I think my girlfriend is basically committed to me (after 4 years of our having a steady relationship, despite living in different cities). After much backing-and-filling and hemming-and-hawing, she introduced me to her 3 kids and her ex. The problem, I think, is that her ex-husband is an evil drama-monster who bludgeoned her with tantrums, legal threats, and ultimatums until she would do anything to appease him. It makes her a total wuss with the kids and interferes with her availability for our relationship. That makes me push her sometimes, which makes her jump like she’s been scalded and trapped between two powerful, demanding masters. I don’t think she’s into dominant men any more (at least, I don’t see myself as one), but my goal is to help her resist her evil ex without making her feel she’s doing it to appease me.

No matter how nice your girlfriend is, if she’s over-reactive to an evil ex, you can find yourself getting irritated, worried, and sometimes outraged. You’re sorry she has trouble setting limits with the guy, but you sure don’t want him to control your life.

If she doesn’t learn how to manage him and the feelings he stirs up in her, however, that’s what will happen, and your relationship will be riddled with the drama you’re both trying to avoid (and also become very crowded).

That doesn’t mean, of course, that she loves him more than you; he just has the power to make her more frightened or guilty than you do, because he isn’t as “nice”, and she doesn’t know what to do with those feelings other than appease him.

Of course, that may tempt you to fight back by showing her that you’re just as good at making her feel bad, which would turn you into a chair-slinger in someone else’s soap opera (as well as something of a jerk), and it’s clear you’re not letting that happen. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a relationship with him if you want a relationship with her.

Your best weapon is the same one we use as shrinks (and the one you seem to be using now); coach her to see a better, though not comfortable, alternative, urging her to use a lawyer to figure out when she can say “no” and what to say to her ex and kids if they attack her for being mean or unreasonable. Support her in doing what she believes is right and what will work out better, rather than in doing what will make you happy or her less stressed. Odds are, if an action is right and reasonable, it’s guaranteed to make her ex pounce.

Continue to offer her your positive perspective; she’s a good woman who has done her job as a mother and can do a better job by learning to say no. In doing so, her best therapist is her lawyer (used not for venting feelings, but for information about standards and consequences).

If she can’t make progress with that approach, then the package is what it is, and you’ll need to take it or leave it. What seems to be happening, however, is that she’s getting tougher, in part because you know how to keep a lid on your negative feelings while giving good advice. Her ex puts a burden on your life, but he doesn’t control it, and he doesn’t have to ruin the life you and your girlfriend share.

STATEMENT:
“My girlfriend’s wussiness about her ex drives me crazy, but I know she’s a good, responsible person who’s come a long way in learning how to take a stand. It’s been frustrating, and often feels like work, but I’ve done a good job managing my anger, she’s doing better at managing her fear, and we both continue to feel the relationship is worth it.”

My ex-husband has the divorce court judge in his pocket and it’s driving me crazy. Regardless of our divorce agreement, he takes me back to court every year for additional money for our daughter’s residential treatment (she has as addiction problems), and the judge buys his story in spite of its being full of lies and bullshit. He says I have money I don’t have—I can no longer afford a lawyer. He wants me to pay for a fancy, private facility that won’t take our insurance when there’s a good one in our insurance company’s network. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I want my daughter to get treatment as much as my husband does, but what I really want is for that judge to know how wrong he is to think I’m a skinflint and allow my ex to torture me year after year.

Unless you grew up with parents who were always fair and unbiased, you know there’s a real danger in expecting justice. The more justified you are in feeling screwed by the judge/parent, the bigger the danger.

Yes, you’d hope that expressions of injured innocence would get him/her to reconsider and, in a fair world, that’s what would happen. In this world, however, expressing negative feelings about a judge’s judgment usually makes the judge feel attacked and insecure, particularly if you’re angry and right. Not only does justice does not ensue, your hole gets deeper, as does your injury, anger, and tendency to make more trouble for yourself.

If your ex-husband is an Asshole (readers of this blog understand that I use this term diagnostically, and not pejoratively), he truly believes he’s a righteous defender of the weak, so it’s not hard to see why a judge who doesn’t know him would be taken in. If you then attack him, you’ll look like the angry girl your ex says you are.

So put the same lid on venting outrage as you do on alcohol; stay sober, and stay quiet. Remember, keeping negative feelings inside is not nearly as bad as letting them out in front of the wrong audience.

Now that you’re ready to eat your shit sandwich—cry if you must, but please don’t bring it up again—you’re ready to say something positive about your own plan for your daughter. Namely, that you want her to get help as much as your ex does, but you expect her to need help for a long time and you’re trying to save money now, because she’ll need it later. That’s why you’re trying to save on legal bills and don’t want to pay for the best intervention program when the difference between best and good is not worth it.

Don’t get distracted by the judge’s willingness to believe you’re a bad, stingy parent and don’t defend yourself by attacking his judgment or the unfairness of being dragged back into court. Stay on message: talk about your concern for your daughter and your belief in the advantages of your plan.

Given time and no attacks from you, the judge will probably catch on to your Asshole husband’s bullshit, particularly if you stick to your agenda and don’t push his buttons. You might not get perfect justice, but you’ll get a good feeling of pride for having expressed yourself as a caring mother, without getting screwed by him and your old negative feelings.

STATEMENT:
“It’s horrible to feel I can be dragged back into court at any time, to be judged by someone who believes I’m an asshole no matter what I say or do, but that’s life. I know I’m ready to do right by my daughter and that I’ve got a good plan. Beyond that, I don’t control.”

My brother is really an upbeat, cheerful, friendly guy, but he turns into a viper whenever someone tells him what to do, even when it’s sure to get him into lots of trouble, and afterwards he’s convinced he’s been calm and diplomatic. When he and his wife got divorced, he was so argumentative with the judge that he lost custody of his kid. When his boss asked him to do something stupid, my brother fired off emails to Human Resources declaring he was being unfairly attacked. The funny thing is, he doesn’t mind when I tell him he’s being stupid, and the next time something happens he’s sure he’s done better; but he hasn’t. He’s not nearly as difficult as he seems to be, so my goal is to keep him out of trouble.

God bless the antagonists, for they know not what bile they speak.

Whenever someone is particularly quick to resist being pushed, we assume there’s an emotional reason for his actions, and that understanding why will help him to control himself, or help us shut him up and make him more tolerable.

Truth is, we often can’t explain or control oppositional behavior, which suggests there’s a basic force of nature driving some people to be reflexively, unthinkingly oppositional.

It’s actually on the spectrum of Asshole ™ behavior, but, since it lacks the malice required to actually fulfill the Asshole criteria, it remains a general pain in the ass, especially for those people, like you, who are close to him.

Maybe the Oppositional Instinct springs from a genetic trait that spurs creativity or guarantees that not everyone will follow the leader of the human herd, thus guaranteeing that some will survive if the herd leader is fatally wrong. The Bible’s Abraham certainly wasn’t a get-along kind of guy, Steve Jobs wasn’t a people person, and no shrink with a blog fxckfeelings.com is eager to go with the professional flow. Most of the time, however, instant opposition doesn’t win friends among authority, co-workers, family, and/or most mammals.

