I cannot accept the fact that my boyfriend looks at porn and it’s a specific kind (hentai and very tall women). For some reason, for it to be a certain type for some reason hurts me more. I grew up looking at porn and still do off and on, so I guess I am hypocritical about this whole situation. My therapist thinks I am madder at myself than him. He feels ashamed about it and said he will discontinue, but unfortunately, if he stops or not, I will still feel the same way which is not good enough for him. Am I a terrible person for having such double standards? I want to achieve self-worthiness, take things less seriously, and confront jealousy in a productive, less destructive manner, but my compulsive thoughts get the best of me. Your advice would be of great value to me.

I’m not sure which is likely to cause you more trouble: the impact of your boyfriend’s porn-watching on your feelings and the chemistry that holds your relationship together, or what his attachment to porn says about his character and ability to be a good partner.

In other words, he could be an asshole, or he could just like to look at animated ass. Figuring this out maybe be a very tall order (pun definitely intended).

You can’t help the way you feel about his hentai/height fascination and, if it’s a total turnoff, the party’s over. Often, however, turnoffs in a long-term relationship are relative and manageable, as well as unavoidable; you look away, focus on his more attractive qualities, and make it work.

There are few partnerships that don’t require a certain amount of accepting unlikeable qualities and habits. That’s why mutual acceptance is such an important requirement in any long-term relationship (and why the divorce rate is so high).

Don’t feel guilty, because this is what the getting-to-know-you phase of a relationship is all about: discovering whether there’s something about a person’s living habits that you really can’t stand. Respect your instincts, because no matter how much you love someone and would like to accept him, there’s only so much tolerance you can force on yourself before it becomes intolerable. At some point, you have to accept the verdict of your inner snob, even if your beloved is guilty of no crime worse than making you want to leave the room (because he’s aroused by dirty Japanese cartoons, but still).

As for the amount of time he spends a’porning, it may be a good indicator of how he manages all his impulses, including drinking, drugging, spending, etc., and tell you how much you can trust him when the chips are down. Don’t let guilt or wishful thinking prevent you from determining objectively whether you can accept him and whether he can manage himself.

If you want to know if porn rules his soul, pay more attention to his bank account, work habits, and contribution to household chores than to his hard-drive. If he can’t keep himself away from the computer but can keep his life together, that’s a good sign, and should make his bad habits easier to ignore.

If he can’t keep anything together, then you probably can’t be together, either, nor should you ignore this advice.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being disgusted by my boyfriend’s porn-watching but I have a right to my feelings and to worry that addiction is often a flag for weakness and unreliability. I don’t need a shrink or a detective to get my answers. I have the strength to accept them if they’re not what I want.”

I wish I could figure out what to do with my boss. He’s not a bad guy, but he drives me crazy by playing favorites and just not understanding my suggestions. I sense he tries, and he’s not malicious, but he doesn’t get what I have to say, so he always turns to someone else. When I talked with him about the problem, I think he sincerely wished we could communicate better, but then nothing changed. I’d speak up, his eyes would glaze over, and the discussion would move past me. I know my ideas aren’t bad, because I’ve been doing my job a long time and my previous bosses respected my work, but it’s tough being politely disregarded. My goal is to get through to him so we can all work together as a team.

Two good things in your approach towards your stupid-but-not-an-asshole boss: you’re not taking his rejection of your ideas personally, and you’re not acting badly. That’s an accomplishment when, every day that you show up for work, you have to watch from the sidelines, particularly when you’re used to being a position player.

Badgering your boss is probably not a good idea; he’s not an asshole yet, but you never know what will happen if you push him harder to be someone he’s already shown you he can’t be. That’s usually the best way to bring out the worst in someone and maybe lose your job altogether.

Anchor yourself by weighing the advantages of the job versus the pain of doing it. I assume you’ve got the usual good reasons for sticking around, at least for now, i.e., the money, the money, the money, and a lack of alternatives.

Don’t think of it as a trap just because you’re suffocating and there’s no way out. Life is hard, survival is tough, and it almost always involves swimming upstream in shit. Bad luck has brought you a strong current, but you can be proud that you haven’t drowned.

Don’t burden yourself with the expectation that you should like your boss because he’s a nice guy, or that you should be able to work things out because he’s not an asshole. If life were fair, those things would be true. Since it isn’t, don’t hold yourself responsible.

In the future, when you’re sizing up a possible boss (or prospective friend or partner), add one more thing to your list of essential, no-deal-if-you-don’t-have-‘em qualities, and that’s an ability to appreciate your point of view and speak your language. Obviously, you’re willing to bridge the gap and learn his language, but you now know there are some gaps that are too big and languages that you can’t learn unless you grew up with them. And since you’re got big reasons to stay at this job, despite the bad chemistry with your boss, take pride in how well you sit the bench.

STATEMENT:
“I feel as if what I say and do at work has no value because my boss disregards me, but I’ve proven my ability long ago, including reasonable communication skills, and am sure that I would have more to offer if he weren’t tone-deaf. I’m sure I’ll be stronger for having survived this experience. “

When my son was born 30 years ago, I met two other moms and we became friends. Although with partners, we shared the same interests and our kids got along well, and we spent the next years as very good friends doing lots of things together and with the children-one of those friends even married my brother (one son and three years later, they divorced). At the same time, I met a new partner (I was now separated from my son’s father), and we spent the next 27 years having a very on-off relationship. It’s difficult to sum up all those years but I think I can say that I probably cried through most of it! I should have left, I didn’t, he wasn’t committed, I was, I wanted a family life, he didn’t. I’m not perfect and I didn’t always behave well. Five years ago he had a son by another, not partner, woman and when that didn’t work out he and I got together again. Then last year, I invited my friend/ex sister-in-law to lunch with us, and they got together. The shock was immense … and it’s not so much the loss of either but this terrible feeling that I have been used as a sort of dating service by my friend and I just can’t get rid of this feeling of betrayal. It’s now a year on and I haven’t seen them since, and the emotional hurt is a lot less– I have done lots of new things, made new friends, and life is rosier, but I have this constant anxiety that this friend is going to take someone else from me – my sister? my other brother? and, worst of all, I have this strange fear that it will be my son. I would like to be happy for my ex and my friend, but I can’t. I protect myself by staying away but I have this huge sense of loss that I have lost this whole part of my life. I need to let go of this underlying anxiety that I am going to lose someone to her again.

