I hate life. What is the most reliable and painless way to commit suicide?

You hate life, and I hate the kind of dangerous, self-lacerating whining that makes a painful life seem meaningless, when it isn’t.

Hating life is an understandable feeling, whether the problem is a hateful life or your own, reflexive intolerance of life’s general hatefulness. There’s no doubt that life is sometimes hateful, some people’s lives are more hateful than most, and some good people are more sensitive to its hatefulness.

There’s more than enough hate to go around, and you can’t help how you feel.

Any time you let hateful feelings shape your goals, however, you’ll make life more hateful (after a brief burst of genuine satisfaction) and destroy what’s left of your self-esteem.

Yes, taking your hate out on yourself may give you the satisfaction of protesting life’s unfairness and heaping guilt and contempt on your so-called friends. What it also does, if you think about it or survive to see what happens next, is define your life as a reaction to your hurts and the people you value least. It both fuels and destroys, hateful little fucker that it is.

What you really want (and what your survivors will try to do) is to remember the times you did better things and followed your own values. It’s not as exhilarating as being a nihilist, but exhilaration is, by its nature, short-lived. You shouldn’t be.

During its short run, hate is a lot more attractive and satisfying than reminding yourself about what you stand for and thinking about values and consequences. That’s why you need to work on building a philosophy and preparing for hate before it arrives, instead of boarding the hate train and then finding the will to get off.

You can do that by going to the right church or temple (one that doesn’t waste too much time on holy this or ecstatic that), hanging out or reading about people who’ve made the same journey, or getting the right kind of therapy. DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy), which borrows heavily from Jewish, Christian, Buddhist and 12-step ideas about living with anger, can be particularly helpful.

Therapy or no, you can find ways to keep your hate (and my hate for your hate) under control.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement for taking pride in good hate management. “I know what it’s like to hate life, but I won’t let myself forget what I value about life and my own ability to make it better. I can’t escape hate; but I will make myself strong enough to protect myself from its destructiveness and use its energy for my own goals.”

I feel like it’s finally time to confront a serious problem I’ve had for years; when I drive, I become filled with rage. My mother was the same way, and it was scary. She was never violent and neither am I, but the amount of anger I feel can’t be healthy, and I don’t want my daughter to do the same thing. I want to feel less furious.

I hope you’re not expecting therapy, a pill, or some Tibetan meditative experience to take away your anger, because it probably won’t.

Whatever causes anger—mommy’s genes, bullying by your older brother, or one rotation too many around a Boston-style rotary—it’s usually yours for life by the time you’re old enough to write me a letter.

Sure, psychotherapy may help, but my rule of therapy thumb is, if it hasn’t helped in a few months, move on. Therapy just isn’t that powerful (not even in my Harvard hands), and sticking with it when you’ve got anger to control delays your acceptance of the red-hazed reality you need to start managing.

What I’m really advocating isn’t to give up on therapy, but to give up on the idea that it will make you feel better by taking your anger away. Instead, use therapy (like DBT, see above) to help you manage anger.

I know you’ve probably seen kung fu monks master their anger by thinking pacifist thoughts while smashing bricks, and maybe you think channeling your rage into big muscles and loud thuds will improve your control while intimidating your tormentors into not cutting you off you in the first place.

Wrong, young grasshopper. The only reason martial monks don’t get sued for everything they own by everyone they lay a finger on is that they’re monks and own nothing. For the rest of us, the slightest adult physical altercation, combined with martial training, is as bad as a car-crash without insurance or witnesses: an endless goldmine for lawyers (and shrinks) at your expense.

So now that you’ve abandoned all hope of ever getting rid of your anger, you’re ready to improve your ability to manage it. Instead of tailgating those who dare offend your road-warrior sensibilities, learn to shut up and back off until you have a chance to think and decide whether a battle is worth fighting (almost never) and, if so, how to do it most effectively (by never appearing angry).

Feeling angry is unhealthy because it raises your blood pressure, but expressing it is even more unhealthy because it causes you endless misery that raises your blood pressure higher for longer.

You can’t control the former, but you can learn to get a handle on the latter (even if you can’t break a brick with your fist).