Since their actions are often infuriating, we think oppositional people must be furious, but in reality, they’re often just doing their thing, taking courage from the fact that everyone else is getting mad and is therefore the irrational party. You can’t try to change your brother then, or teach him how to protect himself.

Short of averting your eyes, you can help other people who care about him—the victims of his accidental provocation—most of whom will hate and love him in equal measure. Friends will feel he wasted their help and ignored their advice, family will blame him for endangering their security, and they’ll all speculate about the impact of the things they could have or should have said or actually did say.

If you brought them together in a support group (or did individual sessions), they’d discover that everything had been said, more than once, and it did no good. It’s sad, but, on the other hand, no one failed.

While you and those who related can help each other deal with the pain (in your ass), sadly, you can’t stop him from being an ass in the future.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling that I could save my brother from his worst problems if only I could get him to shut up, but I know better. The best I can do is appreciate his better qualities and accept the fact that it’s probably more painful to watch him than be him, since he’s always doing what he knows is the right thing to do.”

My father is the kind of guy who would always complain about my mother (his ex-wife) to my face, even when I was little, but, if I objected, he would get mad at me for being ungrateful and unsympathetic. He still does it now that I’m an adult, and there’s got to be a better way to deal with him then just avoiding him so I don’t have to hear it. My goal is to set limits on him that will stick.

While you may be in a unique position to know that your father has good reason to be hurting, you also know, from experience, that airing grievances repeatedly is a good definition of whining. It may provide your father with temporary relief, but it also binds him to his role of victim/husband in a relationship that’s long over.

The fact that he attacks you for not being sympathetic is the icing on the cake, as far as proving the unhealthy nature of his kind of venting; he widens his victimhood by sucking his near and dear into the role of villain. OK, I know he can’t help it but still, it’s not good for you to have this kind of conversation.

You’re right to want to stop it, and telling him how unhealthy his father-son venting is is a start, but you need stronger weapons than reasoning with him about his violating a parental boundary. In order to prepare, ask yourself what you’d do if he ignored your wishes and crossed that line, and be ready for when it happens.

List the reasons that you believe it isn’t good to listen, even though he believes, in his heart, that this makes you a hard-hearted kid. You know your listening does no good, brings out nothing good in him, and has you walking on eggshells. You also know that you won’t get him to understand this point of view.

Ironically, once you believe in your own values, over and above whatever your father tells you, you’re an adult, not a kid. It’s as an adult that you tell him it’s not a good subject to get into and you don’t’ want to talk about it. Knowing that he’ll object, and refusing to explain, is what an adult does.

So what’s important is not what you tell him, but what you tell yourself. If you believe that what you’re doing is best for everyone, then your silence speaks louder than words, and distance won’t be necessary.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve always felt trapped by my father’s complaints and confessions, particularly because he jumps on me if I don’t listen, and I can’t help but feel guilty. I’ve thought through the consequences of his actions, however, and my sense of what’s right is stronger than the guilt reflex he can always make me feel. As long as I stick with what I know is right, I’ll never be trapped.”

I know my wife was always ambivalent about having a child because, though we had a happy marriage, we were both in our late 30s and she liked her life the way it was, but now, 6 years later, her crabbiness is hard to take. She’s not abusive, and she likes our son now that he’s here, but she’s grumpy and complains a lot. When I dragged her into couples therapy she expressed her resentment and that made her a little better, but then she stopped going, and now I don’t know how to get her to get help. I really don’t like her grumbling—our son, who is basically a good kid, is also somewhat negative and throws hard-to-manage tantrums—but I can’t think of anything else to do but protect myself by backing away when one or the other of them gets nasty.

If anyone insists to you that communication is the most important part of a marriage, bring up this case, because a little less communicating on your wife’s part would go a long way. Especially since she’s communicating through whines.

Like most people who aren’t assholes, your wife is prone to whining when she’s tired and in the presence of family, particularly if it’s someone she can blame, i.e., a parent or spouse. She can stop if she has to and it’s better for everyone if she does.

Again, though, as for most people, the flow of whining is often hard to dam.

Therapy is not a good treatment for whining unless the therapist doesn’t like to hear it any more than you do. Yes, in the short term (really short, like the hours before and after a session) it may relieve emotional pressure and make your wife feel heard and understood. The problem is that it also makes her a victim who feels better by whining, which makes the problem somewhat worse.

No one is saying that people don’t suffer or that your wife isn’t having a hard time; parenting is much harder for some than for others, no matter how nice their kids are or how much money they have. There are better ways of coping with the pain of parenting, however, than by complaining or venting anger. Usually, the negative emotion causes kids to behave badly and spouses to back off, causing more pain. It’s the standard dangerous vicious circle that most parents are familiar with.

So, instead of trying to get your wife help, give her some help by telling her you think she could do better by managing herself more positively. Show respect for her feelings but urge her to accept them as probably unavoidable. She can’t change you, your son, or her life, and talking to a therapist didn’t cure her, so she’s probably got what she’s got. She could avoid making things worse, however, by keeping her negative feelings to herself, staying busy, and focusing on managing your son’s behavior.

Suggest that she consult a parenting coach, which is to say a therapist who focuses on managing feelings rather than expressing them. Give her positive feedback when she manages better, not when she expresses more.

Don’t accept responsibility for having dragged her into this mess, because it takes two to make a third. Focus instead on present choices—yours, hers, and your son’s—and you may find that she can choose to keep a lid on her feelings and that, when she does, better things happen. Communication is good in moderation, but a marriage improves with encouraging actions, not discouraging words.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to see my wife’s unhappiness, which just makes me helpless, guilty, and angry, but I’m confident that I’m OK as a husband and father, and she’s really not doing a bad job herself. I’ll resist taking responsibility for her unhappiness or responding negatively. If she starts whining, I’ll disagree with what she’s doing and act accordingly without getting angry or disrespectful. Whether or not she likes my response, I’ll hope it pushes us in a better direction. Otherwise, I’ll know I’ve done my best.”

My brother has been very good to me, but it’s always on condition that I accept his advice and say I’m sorry periodically for things I didn’t do, and I’ve finally reached the point where I don’t want to have anything to do with him. My life isn’t a mess, I’m pretty good at dealing with most people without offending them, and I don’t like accepting criticism I don’t deserve. On the other hand, if I let him know I disagree with him, he’ll bring up all the mistakes I’ve made and the things he’s done for me, and I’ll never hear the end of it. I’d just like to get away from him.

Having said that most people, other than assholes, can tolerate disagreement even if they don’t like it, I’m not sure what category your brother belongs to. Alas, there’s only one way to find out.

If you back away from him while apologizing insincerely, you may avoid conflict in the short run, but you may also be more vulnerable to self-recrimination and guilt in the long run when he next accuses you of letting him down. Standing up to him may do your relationship no good, but it will help your relationship with yourself.

So the next time you see him, take care to express no guilt or self-apology. Prepare for the fact that, sooner or later, he’ll air a complaint, and let the testing begin.

