Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.

Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.

The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.

The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.

The process leaves no time for any other (boring, make-a-living) activities or relationships, positive or negative, and the good guys’ angry responses and efforts to expose the villain usually make them more vulnerable to slander in an endless vicious circle.

So enjoy validation if it comes your way, but don’t seek it out too intensely or your life will become ready for daytime. Besides, even if somebody sees what your mother’s really like, her behavior is not going to change. Sadly, you drew her number in the mother lottery and won a nut job.

Not to be indelicate, but, as you might have guessed, your mama sounds a little crazy. On the positive side, that basically means, while her behavior is erratic and sometimes cruel, it’s not personal, just like your cousin says.

She’s not motivated by anything except a blip in her brain, so keep that in mind when you’re tempted to “fight back,” because you can’t win against crazy, no matter who acknowledges how crazy she is.

Your goal then isn’t to out your mother as a witch from hell, but to keep doing whatever you think is positive, good for you, and likely to spring you free, like getting your schoolwork done, keeping busy with out-of-house activities, and keeping these goals in mind when she does blow up and accuse you of untold (and likely fictitious) evils.

There’s more good news in that it sounds like that’s what you’re doing; you’re not describing angry, “cry-for-help” drug-downing or cop-defying behavior that will accelerate the soap opera cycle at the expense of your health and future independence.

You’re moving ahead, regardless of anger and turmoil, and that’s what you need to do. Forget exposing her two faces, because nobody will be happy if the soap hits the fan.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a standard business plan for growing up with a closeted witch. “I’ve got good reason to believe I don’t do bad things unless she gets me mad, and I can’t stop her from getting me mad, even if the world knows it’s her fault, so I’ve got to believe in myself and pursue my regular goals, like schoolwork and building a life. I can’t expect to be happy when she gets going, but if I can keep my mouth shut and fight the temptation to join her in big, dramatic scenes, I’ll be doing a good job and acquiring an excellent training in how to be a therapist.”

I’m a psychotherapist with a small but thriving practice. I’m also recovering from an addiction to pain meds (please note: I cannot prescribe medication, nor can anybody in my practice, so there’s no ethics violation there, I got my pills like any other druggie would). I’ve been completely sober for three years now, but I’m afraid to be open about my problem with almost anyone, including my family, because I can’t see how people would respect or want to get help from someone who was as messed up as I was (and I know most drug counselors are addicts, but I think this is different). The problem is, I feel more stressed than ever. I’m burning out on my practice because I’m always staying late and trying hard to make sure everyone is settled before I let them out of my office. And I feel terrible about not spending enough time with my family, and I never have time for myself. I feel I’m in danger of slipping, but there’s no escape.

Your drug use might be under control, but right now, your life isn’t.

Your life is being managed by your need to do a perfect job and keep your patients safe and happy. Meanwhile, you’re running out of gas, losing credibility with friends and family, and slipping closer to the pit of pain pills.

You’re not at the wheel, your desires are, and we know where that road leads. Caring too much about how people feel and doing a perfect job are what got you into this mess in the first place.

You can’t make people happy, particularly if you’re a shrink. Patients are unhappy; that’s why they’re patients. So far, there’s no cure to life sucking, so, like a good physical therapist, your job is to use your time efficiently to offer coping tools. After that, it’s quitting time.

Sometimes people are helped; but sometimes they’re disappointed. Your job is to do a good professional job and then move on to other responsibilities.

Then there are patients who want to hold someone responsible for their unhappiness, and their therapist is target number one. They know you haven’t done enough, or you’ve done the wrong thing, or you need to do more. If you react too much to their beliefs, you’ll never leave the office.

Of course, you can’t stop being sensitive, because that’s your nature; I might as well ask you to start writing with your other hand or grow a foot overnight. Instead, accept your sensitivity and learn to manage it.

You need to take pride in how you manage your weaknesses and, to do that, you must first acknowledge them, not disown them. Out yourself and lay claim to the management credit you deserve.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a management directive. “I always feel better if people respect me and are happy with my work; but I will not let that need interfere with my building better self-control, limiting workaholism, and doing what I think is right to balance my life. The greater my weaknesses, the more right I have to be proud of what I’ve done with them and intend to do.”

I love my work, my kids, and my wife, but I have bipolar mood swings (and I’ve taken medication for years) that lead me to do things that get me into trouble. Recently, in spite of the medication, I felt a surge of energy and started to stay up late, sneak into my studio and paint. I’ve also started to drink again. I don’t want to change meds or let people know what’s happening because I want to keep my options open. I love the highs and the freedom, and I hate being told what to do, but I’ve got a demanding day job that doesn’t involve painting, and a wife who doesn’t like it, to say the least, when I’m not honest. So my goal is to get myself under control before people catch on to what’s really happening.

There are few fathers and husbands who can’t identify with the goal of wanting to feel special, have time to themselves, and avoid humiliating comments about eating, drinking, toileting or sleeping habits from their next of kin.

The fraction of these fathers who are dealing with mental illness and addiction to alcohol don’t want to be asked if they’ve been taking their medication or started drinking.

So, if your goal is to avoid immediate disrespect and hang on to your secret Van Gogh identity a little longer, then keep doing just what you’re doing.

On the other hand, if you want to avoid the long term chaos of going nuts, listening while your doctors try to find a mental hospital that also does alcohol detoxification and having your wife tell you that you’re not welcome home until you straighten out and maybe not then either…then you’ve got to give up on secrecy and come out of the out-of-control closet.

That’s because it takes a powerful part of your personality to make a good guy risk his health and marriage for the joy of a very, very good but relatively brief mood and paintings that will never reach Sotheby’s. It takes a demon.

Lots of people have demons—they pay my bills—and it’s a waste of time to figure him out instead of looking for ways to manage him better, all of which require you to face and ‘fess up to your (or should I say his) possession.

Sorry, but it’s almost impossible to gain control of a demon without acknowledging that he’s A, there, and B, can’t be extirpated or exorcised (except through lobotomy). That’s because he gains strength from being hidden.

So tell your wife and trusted friends about your problem, share your story with similarly possessed people, discard false shame, and do your best to keep the demon under control.

In recovery, they say you’re only as sick as your secrets; admit your secrets, and you can keep your demon at bay.

