I have struggled and do struggle with mental illness. I am 29-years-old and live in my parent’s house with my 2-year-old. Although I have been in school and have worked a few jobs, I can’t seem to stay on one path once I’ve made a decision. I have a very difficult time making decisions, whether they are big decisions or small ones, and once I do finally make a decision I often drive myself crazy changing my mind a billion times. I break up with my boyfriend every few weeks because I’m doubting my decision of being with him, then I turn around and try to mend it because I’m doubting my decision about breaking up. I booked a trip and spent the whole two weeks prior wondering whether I should go, worrying about something bad possibly happening. I struggled right up until the morning of my flight, almost cancelling and not going to the airport 15 minutes before boarding time. This problem has contributed to ruining relationships in my life and I’m very tired of dealing with it. Why am I constantly plagued with indecisiveness and how can I cope?

Your were right the first time; what’s bothering you isn’t indecisiveness, it’s mental illness. That’s one of the many conclusions you don’t have to second guess.

It’s mental illness that makes you unthink everything you think; if it were indecisiveness, it would arise more from a wish to avoid decisions or uncertainty about what you want. Your problem seems more like a mental tic that obsesses you with doubts and alternatives every time you make a plan.

What’s clear is that you’ve tried to lead a life. You’ve gone to school and tried jobs, in spite of the agony you experience about every decision. You break up with your boyfriend, but you also try to keep relationships going. Every day your head is abuzz with doubts, but you don’t seem to give up.

No one knows why you have such a curse, or why anyone has mental illness. Maybe you have an excessive amount of a gene that normally causes reasonable self-doubt and helps people survive. Enough of that gene, and you’re the tribal leader; too much of it, and you’re a nervous wreck.

No one knows what causes illnesses like these, and there’s probably no single cause, but one thing is sure, and that’s that you haven’t caused this and don’t control it. Despite that, you’re doing good things to manage it. You’re letting your parents help and you’re committed to raising a child. You’re living a full life, even if it’s a painful one.

Don’t let your doubts persuade you that you’re defective. You’re afflicted, but you’re moving ahead, and every day that you manage to do some chores, be a good friend and mother, and look for work if you can, you’re overcoming your affliction.

As you probably know, medications sometimes reduce self-doubtful ruminations. The only way you’ll know for sure is by trying them, if you haven’t already, and being patient during the process. Another major way of managing this kind of torment is to fight the negative thoughts of self-doubt by developing a positive perspective and philosophy. Your ruminations will characterize you as a failure, and you need to find ways to fight back.

For now, keep living your life and developing your management skills. Treatment can make you a stronger manager, but in the meantime, be proud of what you’re doing to keep the mental turmoil from ruining your day to day activities and relationships. You might doubt your choices, but you have no reason to doubt yourself.

STATEMENT:
“I feel paralyzed by indecision and guilty about my inability to commit, but I have little control over this mental flip-flop tic and there’s nothing wrong with my wish to hold a job, stick to a decision, and be a good friend. I’ll keep on fighting for my values, look for ways to manage my ruminations, and respect myself for living a full life in spite of the way they sometimes cripple me.”

I’d like to leave my last marriage behind, but my ex won’t let go. She was the one who was always unhappy with me, but when I finally left, she said I had abused and abandoned her. She quickly found a new boyfriend to move in with her, but if she heard I was dating (from my next-door neighbor, whom she quizzes), she’d tell me she wouldn’t send the kids over if there was any chance that my friend was sleeping over. She changes visitation at the last minute just to see if I’ll react and threatens to go to court if I don’t like it. What can I do to get her to stop?

Obsessive love is creepy and destructive, as anyone with a casual knowledge of Lifetime movies can tell you. Maybe all love can cause obsessive thoughts, but some people lack either the will power to control what they do or the perspective to see what they’re doing or both. Then you (and your pets, family, bunnies, etc.) are in trouble.

Fighting and arguing with an intense ex makes things worse. Showing intense emotion of any kind gives her that connection she craves. If you show her you’re upset, you’re showing her how to get you next time.

Of course it drives you crazy; she’s upsetting the kids and portraying you as a villain, not to mention distorting the facts, spreading lies, and breaking agreements. You have every reason to be worried, enraged, and fearful for the kids—and even more reason to keep your feelings to yourself.