When he does complain, don’t apologize or protest. Tell him, respectfully, that you’ll give his complaint serious attention and get back to him. Then end the conversation and leave. If he objects to your refusal to talk things out right away, announce with conviction that you believe it’s better to take a little time before you reply so as to avoid negative feeling. Remember, just because he files a complaint doesn’t mean he controls your time, emotions, or agenda.

Don’t wait for him to agree, just leave, and respond in writing if you want to avoid a scene. Repeat his complaint accurately, so that it’s clear you heard, and don’t understate his accusations.

Apologize, of course, if you think you did something wrong.

Otherwise, let him know you see things differently without explaining or getting into details. Don’t try to persuade him that your way is right, because the only person who needs to be persuaded is you, and if he’s failed the asshole test, he’ll never see your side, anyway.

Then close. Announce that you’ll have to agree to disagree and—this is important—that no good can come out of discussing the issue further. Make it clear that you won’t.

Yes, that one-two punch may trigger conflict, but don’t flinch. He can say whatever he wants, you’re just not going to listen, stay in the room, stay on the phone, or send a return email until he’s ready to drop the subject.

Your door is open to him and to good behavior, but closed to negative words about old complaints. He may stop calling, call you a jerk, and complain to everyone who knows you that you’re nasty and ungrateful. In other words, he may be an asshole. The good news is, you don’t have to be.

You’re doing the right thing if you stick with your response: you heard his complaint, responded, disagreed, and decided that it’s better left alone because it can’t be talked out. You have no animosity or complaint, and you certainly don’t have a reason to apologize.

STATEMENT:
“I hate having my brother angry at me but peace at any price is not good for my self respect. Tolerating his anger is better than offering undeserved apologies. Whether or not our relationship survives the change, I will no longer be forced to defend myself or win forgiveness when I’m sure I’ve done nothing wrong.”

I was a terrible mother to my kids when they were younger—I yelled all the time and even hit them, and my husband had good reason to divorce me and allow nothing but occasional custody. Still, I love them dearly and I’ve always wanted to make amends; we’re all older now (they’re in their 20s), I’m a lot calmer after a lot of therapy to work through my anger issues. I’d do anything to help them, but one of them threatens to stop talking to me if I mention the fact that she drinks too much, and the other is polite but pretty distant. I feel I can’t get through to either of them because the mistakes of my past have ruined things forever. What can I do to mend our relationship?

I don’t doubt you want to help your kids, but that help comes with a high price– forgiveness for being an asshole when they were younger.

That was years ago, though, and you’ve continued to care for them and pay for them while learning to control your behavior (their being older probably helped). So before you ask how to get their forgiveness, ask what you have to do to forgive yourself.

Sure, an abusive mother is probably the most stigmatized villain in the world. What people forget about mommy dearest, however, is that some people have very little control over their tempers, including those who would really, really like not to be assholes.

Depression and bipolar illness can make people very irritable while weakening their self-control and their ability to see themselves. Some people are born with terrible tempers, so the personality you got is the personality you got and it’s what you do with it that counts. That you’re trying to do the right thing is commendable.

You’ve taken your lumps without blaming others or backing off. You can’t help having the temperament of an asshole, and you’re still trying to be a good mom. That takes strength, determination, and good values. Taming one’s temper is never easy, so be proud.

What you shouldn’t focus on is whether your kids accept your transformation and apology. (If one is alcoholic, she may not accept it unless you give her a drink). You goal isn’t to get absolution from her, but to be a good mother, despite the distance between you and your kids.

So instead of repeating your apologies, let them know you’re proud of what you’ve done with motherhood, in spite of a terrible beginning, and that you’ve got good love and good advice to give, if they want it.

That said, you won’t take shit, either from yourself or from them; asshole behavior, be it internal or external, will not be tolerated. If they can agree to those terms, then you will be there for them, anytime, free of charge.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I didn’t abuse the kids, but I can’t change the past. I’ve done lots of good things, too, to protect them from myself and help them grow up. Now what they need is not more apologies, but the knowledge that I’m here with good, safe parenting to offer. If they don’t take me up on it, I may feel hurt and cut off, but that happens to lots of good parents. I won’t let those feelings make me retaliate or grovel. Good parenting sometimes means waiting.”

My husband is a good guy, but sometimes he seems to take me for granted, particularly when his family asks him for help and me and the kids are expected to agree to being a lower priority. The other day he informed me, without saying please, that he had to leave me with the kids for the long weekend because he needed to drive his sisters to another city to visit his dying aunt. I let him know I don’t like the way they seem to come first and wondered where that leaves us. I think I’ve got good reason to gripe, but I can’t seem to get him to see what he’s doing wrong. What can I do to get him to see that it hurts me and us when he’s over-responsive to his family?

You know that getting your husband to see that he’s in the wrong won’t work. From his point of view, he’s on a mission of mercy and you’re needy, competitive, and lacking in compassion. You lost the argument before saying word one.

In addition, you may not be sure that your position is right. After all, you’re reacting to the fact that he didn’t say “please,” not to whether or not his weekend trip is necessary. He may have neglected to say please because he was nervous about possible criticism, thus making the criticism more likely. You don’t want to get drawn into a personal injury war over his tone of voice, when he might be right, and you might have to agree, about his actual choices.

So ignore his impolite presentation and examine the necessity of his making this weekend pilgrimage. Ask yourself how much good his trip is likely to for his aunt and her sisters, whether it will give him some good time with his aunts, and whether there’s no one else who can help them out. Obviously, it’s less necessary if his dying aunt is already in a coma and her sisters have other ways to travel.

If, after examining the facts, you think the trip isn’t worth it, let him know you appreciate his good intentions but that you’re questioning whether the outcome of his good deeds outweigh the burden on the rest of the family. You’re on the same side—you know he’s a responsible dad who also cares about his aunts—but you’re hoping he’ll do what he thinks is right, rather than be overly responsive to his aunts’ emotions.

Once you’ve created a context of respect and made the issue of his weekend commitment less personal, you can also tell him you wish he’d take you into his thinking before making decisions that affect your partnership. Your intention is not to trigger a conflict of loyalties nor to make it a question of whom he loves more, but to urge a method of decision-making that will benefit both of you with no arguing at all.

STATEMENT:
“It feels demeaning to be told, not asked, to do double weekend duty by my dearly beloved while he tends to the needs of his aunts, but he’s a good dad, and a good partner (usually), so I now have an opportunity to suggest better ways of communicating if I can just keep my anger out of it.”