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement for taking pride in frustrated rage. “I hate the way other drivers ignore the road rules, put my life in danger, and never get punished. Teaching them a lesson would make them think twice about driving like assholes. My goal in driving, however, is to get from one place to another as safely as possible, without being endangered or diverted by people whom I least respect. I’m proud of my ability to eat my anger and never, ever fight.”

My husband always saw himself as the righteous protector of our daughter and, after our divorce, he got into the habit of dragging me into court to force me to pay for some super-costly treatment or schooling that was always no more than a little bit better than what was available for free, but he’d look like a hero to our daughter and the court and the social worker, and I’d look like a miserly shit, and I’d complain bitterly, which just got everyone more on his side, and I was screwed. My daughter bought the bullshit, which meant she and her father shared a tight bond based on hating me, the Scrooge. But I thought the court assaults would stop when she turned 18, until yesterday, when I learned he’s suing me, once again, this time to pay for our daughter’s college tuition, even though she never asked me, she’s over 18, and, with her history of alcohol abuse (and no attempt to get sober), paying for her to go to college without going to rehab first is a waste of money. I think they’re both just scraping the barrel for reasons to drag me into court and I’m getting flashbacks about being raped by the judge. I don’t have any illusion about all of us getting along, but I think it’s fair to want this craziness to stop.

Like it or not, it’s your ex’s legal right to haul you into court at his whim, force you to hire a lawyer, and make you look like a creep. As a reward, you get to give him a good chunk of your savings to pay for something you don’t believe in, to someone who’s out to ruin your life.

Say what you will about justice, but most of the time, it isn’t very fair.

There’s no way you can avoid feeling helpless and outraged, and there’s no shower long or hot enough to make the violated feeling walk away. If, however, your goal is to stop this from happening again by repeatedly venting your outrage, you’ll actually make it worse.

You’ve described the process well; when you’re angry, you look like a monster, not a victim. Your ex has got the knack for pushing your buttons down so well, you shouldn’t be surprised that he treats you like an ATM.

Instead of fighting back again and again then, accept the fact that he’s got you nailed, and shut up. (If you don’t like being told that, remember, I’m not the one who told you to marry him.)

Don’t mistake a Jerry Springer shouting match as the best way to stand up to someone. Remember, no matter how cleansing the venting is on Springer, nobody walked away from that show without looking like an asshole. If you can get yourself to shut up and keep your rage to yourself, you can start to work on a more effective defense. You’ve collected lots of good facts and they can speak for themselves…if you don’t drown them out with your feelings.

Put the facts together, forget your ex-husband’s allegations, and respond to the issues like a caring parent. Then sit back, shut up and be patient. Initially, people will believe him because he believes himself, but if the facts don’t check out, they’ll come around to your point of view.

Don’t pursue your daughter or the Tag Team of Educational Virtue will punish you with her silence. Make it clear that you care by taking your parental responsibilities seriously and articulating that it would be better for her to cultivate her own relationship with you. Beyond that, however, you can only respect her choice, and hope those facts, not blustery emotions, lead her to the light.

The legal process isn’t very fair, but as we often point out on this site, not much is, so it’s better to keep your mouth shut. If you don’t want to remain tied up in the courts forever, stay quiet until your ex has enough rope to hang himself.

STATEMENT:
Put your response in writing and edit out your rage. For example: “You and I both want our daughter to get a good education and I am more than willing to help financially if it looks like she is ready. I wish I knew how she’s been doing for the past 6 months, but I can’t say because she hasn’t kept in touch. Before that, as you know, she had several drug-related legal problems and hasn’t finished a course. As much as I share your desire to help, I don’t have any reason, as yet, to believe that she could make use of college. Asking the court to mandate me to pay her tuition does her a disservice and wastes a large portion of my remaining resources in legal fees. I would advise her to get sober first, get some work habits going, take a course or two, and then she’d have a better chance of success. Talking to me herself would also give her an opportunity to let me know what she’s accomplished and benefit from my input.”