STATEMENT:
Here’s what you need to say to yourself (and others). “I’m living a good life, but it isn’t easy. My priorities are to make a living and raise a family, but there’s a part of me that wants to drink and paint and stay up late and enjoy the bipolar highs, and sometimes that part takes control, particularly when I think I’ve beaten him for good. Making my problem public is the best way to strengthen my self-control. I respect my willingness to humiliate myself for a good cause.”

My girlfriend and I keep breaking up without ever really getting together. She’s obviously interested in me, or she wouldn’t keep calling, and I can sense her sincerity. We have a good time together when we get a chance to go out. Whenever we’re at the stage of taking things to a new level, however, like we’ve been talking every day for a couple weeks, she’ll suddenly drop out of contact for a few days and then act like nothing’s happened and I shouldn’t expect her to be that available. A couple times when she dropped out, it was because she couldn’t decide whether to get back together with an old boyfriend. That’s no longer the issue, so I thought we were clear to go, but we can’t seem to take off. I’d like to know if I’m doing something wrong or if there’s a way she could get help.

Don’t trust your feelings to tell you whether someone is really interested. Feelings are easily fooled and love is blind; watch her feet and see what they have to say.

This girl’s feet are doing the cha-cha-cha, one step forward, one back, quick shuffle, one more back, one forward, another shuffle, and repeat. She likes to dance with you, but that doesn’t mean she’ll ever move forward or make you her number one partner.

If you trust your feelings, then you must ask yourself what you’re doing wrong, which keeps you stuck with her and introduces you to doubt, depression, and me. It costs you time and money to stay at the mindfuck disco.

Ask yourself what you’re dancing for. It’s not because you need to dance (though you do), but because you’re looking for a partner, which requires you to know what you’re looking for and keep your feelings out of it until you’re sure you’ve got a likely candidate.

One of the requirements—I know, it’s amazing that I can read your mind, but remember, I went to Harvard—is that someone has a good track record with relationships. No one who does the cha-cha-cha need apply, ever.

Don’t tell me that’s easier said than done. First, I’ll tell you it’s harder if you don’t do it, so you don’t have a choice. Second, given today’s theme, I’ll tell you you’re possessed by a demon who loves attention and wants to dance and you have a hard time keeping him in check.

Your goal is to make a solid, independent choice, regardless of your short-term needs. Cowboy up, be a grown-up and give yourself the benefit of solid, caring protection and a nice, sturdy, one-on-one waltz.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement, in case your demon (or sometime dance partner) asks why you can’t, at least, enjoy a nice, friendly talk. “I don’t think our chemistry is right for what I’m looking for, though we certainly have a good connection. Spending time with one another right now doesn’t take either one of us in the right direction.”

When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.

You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.

Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.

Sometimes people feel that grieving entitles them to special consideration, but those people are delusional.

Loss triggers the worst in everyone bereaved, which becomes a chain reaction. Death is hard, but so is life, and you don’t get to cut in entitlement line.

If you go with your feelings—and you’re entitled to them—you’ll make things much worse. You want a face-off because you want to believe you could get through to your mother in a one-to-one conversation. Confrontation is supposed to be “empowering,” which is usually code for, “a giant waste of time.”

You’ll tell her she’s being stupid and insensitive to your feelings, and she’ll tell you you’re an immature brat, and you’ll both repeat yourselves several times at higher volume until the talk is over and no subsequent talks will be scheduled until her third wedding anniversary (or, as you see it, her messy divorce).

Remember, Hamlet had it even worse. True, he had even more reason to be angry (his stepfather had murdered his father and was eager to get him out of the way, the play he wrote for his mother failed to get his point across and got bad reviews, etc).

Being a character in a play, however, he naturally had lots and lots of feelings, all of which he communicated, and his family situation definitely deteriorated as a result. You see, there’s lots you can learn from Shakespeare, namely, ye shall shut up.

Your broader goal isn’t to vent your spleen and get mama back (which won’t happen), but to minimize the damage to yourself and avoid drawing your mother and fiancé together in an alliance based on her fight with you.

Instead, keep your feelings to yourself. Lie low, finish your studies, eat cake at the wedding. Choose peace with your mother over your worries and righteous indignation, because no matter how much you hate her choices, choosing to suck it up is probably what your father would want.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep you on course. “I’ve lost the family that I thought was my rock. I don’t know when I’m going to stop hurting. What mattered most to my dad is that I finish my studies and try to support Mom and if that’s impossible, try to stay out of fights. I can’t salvage or rescue my family or stop the pain but if I can keep on course, with all the sadness, loneliness, and irritation I feel, I’ll have accomplished something amazing.”

I was a real fuck-up when I was in high school; I cut a lot of class, got high a lot, got my girlfriend pregnant…she ended the pregnancy, but it was a huge mess. My oldest and only son is now 13, but he’s already becoming a chip off the old block. We’ve always gotten along so well, and I thought we were still getting along, but then I found pot in his room and my wife said she found a condom wrapper in the trash. We live in my wife’s small hometown, so nobody knows about my history, but now my son is going to have to walk around with that reputation, nevermind that he might ruin his future or end up with child support. My goal is to get my son to snap out of it and not fuck up his future.

It’s great that you and your son are good buddies, and that you understand him well, so don’t wreck things by trying to over-control his choices.

Yes, of course you’d like to save him the pain you went through, and you’re terrified of what might happen if he lacks the luck that kept you out of serious trouble. If you act on your feelings, however, you’ll turn your buddy into an enemy, and probably a nightmare.

Look at the bright side; he’s still at home, and you have lots of opportunity to give him good advice and back it up with incentives that are extra strong because he’s relatively dependent. (It’s much harder after he has a car and job).

You understand his problems, having had them yourself, so if you can just keep your emotions safely under wraps, you can be the good coach you never had yourself—you’re in his own live-in “scared straight,” without the scaring him part.

So, in order to be useful to him, start by creating a boundary between what you think will help your son and what your feelings want you to express that would not be helpful.

It’s helpful to discourage marijuana use with whatever monitoring and enforcement system you like, but it’s not helpful to tell him he’s bad, ungrateful or defiant (even if he is), or to present your efforts as punishment, or to generally give him a bad guy to rebel against.