When my son was born 30 years ago, I met two other moms and we became friends. Although with partners, we shared the same interests and our kids got along well, and we spent the next years as very good friends doing lots of things together and with the children-one of those friends even married my brother (one son and three years later, they divorced). At the same time, I met a new partner (I was now separated from my son’s father), and we spent the next 27 years having a very on-off relationship. It’s difficult to sum up all those years but I think I can say that I probably cried through most of it! I should have left, I didn’t, he wasn’t committed, I was, I wanted a family life, he didn’t. I’m not perfect and I didn’t always behave well. Five years ago he had a son by another, not partner, woman and when that didn’t work out he and I got together again. Then last year, I invited my friend/ex sister-in-law to lunch with us, and they got together. The shock was immense … and it’s not so much the loss of either but this terrible feeling that I have been used as a sort of dating service by my friend and I just can’t get rid of this feeling of betrayal. It’s now a year on and I haven’t seen them since, and the emotional hurt is a lot less– I have done lots of new things, made new friends, and life is rosier, but I have this constant anxiety that this friend is going to take someone else from me – my sister? my other brother? and, worst of all, I have this strange fear that it will be my son. I would like to be happy for my ex and my friend, but I can’t. I protect myself by staying away but I have this huge sense of loss that I have lost this whole part of my life. I need to let go of this underlying anxiety that I am going to lose someone to her again.

When it comes to kids, we expect parents not to expose them to unnecessary rejections and losses from adults they’ll get attached to, who will then go away. When it comes to how parents protect their own hearts, however, the same standards don’t seem to apply, even though, as your experience shows, they really should.

Yes, I understand, you’ve loved a guy for 27 years, but it was always off-and-on, causing you intermittent heartache and wasting your opportunity for something better. You wouldn’t have needed a shrink, psychic, or your average plumber to predict a sad end to all you invested in him and his family.

That doesn’t mean your love was meaningless or less than real. It was powerful, at least for you. Like a good mother, however, your job is to protect yourself from real attachments that can’t work, and you haven’t done that.

What’s worse, you’ve come to assume that love controls you, as it has, so you’ve become a victim and fear that love will screw you again, and take away someone you care about. You’re afraid, but if you’re more careful about who and how you love in the first place, you will have the control you need, some peace of mind, as well as a lot less heartache.

The good news then is that love can’t screw you if you don’t let it. The bad news is that most love won’t work, and you’ve got to leave it alone when you know it won’t, regardless of what your heart says. One thing you’ve learned from your 27-year affair is that life is short, and it’s better to feel some pain now than feel a lot of pain over the course of decades.

First, resolve to stop being a victim. It’s no accident you’ve done better since your friend put an end to your underpowered (it takes two to power) love. Instead of worrying about your next loss, celebrate the fact that you’ve gained new friends and found better relationships.

You’re also more likely than ever before to find relationships that will last, but only if you interrupt the flow of good internal feelings at the beginning of a relationship to ask yourself if there’s any evidence it will actually work.

By the way, it would also help your brother and possibly your friend to ask themselves the same question. If you hang around with people who follow their attractions without giving much thought to consequences or values, you’ll find yourself in the midst of a boiling soap opera, and often be its victim. And the victimhood ends now.

As for that former friends’ tendency to use your friends and family as her dating pool, you’ve finally done what you should have done long ago, when you saw her mistreat your brother, by putting her out of your life. Suck up the sorrow, embrace your ability to do what’s necessary, and don’t let your feelings of powerlessness make you paranoid. You’re in control now, and even if you can’t control her, you can’t let her craziness run your life.

So, in addition to giving yourself better, more compassionate management, stay away from people who regard feelings-management as unacceptable interference with their inalienable right to follow their hearts.

As you’ve learned, following your heart often puts you on a decades-long trail of tears. Protect yourself as you would your son, enjoy your freedom, and keep enjoying it until you find someone reliable enough to enjoy it with you.

STATEMENT:
“I may always be sad about my old lover and scared of losing again, but I learned a lot from that love, I’ve done much better since I gave it up, and I will continue to do better if I remember what I’ve learned and stay away from people whose self-control I can’t trust.”

I promised my wife I’d stop messing around, and I meant it, but last month I did it again and restarted an old fling. I love my wife and the last thing I want is to lose her and the kids’ respect; I’ve got a wonderful family, and I’m not some macho guy who goes cruising to pick up skanks in bars. My problem is that women have always been very attracted to me, I don’t know why, and the sex is very, very satisfying (for both of us), even when we don’t really have much of a relationship. I’m an asshole, and I can’t stop myself. What can I do?

Certain ingredients make love particularly addictive, and one, for guys, is female adulation. They say women loves compliments and being adored, but they rarely ruin their marriages in order to receive them.

Certainly, what addicts you is not your fling-partner as a person, and sex is probably just a part of it. What lights up your pleasure centers and creates needs you can’t control is a mysterious combination of feeling strong, desired, and personally admired.

Whatever feeds your habit, it’s been going on a long time, and understanding its sources in your personality will probably not help. More likely, analyzing your feelings will make you more self-critical and vulnerable to the need for sexual re-inflation.

Unless I’m mistaken, you’ll find the addiction is hard to break, no matter how hard you try, and your first task will be, as they say in AA, to admit your helplessness and accept it as a fact of life. No, that doesn’t mean accepting that it will control your life, simply that it will be a presence in your life that you have to work hard every day to control and that may never be entirely controlled. The first step to avoiding asshole-ish behavior is acknowledging that you’re acting like an asshole in the first place.

Indeed, some people never control it, in spite of overwhelming incentives to do so. The good news, however, is that some good people have sustained meaningful marriages in spite of this behavior. Somehow, their wives felt loved, valued, and secure, despite their husband’s many affairs (and went on to become Secretary of State).

If it’s available, I recommend a 12 step group with other men who know what you’re talking about and who are trying to keep themselves under control. Look for a few attendees with good control who are leaders and sponsors. Unfortunately, there aren’t many guys who have this problem in the way you do, and stigma keeps them from identifying themselves, even to one another, but they are out there.

Even without a 12 step group, however, use 12 step principles. Accepting your helplessness means you shouldn’t promise your wife you’ll stop, because that will likely trap you in lies and shame. Tell her you can’t make promises, but you’ll try, one day (and come hither stare) at a time.

Take strength from your honesty and honest efforts. If you can regain your pride, you can show your wife how much you love her, instead of mollifying her like an angry mother.

Don’t give up. Spend time thinking about the reasons you want to stay faithful, aside from appeasing your wife. Look for any activity, or even a medication, that will allow you to think for a couple more seconds before you act. An antidepressant that has the side effect of reducing sex drive will go a long way towards preventing the act in the first place.

Shame, lying, and mollifying are probably as disruptive to your marriage as the infidelity itself. Work on all fronts and you may be able to improve your marriage and self-esteem, and then you’ll be able to look for some compliments and adoration from within.

STATEMENT:
“My compulsive sexual habits make me feel deceitful and threaten everything I value, but I’ll try to take strength from what I value to invest in my marriage, let my wife know where I stand, and stay focused on improving my self-control.”

My best friend and I got together after 9 years of friendship. A couple of years before we got together, I was with a guy that my best friend absolutely hates and also works quite closely with. My friend and I love each other immensely, but after only six months it was all over and done with; his trust and jealousy issues got the better of him in our relationship even though there was no basis for it, and he called it off as he knows that won’t change about himself. While he loves me, he wants us to be in each other’s lives forever so broke it off. I thought it was something we could work on so never really gave up hope that he would return. We finally had a proper talk about all of it, however, and now I get that he is never coming back to me, but I still don’t know how to reconcile that. How can he give up on himself and his chance of love, and how do I stop beating myself up over the guilt I feel for being with that previous guy, when all that goes through my head is that had I not done that, we could still be together? I feel like I ruined what could have been the best thing in my life and don’t really know how to move on, especially when all I want is for him to have a main role in my life. How do I separate my friendship and feelings? How do I stop hating myself for what I’ve done?