When it comes to kids, we expect parents not to expose them to unnecessary rejections and losses from adults they’ll get attached to, who will then go away. When it comes to how parents protect their own hearts, however, the same standards don’t seem to apply, even though, as your experience shows, they really should.

Yes, I understand, you’ve loved a guy for 27 years, but it was always off-and-on, causing you intermittent heartache and wasting your opportunity for something better. You wouldn’t have needed a shrink, psychic, or your average plumber to predict a sad end to all you invested in him and his family.

That doesn’t mean your love was meaningless or less than real. It was powerful, at least for you. Like a good mother, however, your job is to protect yourself from real attachments that can’t work, and you haven’t done that.

What’s worse, you’ve come to assume that love controls you, as it has, so you’ve become a victim and fear that love will screw you again, and take away someone you care about. You’re afraid, but if you’re more careful about who and how you love in the first place, you will have the control you need, some peace of mind, as well as a lot less heartache.

The good news then is that love can’t screw you if you don’t let it. The bad news is that most love won’t work, and you’ve got to leave it alone when you know it won’t, regardless of what your heart says. One thing you’ve learned from your 27-year affair is that life is short, and it’s better to feel some pain now than feel a lot of pain over the course of decades.

First, resolve to stop being a victim. It’s no accident you’ve done better since your friend put an end to your underpowered (it takes two to power) love. Instead of worrying about your next loss, celebrate the fact that you’ve gained new friends and found better relationships.

You’re also more likely than ever before to find relationships that will last, but only if you interrupt the flow of good internal feelings at the beginning of a relationship to ask yourself if there’s any evidence it will actually work.

By the way, it would also help your brother and possibly your friend to ask themselves the same question. If you hang around with people who follow their attractions without giving much thought to consequences or values, you’ll find yourself in the midst of a boiling soap opera, and often be its victim. And the victimhood ends now.

As for that former friends’ tendency to use your friends and family as her dating pool, you’ve finally done what you should have done long ago, when you saw her mistreat your brother, by putting her out of your life. Suck up the sorrow, embrace your ability to do what’s necessary, and don’t let your feelings of powerlessness make you paranoid. You’re in control now, and even if you can’t control her, you can’t let her craziness run your life.

So, in addition to giving yourself better, more compassionate management, stay away from people who regard feelings-management as unacceptable interference with their inalienable right to follow their hearts.

As you’ve learned, following your heart often puts you on a decades-long trail of tears. Protect yourself as you would your son, enjoy your freedom, and keep enjoying it until you find someone reliable enough to enjoy it with you.

STATEMENT:
“I may always be sad about my old lover and scared of losing again, but I learned a lot from that love, I’ve done much better since I gave it up, and I will continue to do better if I remember what I’ve learned and stay away from people whose self-control I can’t trust.”

I promised my wife I’d stop messing around, and I meant it, but last month I did it again and restarted an old fling. I love my wife and the last thing I want is to lose her and the kids’ respect; I’ve got a wonderful family, and I’m not some macho guy who goes cruising to pick up skanks in bars. My problem is that women have always been very attracted to me, I don’t know why, and the sex is very, very satisfying (for both of us), even when we don’t really have much of a relationship. I’m an asshole, and I can’t stop myself. What can I do?

Certain ingredients make love particularly addictive, and one, for guys, is female adulation. They say women loves compliments and being adored, but they rarely ruin their marriages in order to receive them.

Certainly, what addicts you is not your fling-partner as a person, and sex is probably just a part of it. What lights up your pleasure centers and creates needs you can’t control is a mysterious combination of feeling strong, desired, and personally admired.

Whatever feeds your habit, it’s been going on a long time, and understanding its sources in your personality will probably not help. More likely, analyzing your feelings will make you more self-critical and vulnerable to the need for sexual re-inflation.

Unless I’m mistaken, you’ll find the addiction is hard to break, no matter how hard you try, and your first task will be, as they say in AA, to admit your helplessness and accept it as a fact of life. No, that doesn’t mean accepting that it will control your life, simply that it will be a presence in your life that you have to work hard every day to control and that may never be entirely controlled. The first step to avoiding asshole-ish behavior is acknowledging that you’re acting like an asshole in the first place.

Indeed, some people never control it, in spite of overwhelming incentives to do so. The good news, however, is that some good people have sustained meaningful marriages in spite of this behavior. Somehow, their wives felt loved, valued, and secure, despite their husband’s many affairs (and went on to become Secretary of State).

If it’s available, I recommend a 12 step group with other men who know what you’re talking about and who are trying to keep themselves under control. Look for a few attendees with good control who are leaders and sponsors. Unfortunately, there aren’t many guys who have this problem in the way you do, and stigma keeps them from identifying themselves, even to one another, but they are out there.

Even without a 12 step group, however, use 12 step principles. Accepting your helplessness means you shouldn’t promise your wife you’ll stop, because that will likely trap you in lies and shame. Tell her you can’t make promises, but you’ll try, one day (and come hither stare) at a time.

Take strength from your honesty and honest efforts. If you can regain your pride, you can show your wife how much you love her, instead of mollifying her like an angry mother.

Don’t give up. Spend time thinking about the reasons you want to stay faithful, aside from appeasing your wife. Look for any activity, or even a medication, that will allow you to think for a couple more seconds before you act. An antidepressant that has the side effect of reducing sex drive will go a long way towards preventing the act in the first place.

Shame, lying, and mollifying are probably as disruptive to your marriage as the infidelity itself. Work on all fronts and you may be able to improve your marriage and self-esteem, and then you’ll be able to look for some compliments and adoration from within.

STATEMENT:
“My compulsive sexual habits make me feel deceitful and threaten everything I value, but I’ll try to take strength from what I value to invest in my marriage, let my wife know where I stand, and stay focused on improving my self-control.”

Well, I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years, and during our third year I got into his Facebook account and saw that he’d cheated on me by talking online with girls saying he loved them. I walked away for about 4 months. He tried everything to get me back and after he showed me he changed I thought I should give it one last chance since he is my first everything. I’m trying to move past this but I feel there is something inside me that wants to explode every time I am with him. What advice can you give me to forget this incident or should I not forget?

You’ve given this guy one more chance because he’s your “first everything,” which is understandable. At this point, however, he’s also your first lesson in how character, unlike love, is forever.

He didn’t do this to hurt or disrespect you, because that would imply he thought his actions through before taking them. Instead, he acted on his very flawed set of instincts, which is what brings his character into question.

