone-deaf. I’m sure I’ll be stronger for having survived this experience. “

I’m wondering whether I should try to do something to help my ex who I feel is spiraling into unhealthy (mentally and physically) old age (i.e., be my brother’s keeper rather than “let live”). He’s been acting weird, keeping strange pets and stranger company, and he moved to a rough part of town though he has the money to live wherever he wants. It’s like he’s having a late-life crisis. I know he’s got a bunch of medical problems and I wonder whether he’s taking care of himself. My goal is to figure out how far I should push him to get help.

Whether or not you should be your brother’s, or your ex’s, keeper is a meaningless question if you expect the answer to be yes or no. Nothing involving exes is simple (even their pets).

If you’re actually wondering how far you should go, that’s a terrific question for which there’s a good way to develop an answer of your own.

The trouble is, people usually approach this question in terms of weighing the pros and cons of the feelings involved: the bad feeling of anger, disappointment, resentment, vs. the good feeling of helpfulness, loyalty, and caring for your fellow man.

In real life, it’s a lose/lose, and you wind up reacting too much to your mood, the other’s guy’s attitude, your anger at his attitude, your guilt about your anger, and your determination to help someone across the street whether or not he wants to go.

After all, some people are naturally angry while others can’t stop giving and never get angry. So, as I always tell you, don’t let your feelings be your guide, or you’ll probably end up going off the cliff.

Ignore your anger (although that’s not your problem) and your desire to help (which sounds much closer to your natural style). Instead of being driven by your feelings, consult your values and draw up guidelines for balancing your wish to help an old flame vs. your right to live your own life and not waste time on old, unwinnable struggles.

In other words, if you know he won’t listen (because you or someone more persuasive has tried), save your breath. Be sure, however, that you’ve considered every reasonable possibility.

If you think there’s something helpful worth trying, do it, unless it’s someone else’s job; you’re the ex-wife, but there may be others who should step to the plate first, or he himself may be the only person who can do what needs to be done. Figure out where your boundaries are, and don’t overstep them or you’ll make things worse.

Finally, before trying to help him, figure out whether you can afford the cost. After all, you have other obligations, including taking care of yourself and managing your own possible rainy days, so remember, you’ve got a budget, and helping can become an obsession.

If you can think of any complications that these rules don’t cover, let me know. That you want to help is wonderful, but be careful to follow your guidelines and not push yourself to the point of danger, exhaustion, or conflict. Evaluate the situation on your terms, act accordingly, and you won’t end up getting hurt (by him or his menagerie).

STATEMENT:
“I wish my ex-husband well and want to honor the life and love we once shared. As always, however, I must keep in mind the limits of what I can do, accept possible helplessness, and remember my other obligations.”

I can’t count on my family for anything, and it’s gotten to the point where I think it would be best to cut ties altogether. Recently, when my father died, my brother, who was my dad’s favorite and the executor, managed to give himself most of the money, buy off my sister with a big gift, and give me nothing (he said he needed it more and my sister went along with it). I know I’ve always been the responsible older brother who worries and nags and takes responsibility for everyone, but I’ve finally woken up to the fact that no one worries about me. My goal is to stop feeling responsible and never see the jerks again.

The main reason to be your brother’s keeper is not to get gratitude or recognition, but to know that you’re being a good person. That’s why it’s important to do it and not overdo it and maybe become your brother’s occasional-watcher instead.

It’s likely you started taking care of them when you were younger, because people praised you for it, or it helped your family survive as a family. There’s always a good reason, but knowing why you did it usually doesn’t make a difference.

Now the question is, how good should you be to a brother and sister who have turned out to be jerks. It’s too bad they’re jerks, but you came out of your early family time knowing you did good and they didn’t come out as well. So, whether they’re ungrateful or avaricious, you still come out the winner.

The sad thing is that they didn’t turn out to be good people you could be friends with, which is what happens to many people with their siblings. If you don’t accept this fact, you’ll spend your time trying to get them to see their mistakes and improve. So accept it, mourn your loss, and prepare your own guidelines for being decent to sucky sibs.

As in the case above, don’t be guided by your feelings. Your values tell you that you will always have a connection and should always see to their basic safety. At the same time, their bad behavior will probably cause problems that you can’t fix, so don’t hold yourself responsible for fixing them. Their personalities are their problem, not yours.

Letting them know that you’re angry or critical usually does more harm than good, so don’t bother; instead of feeling guilty, they’ll just blame you and get nasty. This is a classic example of a Feelings Fart”™, when an explosive, emotional emission gives you temporary relief that actually poisons the air, and your relationship, for much longer.