I don’t think she beats him up, but my son can’t seem to stand up to his crazy wife, no matter what she does. She gets furious with him over nothing and then anything goes. She’s thrown away his model airplane collection, screamed at him in front of friends, and locked him out of the house. The grandkids are always nervous. She always has to have the last word and insists that he apologize for things he hasn’t done. I wish he could stand up for himself and let her know that she’s got to stop. She wouldn’t act like this if he were stronger. All he does is keep quiet, look sad, and try to make her happy, which allows her to act like a jerk. My goal is to protect him or teach him how to stand up for himself.

If standing up to someone means out-intimidating them, it’s seldom a good goal, particularly when you’re up against someone who seems to believe they’re as infallible as the Pope.

Go toe to toe with her holiness and you’ll get a slugfest that not only scares the kids, but draws police like flies. It’s tempting to believe that toughness will carry the day and straighten out the bad guys, but that’s only in the movies. Everyone wants it to happen, which is why you can sell tickets, because nobody ever sees it off the screen.

On the other hand, you don’t want your son to feel responsible for the anger and unhappiness of his crazy wife. It’s nice that he’s caring and nurturing, but this is the evil flip side of being overly-sensitive.

If you push him to confront her, he’ll feel more responsible for her feelings and you’ll quickly see his backside (as I’m sure you’ve already discovered); you’re actually making him more responsible for her feelings by suggesting that he could get her to act better if he was firmer.

He thinks he’s upset her, you think he hasn’t upset her enough, and you’re both making him responsible for her. The Pope/wife remains without fault. Holy shitstorm.

A better goal is to help your son develop a better boundary, and this doesn’t require confrontation or hostility. By a boundary, I mean not allowing an excessive feeling of responsibility for his wife’s unhappiness to get in the way of his doing what he thinks is right.

He wouldn’t fight back, he just wouldn’t take such a hard hit every time she attacks. Then eventually, please Jesus, he’d also ask for a divorce.

STATEMENT:
Show him how he can reject blame without attacking her. “I think we’ve got a good thing going and that it would be better if you could manage your anger. I want you to be happy but you’re right, after all is said and done, I don’t necessarily agree with you about what you feel I’ve done wrong. If you yell or try to punish me, it makes things worse. I am who I am. So my idea about how to make the best of things is to back away from confrontation. I’ll always listen to new suggestions but I won’t stay in the room with yelling or physical intimidation.”

I’m fine now (I’m 14), but I’m trying to figure out how to deal with a crazy father who physically abused me until a couple of years ago—that’s when my mother finally figured out what was happening and had me come live with her. The trouble is, I guess you could say my father doesn’t see reality the way other people do and he never remembers hitting me. In his mind, when he’d hit me, it was because I was trying to destroy him, so what he tells the judge is that he loves me and that my mother is a raging alcoholic who has brainwashed me to hate him (my mother stopped drinking after the divorce, years ago) and he really believes what he says. My goal is to get him to stay away from me and convince others that his version of reality isn’t real.

Kids aren’t the only ones who have trouble accepting the fact that we often can’t protect ourselves from scary crazy boogeymen, particularly when the craziness isn’t obvious, and the boogeymen are family.

We’ve said it here before: certain crazy people are not obviously crazy and are particularly good at persuading other people to see them as injured victims because they truly, truly believe they are, no matter what really happened. It’s a kind of sickness for which no one has the cure, and nobody feels sicker than the victims in the wake of these sickos, who don’t necessarily feel sick at all.

So cops, judges and social workers often can’t figure out who is telling the truth for a long time. Meanwhile, they often make mistakes and put restrictions on kids and families that hurt everyone and cost more money than the family can afford. It’s a sad fact of life, but they’re trying to do the right thing.

The system usually works to try and protect the weakest party, and when you’re aggressive, even if you’re just aggressively trying to get people to see the truth, you make sickos look that much more weak and innocent. It’s unfair, but pushing hard to express the truth will often push it underground.

So Dr. Lastname’s advice for kids is the same as for adults: don’t think that expressing your emotions sincerely and eloquently will solve the problem. If your father is sincere and has a good lawyer, he’ll persuade the judge that you have, possibly, been brainwashed by your mom, and they’ll treat you like a poor, emotional kid who deserves pity but doesn’t really know his own mind. Then everyone will spend lots of time visiting shrinks. Thanks for the business, but no thanks for the bullshit.

First things first, give up on the goal of convincing others, and try instead to make positive sense of this experience and prepare a statement that you could, if necessary, read to your father.