Sincerity, tons of respect, and heaps of flowers shouldn’t get you to lower your guard. Most guys who sincerely regret their bad behavior regret it because they got caught, or they don’t feel like that any more, or they wish you weren’t mad at them.

Sure, guys like this may really, really love you and have nothing but sincere regrets, but they can’t admit that their basic instincts haven’t changed, won’t change, and will always come back. They sincerely wish that weren’t true and that the guy who did those bad things was another guy, but all the earnest wishes in the world don’t guarantee that his actions will improve.

Most guys with bad instincts improve, not by becoming better people, but learning to control themselves after getting to truly know themselves, for better or worse. At some time or other, they accept the fact that their bad instincts will never go away, and that they will always have to struggle to keep them in check. They know that the moment they think they’ve won permanent control, they’re in real trouble.

Unless he worships the ground you walk on, your boyfriend’s love will probably not keep him on the straight and narrow. If he controls himself because he loves you and doesn’t want to hurt you, that’s fine for as long as it lasts. Usually, however, real couples get mad at one another over stupid things and have petty urges to hurt one another. That’s when his control will break down, unless it’s rooted in deeper, personal values, not just loving feelings that can fade after a shouting match.

Your goal then isn’t to forget this incident, but to first figure out whether it’s indicative of what your future together holds. Don’t pay lots of attention to the sincerity of his love or whether he shows you tons of respect, but do give him points for admitting that he has an honesty problem, and give him more points if he wants to change because he wants to be a better guy, and not just to get your love. Give him lots of points if his actions reflect his words over a long period of time.

You know what you think about his cheating, but the real question is, what does he think about it, and what does he plan to do. If his plan just involves groveling and empty promises, get ready to be the first one in the relationship to say it’s over.

STATEMENT:
“Cheating feels like my boyfriend disrespects me and that it won’t happen if his respect is real. That’s not true. Cheating is a bad habit that’s hard to change and it has very little to do with how much he loves or respects me. The only way I can safely trust him with my future is if I see that he owns his problem, wants to be a better guy, and keeps his hands, eyes, and email connections to himself.”

After 10 years of working my butt off for this company, my boss rewarded me by giving me all the shitty parts of her job and taking away all the things I liked to do and giving them to herself. She’s not mad at me and doesn’t want to force me out. I don’t think she expects me to be mad and if I told her, she’d think I was being touchy. My goal is to feel better about these changes so I don’t blow up, but doing this job has never been easy and now it feels like an endless humiliation.

If you’ve worked your butt off for a company and gotten treated like shit, there’s a wonderful lesson to be learned. You should never, ever treat work as if it’s family or the whole of your life. You also shouldn’t be surprised if losing your ass makes a shitty feeling increase.

I know most jobs come to feel like family; you see more of the people you work with than anyone else, and the bosses talk about caring, loyalty, and fairness. It’s hard not to feel humiliated and/or like the mistreated middle child if no one listens and you’re given tasks that everyone else hates doing.

Remember, however, that your goal in working is to make a living, not to get the job done or win your boss’s respect. You work for yourself and your own values, and, while your boss is your most important client, that’s all he is. Until the day arrives when respect becomes currency, focus on your paycheck and timecard instead.

If you care too much about your work and then feel unappreciated, your feelings become dangerous. It’s not just that disgruntlement gets noticed, but that criticized bosses always find something wrong with you. At that point, it gets personal and moral, and you’re the one who will wind up in the shrink’s office, not them.

Step back, assess your strengths and opportunities, then market yourself and see what’s out there. If the job market is dead—and that’s been the rule for the last few years—respect yourself for working with disrespect. It’s hard enough to make a living when your boss likes you.

Take comfort in this secret: the guy who does the shit-work no one else wants usually has a more secure job because processing shit is the most essential part of any job. Work hard, but get your butt back; after all, you already work for an asshole.

STATEMENT:
“I may feel as if my devotion has been rewarded with humiliation and disrespect, but that means I’ve been giving too much to my job and not thinking enough about my own priorities. It’s time to become my own boss and develop a job description that limits overwork and attends to other parts of my life. I don’t really want to be a well-appreciated worker who knocks himself out for the sake of the company. I want to be a guy who values his own work and loves quittin’ time.”

My husband, a heterosexual, healthy 37-year-old man who loves me, does not want to have sex with me most of the time. We used to have good sex for the first year or so, but then with time it became less and less frequent, e.g., every 6-9 months. I am attractive and feel that other men find me desirable. We tried talking, seeing a sex therapist (didn’t go well, he just found the whole thing frustrating and upsetting and was angry with me for making him go). He says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel like having sex with me, but it deeply affects my self-esteem and our relationship. I gained some weight (20 pounds) and went from skinny to curvy over the last 10 years, and I know that it was a big(ish) issue for him. I’m currently doing good diet/exercise routine and am slowly loosing the extra pounds, but I really don’t know how much it will help. He says he finds other women attractive and would probably have sex with them if he was single, so obviously the issue is with us/me or our relationship. He also says that he loves me a lot and is faithful, but we don’t have fun anymore and that I always complain and want to have serious talks, and he’s tired of it. Overall it’s a good relationship, with some ups and downs, but we’re honest with each other and love each other very much. I would really appreciate some advice since I’m losing hope that it will ever change.

It feels good to feel attractive, sexy, rich, powerful, or whatever, but those feelings, or any feelings, don’t make a good foundation for building your self-esteem or your partnership. And they’re quicksand to a healthy marriage.

After all, you won’t always be attractive or sexy (age, weight gain/loss, a rare case of leprosy), and you may lose your riches or power (poor economy, joblessness, making “bunga bunga” with a teenager like a certain political Italian).

At that point, if you believe what your feelings tell you, you’ll be a loser, and your marriage will be worthless. It’s better to stop that kind of thinking right away and, above all, not to talk like that to your husband.

In addition, you’re talking as if he’s responsible for failing as a husband, even though it’s unlikely that he has any control over the disappointing sexual chemistry between you. You’ve made excellent attempts to get help together and they haven’t worked. As George Clinton would say, you can’t force the funk.

If the bad news is that your soured chemistry can’t be altered, the good news is that he’s not to blame. When you talk like it is his fault and insist that he could do better if he tried harder in therapy, or that you can’t have fun together without sex, or that he’s a pig for hating your new curves, you’ve turned an uncontrollable misfire of sexual chemistry into a personal failure of love and friendship.