Pull out your poker face and put it on. If you have experience dealing with unhappy customers or clients, now’s the time to use it. You must respond whenever necessary, of course, and that will usually involve threats to visitation or major intrusions on your privacy. Your response, however, must not show fear or anger. It must express confidence in your ability to stop her if and when you think that time has come.

Your goal, of course, is not to win a contest or humiliate your ex. Her obsession is like a demon that has devoured her, so even though she can’t help it, her demon-controlled mind will fight to the death. Your job is to avoid feeding it and build a protective wall around your emotions and activities that it can’t get through.

Yes, you were married to a demon and now you aren’t. That’s the good part. Unfortunately, exorcism and revenge fantasies are for movies. What you’ve got to do requires patience, time, restraint, and courage. And maybe better movie channels.

STATEMENT:
“Although my ex-wife often makes me feel helpless and unhappy, I know that she’s nuts and can’t help it. I used to think that divorce or mediation or time or reason would help, but they haven’t. Now I have to use the careful techniques of a demon-whisperer to disconnect her from my life and make sure that her bad behavior doesn’t pay off.”

I can’t seem to recover from my wife’s infidelity. Six months ago, when I found out, it nearly destroyed me. I stopped sleeping, and started eating compulsively, and felt depressed and anxious all day. I have a demanding job and we have a 2-year-old son and I simply had to keep going. Now, after months of couples therapy and my wife’s promising to stop drinking and then starting up again, I’ve gotten strangely detached. I don’t think our marriage is going to make it and, on some level, I don’t care. I can’t lose the 20 pounds I gained, I don’t exercise the way I used to, and I can’t seem to get my confidence or happiness back. What more should I be doing?

I want to take this opportunity to congratulate you, not for losing a horrible spouse (that seems both insensitive and obvious), but for becoming a fat, lazy mope. Most people consider “letting themselves go” to be a bad thing, but in this instance, it’s a positive side-effect of recovery at work.

After all, the best measurement of how well you’ve recovered from trauma is not how good you feel. This Sunday marks a rather grim anniversary for many Americans, and after 10 years, some of those people still hurt, and some of those in pain are also in shape. Trauma doesn’t factor into it.

Depending on the trauma and what it means to you, there may be no way to feel good for aa long, long time, no matter what you say or do. What counts is how well you cope with it, and coping well doesn’t necessarily make you feel good or hit the treadmill.

For instance, you’re telling me that you’ve continued to co-manage a growing business and parent a 2-year-old boy despite a severe emotional shock. At any size, that’s amazing. You’ve also accepted the fact that your wife has resumed drinking and is unlikely to get control of other behavior. It’s sad, but you’re not obsessing about what you did wrong or what you should do to change her.

This is the kind of pain you need to have. Not that you deserve it, but life sucks, and it’s far better than the pain that would come with denial, holding on to what you can’t have, or assuming responsibility for things you don’t control.

Indeed, the fact that your weight and appearance come last is also a strength. You’re absolutely right in acting like what comes first is parenting your son, making a living, and accepting what happened. Dieting should never be your top priority.

Exercising would help if you have time for it, but there are times when you don’t, and shouldn’t, have time for it. When the chaos subsides a bit, you can renew your gym membership. For now, be proud that you’ve got your priorities straight, even if you feel rotten and sluggish and look large.

You’ve done the right thing under difficult circumstances for both yourself and your son, so stop mourning how far you’ve let yourself go and instead admire how far you’ve come.

STATEMENT:
“My heart remains broken and I don’t have the energy I used to have, but I’m doing what really needs to be done and I’m realistic about my options, so I know I’m doing the right thing, even if I feel far from confident about myself and life in general.”

I’ve think I’ve gotten over my last boyfriend, but my friends tell me I still need help. They know that my ex had a fidelity problem and a way of borrowing money from me and not paying it back, but I didn’t tell them about how worried I was that the loan sharks would hurt him (and I knew he wanted to pay me back), so it was more complicated than my friends realized. In any case, I eventually realized he was getting money from someone else and, when I confronted him, he said he couldn’t stand my nagging and that he needed someone who would give him more respect. I was shattered, but I’m OK now, and I don’t know why my friends don’t believe in my recovery.

