I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.

Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.

Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.

Social butterflies are often very interesting people. Friendship is their art, and it can be fun being married to one. You meet lots of people who would otherwise have never entered your life, get lots of interesting invitations, and actually expand your circle of friends.

Decide from the beginning, however, whether you like most of the people and social adventures that she connects with, or not. Of course, you also need to know whether your girlfriend keeps her priorities, and boyfriends, straight.

Unless you’re Virginia Woolf’s remarkably tolerant husband, Leonard, you don’t want her sleeping around. So check out her track record for commitment, availability, financial responsibility, and the rest of the basic partnership job description.

Also, check out your own track record for sharing your significant other with the world. Regardless of how fascinating she is and how easy-going you’d like to be, you may not be good at sharing. Don’t fall for her and then try to change her, especially since she’s going to be spending her time trying to change you.

Don’t be distracted by the social thing, love, jealousy, or any of that feelings slurry. If her references don’t check out with your basic job description for a partner, drop her or you’ll be sorry. This isn’t emotional, this is math. Even if the facts are crunched in your favor, be prepared to share, or move on.

STATEMENT:
Assuming that she meets your partnership criteria and that you like most of her friends and exes, and their exes, etc, here’s a statement to help you address your joint social priorities. “I need to know that you’re committed to our spending time alone and with my (much smaller) social and family circle, and that parenting comes first, if we decide to have kids. I retain the right to opt out of some social events. Otherwise, I enjoy your style and look forward to sharing in your rich social life.”

I love my wife, and I have since we met in college. She’s also been very devoted to me, supporting my fledgling career as an artist and even taking a part-time job as my manager (on top of her full-time job, which supports us both). The problem is that, as much as I love her and as much as I’ve tried to ignore my feelings for other men, I’m pretty sure I’m actually gay. To admit that I’m gay would mean divorcing her, which would not only break her heart when all she’s ever done is sacrifice everything for me, but throw every aspect of my life, personally and professionally, into chaos. I don’t want to hurt her or lose her, and, well, I don’t want to go on welfare. My goal is to be true to both of us.

When you identify as gay, it’s not clear whether you mean the identity, or the actual sex act. “I’ve got to be myself” means, yes, you’ve got to be who you are, but no, you don’t have to have sex, unless you want to.

In other words, if having sex is not more important to you than holding onto a relationship that is otherwise meaningful and important, you don’t have to do it. It’s really that simple. You can be gay, and proud, and also proud of not having sex except when you want to, and not hurting someone you care about.

Now that you know you can control your sexual urges, you’re ready to be a priest, or a not-so-young husband (or wife) whose partner can’t respond. It’s part of being a grown-up. One of the extremely un-fun parts, but a part nonetheless.

If you stick with your wife because she’s a good provider, supporter, and business manager, your relationship sounds somewhat one-way, and that’s not good for either one of you.

You need to love as well as be loved, and know that you can love. Otherwise, your secret identify will not be that you’re gay, but that you’re a user. There’s a reason users don’t get pride parades.

On the other hand, if your wife and you are good friends and have built a life together with shared family and invested energy that would be destroyed by breaking up, then you’ve got to ask yourself whether gay love, sex, lifestyle, etc., are worth more.

Putting sex aside, ask yourself how much of you you’re hiding by hiding this part of your identity from your wife. Most coupled people need to self-edit—not hide, just edit—even with their closest relationships (particularly with their closest relationships).

You don’t want to push your partner to hear and respond to what they don’t really want to deal with. On the other hand, if being gay is part of your everyday thoughts, feelings, and humor, then hiding it makes your relationship false, and does a disservice to her as well as keeping you from being who you really are.

In which case, you need to share your secret identity (without, hopefully, the complications of sexual infidelity) and see whether she can accept you while you try to figure out whether the new relationship will work.

You’ll be gay in theory, just not in practice, which’ll have to be enough if you also want to stay married.

STATEMENT:
If you happen to choose this option, here’s a statement. “I think I’m gay and need to be more open about that side of my personality. No, I don’t think I need to have gay sex or a gay lover, at least not yet. What I do need is to be more open about my real thoughts and feelings. I don’t fault myself for not having told you earlier, because I didn’t know myself. Meanwhile, if you’re willing, I’d like us to continue as partners and see if this can work.”

My mother has always been quick to take offense—hear things the wrong way, feel easily hurt, want an apology—and I’ve always been the one to smooth things out and reassure her and, if necessary, tell her I’m sorry. Recently, she got really angry when she heard me talking to a family friend at a party and thought that I was being critical and complaining about her. I told her that was absurd, I didn’t mean things that way and that the family friend didn’t hear it that way. Besides, it’s not the sort of thing I’d say about anyone. But my mom acted like I didn’t realize how mean I’d been. So I spoke to the family friend, who agreed with me, and I asked her to talk to my mom and let her know she hadn’t heard any criticism either, but my mom says she’s just trying to smooth things over. I know this is just how my mom is, but that doesn’t mean that it ever stops making me crazy, and everything about this latest stunt is totally unreasonable. My goal is to get her to see she’s being a nut and get over it.