So instead of assigning him blame, acknowledge his strengths and achievements. He has stuck with you despite a lack of lust, a corresponding excess of talk, and his urge to wander. You continue to enjoy living with him in spite of the sexual famine, and you’ve survived the stress, shame and humiliation of your sex coma.

Most importantly, you have what good marriages need, which is a lot of positive personal chemistry and devotion. You have more to be proud of than do horny, happy people who assume their hot sex life makes them “successful” (viva Berlusconi!) rather than simply lucky.

If you acknowledge your husband’s strength, as well as the uncontrollable nature of his sex drive, you may find him more willing to explore ways of coping with the problem, perhaps by giving you pleasure in bed even if he’s not aroused, or seeing an endocrinologist to check out his hormone levels.

Yes, it’s embarrassing for him and it’s too bad you’re not getting any, and hey, you might even want to call the whole thing off. If you do, however, it’s because a neurologic reflex failed, not him; it’s chemical, not personal. Even if you do lose your marriage, neither one of you is a loser doomed to a life of funklessness.

STATEMENT:
“It’s sad and frustrating that my husband’s sex drive has faded with the familiarity of marriage, but it sure hasn’t been for lack of trying, for either one of us. Now I have to accept the fact that things aren’t likely to change, and decide whether the good parts of our partnership outweigh the loss of sexual pleasure. No matter what happened to our sexual chemistry, however, we haven’t failed as people or partners.”

I want nothing more than to bring a little peace to my family, but often it seems impossible. My daughter is a genius at messing up and then apologizing for nothing, and my husband believes he has to drum her misdeeds into her head to make sure she’ll never do them again. He wants me to support his criticism, and she wants me to defend her from being picked on, and neither will stop bickering once they get started. My goal is to impose some peace and quiet.

The problem with an excessive need for peace, as Neville Chamberlain found out, is that it can make you excessively compliant with the biggest, loudest, most belligerent asshole in the room.

If they want your attention and support, you won’t get peace; instead, they’ll compete to see who can make you feel more guilt or fear until you finally feel their pain (instead of the other guy’s) and do what they want.

If you look rattled or upset, they know they’re on the right track. Remember, a good war needs an anguished bystander as much as it needs angry opponents.

Instead of expressing your anguish about their conflict, work out a procedure for providing them with a fair response. It should include listening to the substance of the complaint, deciding whether it requires action and/or sympathy on your part, and then refusing to participate in further argument.

You need to believe you’ve done what you can and that you have no additional responsibility for their pain and conflict, other than not to make it worse by joining in. In most cases, the only action you’ll need to take is to acknowledge that they’re being bothered, and that they’re right to feel bothered, but there’s nothing you can do other than tell them to let it go.

Nobody wants to hear that, and they’ll probably give you a momentary earful, but it will be short and sweet, (and cut off by closing the door behind you), compared to the escalating battle that your usual placating inspires.

Trying to smooth out everyone’s feelings just encourages more feelings, which leads to more conflict. Life is unfair, you don’t have the power to fix it, and unless you’re married to, or are a parent to, Hitler, feel free to sit this one out.

STATEMENT:
“I hate hearing my husband and daughter argue, and I don’t like judging their complaints, but I’m prepared to give them a hearing if necessary and decide if anything needs to be done because it allows me to withdraw from further discussion with a clear conscience, after giving them the best advice I can.”

PLEASE NOTE: We will have a new post on Monday, 12/27, but we’re taking a week off after that for family’ing. If you have angst, holiday related or no, that you need to share, speak now or wait until 2011.

Every now and then my husband, who is a sweet soul and mostly very smart, does something so mind-bogglingly stupid that it puts the whole family in danger. The latest incident happened when he was hanging out at a bar after work and, deeply (into drinking and) moved by the hard luck story of the guy on the stool next to him, he offered, without asking me, to guarantee the guy’s car loan. The next thing we knew, the bank was after our savings because his ex-best-bar-buddy had stopped paying the loan and the car was nowhere to be found. I admit it, I did a lot of screaming and feel like I was a saint for not killing him, but the real goal here is, how do I prevent him from doing it again.

You’re asking a mental health clinician to help you understand and/or change your husband’s behavior. Instead, you should be talking to a lawyer.

You want to stop him from doing it again, but what you really need is to protect yourself from the sure-to-happen next time his impulsive, besotted generosity imperils the family treasury.

You probably expect me, as a mental health clinician, to support the humanistic, liberal, uplifting belief that therapy can help people can change. Sadly, you don’t need a professional of any kind to tell you what you already know: that therapy doesn’t have that kind of power, people don’t change, and that the best you can hope for, from therapy or your own wifely intervention, is a chance at better self-management for those who really, really want it.

So if you told me your husband recognized that he had a weakness for either drinking or foolish generosity or both, acknowledged that he was probably going to do it again, and was humbly working to get a better handle on himself, I’d share in your hopefulness (even if I wouldn’t lend you money).

What I assume from your silence on this issue, however, is that your husband was full of shame and remorse, apologized profusely, and swore it would never happen again…just as he did after the last time something like this happened. He’s sorry, until the next time he turns into the drunken fairy godfather, and the collection agency is back at your door. The circle of your life continues.

Instead of feeding the circle further with your anger, accept his weakness as a fact of life, and if you don’t (yet) want divorce, find a lawyer to help protect your finances. Tell your husband that, anger aside, you know he’ll do it again unless he ‘fesses up to his weakness and works on it, preferably in frequent 12 step meetings lasting until he no longer knows how to sign a check or find a bar.

Forget about changing your husband; work on building your independence and an emotional distance that can protect you from murdering him. Be nice if he works on his problem; otherwise, go about your business, but keep that lawyer on speed dial.

STATEMENT:
“My husband’s weakness for giving, particularly drunken giving, scares me and means I can never trust him. Attacking him or trying to get him to change is a waste of time. I must bear my fear and disappointment while I separate our finances, prepare to manage on my own, and use emotional distance or praise to encourage him to improve his self-control.”

I knew my ex-girlfriend was a little crazy—that’s why we broke up—but I had no idea she was going to try to get pregnant afterward, because who does something like that? She begged me for one more dinner together as friends, which led to one last night stand, or so I thought. Now, fast forward 6 months, I’ve got a not-crazy new girlfriend I’m really serious about, and I get a call from my ex telling me I’m going to be a father and I don’t have to marry her but she’ll expect child support. My current girlfriend thinks I’m either an idiot or a liar (and she might be right about the first part). My goal is to win back my girlfriend’s respect and not be such an idiot.