The less anger and fear you put in your statement, the more it will help others get at the truth. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have negative feelings—of course, they are what they are—but the goal of your statement is to keep out the negative feelings without in any way holding back on the facts of what really happened.

You might not make his sickness go away or get people to see the truth, but being clear, honest, and emotionless is the best protection against the boogeyman.

STATEMENT:
Here’s an example. “I think it’s a bad idea for us to spend time together. I know you care about me and want to see me, but I think you forget about the bad things that happen when you get upset and lose your temper. You forget about (put in details, including bruises and dates). I don’t want to hurt you and I want you to be happy but I don’t think we should spend time together until I’m old enough to protect myself from your temper. Sincerely.

I’d like to get help for my wife’s younger sister because she drives the family crazy. Simply put, she’s a lying drug-addict, and my wife’s parents are always trying to help her in a way that ruins things for the rest of us—they give her money, pressure my wife and me to accept her at family events, and then make us feel guilty if we don’t want to see her. She’s totally poisonous as she is, but I know she can’t help herself, and I’d like to get her real help, not just hand-outs and pretending everything’s OK, so we don’t have to continue like this.

Your goal is just as bad as your wife’s parents’ goal, because you’re both assuming that your sister-in-law can be helped when all the evidence points the other way. They’re throwing their money away at her directly, you’d be throwing your money away at “real help” she isn’t ready for. It’s a lose/lose.

Really, everyone wishes your sister-in-law could be helped, but proceeding on that assumption when it’s not true is a good way to make things worse, and that’s exactly what you’re complaining about.

The sad fact is, treatment is often hopeless. You know that’s true for lots of medical problems, from cancer to Crohn’s disease, so why not accept the fact that it’s equally true for everything else.

Instead, stick with the realistic hope that she’ll change someday, and that you (and others) will have an opportunity to help. It might happen, but it’s not something that you can make happen or are responsible for.

In the meantime, don’t blame her, because there’s a good chance she has as little control over the problem as you do, even though it’s her body and her problem. Blame life, it sucks more reliably than anyone or anything else.

Now that you’ve listened to me and given up on your goal of getting help for your sister-in-law, realistic thinking suggests some positive things for you to do. Since you’re not responsible for saving your sister-in-law or protecting your parents-in-law, you can bow out of family events you don’t really want to go to.

Ignore feelings of guilt or responsibility. You’d help if you could, but you can’t, and there are other important priorities, like going on with your life and enjoying time with those you love.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that responds to the most guilt-provoking accusations you can imagine. “I’m concerned about my sister-in-law and take full responsibility for helping her whenever possible. One thing I’ve learned, though, from watching her parents do a wonderful job of trying to help her is that, for the time being, it’s just not possible. When it’s not possible, we do more good by distancing ourselves from her problems so as to limit their harm and provide her with more incentive to change. Distancing ourselves from her problems does not mean distancing ourselves from her. The better we protect ourselves, the more welcoming we will be if and when she begins recovery.”

I’ve always gotten some attitude at work because I’m a woman (some people seem to act like that’s the only reason I’ve gotten as far as I have), but recently, due to the economy, I’ve been dealing with a lot more disrespect. Frankly, the opposite should be true, and I should be getting loads of appreciation for doing twice the work I used to after so many lay-offs. Instead, people think that it’s not fair that I get to keep my job, and while the sexist stuff was annoying, this recent turn of events has made things almost unbearable. I’m sick of not being appreciated for my talent and hard work and instead having to deal with everyone’s bullshit and bitterness instead. My goal is to get treated appropriately for a job well done, simple as that.

While appreciation certainly makes the job easier—it makes most things in life easier—it doesn’t cut it as a goal, if only because need for appreciation makes you easy prey to anyone who gives you lots of appreciation, twice as much work, and no more pay. I can’t abide your goal to be a sucker.

Appreciation also makes you reactive to other people’s feelings, instead of to your own reasons for being there, so don’t quit a job because everyone at work is critical, and don’t stay because they tell you you’re marvelous.

Remember what you’re working for: money, not love. Unless you’re a bad prostitute.