Freud famously put a lot of emphasis on mothers, and most people assume that “tell me about your mother?” is the first question a psychiatrist asks a patient. My response to that, however, is that I don’t really care about your mother. And even if your mother was my patient, I wouldn’t be able to make her “better.”

You think, if only you could get your mom to stop being a nut, your problems would be over. And hey, if only I could find a way of turning dog turds into solid gold, I’d never have to work again. Alas, turds are turds, and your dreams haven’t come true for many years. Assume they won’t come true now.

That said, it’s time to consider what it means to you to have a mother who periodically threatens to, essentially, break up with you. At least, let’s assume, for the sake of our discussion, that it’s that bad, and that her injury and mistrust are so deep that she and you believe the relationship will go into the deep freeze if you can’t get her to see the light.

Ask yourself, what’s the best thing a person can do when they’re threatened with the loss of that much love. Your wish, of course, is to patch things up if you can—it’s painful to be orphaned—but trying too hard to hang onto anyone whose demons periodically require you to jump through hoops isn’t good for you. It tends to stunt your growth, put you on the defensive, and make you a slave to fear.

I know, it’s no fun to be a motherless child, but the opposite, in extreme cases, is to become a victim of abuse, and that’s far worse. Be aware then that you may be walking a fine line between two lousy alternatives, and the one that grabs your feelings the most, easing your mother’s hurt so you can avoid losing her love, may be worse in the long run.

So your goal isn’t to make her better and smooth out your relationship; no amount of groveling and witness testimony is going to make things right, so give it a rest.

Your goal is to make things better to the extent your power allows, and do so without accepting a relationship dominated by fear. If fear remains the status quo, your goal is to build a wall and bear the pain. Don’t avoid future social events, but don’t let your next celebration be a pity party.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that balances your desire for a good relationship with your responsibility to protect yourself from abuse. “I care about you, hate to see you upset, and would never want to say anything to hurt you. I’ve examined what I said and asked others to provide me with their impressions. In the end, I’m confident I was not trying to hurt you and that you can be assured that your negative impression of my words is not true. I hope we can put this behind us now. It’s never good to dwell on these things after we’ve done our best to deal with them. “

In the past few years, I’ve become pretty close with my sister’s husband (we play basketball together sometimes or have beers, that kind of close). Anyway, I like the guy, but I’m 99% sure he’s cheating on my sister, don’t ask me how. I could easily be 100% sure, but then I’d have to tell my sister, wouldn’t I? Or would I have to talk to him about it and see if I can get him to stop, or make him admit everything to my sister himself? Because right now, the two of them seem really happy together, and they have two great kids, and I don’t want a divorce to fuck all that up. My goal is to do right by my family.

This is the sort of soap-opera situation where your protective feelings for your sister and her kids might well push you to confront her husband, but ask yourself what good that would do. Because, unlike what you see on TV, you do not have the luxury of cutting to commercial after the big reveal.

Sure, it will relieve the pressure of your angry feelings for a few minutes, that’s true; but you know what we think of feelings, and this is a good case in point. A confrontation will focus on what’s most negative about his behavior and make it harder for everyone, particularly him and your sister, to consider what is best for them.

The plot goes like this: you’ll label him a betrayer, he’ll find fault with your sister, they’ll both feel like shit and find shit in their relationship, and their ability to remember what’s good about their relationship and what they might want to salvage will get lost.

If you really want to be a good friend to your sister or her husband, be a friend of their marriage. If possible, remember what you like about him and, if the opportunity comes along, let him know that you know that marriage can be tough, but that having affairs usually does more harm than good.

If anything, your problem is a perfect example of my old adage that bottling up feelings never hurt anyone, but unbottling them has caused a world of pain. If you keep your mouth shut (except for the aforementioned occasional advice), you give yourself a chance to think, choose your opportunity, and say something constructive.

If you become a warrior for justice and gain relief by getting everything out in the open, you will probably bring out the worst in everyone, and maybe get yourself a black eye. So put this melodramatic subplot on hold and suck up the pain.

STATEMENT:
Draft a statement that expresses support for your sister and brother-in-law while avoiding anger and blame (regardless of how you really feel). “I care about you and your marriage and believe you’ve done a very good job and are good people. Under pressure, people sometimes do things that cause more harm than good. I’m not interested in who’s to blame. I want you both to do what’s best for you and your family. Don’t burn your bridges, cause pain, and compromise your integrity. Take your time and, if you want to end your marriage, do it right.