It’s helpful to discourage unsafe sex and unsafe relationships, the latter being those that are overly close and therefore likely to blow up with lots of rage, misery, and distraction. It’s not helpful to tell him he’s got to follow your rules or else.

As an overall rule, it’s helpful to share your own vulnerability to the needs and desires that are pulling at him and state your reasons, based on experience, for not giving in to them.

It’s not helpful to portray yourself as morally superior or as a frightened protector of his image in town. He doesn’t need a visit from the ghost of ruined reputations future. Sure, you’re more his dad than his friend, but being his dad doesn’t make you his judge. Be reasonable, and he might just follow your lead.

STATEMENT:
Give yourself a pep-talk before trying it out on him. “I shouldn’t be surprised that my son has my own impulsivity and eagerness to try everything, and those are good qualities if he can learn how to manage them. It will be no easier for me to control his behavior than it was for my parents with me. Judging from that experience, I’ll get nowhere showing him anger or fear. So I’ll choose my battles carefully and explain my limits in terms of their long-term benefit and try to look calm and friendly, regardless of how I really feel, and hope for the best.”

I need to stay married because, while I work a pretty demanding job, my wife stays at home and watches our two kids, whom she adores. The problems are, however, (and there are many): she doesn’t work because of a migraine disorder that’s so debilitating that she’s on disability, and she takes too many non-prescription pain pills for those headaches, and, while they don’t make her a bad parent (I know the kids are safe), they often make her, in your words, a really needy, grumpy asshole and an impossible woman to be married to. I never know when she’s going to kick me out of the bedroom, scream at me in front of friends, or nod off after dinner. Needless to say, she won’t try marriage counseling or cutting back on the pills and thinks I’m bullying her if I suggest we have a problem. I can’t leave her, because it’d break the kids’ hearts, plus, like I said, she provides childcare, which is not something I could afford on my salary, and if I lost custody of the kids, I’d be in a worse hell than I am now. I know I can’t leave, but I don’t think I can live like this much longer. My goal is to find a better way to survive.

You’ve got good marital reasons for staying vs. leaving (the kids, the kids, the kids, and money, but also, the kids). There’s no escaping the fact, however, that her headache is infectious, and you’ve got it, too.

You’ve obviously built up a good, solid tolerance for living with your wife’s problems without fighting all the time, and your values and perspective are great. Which is why you probably already know that your goal is impossible.

Although the pain of living like this is pretty bad, it’s unavoidable, and the alternative, which you’re realistic about, is worse. The question then becomes, is there anything you can do to make things better.

If by “things” you mean hanging on to your initial hopes of a peaceful goodnight kiss, talk-things-out, happy-Mother’s-Day kind of marriage, then the best way to make your relationship better is to give up on your dream, take out your hankie, weep, blow your nose, and get on with it.

As you probably know already, trying to manufacture that kind of relationship using the reality of headache, drug abuse, and unrestrained nastiness will get you ripped up and make things worse for the kids. You probably already know this because you live it everyday.

On the other hand, if, by making things better, you mean minimizing pain and maximizing stability (instead of making your dreamiest dreams of a tranquil union come true), then discard the old conventions and remember the calming power of a wall, whether it’s made of bricks, silence, politeness, or emotional restraint. Hopefully, all of above.

Don’t be ashamed to show that you and your wife are not on the same page; fuck convention, because trying so hard to get on the same page is impossible and killing you both. Don’t be mean, but don’t hesitate to separate whenever you think the alternative won’t work.

Friends and kids may urge you to make nice, kiss, communicate, and listen to the minister/couples therapist. Don’t. Be ready to stand by your own idea of what works best.

Your wife copes with her worries by maintaining a steady diet of denial and pills, but that’s working for her and no one else. You can make everyone happy by being less of a good husband, more of a good roommate, and always a good dad.

STATEMENT:
“My relationship with my wife is very important. We’ve tried hard to stay close, despite a number of unresolvable problems, and too much closeness seems to make things worse. We still believe it’s best to stay and work together. What helps most are arrangements that allow us to live, work, and sleep separately when the tension or disagreements are too emotionally intense. I refuse to talk with her—with or without a helper in the room—about our anger and the issues behind it, because it opens the door on bad feelings and impossible expectations that invariably cause more pain. If, however, the talk is about ways of accepting and managing our differences and disengaging when we must, then I’m open to new suggestions.

I thought I could help my 13-year-old step-daughter after I married her father and taught him how to set some limits with her, but what’s happened is that he continues to be a can’t-say-no, don’t-damage-her-self-esteem wuss, she continues to raise hell to show him how much she hates her evil stepmother, and I’m starting to worry about her bad influence on my own 7-year-old girl. My stepdaughter is not just a brat; she’s already gotten suspended twice for drinking at school. Yes, twice. Our therapist can’t seem to get my husband to take a stand and has started to get down on me about how angry I am and she’s right, I’m starting to hate both my husband and his daughter. I don’t want to lose this marriage or act like an evil stepmother but I also want to protect my own girl.

Not every mixed family can end up like the Brady Bunch. Especially when Jan’s got a flask, Marsha’s pouring, and Cindy’s thirsty.

Once again, if what you want is a conventional, all-healed-up family, you can’t have it. It would be nice, but you gave it a good try and, as often happens in real life, you can never count on getting what you don’t control.

So if that’s what you want, and you keep trying to get your husband to take a stand, or stop your stepdaughter from misbehaving, or make sure bad influences can’t reach your own child, you’ll make things worse. As above, the first thing you can do to make things better is: give up on the idea of one happy family.

Decide for yourself whether what you’ve got is worth keeping; ask whether your husband–the-wuss is a good-enough partner when his daughter isn’t acting up and whether there’s a good chance that your stepdaughter’s troubles won’t gobble up your savings or infect your younger daughter.

If it’s worth staying, then cast aside convention, resign as a strong stepmother, and become a wise consort.

Yes, people (including your husband) may criticize you for not being more nurturing and involved in the life of your troubled stepdaughter. Assuming you aren’t, however, you’re free to avoid disciplining her or having much to do with her unless she asks for your help and is reasonably well behaved.