So life is hard, you don’t have a trust fund, and you need money for survival, independence, self-reliance, and the support of others who depend on you. If appreciation was your first priority, you’d be a volunteer or superhero.

Your goal then is to make as good a living as you can while conserving enough time and energy for the rest of your life, particularly your other responsibilities. It’s to contribute an honest day’s work and, if possible, do something meaningful, and if the peanut gallery doesn’t like it, fuck ‘em.

If you find yourself in a demeaning, bullshit job that you nevertheless think is necessary and better than anything else you can find, respect yourself for doing it. Do it up to your standards, not theirs.

It’s never easy to ignore torment, but think of the nerdy kid teased by Neanderthals; whether he ignores them or fights back, he’s screwed either way. At least you get a paycheck and far fewer wedgies.

STATEMENT:
If you decide the job is necessary and the pain unavoidable, write yourself a statement to protect yourself from the disrespect that is part of the job’s sewage content. “I have my own good reasons for doing this job, in spite of the shitty way I’m treated. It’s a demeaning way to make a living, but I can’t find anything better, though I’ll keep on looking. So I respect myself for working and I will keep up my standards while looking for alternatives.

Ever since my mother died, I’ve been feeling pretty low, and now my wife says I’ve been really hard to be around and wants me to talk to a professional about my grief (I’m writing you instead). It’s true that my mother and I were very close, and losing her has been very, very hard for me, but I think my wife is overreacting. I’m going through a hard time, sure, and maybe I’ve been a little over-reactive, but this is how grief works, and if she can’t handle it, it seems like her problem, not mine. I’ve got a short fuse now, but this’ll pass sooner than later, and I don’t need a doctor to tell me that. My goal is get my wife to realize that I don’t have a problem.

The question here isn’t whether her bad feelings are an over-reaction to your grief; if that were the question, we’ve have to do instant replays of your conversation, listen to your tone of voice, then do a poll of the audience.

In the end, one of you would feel validated and the other would go looking for a more sympathetic friend. A consolation prize of turtle wax might be involved.

People often see couples therapy for that kind of refereeing and, as I’ve said many times, it’s usually a waste of time. The question here isn’t whether she thinks you’ve been mean, but what you think after you’ve examined the evidence.

Of course, when you’re irritated by her being irritating, it’s even more irritating to be told you need to see a shrink. Then, if you dismiss her feelings, she’ll feel worse while having more reason to believe she’s right, and so it goes, back and forth.

Stop it, shut up, and think. Step back from the irritation, then, and be business-like. Gather your own data, re-examine what you said to her and ask people you trust whether you’ve been nasty or mean lately.

Remember, anger is one of the most common and crippling symptoms of depression, and it can destroy relationships at the time you need them the most, making you more depressed. Depressive anger is yet another example of how frequently nature kicks you when you’re down, and how careful you must be to manage yourself during a time of crisis. If you do what comes naturally, your problems almost always multiply.

If you decide that grief is making you nasty and depressed and is driving people away, then your goal isn’t to find a more understanding wife or become a hermit, but to improve your self control and get back to being a guy you can respect.

You can’t get your mother back, but you could lose your wife if you aren’t careful. By the way, self-control hurts, and in the short run, it hurts far more than venting. But that’s the way it is, because in the long run, it hurts less than losing your wife.

If you can’t get enough self-control, or if you can but it’s hurting too much, therapy can help. Not by making you feel better understood (if that’s what you want, you’re heading for trouble), but by helping you improve your self-control while respecting the fact that it’s hard when you’re hurting. It will also help your marriage, and give you a whole new level of appreciation for advice like ours.

STATEMENT:
Write a statement to un-justify nastiness as an expression of grief and remind yourself of better goals. “It hurts to want comfort more than I’ve ever wanted it before and feel that I can’t get enough from those who are closest to me. But I didn’t choose my wife because she’s the warmest bosom in the world and, even if she is, I’m not sure any amount of comfort would be enough. I’ve got to manage my grief with whatever comfort is there, not expect more, and not act like a jerk. Later on, if I decide I need more comfort, I’ll try to find it without damaging what I’ve got and what I value.”