Many people hate themselves whenever something goes wrong, picking apart everything they might have done different, from bringing an umbrella to not swinging on a pitch that was down in the dirt.

As long as you don’t think too hard, there’s no difference between could have and should have, leaving you with heaps of regret (along with ruined shoes and/or play-off chances).

Trouble is, the only way to defend your self-respect when things go wrong is to ask yourself whether you did your best and then believe in the answer. Otherwise, you’ve given yourself total responsibility for all bad things, which is pretty unfair (as unfair as having your “best friend” be jealous of a guy you dated years ago).

If you accept total responsibility for all sorrows, you also have no way of judging anyone else’s contribution; by deciding that you’re the one who fucked up/the one guilty party, you give any offending assholes involved a clean record and lose your ability to defend against them.

If you look back at the situation with a clearer head, you’ll see that a lot of what went wrong wasn’t just someone else’s fault, but completely out of your control. After all, you can wish you’d brought an umbrella, but you can’t beat yourself up for making it rain in the first place.

So stop giving yourself grief for losing your “one true love” and apply your own standards of right and wrong. By your standards, there was nothing wrong with your brief relationship with the guy Mr. True-love happens to hate, and there was no reason you could think of why, two years later, he should still get jealous enough to throw away the good thing you had going.

Instead of giving yourself a hard time, ask yourself whether intense jealousy that appears for no reason is likely to go away, and what it’s like to live with someone who’s jealous and suspicious and feels entitled to make it your problem. In other words, consider not just the circumstances for what caused things to fall apart, or how painful it feels, but the actual value of what was lost.

Relationships don’t need love as much as trust; if he couldn’t bring it to the table from the get-go, you’re biggest mistake was letting feelings instead of thinking guide you forward. You’re doing the same now, but you can separate your friendship from your pain if you can see your ex as the flawed, less-than-ideal partner that he is and adjust your expectations of him accordingly. It’s not a painless process, but it’s necessary if you want to stop torturing yourself, which is more painful (and much more useless) in the long run.

You wouldn’t punish a kid for doing nothing wrong: don’t do it to yourself. Be a fair judge, and, while it’s true, you’ll never cure your ex-beloved’s jealousy or win him back, you’ll treat yourself fairly and protect yourself from taking responsibility for your ex’s dark side.

When you learn to see the red flags, you’ll stop blaming and start crediting yourself for the preparation it takes to avoid heartbreak, rain, a fastball, or anything else.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help missing the love we had, but I know that, for some people, jealousy is a curse that can’t be controlled and it’s impossible to live with. Next time, no matter how nice he is, if a guy tells me that jealousy has destroyed his relationships, I’ll stay away.”

I don’t know how to keep my daughter out of trouble, particularly since she doesn’t want help. She’s always flown into rages whenever she’s frustrated, and it got worse as she got older. She has learning disabilities, so she was often frustrated, and I feel for her, but the worst part is that she blames everyone else and thinks she has a right to hit anyone who deserves it, meaning anyone who makes her angry or “disrespects her” or “causes drama.” Now, at age 21, she’s living with me and I’m afraid she’ll even hurt me if I make those mistakes. She sees a therapist because her parole officer insisted, but she says nothing and it’s doing no good. I’m afraid for both of us. What should I do?

During the early years of childhood, parents assume that when their child has a tantrum, it’s their responsibility to calm them down, deliver the desired relief, and accept an apology or contrite behavior afterwards. Every now and then, especially beyond puberty, however, that’s not a safe assumption.

Ask yourself whether your daughter feels sorry about hurting people, especially you, or whether she wants to avoid getting into trouble. If the answers are no, and they seem to be, you can’t keep on thinking of her as an unfortunate kid who needs something you haven’t yet been able to provide. Thinking that way gives you responsibility for something you don’t control and forces you to keep your door open when it may be dangerous for both of you.

You’re not responsible for her rages or for housing her if you’re afraid of her; you’re responsible for helping her control her rages if, and only if, she agrees to try and you and she are reasonably safe.

Give her information about where she can stay if you can’t let her stay with you, and don’t be ruled by fear or guilt if she refuses your recommendations and threatens to hurt herself if you send her out the door. Your safety and hers may depend on her believing that she leaves when you say so, with or without a police escort.

Then write a contract of basically acceptable behavior, making it clear than any basically unacceptable behavior will require here to leave your home, at least for a day or two. The basic no-no’s should include not backing off when you tell her it’s necessary, not contributing her share to the house, and not taking drugs if you think they’re dangerous for her.

As the parent, you know what’s necessary to keep your house safe and your daughter from doing anything destructive. Don’t expect her to understand; just to agree and follow through. The same argument you used when she was a toddler applies now; because you’re the mom, that’s why.

Her not getting better doesn’t make it your responsibility to do more, but rather to define the limits of acceptable behavior so that you don’t make an unsafe situation even more dangerous. Even if you can no longer soothe her, you can still give her a well-deserved time out.

STATEMENT:
“I feel for my daughter’s pain and anger and I know she has good reason for her feelings, but I can’t hold myself responsible for giving her self-control. I won’t let guilt or fear stop me from telling her that she can’t stay with me if that’s what I believe is necessary. In the end, I hope that will help her to straighten out.

There’s a guy on my team at work who drags everyone down, but the boss does nothing to confront him, and it really prevents us all from doing good work. This guy does just enough to get by, and he sucks up to the other guys, so they’re somewhat protective of him. Meanwhile, he’s dismissive with me and the other women on the team and has a way of passing the buck to us, losing what we give him, and then blaming our hormones if we complain. No surprise here, he’s a heavy stoner and smokes during the day, but everyone at work seems to think it’s no big deal. I like the job and the people, but I’m afraid that complaining to our boss will be seen as petty and disloyal to our team. I don’t mind telling this guy to his face that I’m unhappy with his work and attitude, but it would just make him even nastier and impossible. At the same time, I don’t want to be silent just because the boys don’t respect what I’m saying. What can I do to make this work?

When you’ve got a job where you like the work and the people you work with, it’s natural to feel that the bad behavior of a single jerk shouldn’t be able to ruin it for you (and everyone else), let alone a lazy, sexist jerk with a drug problem.

Trouble is, his behavior can totally ruin it for you and everyone else unless your boss or other co-workers are reasonably good at managing his behavior instead of just avoiding conflict and sharing dumb jokes.

Unfortunately, as you may have noticed, they’re not really rising to the task so far, and that’s something you don’t control. At least it seems you’ve been good about controlling your own rage.

That’s important, because if you vent your frustration about his provocative behavior, you may make the boss and this guy’s buddies defensive, in which case they’ll bind together and focus on you and your buzzkill woman-logic as the problem.