The first question you must ask yourself when you do something stupid (see case above) is, am I ignorant or am I incurably, repeatedly stupid.

Most people past a certain age are the latter, and the sooner they accept that fact, the sooner they can empower their friends and family to lock them up when they inevitably show signs of doing the same thing all over again.

Let’s say it and get it out of the way: in a bloodless coup, your body’s leadership was taken over by your penis—the original benevolent Dicktator–and always will (until it runs out of steam or gets soft-armed by a serotonin-boosting antidepressant, at which point your IQ goes up at least 10 points).

If you swear to your now-girlfriend that you’re totally devoted and have learned your lesson and will never, ever be stupid again, she should run the other way; total devotion, either to her or your romantic feelings, is another way of saying that you’re not interested in rational thought about consequences, and are just as vulnerable to sentimental manipulation as ever.

Instead, own up to the power of your true, supreme leader/wiener. Discard false pride, look for the warning signs of your next lapse, and know what you’re going to do when they appear, which they surely will. Look around for your local chapter of Dickheads Anonymous and tell Bill to say hi to Hillary from me.

Tell your girlfriend you know you’re an idiot dickhead, but you’re really, really trying to keep it under control. If you think it will help, explain that it’s not that you’re a sex addict (at least, you don’t seem to be), just stupidly sentimental. Make it clear that you hate being a dickhead because you hate being a dickhead, not because you want to please her.

As for your ex-, don’t talk to her until you’ve talked to your lawyer (see above, again), come to terms with the inevitable, and decided whether you want to have anything to do with your we’ll-always-trust-one-another love child.

Then send her a closely edited, unemotional letter (anything you say will be held against you) telling her, in nice terms, what you propose to do. Remember to keep a copy of that letter and frame it; let this shrine to your stupidity encourage you the next time the Dicktator tries to call the shots.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t believe how badly I’ve hurt myself by being stupid, but I can’t undo what’s happened or change the Stupid Center in my brain. What I can do, however, is learn about my weakness for sentimental proposals and develop new habits for thinking, waiting, and seeking advice before I and my little man do things that can’t be taken back.”

I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.

It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.

The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.

While you might think your stepfather’s rule is tyrannical, I’m sure, instead of just being a step-stereotype, he believes he’s doing what’s fair. He probably thinks that his son is both more vulnerable and less defiant than you are, so he can get a pass.

That means he also believes that you have less respect for his authority and are less grateful, given what he does to support you in your many activities, and that he’s made your life that much better since arriving on the scene and adding his parenting resources to your mother’s.

He struggles to be fair, and not only don’t you appreciate his efforts, you reward him with criticism, disrespect, and dislike. He sees himself as a benevolent leader, and you’re his unruly underling.

Of course, I’m not saying that he’s right, just that stepfathers are the way they are, and that your goal is to make the most out of life in your new family, not fall on your sword for the sake of freedom.

One technique you can use—which is almost as tough for adults, but there’s never any choice—is to try to ignore whether he thinks you’re a good kid or not, and just try to live up to your own idea of what that means. Again, mammals of all ages want approval, so this will be a challenge.

Still, try not to slack off or get defiant because he seems unappreciative or always wants more. Once you act negatively in response to him, you lose your strongest weapon, which is your belief that you’ve been pretty good.

Another technique is to try to make him feel more effective, regardless of how you yourself feel. Don’t lie, but go out of your way to appreciate what he does for the family. It’s called “being political,” which means focusing on the positive so as to make it easier to do business. It is also known as “talking out of your ass,” although you’re only talking truth.

Also, being positive takes your defiant behavior out of the problem. If you’re very positive and shut up about your complaints, and he still looks like he doesn’t like you, then you really know it’s not your fault and it has nothing to do with you.

And, by the way, you’re screwed, but you’re also off to college, anyway, since that scholarship seems to be in sight. Unlike your helpless stepbrother, you’ll get to flee your stepfather’s fucking unf**r dictatorship.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being treated unfairly and pushed to do more when I’m already over-worried and overworked, but I respect my mother’s attempt to create more security for our family by finding a partner, and I respect my own attempts to make things work when the feelings are basically pretty negative.”

My ex-husband drives me crazy with his worries about whether I’ve said something to upset our kids or over-stimulated them by introducing them to my boyfriend, whom I’ve been dating for a year. And God forbid I should traumatize them by having him sleep over during a visitation weekend. But I usually go along, because I think the kids are sensitive. What got me upset recently, however, was finding out that he’s taking the kids on a vacation along with his girlfriend. I think that will be just as hard on the kids, and my goal is to make sure he doesn’t expose them to inappropriate sexual intimacy.

It’s not good to try to make kids too happy, particularly during hard times. That’s not because you should worry about spoiling them, but because it’s often impossible to spare them pain, life being what it is, and you’re bound to fail. Then it’s one big unhappy family.

In this case, you can’t spare them the pain of adjusting to divorce or the fact that each parent now has a new partner, so don’t bury yourself in guilt, treat dating as a sin, and give the kids a power over you and your ex that will eventually make them guilty; one big unhappy family, two unhappy homes.

The good news is that, now that you’re divorced from your ex, you don’t have to share the same wrong values and make the same mistake together.

Before accepting the notion that kids should never have the possibility of seeing a parent in bed with anyone outside the holy bonds etc., ask yourself what makes it right or wrong to introduce a partner to your kids (eventually), and when is it right to tell your ex what to do about this issue (never).

On the first point, factor in your confidence in the partner’s capacity to make a long-term commitment, contribute to the family’s resources, and respond to intense emotions without over-reacting. Once you find a serious prospect, the best way to find out whether they have what it takes and can stand up to the shock of entering a pre-formed family is to welcome them in and do it as positively as possible.

Of course, you should spare the kids unnecessary pain, but the possibility of gaining a step-father for the family justifies some risk-taking, and there’s no point in feeling guilty if you’ve made the decision thoughtfully and for good reasons.

As to the question of telling your ex what to do, well, don’t. You can share your criteria, sure, but you’re not going to change your ex, and conflict usually causes more harm than good. If you were that good at negotiation things as a couple, you probably wouldn’t be divorced at this point.