I’m a landscape designer, and I’ve just spent 6 months living in planning hell with a pretty difficult client. We had different visions from the start, but he insisted I was the man for the job, even though we differed on every decision, every step of the way. And really, I was willing to put up with it if it meant getting to do the grounds (you heard me) on this guy’s country estate, which was an extensive project that would’ve paid a ton and given me the chance to do something spectacular that could gain me a national reputation. Finally, we agreed to some blue prints, which he paid for…right before firing me. Now, I know that he paid for the plans and they’re technically his, but the thing is, I put half a year into putting this project together—and turned down a lot of other work because I thought I’d need the time to make it happen—and if he’s going to screw me over like this, I feel like he deserves to get screwed over right back. He’s called asking for the plans, and I keep making excuses as to why I can’t give them to him, but he keeps pushing, and now I’m stuck. Should I tell him the truth, that he’ll get those plans over my dead body, or should I relent and give him the plans along with a piece of my mind? I know you dismiss the notion of justice, but this is my livelihood, and my goal is to get what’s owed me.

Cases like this are the reason you have ethical rules, so you’ll do what you think is right, regardless of provocations by the egregious assholes who are drawn to be your clients. Lucky for you, you at least acknowledge this is a dilemma, instead of feeling entitled to a landscaper jihad, so there’s hope for you yet.

Look, if you’re in the landscape designing business, most of your clients are richer than you are. Just on a practical level for your quest, that means they can higher bigger lawyers and fund battles that can outlast any puny resources you can haul out of your pockets.

Being rich also brings out the inner asshole, so your profession will naturally attract more of them than a Crane’s white porcelain standard edition. So if you feel that war is your calling, drop this business and go carve out runways and golf courses for a tour at Fallujah.

Plus, rich people tend to travel in packs, and that pack makes much of your possible client pool. Make one of them your enemy, and suddenly you’ll find yourself with a lot of free time on your hands.

Attacking this client might, you guessed it, feel good, but the long term effects, like going to court and/or going out of business, won’t feel so great. Feeling frustrated and screwed will also feel subpar, but again, better to feel screwed than actually be screwed when you’re out of work and professionally radioactive.

But if your goal isn’t to punish assholes but make art out of nature—and I assume that’s why you went into your life of work in the first place—then eating shit is part of the job description. Check your professional ethics to see how much shit you should expect for your portion of the meal.

Probably, your professional society would tell you the following: you have a right to get your client to waive the right to hold you liable for damages that happens as a result of his using your drawings. You have a right to expect him to pay fully for your time in creating the drawings. Then they’re his. Dinner is served.

Next time, don’t be so hungry for the big job, and you won’t wind up dining at la table de merde. You probably knew he liked to dangle people on strings and then cut them loose, but you thought you’d be the exception. Now you’re angry, but wiser nonetheless.

STATEMENT:
Console yourself with a statement. “I like what I created and I learned much from the creative and interpersonal process. And sometimes, doing this job, I will wind up feeling used and humiliated, no matter how careful I am or how big my reputation grows. I’m proud of my ability to absorb the pain and keep on doing my job.”

I’m taking a semester off college this fall, and I’d like to go back for the spring, but the problem is, really, that I can’t stop myself from lying. I’ve always been this way; I know the truth, but I’d rather tell people what I think they want to hear, so before I even know what’s happening, not-the-truth is coming out of my mouth, and it’s stupid, so I always get caught and people are much, much angrier than if I told the truth. I can speak so frankly about this because my mom’s been shuttling me to therapists since I was 10, but nobody’s been able to figure out why I do it or how I can stop it. I got in major trouble last year at school…I don’t want to say how exactly, but of course it involved telling a massive lie, and my school spared me expulsion but I had to agree to take some time off. I’m afraid to go back though if I’m just going to end up getting in trouble again…the older I get, the higher the stakes get, the bigger my problem becomes. My goal, as always, is to control my lying.

The good news is you’re in good company; there are some very nice compulsive liars. The bad news is that you’re not alone because compulsive lying is a common problem which compulsive liars have a hard time overcoming.

For whatever reason, it’s more stigmatized than alcoholism (somewhere between being a junkie and a child abuser) so it’s hard for liars to write about it or seek out one another for support. (Unless you’re from Crete—that’s a classical allusion, from Harvard).