You can keep your door locked. You’re not punishing her; you’re just avoiding issues that can only end badly. In the meantime, you can remind your daughter how you expect her to behave, no matter what her step-sisters do, and remind yourself that it’s better to be an ex-step-mother than an evil one.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that makes clear your distance is not intended to punish or demean. “I love my husband but it’s become clear to me, after trying hard, that I can’t make a positive contribution to raising his child. There’s no one to blame. Her age and our chemistry are simply wrong. The best way for us to manage our relationship is to keep it friendly but formal and avoid my assuming any parental authority. By this I do not mean to criticize her or withhold love; merely to make the best of a family relationship.

My ex-wife was never that solid, but even I was surprised when she left me for her yoga instructor, who’s also a total fuck-up. I agreed to joint custody because our daughter deserves to know her mother, no matter how stupid her mother is, but my wife’s visitation falls on the same days as our daughter’s ballet classes, and, wouldn’t you know, my ex- doesn’t have a car (her boyfriend crashed the one she got from me), so she tells me, in front of our daughter, that I’m selfish if I don’t drive the two of them to ballet and back, on her visitation day. It makes me nuts, because I can’t figure out a way to say “no” without disappointing my daughter and looking like a meanie. My goal is to stop my ex-wife from using our daughter to manipulate me.

Attempting to stop your ex-wife’s visitation blackmail is never a good goal; it makes you reactive to her ability to make you feel guilty and/or look bad, rather than to your own ideas about what constitutes an appropriate sacrifice for your child’s welfare.

Besides, you can’t stop her from using your worries about your daughter to push you around. Basically, your ex-wife can fart in your face whenever she wants, even when you’re behind the wheel. She’s already stunk up your marriage.

If you accept and ignore humiliation (and bad smells), however, you can focus on the more important goal you’ve already embraced, which is doing what’s necessary for your daughter’s well-being.

No, that doesn’t mean you should do whatever your ex-wife persuades your daughter to ask you for. Don’t be guilted by your daughter’s pleading or your ex-wife’s attitude. When your ex has visitation, she has responsibility, and you don’t.

Ask yourself what’s the worst that will happen if you don’t bail out your ex. If she isn’t a total loser, she should be able to arrange a ride. On the other hand, if she can’t, you may want to help out on the day of a dress rehearsal.

Decide for yourself whether the fight is worth it. You have a right to spend your off-visitation times on other needs, and it may be good for your wife and daughter to know that you feel no guilt in doing so.

On the other hand, you may decide it’s worth protecting your daughter from your wife’s incompetence. It’s your call, but no matter what, if you’ve thought it through, you needn’t feel guilty.

Do what you think is right. If you help out, it may feel like caving in, but it isn’t, not if you’ve followed procedures and made up your own mind. Besides, if the stress has really got you down, there’s always yoga. Clearly, it’s taken her far.

STATEMENT:
Write a statement you could give your ex. “During your visitation days, it’s your responsibility, not mine, to deal with transportation problems. I have other obligations and may need to be away or unavailable. You’re free, however, to ask for my help (or anyone else’s) and I’ll be happy to let you know what I can do and under what circumstances.”

One of the first things that attracted me to my husband was his sense of humor; he’s a smart, sarcastic guy. Unfortunately, that sense of humor doesn’t translate well to our kids, who, as far as I can tell, are hurt by the same dark, sarcastic tone I so enjoy. I’ve asked him to lighten up because the kids are sensitive, but he acts like I’m telling him he’s a bad parent and then he tells me I’m not doing such a good job myself. I don’t like where this is going, but I’m worried about the harm he can do the kids. My goal is to protect the kids and get my husband to back off without antagonizing him.

Sure, you can get your husband to change his parenting style. Talking to him about it is a great idea, and you should do it lots of times. Then, while you’re at it, you should figure out how to cure cancer and run cars on old twinkie wrappers.

OK, now that we’ve done using some of your husband’s patented sarcasm, you’ve got to accept that your husband will be sarcastic and the kids will have to learn how to deal with it.

On the other hand, you can help everyone take your husband’s style less personally if you begin by accepting it yourself. Yes, you may well feel worried and angry, but keep your feelings to yourself.

Your goal isn’t to express yourself, it’s to help your family manage your husband’s sarcasm. Instead of telling your husband to stop, decide when it’s necessary to speak up and have a response ready.

For instance, step in if the kids seem upset and/or your husband has implied, intentionally or not, that they’ve been bad, stupid, or ludicrous. You can spoil his joke without implying that he’s bad, stupid, or ludicrous, just by telling him gently to make fun of the kids all he likes, but you think they’re being normal kids and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Then everybody gets kisses, nobody’s feelings are hurt, and everyone lives happily ever after. Suuuuure.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a non-blaming response if he accuses you of undermining or humiliating him in front of the kids. “I enjoy your humor and think the kids will, too, as they grow older, but right now it sometimes hurts and mystifies them and gets a bad reaction, even when you’re trying to help them by pointing out something they need to know. When I think they’re too sensitive to take your meaning properly, I’ll urge them not to take your criticism personally, hoping it will help them separate the sting of your tone from the value of your ideas.”

When I broke up with my girlfriend, I felt like I didn’t have a choice; she was smothering me, she made me feel guilty and like a bad person all the time, and I just couldn’t take care of her anymore. We’d been together for a relatively long time and I had reached the end of my rope (she’d even started hitting me and breaking things in our apartment). The problem is now that I feel even worse because, in the months since I ended it and she moved out, she’s started getting high a lot and has threatened to kill herself more than once. If she goes through with it, I don’t know what I’ll do with myself. My goal is to feel less awful about breaking up with her (which I did to feel less awful).

As a not-sociopath, you can’t feel less than awful about your ex-girlfriend’s drugging, depression, and self-destruction.

It’s the feeling responsible, as well as awful, that will not only do nothing to help her recovery, but will also turn your sorrow into well-entrenched, call-the-doctor depression. So…Dr. Lastname here, how can I help you?

You might think it’s good to take responsibility for the feelings of those you love; it’s a necessity if there’s something you really need to do for someone who’s helpless, like a kid or an invalid, or if you’ve done something wrong to cause those feelings.

On the other hand, life is hard for everyone, and most of the pain you’ll cause others is not something you or they control. Assuming responsibility for that pain is a way of pretending you could control it and make it right, which is a false hope that will prevent you and her from moving on.