Once again, the point of getting over a bad relationship isn’t to feel better; as nice as it would be, your top priority in “getting over” something isn’t to land in the sweet valley of bliss (and weight loss). Instead, you get through it in order to learn what went wrong so you can do better next time or, at least, figure out whether there was any way you could have seen the bad stuff coming.

If you feel better without learning something, you won’t feel better for long; there’s always more trouble coming, and no valley in sight.

Don’t try to forget him before first trying to remember what went wrong and searching for warning signs. No matter how shocking a boyfriend’s bad behavior can seem, most guys who have fidelity problems don’t develop them the moment they meet you. They’ve had them for a long time and the behavior problem isn’t invisible if you know where to look (and aren’t blinded entirely by the good feelings that come with a budding romance).

Usually, it’s just a matter of asking straightforward questions about past relationships and getting corroboration from friends and family—the same methods a dumb cop would use. Ask yourself whether your love of romance caused you to turn off not just your inner detective, but your brain entirely.

Trying to protect loved ones from behavior they show no signs of stopping is another red flag, announcing that you have a weakness for your own nurturing instincts. It’s a good thing to protect babies and children, and a terrible idea to protect grown babies from behavior that can take you both down. I suppose he doesn’t see himself as having a problem, and that’s his cross to bear. That you also don’t see it is a big problem for you, and that’s what worries your friends.

Of course, there are smooth-talking-but-bad boyfriends whom no one can see coming—those polished psychopaths who fool everyone because they believe in their own lies and are good at hiding their pasts. If your inquest doesn’t uncover that kind of nutjob, then you have less to worry about, because you didn’t make any mistake other than to have bad luck.

So before you insist he’s in the rearview and you’re feeling great, figure out exactly what you’re putting behind you; do your homework, figure out what went wrong, and then it’s OK to forget about him. As the old saying goes, you don’t know where you’re going until you know where you’ve been. If you push through the pain and figure out what your last relationship was really about, you’ll be able to go forward without getting over quite so much.

STATEMENT:
“I’d prefer to put the past behind me, particularly because I’m much more attractive and fun to be with when I’m feeling happy, but I’ve learned more from my mistakes than from the relationships that went well, and I take pride in being a good learner.”

I don’t know if my goal is to be less critical of my husband, or for my husband to be less sensitive to criticism. Here’s an example: the other day, he almost ran out of gas when we were on a trip together, so I asked him why he didn’t just stop when he had the chance, and he said it’s because I said I was in a hurry and made him tense, and that I always distract him and get him to make mistakes. In other words, his mistake became my fault. Then I stopped talking, and he accused me of giving him the silent treatment and being unwilling to talk things out, but really, if I’d opened my mouth I would have let him have it, and he probably would’ve crashed the car in a rage and blamed me for distracting him. So you tell me if there’s a better goal than just shutting the fuck up and keeping my distance.

If only there was a service, or maybe just an app, that could determine which spouse had the nastier tone of voice in a marital dispute, because in marriage, it’s so often not what you say, but how you say it. That’s why men are always encouraged to just keep their mouths shut and let the roses or diamonds do the talking.

What you’re really asking, however, is not whether you were right to be annoyed or wrong to criticize your husband, but whether his negative response justifies your distancing yourself.

In other words, you can’t decide whether withdrawal is necessary, or if you’re just sulking. So it’s not what or how he says it, but what or how (or if) you should say something back.

The answer isn’t to submit your argument to the court of internet psychiatric opinion, but to decide for yourself when it’s right to withdraw, whether or not you’re angry and/or hurt. Some people would say that the only way to get through a marital argument is to share your feelings, try to solve the problem, and never go to bed angry. I would bet money those people are single.

In the real world, it’s right to withdraw if you’re sure you’re getting nowhere, or you or your partner are too angry or hurt to listen, or you view things too differently. If you don’t withdraw, you may make things worse, argue all night, start work exhausted, and so lose your job, your sanity, and your will to stay married. So decide whether withdrawal is a necessary response to unbridgeable differences or a form of retaliation.