That’s why it’s smarter to act nice, stay superficial, and keep it short from now on. You were a good brother growing up and you’re a good brother now, but you weren’t lucky, so you won’t get much satisfaction or reward from the sibs you helped raise.

Still, they are your family, so it’s better to keep them at arm’s length than cut them off entirely. You were your brother’s keeper, but you’d be better off just being a brother instead.

STATEMENT:
“I’m proud of being a responsible brother and I wish my sibs and I could be close, but they didn’t turn out to be people I could be friends with. Fortunately, I now have less to be responsible for, other than accepting them, keeping it pleasant, and looking elsewhere for trust and friendship.”

My boyfriend went through hell from chemotherapy, but I don’t know what to do with his depression and irritability. We’d been dating about a year and planning to get married when he found out he had a nasty kind of cancer and, since then, he’s been brave about chemo and going on with his life, which has meant working when he’s feeling OK, and our moving in together and being partners. Usually, we get along well, but lately he’s been depressed and telling me he knows he’s a burden, he can’t get much done, and he just wants to be alone. I want him to get help for his depression and stop the negative thinking but I don’t want to attack him or make him feel I don’t respect the fact that he has cancer.

One of the things you always hear from people in pain is that you, the lucky one, “just don’t understand.” It’s the rallying cry of the suffering, whether they’re coping with cancer, or just being between the ages of 10 and 18.

What sick people often fail to realize, at least at first, is that people who aren’t in their position understand things that they can’t; after all, you might have the good luck not know what it’s like to have cancer, but you know what your boyfriend’s like when he’s not depressed, and you know this isn’t it.

If you want to get through to him, put aside your guilt about his bad luck and your fear about hurting him when he’s down. You believe his negative thinking is doing more damage right now than his cancer, and that he needs a better perspective. You’re right, so guilt-be-gone.

Then, remind him about the way he and you usually think of your life together. He’s had the worst kind of bad luck, but you admire the way he’s managed it and continued with his life and you’re happy to share his fight.

After all, you’re not with him because you pity him for having cancer, but because you love his courage and find it gives you strength, and because you hope for the best and are happy to share as much time as possible.

Maybe his cancer, chemo or pain tells him he’s a useless burden, but you don’t accept that and you know he wouldn’t if he were in his right mind, because those things are mean and disrespectful. What he should be saying is that he’s fighting a good fight, respects what he’s doing, and is proud of the way the two of you have created love and closeness in the midst of chaos.

Maybe he needs therapy or medication to put a lid on the negative thinking, but in any case, reminding him about what he values and challenging him to protect his self-respect is good therapy in itself, and you can do it. You don’t need to fully understand his experience with illness in order to help him through.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t rescue my boyfriend from attacks of hopelessness about his cancer, but we’re together because we share the belief that life is worth the pain he’s gone through and, so far, nothing has changed my mind. Sickness has made him forget his beliefs and accomplishments, so it’s my job to stand up for them until he’s ready to reclaim them.”

I don’t know how to tell my wife that we can’t afford for her to continue her present business because she’s losing too much money. She used to be good at it, but cancer and chemo had a bad effect on her brain 2 years ago, and now she gets too distracted and drops the ball. I admire her courage, and I owe her for supporting the family all these years while I raised the kids and taught painting. Now I’m making more money and have taken over the finances, but it’s not enough. I’ve tried to help her keep her business organized, but it just doesn’t work. I feel angry and guilty. I can’t get her to see that she needs to find a new job that doesn’t require her old attention span and can make us some money.

It’s hard to confront your wife about about a new, cancer-related, permanent disability without feeling you’re destroying her hope and confidence and adding to her pain. On the other hand, if she doesn’t accept her disability, you’re all sunk and she’ll never have a chance to make the best of what she has.

Remember, you’re not inflicting her pain—the real cause is life and cancer—and the only reason you think she needs to face her disability is that the alternative is worse. That’s your decision as her partner and someone who’s stepped up to assume a greater share of responsibility for the family’s welfare and survival.

After all, you’ve risen to the occasion. You’re not preparing to confront her because you’re angry about the way cancer has robbed you of her strength and old personality (although you may certainly have such a feeling). If you confront her, it’s because you’ve done your homework, weighed the alternatives, and decided it’s necessary.

Begin by accepting her disability yourself; don’t see it as a treatment failure, or as a problem the two of you have failed to solve, just as a wound imposed by the sucky side of life. Respect the way she’s tried hard to return to a normal life, and respect the way you’ve picked up the load, because you both did the right thing. You needed to know the limits of her abilities, and now you do, but you just got a bad result.