Also, if you take responsibility for pain you can’t help, you’ll wind up blaming others and getting nasty, which will cause pain that you actually are responsible for, and then things get truly impossible.

The bad things she’s done and is doing (for love of you) are not your fault, but they’re not her fault, either. What they are are her problem, and, sad fact, your love seems to make it worse.

So don’t let guilty feelings affect your beliefs and don’t express them when you communicate with her, assuming that you do communicate, even if it’s with a look or through friends. You can’t stop feeling guilt, but you can stop guilt from controlling your actions. Stop feeling responsible, so you can stop calling on people like me.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement that pushes both of you to make the best of a sad situation while killing any hope that guilt will ever bring you back together. “We’ve both tried everything to make our love work and it can’t and now it’s time for us to move on. We’re both sad and it’s too easy to think about what either of us could have or should have done but that’s a dangerous, negative direction to go in. We both need support and nurturing, from ourselves and our friends, while we pick up the pieces, learn valuable lessons, and start a new life.”

My daughter is just starting high school. She’s had emotional problems since she was a toddler, and her current diagnosis is OCD (eating disorder, cutting, wild mood swings…it’s a mess). My wife is very easy-going with her, but also doesn’t really set any rules or limits, and I end up being the bad cop all the time. Having a teenage daughter is supposed to be hard for anyone, but as the only enforcer trying to take care of a girl with a bunch of problems I can’t understand, I’m in hell. At this point, as much as I hate to admit it, I hate my daughter—she’s impossible, angry, and just mean—and I’m jealous of how easily my wife gets along with her, and angry that she makes it my job to do all the discipline, and my feelings are an ugly mess. My goal is to love my daughter, like any normal dad.

While it may make you feel like shit, it’s not a sin to hate your daughter; it’s hard to feel warm and fuzzy all the time for an adolescent who’s probably rather verbal (and maybe physical) about how much she hates you—but it is a sin to be mean to her, and your feelings sure make it painful to be her dad.

Parenting under these circumstances is about as hard as it gets—it’s extreme parenting. You don’t need to bungee off any cliffs to encounter a day full of high suspense and drama, not knowing whether you’ll keep your behavior under control (hers, of course, you won’t).

This bad chemistry problem happens a lot to adoptive parents who have less familial experience with the kind of temperaments their kids present to them (no good deed goes unpunished). You’re one of the lucky biological parents to get stuck in this situation.

The pain of having no warm feelings and being angry much of the time is horrible, but feeling responsible for those feelings is much worse, so don’t.

You don’t hate her because you like to hate, but because of many factors over which you have zero control, including your daughter’s temperament, your wife’s personality, and your own reflexes. This isn’t your kind of kid, so you’re responsible only for making the best of it, and keeping her alive and safe.

Put your guilt aside, and you can applaud yourself for the hard job you’re doing and be more inventive about it. Nope, your goal isn’t to have positive feelings for your daughter (although you can still hope it will happen someday, and, honestly, I’ve seen it work out that way). It’s to do a good job of parenting someone you don’t like—that’s what defines a true professional—and respect yourself for doing a hard job under beyond-Mountain-Dew-level “extreme” circumstances.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to draw the line on guilt-provoking accusations, whether emanating from you, a therapist or, after intensive psychotherapy, your daughter. “There’s nothing I value more than being a good, warm parent, but we have to play the cards we’re dealt, our personalities are not a great match, and it causes both of us lots of pain. I don’t apologize and neither should you, because I think we both do a good job of keeping that pain under control. I do lots of good parenting, in spite of those negative feelings, and they haven’t stopped you from having a good relationship with your mom and doing many good things, so I think we’re doing well, all things considered.”

I have a dedicated husband, three teenagers, a nice house, a well-behaved dog—it’s not a bad life—but I’ve had a nagging sadness my entire life, and I still do, despite all the good things I’ve got. I deal with it, admittedly, by drinking a bit. I wouldn’t say I’m a drunk, and my drinking doesn’t interfere with my parenting or my marriage anymore than my mood does, but I know that what I’m doing is self-medicating. My husband wants me to see a shrink because he thinks I should take real medication for depression, but if my drinking doesn’t mess up my life, and if, despite all I have, I can’t be happy, anyway, then I don’t understand what makes one medication better than the other. My goal isn’t to be happy, just to withstand my misery, my way, right or wrong.

I understand that chronic depression, which is what we call “nagging sadness” in the biz, isn’t fun. It can make you grumpy, negative, unmotivated, scattered, and lousy at whatever you’re trying to accomplish.

All that’s excluding the pain, so no wonder it can demoralize you into seeing a negative future for yourself. It’s enough to make you want to turn “what the fuck” into words to live by.

If there was some way to relieve your pain that was risk-free and didn’t affect your other life priorities, that would be wonderful (for you—the aforementioned biz would probably dry up).

Sadly, said riskless, perfect painkiller, psychic or otherwise, hasn’t been invented yet, which is why depression relief requires hard choices and can’t be your only goal.

Clearly, you’ve got other goals than depression relief, or you wouldn’t have the good family you do. Good families take lots of work, so I suspect you’re good at putting the goals of work and family-raising first. Being strong about these goals can’t make your depression go away, but it can keep depression from affecting what’s important, and that’s an accomplishment to be proud of.

Drinking hasn’t done you any apparent harm, but your decision-making method is dangerous. You didn’t weigh risks and benefits, and you didn’t mention the fact that drinking, in the long run, tends to make depression and anxiety worse, and doesn’t protect your brain from the risk of long term damage that depression is now known to cause.

Don’t tell yourself there’s no point in giving up your only source of happiness for the sake of a future that will never be happy. You don’t make most of your decisions that way, and it’s a bad example for your kids.

Do what’s right in the long run, even when there’s no light at the end of the tunnel, or at least consider doing what’s right, even when the long run doesn’t feel worth it, but you know it is.

You might feel like you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t, but that’s your damned feelings talking, not your values.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to guide your drinking decisions. “Alcohol gives me relief from depression and hasn’t done me any harm. But I know the risks from using alcohol increase over time and my future matters, (even if I don’t feel like it does), so I will keep looking for and considering lower-risk alternatives and try to make whatever decision is best for me and my family.”