Therapy has probably showed you why you’re a liar, with the usual short list of reasons. You want attention, hate to displease people, need to express inner rebelliousness, want to punish yourself, feel compelled to react to an intrusive mother/distant father/vice versa/whatever. And after learning all that, and talking to a therapist you really liked and trusted…you’re still a compulsive liar who now failed at therapy. Who to blame first, your therapist, your distant father, or yourself. I’m guessing you blame yourself.

Moi, I can’t tell a lie, so it saddens me to inform you that you will probably never control your lying completely. I don’t know why, but that’s the way it is. (That sums up a lot of what I learned at Harvard).

Let’s think, instead, about what you can do about it. You can become a writer (most writing is a kind of lying). Most politicians share your curse and have an instinct to tell people what they want to hear, but, as you’ve experienced, that can get them into big trouble if they’re too talented. Again, you’re not alone, but you probably shouldn’t run for office any time soon.

In the meantime, you can form a Liars Anonymous group of one, and use 12 step ideas to manage the impulse. Look for triggering situations and strategize how to manage them, and always try to keep your mouth shut until you have a chance to think.

Develop polite, ethical formulaic responses to difficult questions that will buy you time. Don’t blame yourself for the problem, just do your best with it. And even if these techniques work, don’t ever tell yourself you’re cured, because, as if I need to tell you, that’s total bullshit. You’ve just got to take it one lie at a time.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to start your day: “I’m a liar and I can’t control it, but I take the problem very seriously because it prevents anyone from trusting me, including me. So I try to accept the shame of being a liar and let people know I’m a liar who tries to fight the lying impulsive every day of my life and, whenever I do that honestly, I’m proud.”

If you have an impossible person in your life, let us know. Especially since, if that person’s truly crazy or an asshole, your friends are probably sick of hearing about it.
—Dr. Lastname

I’ve been living in this house for 20 years, but it wasn’t until last year that my neighbor decided to declare war on me and my family (word is that he used to torture the family in the house on his other side until they moved away). This crazy jerk is trying to push me out of my home by putting trash in my driveway, killing my roses (which he says are too close to his fence, whatever that means), and, when I replant the roses or put the trash in his driveway, calling the police and making false complaints about me!  I call the police on him right back, but he won’t stop, and I’m about to lose it.  Unlike that other family, we are NOT going to move—I’m very involved in neighborhood matters, and I’m not moving my kids—so I need to figure out a way to get this crackpot to stop.  My goal is to teach this nut-job who’s boss and get him to back off.

As much as it’s your job to protect your family, you must also remember that there’s no way to protect anyone from a true nut-job.  A true nut-job is sure you’re out to get him, and every conversation you have, whether reasonable or intimidating, loud or soft, juices up his conviction that you’re at war.  There’s no known treatment.  If he were a crook or selfish, you could appeal to his self-interest, but a true nut-job is like a religious zealot who cares nothing for pain or cost because he’s on a mission from God.  There are people like that, and there’s no way to win.  Knowing now that you can’t teach a lesson to someone who thinks they know the One Truth, that you’re their enemy, you can see how your goal isn’t a reasonable one.

Of course, while you can’t win, you can’t exactly lose, either, because his issue with you isn’t personal.  Whatever the craziness that exists in his brain, it’s already destroyed him as a person, and it’s that craziness that’s attacking the two of you.  The craziness is also a lot more powerful than anything else, especially reason, so retaliation is futile.  Your job is to approach your neighbor as you would an irritable bear:  play dead and hope that the bear eventually loses interest and goes away.

The danger of trying to get this guy to do anything or control him in any way is that it will draw you into further interaction, which will stimulate him and escalate his aggressiveness. Do what you can to slip under his radar, and document aggression when you can without seeming to focus on him.  Politely ignore all aggression unless or until you have an incident that you can use as leverage.  Above all, avoid confrontation.  Your instincts tell you that doing nothing isn’t the way to keep your family safe, but your instincts clearly have never met someone crazy.