Once you accept her disability without shame, you’re prepared to put it in a positive context. Tell her, without guilt, how much you respect her efforts, and that, though most of her mental equipment is functioning beautifully, there’s something wrong with her attention span that won’t let her make money at her old job.

Don’t sound as if your mind isn’t made up or as if you’re waiting for her to agree; her ability to perceive a business plan realistically may be included in the brain damage, or she may not be emotionally ready to accept it. In either case, sound like someone who has made up his mind.

In your opinion, she shouldn’t continue her old job and, if it’s up to you, you won’t support her doing it. You will, on the other hand, support her in finding something new to fit her current limitations.

STATEMENT:
“I miss my wife’s old strengths, and so does she, (or she would if she was in her right mind), but our idea of partnership was that one of us would take over if the other was injured, and that’s what I’m doing. I will raise painful topics if I think it’s necessary and respect myself for doing so.”

I usually like my job, which is running the major gifts department of the development office of a medium sized-college, but lately I’ve been ready to tell the Board of Trustees where to get off. For the past 4 years we’ve had a reduced budget, like everyone else, and so I’ve tried to do more and volunteered to freeze my own salary, and the Board was appreciative. This past 6 months, however, I’ve been extra stressed by the fact that my assistant has been a no-show, for reasons of illness that I know are somewhat exaggerated, and the Board has been a lot more sympathetic about his problem than about the additional work that I and the rest of my team have had to do. My husband and I are not financially independent—we’ve got 2 kids in college—but I’ve had it. I’m ready to share my feelings with the Board Chairman. That’s my goal.

Gandhi is largely remembered as a selfless leader who starved and suffered for his people. It’s possible though that there is one person who remembered him quite differently, and that person, as we’ve stated before, is Mrs. Gandhi.

That’s because, by taking a vow of poverty, Gandhi signed up his wife and kids for a life of poverty, like it or not, even after he died (and whether or not he did this while shtupping a German weight-lifter is besides the point). He was a noble man, but a shitty husband and father.

Remember, no matter how much you’re dedicated to your cause, there are limits, especially because, in this case, your cause is just your stupid job. Its purpose, regardless of your departmental mission, is to make money so you and your kids won’t starve and you can pay their tuition.

(That’s the purpose of life, by the way– tuition. Peace and equality are nice, but tuition feels like a loftier, more obscure goal.)

Sacrifice your raise if you think it’s necessary, but don’t sacrifice it for your Board’s appreciation, because that’s going to make you more personally reactive to their feelings and actions, which is dangerous. The bigger the board, the more likely it contains one or more assholes, and assholes, by definition, don’t respond fairly to kind gestures, because they always expect more. You’re setting yourself up to blow a fuse.

Now would be a good time to turn to your strategic adviser in this mess, a.k.a., your husband, Mrs. Gandhi. I assume you’ve got a husband who is the wind beneath your wings, and I doubt that he’s telling you to give ‘em hell. In fact, he’s probably wondering why you didn’t negotiate a better salary, and won’t be pleased if you put your job and your family’s financial security on the line because of hurt feelings.

He gives you lots of appreciation, so ask yourself if you’ve actually listened to him. Yes, he wants you to be happy, but no one is going to be happy if you don’t have a paycheck or another job lined up with two kids in college.

Instead of seeking the moral satisfaction that goes with accommodation and self-sacrifice, dig deeper to grapple with the higher, less-feel-good morality of balancing obligation to work and responsibility for your family’s survival. You won’t get a good feeling from managing that balance, because there’s never enough time or money, and boards (and family) are never as fair and appreciative as they should be. Then again, you also won’t get a good feeling from being broke and telling your kids they have to settle for a semester of community college each.

Be proud of being a good manager, and never let your need for appreciation, or a doing-good feeling, get the upper hand. And if you’re still going to take a stand/a vow of poverty, remember that, by doing so, you’re putting your marriage vows second.

STATEMENT:
“I’m proud of my response to the college’s budget shortfall, and it’s painful not to have that hard work and sacrifice recognized, but sometimes a lack of recognition is part of the job. I won’t let hurt feelings get in the way of my doing my job, which includes satisfying my Board, providing good services for what I’m paid, and negotiating a raise as soon as possible.”

I love my wife and we share a lot of interests, but I’ve noticed that I tend to stay later at work since the kids grew up and left home. At first, I thought it was because I had trouble staying focused and getting all my work done, so I changed my workload and figured out ways to get most of my paperwork done before 5P. I’ve noticed I’m still reluctant to leave and I’ll even fall asleep at my desk when I should be heading home. I need to figure out whether it’s because I have a problem with my wife or a sleep problem or something else that causes me to linger at work when I don’t really have to.