There is a way to provide the missing ingredient, however, by creating a positive context for discussing the group’s accomplishments and the problems that get in its way, while keeping your negative feelings under wraps. Instead of talking about this guy’s slacker status, endless stash or jerk behavior, list specific actions, attitudes and episodes of hard work that represent the team at its best.

Then discuss this guy’s negative behavior generically, as the kind of thing people do because they get tired or carried away (not high or dickish), but which is nevertheless a threat to the group. Avoid condemnation, blame, or moral criticism, because, as much as you might hate this guy, it doesn’t help your case to make it personal. Simply express your concern that actions such as his can have a bad impact on the group’s performance and you’d like to see things get better.

If you’re not moralistic, you don’t have to prove your point or win a war; after all, people may or may not agree with you, or may change their minds later. You can only hope this guy sees what you mean and can change what he’s doing, because you’d like to see him succeed too. He’s a member of your group and you respect his strengths (even if his many weaknesses drive you nuts).

In effect, give the group the benefit of your administrative vision and hope it resonates with them and/or your boss. If you can focus enough on the good possibilities and keep your description of bad behaviors objective and impersonal, you’ll get through to some people who might have run away from your anger.

If not, at least you’ll know you’ve done your best and maybe planted a seed that will grow later (and NOT into a marijuana plant).

STATEMENT:
“I think my co-worker is a nasty, condescending, lazy jerk, but I still have hopes for the work our team could do and want to see how far we can get in spite of him. If I can persuade people to share my vision of our possibilities and the need for better behavior, without focusing on the jerk as a bad guy, maybe we can do better. In any case, I will not let myself be drawn into criticism and blame.”

My daughter is a sweet stoner who expects very little of herself but makes a basic living and gets by. She’s a lovely kid who’s bright but never did well in school and now works in retail. She’s responsible and carries her weight, but barely covers her expenses and has no ambition to do anything but linger in the service industry and continue to get high. I feel guilty for wanting more for her and not really accepting her as she is, and I know that criticism won’t help. What can I do, if anything, to get her motivated?

You have good reason to worry about an unmotivated, pot-loving kid. Life is hard, and pleasure-loving grasshoppers have few resources to draw on when their luck turns bad, other than their motivated ant/parents. Your daughter may see herself as independent, but you know how she’s going to wind up if/when her money runs out.

That said, you’re right that it won’t help to criticize her for ingratitude, thoughtlessness, or a lack of discipline. For one thing, she probably feels bad that she hasn’t found a better niche—even Jeffery “The Dude” Lebowski has his moments of regret—and for another, the more you make her feel like a poorly performing kid, the more she’ll need to toke up.

You don’t have to let yourself get frozen between silence and anger, however, if you can bring up the issue constructively, and keep the aforementioned negative feelings out of the conversation. Unlike the case above, though, you’re more supervisor than co-worker, so you have the ability to go straight to the source with your concerns.

Begin by acknowledging her strengths–a winning personality, willingness to work for her living, and ability to enjoy herself–then avoid the temptation to talk about choices and responsibilities. After all, you can never be sure how much choice she has about her habits and lifestyle or how hard she’s being pushed by her biology (both towards smoking ganga and away from motivation in general).

Then express your vision for a better future, which is that she should build more security for herself, given the fact that the economy always eventually goes bad, Murphy’s Law rules, and America is not known for its safety net.

Remind her that many self-labeled misfits find interesting things to do later in life, and that their years as misfits are usually not caused by laziness or mistakes, but by the fact that life doesn’t present everyone with a neat, work-hard-and-you’ll-get-there career. It’s not fair, and many good people are misfits, but the big danger is that she’ll feel too responsible for her situation, give up, and get stoned, rather than remain open to them.

Pot-smoking may reduce her opportunities or not, so urge her to evaluate for herself whether it reduces her initiative and ability to get things done. To do so, she will probably need to stop for a while and see what happens. You’re not telling her to stop forever or that pot-smoking is bad, simply that you want to be sure she’s managing herself objectively, rather than letting anxiety or her need for relief direct her priorities.

In the short run, you may make no difference. In the long run, good coaching can help her to think objectively about her life, appreciate her strengths, monitor problem behaviors, and sustain her self-esteem.

She’s not a bad kid, she’s just not making good decisions. You have the ability, however, to push her towards better methods of decision-making, if not better decisions. Alas, The Dude can only abide so much.

STATEMENT:
“I sometimes feel my daughter has failed to get started in life and that the fault is mine, but I know I’ve given her a good home and that there are many good people who have trouble finding a niche. I will continue to coach her on good life management, respect myself for doing that job, and refuse to hold myself, or her, responsible for results we don’t control.”

I’ve always been close to my younger brother but I kept quiet about my objections to the woman he married, although she sure came with baggage—a mean ex-husband and 2 unhappy kids. Recently, however, it turned out that the mean ex-husband wasn’t entirely wrong, and she is indeed self-centered, bossy, and nasty and shows very little respect to my brother or, in one memorable episode, our parents. When she cussed out my mother, I’d had enough, and let him know I thought she’d gone too far. Since then, as you might guess, my brother has not been eager to talk to me and certainly doesn’t want to talk about his marriage, even though my main feelings for him are positive and protective. I would do anything to get him to seek help, since he won’t talk to anyone in the family, but I don’t know how to get through to him. So how can I get him to talk to someone?

There’s a common notion that shrinks are good at getting through to loved ones who won’t listen to anyone else; that a psychiatrist can double as a spiritual Sherpa, able to guide the stubborn up Mount Issues to the Summit of Personal Insight.

What people forget is that shrinks aren’t Sherpas, we’re strangers—we lack facts and a vivid, first-hand impression about whatever the rotten thing is that they should be advised against—and there’s no reason to believe a stranger can succeed where a sibling can’t.

All we know about our patients is what they tell us (supplemented, maybe, by second-hand accounts from their relatives, whom we know even less about), and if they don’t see a problem, even if you do, they wouldn’t tell us about it in the first place.

The other problem with counting on a professional third party to talk sense into someone is that confrontation often drives defensive patients away. Unlike you, however, we won’t be seeing one another at family events for the rest of our lives.

So shrinks don’t mind acting as messengers—everyone has to make a living, and we aren’t being asked to lift heavy furniture or sing—but it doesn’t work, and it isn’t free.

On the other hand, you might do better at getting your own message across if you could keep your negative feelings under control and adopt a professional stance. After all, professionalism isn’t about not having feelings for your clients/patients, it’s about keeping those feelings out of the conversation while helping someone think through their best interests.

As much as you want and feel entitled to share your negative feelings of disgust and outrage with your brother, put them aside for the greater goal. Instead, talk to him about your wish that his marriage work out well for him and ask him whether the partnership has developed the good, positive things he hoped for, more than enough to outweigh the “baggage” of his wife’s other obligations.

If he bristles at the mere mention of baggage, take a step back and focus on his needs again. If he sticks with you, proceed with caution and watch your word choice carefully. After all, semantics are everything during a tense negotiation, so, when talking professionally about his asshole wife’s bad behavior, do NOT call it bad behavior. Talk about it as “conflict” or “difficult feelings” or “control problems.”