I’m conscientious and hard-working and I don’t need a lot of praise from the boss—I’ve been in my line of work for a long time—but the thing that’s gotten me in trouble in the past, and what’s threatening my position at my current office, is that I hate it when someone acts like they’re doing more work than I do and the boss agrees. I need this job and I’m good at it, but I don’t want to lie down and roll over when someone says I’m a slacker and deprives me of respect I deserve. My goal is to keep my job and that means not letting anyone ruin my good reputation.

In a fair world, we’d all get respected for the hard work we do. The need to get respected is basic: most large companies do elaborate reviews, wasting tons of time, to make sure it happens; it gets most married couples fighting, sooner or later; it got Rodney Dangerfield to stretch his collar for decades.

So of course you know that the right to get the respect you deserve…doesn’t actually exist. That’s a fact of life, and it really hurts, but the best thing you can do is do what you think is right and hope that someone notices. That, and maybe hire someone good at PR (and acquire a taste for shit, since, sooner or later, at some point in your career, you’re going to be eating it, buffet-style).

I know, your friends tell you to stand up for yourself, and your company assures you that their HR department is there to help anyone who has been treated unfairly.

As your e-doctor, however, I’m telling you, bullshit. If you’re complaining to me, chances are that you’ve tried to speak up and it hasn’t worked. Worse, it’s drawing fire.

Yup, that’s what often happens, and it’s not because bosses and HR staff are insincere and evil, or at least not usually. People aren’t evil, they’re stupid; they speak different languages, then look at the same thing and come to opposite conclusions neither side can understand.

If you’re really good at describing someone else’s evil abuse of power and your abuser can’t see the abuse, but understands how you see him, you know what will happen—it’s the law of conservation of victimhood—it will come right back at you.

He’ll work harder to compile new instances of your slacking and you’ll have new fodder for outrage, less job security, and more reason to see a lawyer, thus making worker-boss divorce almost inevitable.

You want justice, you’ll get unemployment. The real injustice is that conscientious people often hurt the most over this issue, while a real slacker wouldn’t care.

Your goal should never be justice, but making the best of a shitty situation and keeping your job, if you have to, for as long as necessary. That means eating shit, smiling, and not letting moral outrage and helplessness stop you from searching for better work (or gathering evidence of mistreatment in case you can use it some day).

See a lawyer, by all means, to see what it takes to make a good case. Your goal, though, is to maintain your steady diet of shit and smile until the legal case is in place, if it ever is. In the meantime, stay strong, quiet, and well-stocked with tic-tacs.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement for quittin’ time. “I do a good day’s work for no respect and it hurts. I can’t change it and I can’t find another job. But the reason I work isn’t to get respect, but to make a living, and if I do that under difficult circumstances, I deserve more respect from the person who knows what’s going on, and that’s me.”

I don’t know where I failed as a parent, but my daughter announced over Christmas that she’s leaving her perfectly nice husband after cheating on him, and it’s the last straw in terms of me wanting to just ask her why her behavior is and always has been so self-destructive. These aren’t the values I taught her—for one thing, I’m still married to her father after 30 years—and I’ve always pushed her to follow through in life and work, but she seems incapable of doing anything but sabotaging herself. My goal is to get my daughter to tell me why she feels she has to mess up her own life.

If your greatest joy as a parent is to see your kid happily married off, then it makes sense that one of your greatest sorrows is to see her unhappily divorced, particularly if she’s messed up and there’s nothing you can do to stop her.

If it hasn’t already occurred to you many times about parenting your daughter, this is certainly a good time to realize that you have no control, and that parents with good values and solid self-control can, and often do, have fucked-up kids and lose sons-in-law they’ve learned to love.

The gene for fuck-up-edness can skip a generation, or lay dormant until fed with alcohol, or it can wave a bright red flag in the form of the names “Randi” or “Amber.” Or it can just come out of nowhere and make parenting really hard, which is what it’s done to you for years.

Giving her a good, solid, come-to-Mohammad talking-to (Dr. Lastname knows that it’s dangerous to be flip about certain deities, but heck, there are no pictures), is likely to drive her away and make her act more crazy (like it would to someone deeply offended by the mention of Mohammad).

As you probably already know, most fucked-up kids can’t stop themselves from fucking up and get used to ignoring chidings or responding with true consistency, by fucking up more. Her guess as to why she messes up her life is probably as good as yours; all you both know is that it’s something she’s good at, and will continue to do for some time.

Your goal then isn’t to vent righteous wrath, but to help if you can. As a parent, that’s your job description. Don’t complain, because, while you haven’t been lucky so far in the daughter department, you knew there were no guarantees, and complaints can make this bad daughter worse.

Be supportive without taking sides, embracing infidelity or divorce, or welcoming her back to reside in what is now your office. The key to your support is, as usual, not caring too much about her happiness or lack of it, but more about her ability to do what will work best for her in the long run. Don’t press her as to why she’s a mess, but as to the best way (this time) to clean it up.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to guide your tongue. “I liked your husband and I’m sorry about your divorce, but what’s most important in the long run is that you find a relationship that really makes your life better and, until such a relationship comes along, you need to be independent enough to avoid bad compromises. Right now, misery and loneliness may make you feel less capable and more needy. Hang tough, wait it out, and build up your own life. In the end, you can learn a lot from this divorce that will help you find something that will work better.”

My sister-in-law has never been one of my favorite people; I admit I’m always hard on my brother’s girlfriends, but she was always rude to me and the rest of our family, and aside from her job (in the entertainment industry), I really have no idea what my brother finds appealing about her. In the past, I’ve kept my mouth shut around her because it really upsets my mother when I react to this woman’s rudeness in kind, but this past Christmas my sister-in-law was so rude that she actually made my mother cry. I love my brother, but my mom and I are especially close, so this really feels like the last straw. My goal is to figure out whether I can just cut this awful shithead (who brings my mom to tears!) out of my life, or whether/why I have to keep tolerating her awfulness.

Add obnoxious in-laws to the long list of insoluble problems that makes life the pain it is. The more you love your brother, the bigger the shit omelet you must eat to keep your love for him alive after he marries a bitchmonster.

You might be tempted to free him, and the rest of your family, from the conjugal beastess who took him captive, but you know which side he’s likely to wind up on, so shut up. Like the fuck-up who will do worse when confronted on her behavior, somebody who loves a meanie will, upon being confronted about those feelings, be driven further into the meanie’s tentacles.