From childhood on, many hard-working people tend to get over-absorbed by work. It’s a good thing, in part, because as long as the world needs whatever it is you’re producing, compulsiveness will help you get ahead, produce kids, and spread your tight-ass genes into the next generation. Darwin was a tight-ass or he’d never have finished his books, particularly since he was tired, distracted, and so rich he didn’t need the money.

Trying to understand why you stay at work may make your problem worse, because self-understanding is an excuse to obsess and avoid changing your behavior until insight makes it easy, which is not going to happen. Stopping work early is hard, as is admitting your weakness and fighting your instincts. It’s easier to think about why you can’t leave and hope enlightenment will give you the key. Distraction and wishful thinking like that is was gets you picked off by natural selection.

Don’t demoralize yourself or hurt your wife’s feelings by blaming your workaholic behavior on negative feelings in your marriage; there’s a good chance your marriage is fine. You’re just a workaholic and your wife is good enough to tolerate it (and benefit from it). The more you obsess about it, the more you’ll put blame where it shouldn’t go.

Your problem isn’t all that different from man-boys who will pee their pants rather than leave their computers. Teachers call this issue “a problem with transitions,” meaning that some kids have trouble shifting gears, stopping what they’re doing, and starting something else. That may be the kind of brain you have. If only they made mental diapers.

Instead of figuring out why you can’t stop working or blaming your marriage, own up to your problem and try new tricks for getting out of the office. Set an alarm on your phone, ask your wife to call you or for the maintenance crew to kick you out and lock the door.

If you treat your work compulsion as a bad habit, you’ll do better than if you waste time analyzing the reasons why the habit exists. After all, why sit and stagnate when you can address the problem and evolve.

STATEMENT:
“I’m ashamed that I can’t leave work when there’s no good reason for me to stay, but I’m determined to fight the habit, even if it hurts, because I have a better vision for how I want to spend my time.”

Well, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and during our third year I got into his Facebook account and saw that he’d cheated on me by talking online with girls saying he loved them. I walked away for about 4 months. He tried everything to get me back and after he showed me he changed I thought I should give it one last chance since he is my first everything. I’m trying to move past this but I feel there is something inside me that wants to explode every time I am with him. What advice can you give me to forget this incident or should I not forget?

You’ve given this guy one more chance because he’s your “first everything,” which is understandable. At this point, however, he’s also your first lesson in how character, unlike love, is forever.

He didn’t do this to hurt or disrespect you, because that would imply he thought his actions through before taking them. Instead, he acted on his very flawed set of instincts, which is what brings his character into question.

Sincerity, tons of respect, and heaps of flowers shouldn’t get you to lower your guard. Most guys who sincerely regret their bad behavior regret it because they got caught, or they don’t feel like that any more, or they wish you weren’t mad at them.

Sure, guys like this may really, really love you and have nothing but sincere regrets, but they can’t admit that their basic instincts haven’t changed, won’t change, and will always come back. They sincerely wish that weren’t true and that the guy who did those bad things was another guy, but all the earnest wishes in the world don’t guarantee that his actions will improve.

Most guys with bad instincts improve, not by becoming better people, but learning to control themselves after getting to truly know themselves, for better or worse. At some time or other, they accept the fact that their bad instincts will never go away, and that they will always have to struggle to keep them in check. They know that the moment they think they’ve won permanent control, they’re in real trouble.

Unless he worships the ground you walk on, your boyfriend’s love will probably not keep him on the straight and narrow. If he controls himself because he loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you, that’s fine for as long as it lasts. Usually, however, real couples get mad at one another over stupid things and have petty urges to hurt one another. That’s when his control will break down, unless it’s rooted in deeper, personal values, not just loving feelings that can fade after a shouting match.

Your goal then isn’t to forget this incident, but to first figure out whether it’s indicative of what your future together holds. Don’t pay lots of attention to the sincerity of his love or whether he shows you tons of respect, but do give him points for admitting that he has an honesty problem, and give him more points if he wants to change because he wants to be a better guy, and not just to get your love. Give him lots of points if his actions reflect his words over a long period of time.

You know what you think about his cheating, but the real question is, what does he think about it, and what does he plan to do. If his plan just involves groveling and empty promises, get ready to be the first one in the relationship to say it’s over.