Again, take your lead from him, alluding to her problem if and only if he sees her as having a problem, and describing her as a good person who has less control than one would wish. Make it clear you only want good things for both of them, even if what you really want to do is tear both of them brand new assholes.

If he worships her absolutely, then the conversation will be short. Chances are, however, that your brother holds his wife partly accountable and wishes to talk about her problems, but can’t until he’s assured you won’t condemn her.

Stay focused then on the state of his union and whether or not he can help her to change. Assuming he hopes that she can and you know better, urge him to consider what he’ll do if she can’t. He has to Sherpa is own damn self, but your job is gently getting him to realize that there’s a hike in the first place.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to see the way my brother and our family are disrespected by his wife, but I have the experience and skills to stay positive while I urge him to think about what he can do, if anything, to make the situation better for everyone (including his wife) and whether or not this partnership is likely to go where he wants it.”

I like to do things for people, but sometimes I spread myself too thin, and my friends sometimes accuse me of not delivering on my promises, and sometimes they’re right, which just makes me feel superficial and disloyal. When I try harder, however, I then find myself promising even more and delivering less, so I just can’t seem to prove myself. I wonder what’s wrong with me that I keep doing this to myself.

Focusing too much on your promises, particularly when you like to give, will usually draw you into a cycle of over-commitment, broken trust, guilt, and, of course, a renewed need to make more promises. The need for redemption (like message-delivery, see above) is a major source of my business.

People who like to do good often assume that the opposite is doing bad, or not doing good enough, or failing to keep your promises, when, in reality, it’s not that big a deal, particularly when you consider the many things you don’t control that don’t reflect on your character whatsoever.

You might think you gain control of your goodness by making promises—keep them, and you’re a good person, entitled to self-esteem—but the opposite is true, because of that little problem, mentioned above, of your having imperfect control and being obliged to do lots of other things, and not enough time to do them. The more control you want, the less you get.

What counts most is keeping commitments with people who depend on you the most—who make the most commitment to you—and doing what you can with what you control while taking into account other commitments to your own survival and betterment. In other words, while it’s not an easy thing to do, it’s important keep your priorities straight.

So, instead of letting guilt or a need for redemption push you to over-commit, learn to improve your self-management. Take commitments under advisement, consider your resources and other promises before opening your mouth, and respect your good intentions without submitting to them automatically.

When it comes to performance ratings, use the same system you would use for anyone else: whether you’ve been doing a good enough job at being a self-supporting person and friend and relative, given what you’ve had to put up with and the resources at your disposal.

If you rate yourself after careful thought, rather than relying on the flushed aftermath of having done a good deed, you’ll give yourself better management and steer clear of many troubles. You won’t be driven crazy by the need to be good if you learn to be satisfied with doing your best.

STATEMENT:
“I always feel better about myself when I can do good for others and I hate not keeping my promises, but I know it’s not the worst thing in the world to over-commit and I’ve developed my own standards for deciding whether I’m working hard enough at being a good friend and making the world a better place.”

A lot of your responses seminal components point to having the questioners turn their attention to their ‘values.’ Can you please elucidate a bit on how you define said values with regards to the context you utilize said term, as well as how to go about developing such a core set of values when one feels that he or she has none?

Values are whatever make you feel like a good person, aside from just feeling good because you’re feeling good (e.g. by enjoying what you’re doing, or having a good talk, or getting good feedback, or just being lucky).

In other words, there are lots of perfectly constructive ways to feel good that aren’t bad for your health, but they’re like a sunny day. They represent good luck, which means you don’t control them, and if you make it your goal to feel good, it’s like giving yourself responsibility for good weather. You’ll be sorry (and I’ll be working).

Values, on the other hand, have nothing to do with your luck and are under your control, because you can always try to do something you think is worth doing, whether you get it done or not.

They include treating other people decently, being self-supporting, doing your share, and taking some responsibility for the people who are closest to you. In other words, trying to be a good person. Values aren’t reactive to how you feel or how you’re treated.

You may follow those values because you think that’s the way to get to heaven or get someone (e.g., Jesus, your partner, your shrink) to love you. Usually, however, life messes with people who do good because they expect a reward, even if they just expect to be treated fairly. When bad luck falls on such people—and it’s an equal opportunity enterprise—they lose their faith, because they never really had it.

Some people would say you don’t have to believe in a deity to have values, while others would say that’s what religion is: values that you believe in simply because that’s your idea of making the world better and becoming a person you respect. Other people (like myself) say to do whatever works.

That said, don’t assume you lack values because you’re an atheist, or because you’re depressed or self-critical or don’t like what you’ve done. Assess your values by asking yourself whether you try to do a good day’s work, or be a good friend or son or daughter, and care about such things in the first place.

If you truly don’t have values, then you probably wouldn’t care enough to write in and ask and you’d be sure your values are great and other people’s stink. Instead, you wrote in because you question yourself, which is a decision worth feeling good about.

STATEMENT:
“I may feel like I’m not attached to people and make no effort to make the world a better place, but I have values if I try to do a good job or keep promises or be a good friend. When everything is going badly, knowing I’ve lived up to my values is the surest comfort I can have.”

I don’t understand my husband or his family. I can understand that he feels I’m boring and that he can’t help the fact that he no longer loves me. But I don’t see why that gives him a right to leave me with the kids, go out in the evenings, come home drunk, and contribute to the mortgage when he feels like it. Sooner or later he’s going to get caught driving drunk. Meanwhile, he treats me as if I’m a drag to be around and encourages the kids to see me the same way. I’ve asked his parents to speak to him, but they think his drinking is normal and tell me they don’t want to get involved. My goal is to find some way to get my husband to see he’s putting himself in danger and hurting our family.

When you’re faithful to your partnership and your partner isn’t, the result often isn’t good for anyone. Your values are good—fidelity, reliability, sobriety, paying your bills—but, in certain situations, they can cause harm, and this may be one of those situations.

Go back to your reasons for getting married, aside from the love, lust, romance, and subscription to Martha Stewart Weddings.” You assume that a partner will do his part, especially when it comes to money, safety, and parenting. If not, things get tougher for you and the kids, and your hard work supports his bad behavior, which isn’t doing him a favor.

Looking back, you might change your wedding vows, promising to stick with him through thick and thin, work hard, and do your best, contingent on his doing the same. Then again, you probably said, “I take this man,” not, “I take this asshole,” but an asshole is what you got.

As asshole, of course, is someone without good values who is, in his/her opinion, entirely without blame. As such, your charming husband might say his vowing was contingent on your staying pretty, attractive, and fun to be with. If he had said that, you would have known what you were getting into.

In any case, you’ve tried hard to save your husband from himself, and it hasn’t worked. Now ask yourself whether, during all your efforts, you’ve seen any sign that your husband feels that he’s been behaving badly. If so, you haven’t described it.

Chances are, then, that he doesn’t share your values, since his idea of the marriage working is that it feels better, and it does when he drinks. Not only can’t you change him, but you can see where this is going.