If he exposes the kids to danger or unnecessary hurt, you may gather information that will invite court supervision. If you push him before there’s any obvious danger, however, you’ll look like a jealous ex who can’t let go.

Instead of worrying about and blaming each other for traumatizing the kids, drop the guilt, and get used to be one big family, period, with possible happiness on the horizon.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to remind the kids that their parents are divorced and there’s a new partner in my bed; but the best way to help them adjust is to be positive and assertive about welcoming my (well-vetted) friend into our family. They may have negative feelings, just as I have my fears. What I need to share, however, is my belief that the new partnership will improve our lives.”

My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.

If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.

Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.

When you talk to your daughter, prepare a message that is positive and hopeful. If it’s a good message, you’ll wind up believing it yourself, because it will be true.

Every now and then, even when drugging and acting crazy, your daughter will make a good decision about caring for herself. It probably won’t make her feel good or stave off the next disaster, so it will go unnoticed while everyone focuses on what she did wrong to end up in a mess. Be the one to shift the focus to the diamond and away from the surrounding sewer.

If the decision didn’t lead to anything good, remind her that she’s up against a bad, unfair illness that can steal happiness and success whenever it wants. That’s life, but it’s not her. She’s the person who did something good, and you’re proud of her.

Don’t worry about letting her off the hook; bipolar illness is the hook, it’s unforgiving, and it won’t let her be spoiled. Whenever she does something constructive about it or endures another setback and picks herself up, lead another cheer. When things go bad and you want to panic, take a deep breath and head out for a haircut.

STATEMENT:
“You’ve endured several tough bouts of depression and your illness will always make it very hard to stop drinking; but you’re still here and you’re trying, and that’s what counts. I don’t know why you’ve had to endure so much bad luck so early in life, but I’m impressed with who you are and all the good things you will offer the world once you learn how to protect yourself from the symptoms.”

I’ve been a reasonably good husband and father, but my wife is much younger than I, and that’s always been the cause of some friction, which has gotten worse now that our marriage is approaching the 10 year mark. For the past couple of years I’ve had the feeling that she finds me and our sex life boring, and recently she told me in no uncertain terms me she feels trapped, wants more excitement in her life and our sex life, and that, unless I change, she wants to be free. I’d like to keep her happy, but given the amount of energy and work she’s asking for, I don’t think I can. My goal is to get her to see that we’ve built a good life together and persuade her to stay.

You want your wife to stay because you love her, but forget about love for a minute and channel your inner Tina Turner; if love has nothing to do with it, or what she said about your faults, then you need to ask yourself whether she can ever be a good partner.

Long ago, before you fell in love, you assumed that any girl who is good partnership material sticks by her partner through thick and thin, because that’s the way she is if she has good character. A good woman may dissolve the partnership because her partner is a jerk, but not because he gets wrinkles, keeps asking you to repeat words so he can hear them, and pees in the middle of the night.

You might make allowances for a girl who married too young or developed a strong calling that pulled her away from marriage. Most of the time, however, if she reacts negatively to her partner’s aging, you suspect that all her friendships will be shallow, unstable, and overly dependent on good times and that no one will ever really be able to depend on her.

You don’t believe you’ve acted like a jerk, and I’m guessing neither does she. She’s not complaining that you’re an overbearing guy who’s squeezing the life out of her personality, or that you’re neglectful, or bad for the kids. She’s just lacking the good character qualities you assumed would be there.

Take a step back then, re-evaluate her as a partner, and don’t accept her back until you’re sure she can offer you a partnership that’s worth having. Don’t let your love and need for love betray what you know about life and good partnerships.

Things will work out well for her and you only if she can accept you the way you are; otherwise, the big wheel keeps on turning, and she better move on.

STATEMENT:
“I know you find me hard to live with. I’d like to believe that I’ve been distracted and neglectful so I could change my behavior and make our marriage work. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, except be myself as a pretty good husband and father. So you need to accept me the way I am, or not. Don’t expect me to change, and don’t expect me to trust you as a wife or friend until you stop discussing my inability to make you feel excited and show me that I’m the guy you want to be with.”

I love my work, my kids, and my wife, but I have bipolar mood swings (and I’ve taken medication for years) that lead me to do things that get me into trouble. Recently, in spite of the medication, I felt a surge of energy and started to stay up late, sneak into my studio and paint. I’ve also started to drink again. I don’t want to change meds or let people know what’s happening because I want to keep my options open. I love the highs and the freedom, and I hate being told what to do, but I’ve got a demanding day job that doesn’t involve painting, and a wife who doesn’t like it, to say the least, when I’m not honest. So my goal is to get myself under control before people catch on to what’s really happening.

There are few fathers and husbands who can’t identify with the goal of wanting to feel special, have time to themselves, and avoid humiliating comments about eating, drinking, toileting or sleeping habits from their next of kin.

The fraction of these fathers who are dealing with mental illness and addiction to alcohol don’t want to be asked if they’ve been taking their medication or started drinking.

So, if your goal is to avoid immediate disrespect and hang on to your secret Van Gogh identity a little longer, then keep doing just what you’re doing.

On the other hand, if you want to avoid the long term chaos of going nuts, listening while your doctors try to find a mental hospital that also does alcohol detoxification and having your wife tell you that you’re not welcome home until you straighten out and maybe not then either…then you’ve got to give up on secrecy and come out of the out-of-control closet.

That’s because it takes a powerful part of your personality to make a good guy risk his health and marriage for the joy of a very, very good but relatively brief mood and paintings that will never reach Sotheby’s. It takes a demon.

Lots of people have demons—they pay my bills—and it’s a waste of time to figure him out instead of looking for ways to manage him better, all of which require you to face and ‘fess up to your (or should I say his) possession.

Sorry, but it’s almost impossible to gain control of a demon without acknowledging that he’s A, there, and B, can’t be extirpated or exorcised (except through lobotomy). That’s because he gains strength from being hidden.

So tell your wife and trusted friends about your problem, share your story with similarly possessed people, discard false shame, and do your best to keep the demon under control.

In recovery, they say you’re only as sick as your secrets; admit your secrets, and you can keep your demon at bay.

STATEMENT:
Here’s what you need to say to yourself (and others). “I’m living a good life, but it isn’t easy. My priorities are to make a living and raise a family, but there’s a part of me that wants to drink and paint and stay up late and enjoy the bipolar highs, and sometimes that part takes control, particularly when I think I’ve beaten him for good. Making my problem public is the best way to strengthen my self-control. I respect my willingness to humiliate myself for a good cause.”