STATEMENT:
“Cheating feels like my boyfriend disrespects me and that it won’t happen if his respect is real. That’s not true. Cheating is a bad habit that’s hard to change and it has very little to do with how much he loves or respects me. The only way I can safely trust him with my future is if I see that he owns his problem, wants to be a better guy, and keeps his hands, eyes, and email connections to himself.”

After 10 years of working my butt off for this company, my boss rewarded me by giving me all the shitty parts of her job and taking away all the things I liked to do and giving them to herself. She’s not mad at me and doesn’t want to force me out. I don’t think she expects me to be mad and if I told her, she’d think I was being touchy. My goal is to feel better about these changes so I don’t blow up, but doing this job has never been easy and now it feels like an endless humiliation.

If you’ve worked your butt off for a company and gotten treated like shit, there’s a wonderful lesson to be learned. You should never, ever treat work as if it’s family or the whole of your life. You also shouldn’t be surprised if losing your ass makes a shitty feeling increase.

I know most jobs come to feel like family; you see more of the people you work with than anyone else, and the bosses talk about caring, loyalty, and fairness. It’s hard not to feel humiliated and/or like the mistreated middle child if no one listens and you’re given tasks that everyone else hates doing.

Remember, however, that your goal in working is to make a living, not to get the job done or win your boss’s respect. You work for yourself and your own values, and, while your boss is your most important client, that’s all he is. Until the day arrives when respect becomes currency, focus on your paycheck and timecard instead.

If you care too much about your work and then feel unappreciated, your feelings become dangerous. It’s not just that disgruntlement gets noticed, but that criticized bosses always find something wrong with you. At that point, it gets personal and moral, and you’re the one who will wind up in the shrink’s office, not them.

Step back, assess your strengths and opportunities, then market yourself and see what’s out there. If the job market is dead—and that’s been the rule for the last few years—respect yourself for working with disrespect. It’s hard enough to make a living when your boss likes you.

Take comfort in this secret: the guy who does the shit-work no one else wants usually has a more secure job because processing shit is the most essential part of any job. Work hard, but get your butt back; after all, you already work for an asshole.

STATEMENT:
“I may feel as if my devotion has been rewarded with humiliation and disrespect, but that means I’ve been giving too much to my job and not thinking enough about my own priorities. It’s time to become my own boss and develop a job description that limits overwork and attends to other parts of my life. I don’t really want to be a well-appreciated worker who knocks himself out for the sake of the company. I want to be a guy who values his own work and loves quittin’ time.”

Is infidelity a sign of some problem in a relationship or just a natural and inevitable part of relationships? I feel it as a betrayal and my partner feels it has nothing to do with us and has no effect on our relationship. Is it possible to have a relationship between two people who feel differently about this issue?

There’s not much point in having a partner if you can’t count on him (and we’ll assume it’s a him); what doesn’t work for cops doesn’t work for civilians, either. First, however, you gotta figure out what you want to count on him for.

There are partners—admittedly, they’re rare—who have compulsively wandering weenuses but are reliable when it comes to covering the kids, the bank account, and your back. They won’t keep secrets from you, other than the tales of their penis’s travels.

It may be humiliating to be married to a guy like that, but the lifestyle and dinner table conversation may be worth it, particularly if he’s rich and famous. It’s fun to be king, and fun to hang out with him (at least until the press catches on to his shenanigans).

At least you know, from what they do, that it’s not personal. Your partner, for instance, is telling you that he is who he is, not that you’re not lovable. For you, relationships include monogamy, and for him, they don’t, no matter whom he’s partnering with.

So, as usual, the person you really need to consult is yourself. You want to know whether your heart can stand the strain, not to mention the ability of the rest of your body to fend off STDs.

The trouble is, the more vulnerable your heart, the more likely you are to fall for the guy because you love him, regardless of the fact that you probably knew, right from the start, that he is a wanderer. Your heart is also more likely to talk you into the false hope that that he’ll change, or you’ll change, and it will be OK. If that happens, the betrayer isn’t him or his parts, but your own little heart persuading yourself that you can get him to change.

The other risk of partnering with a wandering guy is that they often forget the facts of life—their penises have about the same brain-power as your heart—with the result that there’s another unexpected kid out there with a legitimate (or illegitimate) claim to your family resources. That’s a surprise that can send the wanderer on the lam for good.

If you’re honest in presenting yourself with the risks and benefits of your decision, you’ll never be a victim. Know your heart, however, and remember that he’s not going to change, and neither are the facts of life. Trust your ability to decide.

STATEMENT:
“I’m angry and hurt by my partner’s infidelity, but it’s a waste of time to argue, with him or myself, about whether he should change or be ashamed, because the real question is whether I can stand him the way he is, accepting that he’s not going to change and that there’s a price to be paid for loving him.”