Your only option is to decide whether you and the family are better off with your being married to him the way he is or being divorced. See a lawyer and find out what you need to know, but according to this doctor, the asshole you were born with is the only one you need.

STATEMENT:
“My instinct is to try to save my husband from himself and keep my marriage intact, but I have to admit that the doesn’t share my values and isn’t going to change. My job now is to figure out what’s best for me and my family.”

I’ve read my son’s Facebook and email (he left the stuff on the computer screen last time he visited), and he tells his friends he had a terrible childhood, and his parents are assholes. As his dad, my attitude is: Fuck him and his shit. Breaks my heart, but I paid over $100k for his school, and I’m not rich by any measure. His mother thinks we should be working to find out why we have this split. This is new since he went to college (now graduated and gainfully employed)– he’s an only child, now 25. I’d not have paid for his school if I knew what a sociopath he would become. He seems to want two separate lives, one we’re allowed to know about, and one we’re not, with the latter being where we are horrible folks and he was a poor abused kid that made his way up through some undefined poverty and difficulty. His mother and I are going to be divorced soon if we can’t resolve this. I want nothing to do with the ungrateful asshole, and she thinks I am a terrible father for not understanding he has a mental illness. He doesn’t acknowledge any problem, refuses to speak to us if there is any “drama.” In fact he wouldn’t return a call for three months. This is the only issue my wife and I have, but it is consuming us and we’re arguing continuously.

Before you get carried away reacting to your son’s blame, ingratitude, and nastiness, think of the goal you set for yourself when you decided to have a kid (assuming it wasn’t an incidental goal after “getting laid”).

Unless you’re foolish enough to believe in a father’s power to make his kid turn out right by bringing him up right, you know that bringing up kids is a crapshoot. (That’s why you should always hedge your bets by having more than one).

The only goal you can possibly set for yourself and your wife as parents is to do a good job and hope for the best. Like all parents, you probably had big dreams for him, and hey, so did Mama and Papa Gaddafi.

So you’re not alone in finding out that the kid you loved and nurtured sees you as an abuser. It’s life at its most unfair, but whether or not your spawn turns out to be a jerk just isn’t under your control.

Medically, your son’s problem is called a “personality disorder,” which means, in this case, that his emotional sensitivity is so strong that it causes him to see rejection, criticism and danger when they aren’t really there, and react to them as if they were. No one knows why some people are like that, but a lot of it is genetic, and the part that isn’t is not easily reversed.

At its worst, the problem will make him see his problem as always caused by others (like you) and, if that belief doesn’t change, there’s nothing much you or a therapist can do to help him. He’ll be an Asshole ™ who thinks the problem is everyone else (see our asshole definition here).

Don’t protest, though the problem is painful and unfair, because if you do, you’ll sound abusive and confirm your son’s worst beliefs. That will drive your wife to be protective, and destroy your marriage, as well as any chance of reconciliation. He might be an asshole, but he’s your son, and blood is thicker than bullshit. Yes, it’s painful and unfair, but your only choice is to make the best of it.

First, remind yourself and your wife about all the good things you did right as parents. Your son can believe what he believes as long as you know your own beliefs and stand by them.

Then offer him your perspective. As long as you don’t express anger or moral condemnation, you can be pretty frank with your view of his problems and your advice, without engaging in the “drama” he so dreads (and creates).

Understanding your son’s mental illness doesn’t mean you have to like it; you just can’t rage against it, because that fixes nothing while potentially destroying your family. Don’t tell him to go fuck himself, because the only one who’ll end up fucked is you.

STATEMENT:
“Nothing could be more discouraging than to hear that my son thinks we abused him, but, knowing that we didn’t, I need to accept the fact that there’s something wrong with the way he processes feelings and that I need to protect myself and him from negative beliefs. I’ll let him know that our own views about his childhood are positive, but that we acknowledge his pain. I’ll urge him to consider the possibility that his sensitivity is playing tricks with his memories and beliefs and that he should try to verify what really happened, rather than trusting his feelings and acting on them. I don’t feel responsible for his pain and won’t talk about it, but I’m otherwise available to spend time if he can keep things positive.”

I really don’t like my mother, or at least I don’t like what I know—she ran off with someone when I was 6 and then decided to come back for a tearful (hers) reunion when I was 19—but she was never really nasty or abusive, so I feel like I owe it to her to be polite. The trouble is, she hates to pay for hotel rooms, so whenever she’s planning to come to town, she calls me, sounding very friendly and complimenting me for all my achievements, and then says she’d love to spend some time together with me, my wife, and her grandchildren and expects to stay with us for a few days. She always makes it sound like she’s conferring a favor and atoning for past neglect, but in reality, she uses my house as a way-station and when we do have time together we have nothing to talk about since she really couldn’t give a shit about anyone but herself. I can’t say no. My goal is to be less angry at my mother.

We’d all love to have warm feelings for our mothers, but sometimes it’s just not possible, except maybe in the movies, where confrontation leads to insight, understanding, forgiveness and peace. Except if that movie is “Mommie Dearest.”

In real life, some mothers have little love to offer, and that’s the way it is. They can’t help it, you can’t talk them out of it, shrinks can’t cure ‘em, and you’ll have a tough time thinking of positive things to say about her when she goes except that she finally left.

If you had a good, long heart-to-heart talk with her, you’d probably feel worse. She’d feel she had to do what she did, she wouldn’t understand her impact on others, and you wouldn’t understand why she couldn’t hold herself to higher standards.

Communication, when people are made differently and see the world differently, usually makes things worse. It’s like two people trying to have a conversation when both parties speak different languages; it’s frustrating, futile, and filled with angry hand gestures.

You might feel less guilty if she was an overt jerk, like the guy above, who badmouths the parents who’ve been kind to him. After all, it’s not polite to resent someone who is as friendly and full of compliments as your mother is. Don’t let your feelings tell you what’s right; instead, think it through, and come to your own conclusions about what a good person should do with a needy mother who had no talent for nurturing.

It’s not right to cause her unnecessary pain, which is what you’d be doing if you tried to straighten her out or set her straight. It’s not your fault, however, if her pain arises from what you and she don’t control: her inability to understand others and give as much as she takes.

It’s too bad that she could do so little for you, but that means you don’t owe that much to her, other than to treat her decently. As an adult with responsibilities of your own, you’ve also got other priorities.

Give yourself reasonable advice that includes showing her respect, but saying no to long or frequent visits. Then say no, nicely. She may not understand or like your decision, but if you convey confidence in it and stand by your beliefs, she will have to accept that argument is not an option, and you’re not an innkeeper. Just don’t offer her any wire hangers.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve got lots of painful feelings about my mother, but there’s nothing I can do to make them better other than what I’ve done, which is to try to be a good reliable person and respectful son. I do a good job of not giving her a hard time, but I can’t expect to make her happy, because she wants more from me than she deserves or that I feel is right to give, and my job is to say no. I’m proud I can do it, regardless of the painful emotions I’ve always had about her and the ones she sometimes tries to stir up.”