Your job isn’t then to free him, because it can’t be done, but to make the most of what you’ve got and not make it worse.

Here are the standard operating procedures; first, say farewell to the old, happy get-togethers, because since she hit the scene, they’ve stopped being happy, and she appears to be on the scene for good.

Invite him and his dear spouse only if the party is relatively large and public, so misbehavior will be less likely and easier to escape. For one-on-one, use modern technologies, like email, cellphone, and video-chatting. Never takes sides against, or exclude, his spouse, lest he be suffocated in her tentacles’ grasp.

Of course, you can count on your mother, or some other sweet, vulnerable family member, trying too hard to be nice and get close, and thus stirring up the unwinnable nuclear shit-storm you’ve been working so hard to prevent.

The more the hurt and humiliation, the harder for other family members to see the value of what you’re trying to do, and the greater their temptation to gang up on the horrible intruder; but sooner or later, they’ll find there’s no way to solve this problem, save hypnosis or murder, and that diplomatic distance is the best compromise.

No matter how bad things get, avoid the temptation to band together with the ones you love. Instead, do what you think is right and encourage them to join you. Hold your ground, hold your nose, and keep your brother and your beast-in-law in your life.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to protect you and yours from the discouragement of loss and humiliation. “I treasure the lucky fact that our family is warm and close, but what I value even more, because it’s so difficult, is our ability to include obnoxious people when it’s necessary and stay relatively pleasant. We’re good at accepting change, however painful, and managing relationships that aren’t meant to be.”

I can’t seem to make a decision about the life/death issue. I want to want to live, or have the balls to call it quits. Shit or get off the pot. It takes too much damn energy vacillating.

“To be or not to be”—that’s still the question, right? Well, it’s also a question I never like to answer or hear.

Shakespeare or no, it’s a bad question to ask, because most people who ask it don’t really want an answer; they want an antidote to their hurt or someone to blame for not providing it.

It’s similar to the way Boston taxi drivers ask the passenger whether to take the Pike or Storrow to Logan airport — to have someone else to blame when, either way, they inevitably run into heavy traffic.

I know, the question expresses your deepest feelings. It also wears out friends, drives them away/proves that no one can help, and confirms your right to be very, very unhappy. The whole cycle sucks and it’s unhealthy. Keep asking it, and somebody will go ahead and hurt you more.

Hamlet, after all, was once a nice guy, A-student, and highly respected politician-in-training. Then some anguish over loss and hard decisions pushed him to ask his famous question and become increasingly self-centered, murderous, whiny, paralyzed, and dangerous to his friends until a couple of them tried to assassinate him, which shocked him back to his good old self just in time for his death scene, which would otherwise have been a relief. Goodnight, sweet recovered asshole.

And that, for whatever reason, is what I usually encounter when people ask me this question, often telling me they’re traumatized by something they don’t want to talk about, have a suicide plan they’re ready to implement, and are speaking into a phone at a location they refuse to disclose. They’re not just deliberating life vs. death, they’re challenging me to reduce their despair; otherwise, it’s my bad.

They can’t help feeling angry and despairing—their feelings are authentic, and I never buy the idea that the question represents nothing more than a plea for help or attention—but by channeling their feelings into an unanswerable question and posing it to others, they invariably make a bad thing worse.

So I won’t tell you to live or not live. But, until you decide to end it, try to forget about your pain, make a living, and be a good person. Pursuing your usual goals will distract you from pain and navel-gazing and protect your from becoming a full-time victim to whom more trauma and bad things will happen to happen.

And yes, if you stop measuring your pain and challenging others to respond to it, you’ll have more energy to consider how to make it better. Like trying various therapies and medications, and giving yourself enough time to recover from loss and depression.

Ask people, including me, how to make things better, and we’ll offer suggestions and heart-felt support. Ask us whether you should live or die, and we’ll stop a conversation you shouldn’t be having, even with yourself.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement you can use on yourself to stop poisonous rumination. “I feel despair and death is starting to feel attractive, but thinking about suicide will make the pain worse and ruin what I value about my life and what I respect myself for. Sure, I’m fucked, but as long as I’m living, the best thing I can do is live according to the values I’ve always had, and not let pain stop me, unless or until it does.”

My son drinks too much, and when he’s drunk, he gets into serious trouble, like fights, arrests, or both. My husband and I have done all we can to keep him out of jail with a clean record—this town is small, and the cops know our family—and also get him into rehab, residential and otherwise, or just on probation, anything to try and keep him clean without jail-time. He just got arrested though (again) for violating his probation (he was high and violent), and I don’t know what else I can do. I keep waiting for him to hit bottom and turn his life around, but instead he keeps falling further and further down, and unless I try something new, he’ll definitely end up in jail and probably wind up dead. I don’t want to give up on him, because that’s the same as killing him, but I feel like I’m out of options. My goal is to figure out an alternative to letting my son die.

The sad news is that you don’t have much power over your son’s life or death, and trying to exert a power you don’t really have will make him worse. That’s why, unless your son is presently choking on a sandwich and you know the Heimlich, saving your son’s life is a bad goal.

Since you can’t save it, your efforts will do nothing more than make him think you’re in control, and allow him to forget the sad fact that no one is in control until he finds the strength to control himself, if he can.

Also, you might have noticed by now that would-be saviors usually wind up madder than shit and ready to murder the person they want to save; it’s one of life’s little paradoxes that happens almost inevitably.

You can’t save him so you try a little harder, get a little more tired and frustrated, encounter a source of resistance that you’re sure you can overcome by becoming more forceful and, voila, you’re ready to murder the kid yourself.

Then you feel terribly guilty and more responsible and resume the saintly approach, so being part of a cycle that generates a big source of my business.

[There are a couple books that illustrate how to do the difficult but supremely worthwhile task of continuing to show love to someone you know is dancing on the edge of a precipice while accepting that loving them is the only thing you can do; George McGovern’s Terry, My Daughter's Life-and-Death Struggle with Alcoholism and Norman McLean’s A River Runs Through It.]