I was pleased at first when the middle school principal took an interest in my 12-year-old daughter—he ran into her every day at the crosswalk in front of the school, and he liked her for all the right reasons—but now it’s 7 years later, she’s in college, he’s 45 and divorced with 2 kids, and their relationship has become serious. As a father, I can’t tell her to drop him because he has a reputation for being a good guy and makes no secret of the fact that he loves her. In any case, she won’t listen and will just pull back from me, which will reduce my influence even more. My goal is to get her to drop him before she gets trapped in something that really won’t be good for her.

As always, if you want to have an impact on your kid, don’t blurt out your fears. You’ll go from being a knowing authority to the scared party that needs convincing, instead of the other way around.

If you imply she’s too easily influenced by a guy old enough to be her father (it will be hard for you to avoid that phrase, but avoid that phrase), she’ll show you you’re wrong, by defying her actual father. If you talk about his baggage—age, ex-wife, child support—she’ll see a man in need of love and a family that she can heal.

Instead, put your protective emotions aside, treat her like an adult, and ask her how she sees the advantages and disadvantages of this kind of partnership. Respect the obvious advantages, i.e., he’s a guy who seems solid (although you want to know more about what happened to his marriage), probably makes her feel safe and secure, and has a lot to teach her (no snideness intended).

Then make sure she considers the obvious drawbacks, as if you were discussing a business deal. If the attraction is fueled by the normal admiration a young person, uncertain about her gifts and independence, feels for an accomplished person who knows the ropes, or by the pleasure it gives the old guy so admired, there’s a risk. After all, things will change as she grows older, acquires more confidence (partly thanks to him), feels more like a peer, and wonders whether they really have that much in common any more. Both of them have a lot to lose.

Unless she makes a good living and saves up some money, there’s also a risk she’ll help take care of his kids without there being enough left over for the two of them or for starting a family, so advise her to watch how he manages his competing obligations. He should do right by his kids without being overly responsive to his first family with time, money, or emotional reactivity.

If he has credit card debt, or doesn’t manage his money carefully, her admiration will disappear the moment they have to pay for something big together, whether it’s upsized digs or a hospital bill. She’s thinking love, but you need to channel Jane Austen and think money.

Don’t expect to change her mind. All you can do is alert her to possible roadblocks and disappointments while making it clear that your main interest is her best interest and that you accept her, regardless. Then you’ll make it clear that if she’s interested in a man who really is like her father, he’d want her to do what’s right for her and not bind her to premature or crippling commitments.

STATEMENT:
“I’m sad and worried about my daughter’s relationship with an older guy, but I’ll make clear that the risks I see are not due to her being foolish or her boyfriend’s not being a nice guy, but to the fact that life is hard and that their age difference puts horrible stresses on relationships as time goes by.”

I’m feeling a little lost. For most of my life, I’ve been an excellent student. I made As and Bs with minimal effort. Seriously, I’d just show up to class, take a few notes, and get an A. I didn’t really have to try. It just happened. The past two years, however, it seems like I’ve been sinking further and further into a hole that’s gotten so deep, I can’t even see where I fell in. I have difficulty motivating myself to get out of bed 90% of the time. When I used to be able to pen an excellent paper in a few hours’ time, I find myself now staring at a blank Word document with nothing but a header for weeks. My GPA has plummeted from fantastic (not stellar, but it would’ve done well enough) to abysmal. The only thing keeping me from dropping out of college entirely is the fact that I know I’d have nothing else at all to live for. My family already thinks I’m a failure, because I haven’t graduated yet. The past two years has put me painfully behind schedule. I’m thoroughly unhappy, and I honestly don’t know how the hell to stop it. I need help figuring out what the hell I need to do to get out of this hole.

Pretend you’ve just been told you have a fatal disease. Suddenly, your GPA and the opinions it inspires in your family and friends probably matter a lot less, no?

When you’re in workplaces, families and/or schools, they seem to be the whole universe and your place in them seems to define who you are. The best thing about being cast out, or even just moving on, is that you gain an opportunity to define your worth more independently, in terms of your values and efforts, instead of what people thought of your performance.

Right now, your grades and your family are telling you you’re a failure, but they don’t deserve to have the last word. You have obstacles you can’t control, and you have good qualities not currently recognized in your limited universe.

It’s time to reassess not just what’s wrong, but how it’s wrong, for whom, and how much is really in your power.