STATEMENT:
To reduce your emotional reactiveness to his provocation, and to cope better with feelings of helplessness and humiliation, try preparing a statement about your reasonable responsibilities in this situation.  “My job is to protect my family and my place in this community, and I’ve done what I can with my neighbor, both in direct conversation and legal confrontation, but I’m helpless to do more.  If he does documentable damage, I may someday have an opportunity to persuade the court that he’s dangerous, but until that day, my priority is my family’s safety.  If I decide that I need to move away, so be it.  If I feel helpless and humiliated, my job is to bear those feelings without letting them provoke more conflict.  I respect myself for enduring this burden and leading my family through an impossible situation.”  And for Chrissakes, don’t plant any more roses.

I entered into a business with a partner who came very highly recommended, and for a while, we were  a really great team.  Sure, I found him to be a little pushy and paranoid sometimes as a partner, but in our field, pushy is good and paranoid is realistic, so I just let it go in the name of our shared success.  Now, surprise, the business isn’t doing so well, and I told him I felt it was best to close up shop rather then risk going into debt.  It was a purely economic decision– my dog probably knows that the market is in the shitter right now–  but my partner took it as a personal affront against him and has since become a total nightmare.  Namely, he’s accused me of stealing and badmouthing him to business associates.  I’ve done no such thing, but now he’s suing me and spreading all kinds of rumors that are putting my career at risk.  I purposely sought out a business partner who I didn’t have a serious personal relationship with in order to avoid a situation like this, but now he’s acting as if I’m deeply betraying him, that I’m rallying the world against him, and trying to reason with him only makes it worse.  My goal is to get my former partner to see sense before he ruins both of our careers and makes any work in the future with anyone impossible.

While you think your issue deals exclusively with your former partner, the bigger problem here is that you’ve found yourself coming up against a total asshole.  I don’t use the term “asshole” flippantly–  after many years in this business, it’s become a viable diagnosis.  The main traits of an asshole are the beliefs that s/he is always right, nothing is his/her fault, and for whatever reason, everyone around him/her is always fucking up or trying to ruin his/her life.  In other words, to the true asshole, everyone else is an asshole but them.  Sadly, there is no cure.

Assholes, like crazy people, are virtually impossible to reason with, but there is an important difference between the two;  assholes go after you because they think you’re an asshole, whereas crazy people go after you for reasons they’re not even sure of, but that doesn’t bother them, because they’re crazy.  Especially dangerous is thinking you can reason with an asshole friend-turned-enemy, like your ex-partner.

When things are going well, asshole friends seem like engaging, reliable, reasonable people who are interested in being friends and partners, and are fun to get to know.  What makes them assholes is your discovery, usually late in the game and after a relatively minor conflict, that they’re a lot angrier and more suspicious than you thought, and have cut a swathe of bitterness and alienation through their family and previous close relationships.  (If only people had personal relationship references like they have professional ones.  Oh well, next time, do more homework.)

By then, it’s too late, and trying to mend things usually makes them worse.  “Getting to make them see sense” makes them feel invalidated and will stir a counter-attack.  The big picture, as you see it, is that conflict hurts them as much as you, but if they saw the big picture, they wouldn’t be assholes who have this problem of overwhelming mistrust and anger in the first place, and you wouldn’t need to be consulting me.

No, please stop before you say “But then, how can he be helped?”  He can’t, and it’s time you asked yourself why you’re asking that question, when what you should be asking is, “how can I deal with this asshole and avoid choosing someone like this ever again?”  Fuck your wishes to help, heal, or otherwise control.

You can’t expect to cure him, understand him, intimidate him or reason with him, no matter how much you’d like to.  Your goal is not to get him to see he’s being destructive, but to do your best to manage his destructiveness when insight and reason are impossible.  And, until there’s a “Race of an Asshole cure” or a brown asshole support ribbon, accept that asshole-ism, and assholes, aren’t going away any time soon.

STATEMENT:
A good way to put yourself in the right frame of mind is to prepare a statement that reflects your moral response to his accusations while excluding anger, counter-accusation, and a need for understanding or further conversation.  “We made a good team and I’m sorry I found it necessary to end our partnership.  Your opinion matters to me.  I know you feel I acted badly and I’ve thought over what you said.  We’ll have to agree to disagree and it’s a topic that should now be put aside.  I continue to feel positively about our past work and intend to address any remaining differences with fairness and respect. I wish you well.”