If it’s not in your power to let him live or die (unless you have secret powers/a deadly sandwich), then your goal isn’t—can’t be—to back away and let him die . It’s to keep your fear and anger to yourself while encouraging him to do better next time, to keep on loving him, knowing that you’ve done your best and that, despite all of that, he may not live much longer.

STATEMENT:
Write a statement to protect yourself from false guilt and dangerous over-responsibility. “I love you and I see your wonderful strengths, but I haven’t found a way to protect you from a life-threatening weakness that isn’t getting better, and I know you haven’t found a way, either. I’ll never give up on you. I’ll always love you and offer help if you find the strength to use it. Many people have found a way to control themselves when it seemed hopeless. Meanwhile, I want us to share good times when we can and not think about the bad times any more than we have to.”

I have been struggling with depression for most of my adult life, and I do mean struggling. No matter how many times I find myself going through months at a time of feeling hopeless, angry, and miserable, I know it’s a treatable illness—a chemical imbalance— nd that there must be a way to control it. Over the past twenty years, I’ve been through a handful of shrinks and at least a dozen medications, because no matter how bad it gets, I’ve refused to give up looking for the treatment that will allow me to fulfill the promise of my otherwise lucky life. The problem is that, twenty years into this battle, and I’m still not winning. Treatment works for a while, and just when it seems like things are finally working out for me and I’m in the clear, everything falls apart again. My goal is to figure out how—with what treatment, medication, game plan—to get control of this disease and live a normal life, because I’m stronger than this, and I refuse to let depression get the last laugh.

Hold up—did I miss the morning’s headlines that declared depression a curable illness? Up until yesterday, it wasn’t, and when you think about it, the list of truly curable diseases is an adorably short one. Really, unless you’ve got athlete’s foot, you’re probably shit out of luck.

That said, it doesn’t mean you should shoot yourself unless you’re similarly upset by the incurability of hypertension, diabetes, osteoporosis, high cholesterol, and all the other illnesses that most of us get, sooner or later. Even athlete’s foot isn’t worth it.

The issue here is that if you think that beating an illness means getting rid of it, you’ve lost before you’ve begun to fight. And if that illness is depression, then losing means getting more depressed, which means becoming a bigger loser, ad infinitum.

You’ve been watching the TV news where they declare that someone lost his fight with cancer by dying, which is an amazingly cruel thing to say. We don’t lose a fight with illness by dying, but by letting aging, pain, symptoms, and all the other shit that life throws at us slow us down more than absolutely necessary. Relapses aren’t a form of losing, they’re a form of life. C’est la vie. And la vie often sucks.

So take credit for tolerating all those treatment trials, because it sounds like you’ve done a terrific job managing your illness and reducing its impact on your life. I hope, however, that you paid just as much attention to what you were doing while you were depressed as you did to your symptoms, and invested as much in your work and friendships as you did in your treatment.

So don’t make your pain worse by telling yourself you should have been able to cure it. You live in the Home for Incurables, so push the limits and be proud. And, if you use the shower at the gym, wear flip-flops.

STATEMENT:
Pull out a statement you wrote to yourself when you were feeling more positive. “Depression always makes me feel like life’s biggest loser. But it’s just pain, I didn’t create it, and I don’t deserve it. It won’t last forever. I’ve done my best to manage it medically, I know lots of tricks for keeping myself going and distracted from it, and I’m proud of what I’ve been able to do in spite of it. Whatever happens, I’ve done fine so far and I’ll stick with what I’m trying to do. It can kill me. But it can’t change my values or my goals, which will keep me living what I can of my life for as long as I can.”

I see a therapist, but he doesn’t have any good ideas, so I thought I’d get a second opinion. I’m a so-called senior citizen, and while I’m in a wheelchair with now-useless legs, my mind is still quite intact, thank you very much. My husband, who passed away almost ten years ago, was a great man, and he left me in a very financially comfortable situation, which I look forward to passing down to my children. All that said, I’ve struggled with periods of depression ever since the birth of my first child, and so, despite all the good in my life, I’m also in a lot of pain (mostly mental but some physical, in my legs) and am not afraid to tell people, like my family and now the shrink they want me to see, that I’m looking forward to death and am actually quite eager to die. Nobody seems to want to hear it, but I feel like I’ve earned it, and besides, the timing is right. My goal is to either figure out what’s wrong with my wish or get enough ammunition to get everyone off my back.

If your goal is to escape your pain, then suicide is a reasonable option. The trouble is, you’ve got more important goals in life to think about first (with “in life” being the operative words here).

No, you are no longer responsible for caring for children or other dependents, but that really doesn’t change the fact that one of your most important goals, as a parent and person, is to bear pain and live life in spite of it. And now you must ask yourself whether that goal ever changes, regardless of age or mobility.

What suicide means is that your pain becomes more important than anything else. And sometimes that really happens, or you know it’s about to happen, and anyone who knows the truth will understand that you didn’t give up your values by exiting life, you were simply overcome.

Otherwise, your job is to make the best of what you’ve got. You may not be ready to play murderball, but you’ve got a sharp brain, an ability to care, and a wealth of experience. You express yourself well. Your goal is to try to find a way to use your abilities and make life better, regardless of how negatively you feel. Hell, if you’re really at loose ends, you can write a blog.

But don’t talk about being ready to depart unless you want to guilt your relatives into visiting more often. Talking about it gives more power to your pain and boredom, and that’s not good for you.

Don’t talk about your right to die, either. Your goal is to live by your values and encounter death within those values, not as a reward for hard work well done. That’s the same balance sheet rationalization that people use to justify downing a quart of ice cream when they’ve got diabetes, or a liter of vodka when they can’t afford to get drunk.

You’re on a car trip that’s become boring and painful and you want to ask “Are we there yet?” You’re old enough to know better. You’re making the trip longer and even more painful.

STATEMENT:
Reach back to a statement you might have composed in better days, when you knew things would get painful and you didn’t want pain to make you forget your values. “When I’m depressed and disabled, life doesn’t seem like it’s worth living. But it’s easy to forget that my relationships will never stop being important to me and that I have much to contribute, even when it seems like I’m nothing but a burden. There’s value in much that I do, even if I can’t see it, so I will try to do what I’ve always done, and try to contribute, and make the most of my relationships, and that’s how I’ll fight the distortion of depression and continue to be me.”