Start by exploring your learning stoppage. For most people who want to learn something but can’t, the two most common reasons are depression and learning problems (or some combination of the two). Find out whether you have these problems and, if you do, get help.

Remember, you don’t control whether you have those problems, and there’s no perfect cure. What you are responsible for, however, is doing your best to get moving and learn what you want to learn, regardless of equipment/perceived failures.

Fear tells you that you’re caught between the helplessness of not being able to function and the hopelessness of having nothing to live for. Those are terrible thoughts that you would never, ever impose on anyone else, and you certainly don’t deserve to hear them yourself. Your school and your family probably don’t feel this way either, although depression can convince you otherwise.

If you were counseling a friend, you’d tell them that good people are sometimes unable to function and that achievement is never a good thing to live for, because sometimes you can’t achieve. You’d urge a friend to live for the values he or she has always lived for and accept the fact that sometimes you’re fucked.

With or without a fatal disease, we’re all at risk for sudden death, but there are measures we can take to try and make life last. It’s time to put your health above academics and other people’s opinions. If you’ve got the right priorities and perspective, then failure is not an option.

STATEMENT:
“I’m getting nowhere and have lost my ability to perform, but there’s no reason to think my problem is permanent and there are lots of good things I can do, other than school, until I recover. I may be flunking out of school, but I’m also enrolled in Impairment 101, which forces me to think constructively about my impaired performance or get swept away by fears of failure and humiliation. I intend to do well.”

I used to love my job, which I began while I was still in high school. My first boss was a wonderful mentor who groomed me to take over when she got promoted, and for about 10 years I followed her into her old jobs as she moved up in the company. I worked hard and people respected me. Then we got bought by another company, she left for another city, and I reported to a new boss who was much more comfortable with his male buddies from the other company than with any woman, including me. I knocked myself out to show him what I could do, and he still found fault and gave all the good assignments to the guys. Finally, after a negative performance review, I let him know I was thinking of suing for sex discrimination, and suddenly no one is talking to me. They’re not threatening to fire me, but people avoid eye contact and I’m totally out of the loop. So now I’m depressed and it’s hard to get to work and I’m worried they’ll really have grounds to fire me, because I’ve lost all my get up and go. I don’t see any way forward. My goal is to get back on track.

The real Horatio Alger American Dream isn’t just about getting ahead because of hard work; it’s also about good, hard-working people always getting what they deserve. It’s a promise made by every teacher and every CEO; work hard, and you’ll get ahead.

Too bad no one can actually deliver on that promise. It’s called the American Dream, not the American Reality, for a reason. Yes, great teachers and great bosses are wonderful, and they sometimes happen. So does good weather. And so does hail.

It’s tempting to believe you can create a better world in your particular social or work group or family, and it’s certainly worth trying. Sooner or later, however, things can go sour and it’s your job to have individual priorities and principals for yourself that can take over in an emergency, when the lights and liking and fairness go out and you have to find your own way to the exit.

If you can prove sex discrimination and make a bundle, more power to you. What it sounds like, however, is that you’re expressing your anger and helplessness at the injustice and exhaustion of your position, and that’s destructive. Your boss, of course, doesn’t see it that way and neither does his boss. So the moment you take them on, you’re out in the cold. Bad weather made worse.

Give up on them, but not on yourself. Absolutely nothing has happened that should shake your belief and faith in yourself and your own accomplishments. Despite your history, you need to dismantle your emotional ties to this company and these people; they’re not your family, they’re not good for you, and they have nothing else to offer at this point.

Think harder about the assets you offer and the sort of workplace you need to find that would be a good fit, even if you need to work with a headhunter or a job coach. Remember who you are and the professional you’ve become.

If, like the idealist above, you feel depressed, a doctor might be able to help. For now, remember that getting what you deserve is a fantasy; get out of this job, and get what you need.

STATEMENT:
“The abilities I’ve discovered in myself, the skills I’ve acquired, the things I’ve accomplished, and my dedication and motivation haven’t changed one bit. The only thing that changed is that I’ve learned that good jobs can go bad, no matter how good you are, and that’s a painful but valuable truth. I’m going to suck up the pain and make use of the truth.”

My best friend drives me crazy and doesn’t give me room to breathe. She calls every night and wants to talk for at least half an hour, even when there’s nothing to talk about, but we’re adults, not high school kids. I work full-time and get home late, so she doesn’t expect us to get together during the week, but if I don’t want to see her on Saturday or Sunday she wants to know what I’m doing and acts hurt if I could have been doing it with her. We’re both over 40 and don’t get asked out much, but I’d like to develop a wider group of friends. Instead, I feel like I’m always on the defensive. The more irritated I get, the more careful I have to be about what I say, which just makes me sound more defensive. I’m trapped. My goal is to be myself with her.