My girlfriend and I keep breaking up without ever really getting together. She’s obviously interested in me, or she wouldn’t keep calling, and I can sense her sincerity. We have a good time together when we get a chance to go out. Whenever we’re at the stage of taking things to a new level, however, like we’ve been talking every day for a couple weeks, she’ll suddenly drop out of contact for a few days and then act like nothing’s happened and I shouldn’t expect her to be that available. A couple times when she dropped out, it was because she couldn’t decide whether to get back together with an old boyfriend. That’s no longer the issue, so I thought we were clear to go, but we can’t seem to take off. I’d like to know if I’m doing something wrong or if there’s a way she could get help.

Don’t trust your feelings to tell you whether someone is really interested. Feelings are easily fooled and love is blind; watch her feet and see what they have to say.

This girl’s feet are doing the cha-cha-cha, one step forward, one back, quick shuffle, one more back, one forward, another shuffle, and repeat. She likes to dance with you, but that doesn’t mean she’ll ever move forward or make you her number one partner.

If you trust your feelings, then you must ask yourself what you’re doing wrong, which keeps you stuck with her and introduces you to doubt, depression, and me. It costs you time and money to stay at the mindfuck disco.

Ask yourself what you’re dancing for. It’s not because you need to dance (though you do), but because you’re looking for a partner, which requires you to know what you’re looking for and keep your feelings out of it until you’re sure you’ve got a likely candidate.

One of the requirements—I know, it’s amazing that I can read your mind, but remember, I went to Harvard—is that someone has a good track record with relationships. No one who does the cha-cha-cha need apply, ever.

Don’t tell me that’s easier said than done. First, I’ll tell you it’s harder if you don’t do it, so you don’t have a choice. Second, given today’s theme, I’ll tell you you’re possessed by a demon who loves attention and wants to dance and you have a hard time keeping him in check.

Your goal is to make a solid, independent choice, regardless of your short-term needs. Cowboy up, be a grown-up and give yourself the benefit of solid, caring protection and a nice, sturdy, one-on-one waltz.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement, in case your demon (or sometime dance partner) asks why you can’t, at least, enjoy a nice, friendly talk. “I don’t think our chemistry is right for what I’m looking for, though we certainly have a good connection. Spending time with one another right now doesn’t take either one of us in the right direction.”

I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.

Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.

Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.

Social butterflies are often very interesting people. Friendship is their art, and it can be fun being married to one. You meet lots of people who would otherwise have never entered your life, get lots of interesting invitations, and actually expand your circle of friends.

Decide from the beginning, however, whether you like most of the people and social adventures that she connects with, or not. Of course, you also need to know whether your girlfriend keeps her priorities, and boyfriends, straight.

Unless you’re Virginia Woolf’s remarkably tolerant husband, Leonard, you don’t want her sleeping around. So check out her track record for commitment, availability, financial responsibility, and the rest of the basic partnership job description.

Also, check out your own track record for sharing your significant other with the world. Regardless of how fascinating she is and how easy-going you’d like to be, you may not be good at sharing. Don’t fall for her and then try to change her, especially since she’s going to be spending her time trying to change you.

Don’t be distracted by the social thing, love, jealousy, or any of that feelings slurry. If her references don’t check out with your basic job description for a partner, drop her or you’ll be sorry. This isn’t emotional, this is math. Even if the facts are crunched in your favor, be prepared to share, or move on.

STATEMENT:
Assuming that she meets your partnership criteria and that you like most of her friends and exes, and their exes, etc, here’s a statement to help you address your joint social priorities. “I need to know that you’re committed to our spending time alone and with my (much smaller) social and family circle, and that parenting comes first, if we decide to have kids. I retain the right to opt out of some social events. Otherwise, I enjoy your style and look forward to sharing in your rich social life.”

I love my wife, and I have since we met in college. She’s also been very devoted to me, supporting my fledgling career as an artist and even taking a part-time job as my manager (on top of her full-time job, which supports us both). The problem is that, as much as I love her and as much as I’ve tried to ignore my feelings for other men, I’m pretty sure I’m actually gay. To admit that I’m gay would mean divorcing her, which would not only break her heart when all she’s ever done is sacrifice everything for me, but throw every aspect of my life, personally and professionally, into chaos. I don’t want to hurt her or lose her, and, well, I don’t want to go on welfare. My goal is to be true to both of us.

When you identify as gay, it’s not clear whether you mean the identity, or the actual sex act. “I’ve got to be myself” means, yes, you’ve got to be who you are, but no, you don’t have to have sex, unless you want to.

In other words, if having sex is not more important to you than holding onto a relationship that is otherwise meaningful and important, you don’t have to do it. It’s really that simple. You can be gay, and proud, and also proud of not having sex except when you want to, and not hurting someone you care about.

Now that you know you can control your sexual urges, you’re ready to be a priest, or a not-so-young husband (or wife) whose partner can’t respond. It’s part of being a grown-up. One of the extremely un-fun parts, but a part nonetheless.

If you stick with your wife because she’s a good provider, supporter, and business manager, your relationship sounds somewhat one-way, and that’s not good for either one of you.

You need to love as well as be loved, and know that you can love. Otherwise, your secret identify will not be that you’re gay, but that you’re a user. There’s a reason users don’t get pride parades.

On the other hand, if your wife and you are good friends and have built a life together with shared family and invested energy that would be destroyed by breaking up, then you’ve got to ask yourself whether gay love, sex, lifestyle, etc., are worth more.

Putting sex aside, ask yourself how much of you you’re hiding by hiding this part of your identity from your wife. Most coupled people need to self-edit—not hide, just edit—even with their closest relationships (particularly with their closest relationships).

You don’t want to push your partner to hear and respond to what they don’t really want to deal with. On the other hand, if being gay is part of your everyday thoughts, feelings, and humor, then hiding it makes your relationship false, and does a disservice to her as well as keeping you from being who you really are.

In which case, you need to share your secret identity (without, hopefully, the complications of sexual infidelity) and see whether she can accept you while you try to figure out whether the new relationship will work.

You’ll be gay in theory, just not in practice, which’ll have to be enough if you also want to stay married.