In this case, you had good reason to withdraw and it seems likely that anything you said would be used against you. If your husband said he couldn’t stop for gas because of something you did, I don’t know what your anger would make him do, but probably not have a reasonable conversation.

Ask yourself whether your husband often blames you or others when he gets anxious. If he does, you have an additional reason to disown personal responsibility for the conflict. If he always blames you in these situations, then ironically, his reaction isn’t your fault; it’s just the way he is, he’s not going to change, and there’s no reason to argue.

Once you believe withdrawal is necessary, and thus permit yourself to keep quiet, it’s much easier to do it nicely because you don’t have to justify your actions in terms of what’s wrong with the other guy. Instead of telling him that there’s no point in talking to him because he always lands you with the blame, you can tell him that the argument isn’t worth having and it’s better to talk about something else. If he doesn’t want to change the subject, then he’s the one forced to withdraw and sulk over his lost opportunity to bicker.

Just because you stumble across a marital crime doesn’t mean that you have to explain yourself and resolve the issue; in marriage, as in crime, you have the right to remain silent. And if you can’t get him to control his anger and blame, don’t wait for him to say it with flowers, you can say it yourself with your middle finger and ask for a divorce.

STATEMENT:
“I wish my husband didn’t screw up and then blame his screw-ups on my criticism, but that’s the way it is. I may not be able to hide my irritation. I will limit the damage by shutting down negative conversations, insisting that they get positive, and showing my willingness to make it happen.”

I wish I had a closer relationship with my brother, but I’m furious with him for siding with his wife in an idiot dispute about nothing. She’s well known for having negative opinions about everyone else’s business and, this time, she felt I owed her an apology because my granddaughter did something embarrassing involving someone else and I didn’t tell her. When my brother sided with her, that was it. He was once my best friend and now I can never trust him again. My goal is to stand up for myself by letting him know I won’t tolerate his, or her, disrespect, and that the relationship is over unless he apologizes. Isn’t it harmful to compromise when someone has been abusive?

Whenever you lose a close friendship (or part of it) to that combination of wussy-weakness and your friend’s marrying an asshole, it hurts. Trouble is, many long-term relationships have their good side as well as bad, along with a shared history and sense of community that can be lost along with the bad stuff if you toss the whole thing.

So consider what is really most self-protective before you give your relationship with your brother the ax and perform what is, in effect, an amputation that will hurt a whole lot more.

For one thing, knowing that confrontation will accomplish what your sister-is-law wants—separating you from your brother—suggests that it’s not your goal. Yes, you’ll never be able to trust him the way you did, but his act of betrayal isn’t personal. He’s not going out of his way to disrespect you; he’s a wimp who’s just carrying water for his wife.

Besides, by reacting openly you’re giving power to their idea of disrespect rather than your own. If you know you’ve acted properly, respect yourself by taking no responsibility for justifying your views or responding to theirs.

After all, you’ve done nothing wrong and aren’t responsible for your brother’s sense of grievance or his wife’s. Take your self-respect to a higher level by convincing yourself that you owe him no explanation and are entitled to shut off any conversation on the topic. It’s one thing to voice a confident argument; it’s even better to be confident enough to have no need to argue.

Remember, declaring war is seldom the best way to protect yourself. You can’t protect yourself totally from the pain of broken loyalty, but you will do better if you believe that your actions need no defense and realize that showing your disappointment will accomplish no good.

Confronting your brother does nothing but force him into his wife’s loving arms and add to your pain. Certainly, let him know you disagree, but keep your negative feelings to yourself, talk positively, and back away quietly.

That’s the best way to do a necessary downgrade of a partially broken relationship without making things worse. Sometimes, when you want to avoid an amputation, a tourniquet will do.

STATEMENT:
“It hurts to have my brother turn on me after years of friendship and trust, but it shouldn’t be unexpected and it’s not my fault. I’ll be best off hiding the hurt, stopping the argument, and keeping things civil with someone I want to keep in my life, even if we’ll never be the same.”

I’m wondering whether I should try to do something to help my ex who I feel is spiraling into unhealthy (mentally and physically) old age (i.e., be my brother’s keeper rather than “let live”). He’s been acting weird, keeping strange pets and stranger company, and he moved to a rough part of town though he has the money to live wherever he wants. It’s like he’s having a late-life crisis. I know he’s got a bunch of medical problems and I wonder whether he’s taking care of himself. My goal is to figure out how far I should push him to get help.