Even though your friend sounds like the emotional Ike Turner, I’m sure she isn’t all bad; she might be good at offering support, or fun to hang out with, or talented with a guitar.

On the other hand, your friend is clingy by nature, over 21 and, if she hasn’t responded to comments about her clinginess so far, incapable of getting it. Remember, no matter how much she sounds like a jealous spouse, you and your friend aren’t married. It’s OK to ask yourself how much time you want to spend together, not just what’s best for Ike.

The point isn’t trying to be yourself, because that will just lead to a venting of poisonous feelings that will kill your friendship entirely. Instead, figure out what you want to do with her and how she fits in your life.

Don’t hold yourself responsible for feelings or expectations on her end that you haven’t encouraged or for debts you don’t owe, so regardless of what she feels or says, be OK with your own conscience when you put limits on your time together. Instead of defending your right to set limits or getting her to understand and approve, just set limits, and do it as if you have a right.

If she pushes, tell her you’re tired and get off the phone. Let her know you’re busy on Saturday and you don’t always like to talk about what you’re doing. If she pushes again, tell her it’s not a secret, you just don’t like to talk about it.

Don’t be blackmailed by guilt or fear; you can’t be guilty if you’re treating her as you would want to be treated, and you can’t be afraid of losing the relationship, because if she breaks it off, then you’re better off with loneliness than bondage, and you’re strong enough to suck it up.

What’s most likely is that, after huffing and puffing and looking for a reaction and seeing that it’s getting her nowhere, she’ll accept your terms and have a good time. If not, then you’ll have to accept the friendship divorce, but if Tina’s any indication, you’ll do better solo, anyway.

STATEMENT:
“I’m careful not to abuse my friendships so there’s no reason I should feel guilty about my best friend’s neediness or let it force me to be closer to her than I want to be. I’ll be firm and friendly about the way I want to do things and, if that doesn’t work for her, too bad. There are worse things than being lonely.”

My wife doesn’t interact all that much with me since her last stay in the loony bin. She doesn’t hear voices anymore and she can answer questions appropriately, but all she wants to do is read and watch television, and not interact with anyone. She tried a volunteer job but stopped going. She’s not interested in working and I can’t imagine that she would stick with it. She wants me around but also wants to stay in the other room and doesn’t enjoy interacting. Thank goodness we don’t have kids. I’m out every day working to support us. I married her for sickness and health and I take my vows seriously, but we’re in our early thirties and I see my whole life consumed by keeping her company while she watches TV. My goal is to figure out how to shake this feeling of being trapped.

If we lived in a world where total devotion to the people you love always did a lot of good, then it would always be a good thing. That would also be a world where no one got sick.

Unfortunately, illnesses happen that don’t get better in response to love and devotion—some people with psychiatric illness get worse—and that’s when love and devotion can do lots of harm, both to the would-be protector and his or her other dependents and relations.

The thoughtful wedding vow should bind you to stand by your spouse if it will substantially help his or her well-being or the success of what you’re trying to build together, which is usually a family. If, however, something happens that limits the amount of good you can do or that endangers your other obligations, then you have to make a decision.

That’s another way of saying it’s not right to stick with an out-of-control spouse if it endangers you or the kids, whether the problem is violent behavior, compulsive spending or hyper-sexuality. Your goal isn’t to be the very model of devotion, but to manage competing obligations, including one to yourself.

Ask yourself how much good you’re doing for your wife, given the damage her illness has done to her ability to have a relationship with you. If the main thing she gets from you is a benign presence in the next room, she may get as much from someone else, including a health aide.

You’re the one who must judge how much your partnership is costing you in terms of your other goals and relationships, then decide how much good it’s doing. If your roles were reversed and you were the one whose ability to relate were damaged by incurable illness, ask yourself what you would expect your wife to do.

Don’t do what looks right or feels good; do some moral heavy lifting by examining the competing obligations and prepare to feel bad no matter what you do. If you consider all your obligations and weigh your devotion to your wife in terms of necessity, i.e., how much good it does and how much it costs you, then whatever you decide will feel more like a choice and less like a trap.

Unlike the pair above, you did take vows, but the circumstances of those vows have changed. Now you have to decide whether being there for her in her sickness is actually healthy for either one of you.

STATEMENT:
“I will always honor my commitment to my wife, but I acknowledge that life can prevent that commitment from having a positive effect, and that it’s my job, if that happens, to give priority to what does the most good or prevents the most harm.”