STATEMENT:
If you happen to choose this option, here’s a statement. “I think I’m gay and need to be more open about that side of my personality. No, I don’t think I need to have gay sex or a gay lover, at least not yet. What I do need is to be more open about my real thoughts and feelings. I don’t fault myself for not having told you earlier, because I didn’t know myself. Meanwhile, if you’re willing, I’d like us to continue as partners and see if this can work.”

Last fall, I started hooking up with a girl who’s been a friend of mine since freshman year. It wasn’t anything serious, just your average friends with benefits deal, and neither one of us ever talked about her being my girlfriend or anything “real.” What I never knew before though is that this girl gets really depressed, and when she got really sick this winter, I was there for her because that’s what I’d do for any friend, whether we’re hooking up or not. She’s better now, but I’m kind of confused as to what’s happening between us. Sometimes I think I want to be her boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her, and I don’t think she wants that from me, and at this point everything’s just really awkward and weird. I just want to know where we stand, or what I should do.

People often choose to be “friends with benefits” (FWB) because it seems easier than committing to a relationship, but don’t be so sure.

Having a FWB is like playing a fretless guitar that seems to offer musical freedom, but is actually more likely to produce noise unless you really know what you’re doing. In other words, don’t attempt a FWB situation unless you’ve learned what the rules are and can stick with them. It’s not for those who haven’t mastered their instrument.

You need that toughness and discipline so you don’t cross the line between friend and more-than-friend, which means being direct about your intentions (honorably limited) and vigilant about the many ways your actions can unwittingly contradict your words (by calling or sharing or sighing or talking too much).

Regardless of the actual ups and downs of how you feel, your words and actions should convey an unambiguous, consistent message. Otherwise, love or neediness may escape and create a situation you and/or your partner are not ready for.

Toughness is also necessary to determine whether your prospective sex-buddy has what it takes to stay within agreed-upon boundaries. Some agreeable friends really want something more and will be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

This may sound like some pretty rigid guidelines for what should be a care-free relationship—I ordered the sex, hold the commitment!—but at least when you’re a boyfriend or girlfriend, you know where you stand thanks to some fairly universal relationship guidelines. Being a FWB is living a gray zone unless you draw your own line in the sand.

In your situation, charity made you cross that line and become your FWB’s depression counselor. Good for you as a friend, bad for you as a recipient of benefits, because now, no one knows what to expect.

If you did it because you really, really liked her, then you would want to upgrade, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Don’t over think your feelings about her, because when most people are interested in someone romantically, they know pretty fast.

If one of you not being single is what kept you apart when you first met, getting together now makes sense, but if the spark just wasn’t there, then that’s why you aren’t together. As such, the reason you hooked up has more to do with loneliness than a unique connection, and might be worth leaving at that.

If you decide that you truly do want to go for a love upgrade, be sure your erstwhile non-exactly-lover is a solid person who would make a good partner, and that the benefit of a successful upgrade outweighs the loss of what you’ve already got. After all, once you jump from friends to boy/girlfriends, downgrading back to friends can be tricky, if not impossible.

Check out whether he/she is steady in other relationships and not too needy, sensitive, or vulnerable to runaway feelings. Remember, Glenn Close’s character in “Fatal Attraction” promised an attachment-free fuck and was probably sincere (in her own nutty way).

It’s your responsibility to make sure things are what they seem. Then figure out whether you want to make beautiful music together, or whether you’re just not ready to jam.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a Mission Statement to share with your friend. “I think we’re good at being friends, with or without benefits, but I know I’m not ready to go further because I don’t think the chemistry is quite right. I hope our friendship helped you during the winter when you were depressed. It left me feeling good about our friendship and with the same overall impression that that’s what our relationship is meant to be.”

Like a lot of single women in their 30s, I’ve gotten into internet dating, but I’m not very good at it, because I really don’t want to be mean to anyone, and I don’t think it’s fair to make up your mind about someone when you don’t really know them. I mean, sure, I have a physical type, but what I’m talking about is that I don’t want to brush off some poor guy after one cup of coffee just because he’s not my dream guy right off the bat, know what I mean? And I don’t think you can really learn that much about somebody based on a few emails, so basically I end up going on a bunch of dates that often aren’t that much fun or, if they are, I don’t get a call-back and wind up ruminating for a week about what went wrong. My goal is to figure out how to make online dating work.

Online dating doesn’t work unless you’re tough and disciplined (see case above). That’s because getting attached to someone who can’t return your feelings will wear you out and make you feel like an unattractive loser. It’s the way we’re wired (pardon the pun).

If your priority is to make everyone feel valued, send them some of Oprah’s favorite things. If you want to take advantage of the wide reach of online dating, which will expose you to large amounts of raw suiterage and toxic jerks, learn how to become an efficient and effective screener.

First, decide for yourself whether it’s moral to reject people, especially if it seems to cause them pain. In my opinion, it’s immoral not to reject people (assuming you do it politely and respectfully). Better to be tactfully honest than grudgingly lie.

If you don’t just rip off the Band-Aid, you’re leading them on and assuming responsibility for their feelings, making yourself vulnerable to manipulation and guilt, and/or promising what you can’t really deliver.

Sure, you may feel guilty if someone looks pained by your decision not to continue contact, but that’s just a passing feeling. Know the difference between guilty feelings and real guilt and learn how to ignore the former.

Of course, if you’re too sensitive to pain, either theirs or yours, you’re not ready to go hunting in love’s wild e-yonder, because hunting usually requires a willingness to tolerate pain. Your goal isn’t to avoid pain (or cause pain), but to minimize it, learn from it, and not let it interfere with an effective search.

If you’ve decided it’s OK not to run a ministry for the horny and needy and that guilty feelings can be ignored, then you’re ready to learn the principles of wide-reach screening and discover that you probably know them already.

Begin by listing the 5 or 6 criteria for excluding candidates, regardless of attractiveness. They include drug-use, poor money management, unreliability, a history of backing away from reasonable relationships, an inability to say no to horrible relatives, and a lack of interest in the kind of future that you want.

Then, while you’re chatting and searching for interpersonal chemistry, keep your list in mind and say good-bye whenever a red flag pops up. Time is short, screening is tiring, and the hunt is on.

STATEMENT:
Use your criteria to prepare a statement. “I’m interested in a reliable, hard-working, loyal grownup who can manage his/her money responsibly and is looking for a committed partner to share (name your future). I’m not in need of friendship or sex and I don’t have much time to chat, but I’ll get back to you if you’re interested and seem to be a possible match. ”