Whether or not you should be your brother’s, or your ex’s, keeper is a meaningless question if you expect the answer to be yes or no. Nothing involving exes is simple (even their pets).

If you’re actually wondering how far you should go, that’s a terrific question for which there’s a good way to develop an answer of your own.

The trouble is, people usually approach this question in terms of weighing the pros and cons of the feelings involved: the bad feeling of anger, disappointment, resentment, vs. the good feeling of helpfulness, loyalty, and caring for your fellow man.

In real life, it’s a lose/lose, and you wind up reacting too much to your mood, the other’s guy’s attitude, your anger at his attitude, your guilt about your anger, and your determination to help someone across the street whether or not he wants to go.

After all, some people are naturally angry while others can’t stop giving and never get angry. So, as I always tell you, don’t let your feelings be your guide, or you’ll probably end up going off the cliff.

Ignore your anger (although that’s not your problem) and your desire to help (which sounds much closer to your natural style). Instead of being driven by your feelings, consult your values and draw up guidelines for balancing your wish to help an old flame vs. your right to live your own life and not waste time on old, unwinnable struggles.

In other words, if you know he won’t listen (because you or someone more persuasive has tried), save your breath. Be sure, however, that you’ve considered every reasonable possibility.

If you think there’s something helpful worth trying, do it, unless it’s someone else’s job; you’re the ex-wife, but there may be others who should step to the plate first, or he himself may be the only person who can do what needs to be done. Figure out where your boundaries are, and don’t overstep them or you’ll make things worse.

Finally, before trying to help him, figure out whether you can afford the cost. After all, you have other obligations, including taking care of yourself and managing your own possible rainy days, so remember, you’ve got a budget, and helping can become an obsession.

If you can think of any complications that these rules don’t cover, let me know. That you want to help is wonderful, but be careful to follow your guidelines and not push yourself to the point of danger, exhaustion, or conflict. Evaluate the situation on your terms, act accordingly, and you won’t end up getting hurt (by him or his menagerie).

STATEMENT:
“I wish my ex-husband well and want to honor the life and love we once shared. As always, however, I must keep in mind the limits of what I can do, accept possible helplessness, and remember my other obligations.”

I can’t count on my family for anything, and it’s gotten to the point where I think it would be best to cut ties altogether. Recently, when my father died, my brother, who was my dad’s favorite and the executor, managed to give himself most of the money, buy off my sister with a big gift, and give me nothing (he said he needed it more and my sister went along with it). I know I’ve always been the responsible older brother who worries and nags and takes responsibility for everyone, but I’ve finally woken up to the fact that no one worries about me. My goal is to stop feeling responsible and never see the jerks again.

The main reason to be your brother’s keeper is not to get gratitude or recognition, but to know that you’re being a good person. That’s why it’s important to do it and not overdo it and maybe become your brother’s occasional-watcher instead.

It’s likely you started taking care of them when you were younger, because people praised you for it, or it helped your family survive as a family. There’s always a good reason, but knowing why you did it usually doesn’t make a difference.

Now the question is, how good should you be to a brother and sister who have turned out to be jerks. It’s too bad they’re jerks, but you came out of your early family time knowing you did good and they didn’t come out as well. So, whether they’re ungrateful or avaricious, you still come out the winner.

The sad thing is that they didn’t turn out to be good people you could be friends with, which is what happens to many people with their siblings. If you don’t accept this fact, you’ll spend your time trying to get them to see their mistakes and improve. So accept it, mourn your loss, and prepare your own guidelines for being decent to sucky sibs.

As in the case above, don’t be guided by your feelings. Your values tell you that you will always have a connection and should always see to their basic safety. At the same time, their bad behavior will probably cause problems that you can’t fix, so don’t hold yourself responsible for fixing them. Their personalities are their problem, not yours.

Letting them know that you’re angry or critical usually does more harm than good, so don’t bother; instead of feeling guilty, they’ll just blame you and get nasty. This is a classic example of a Feelings Fart”™, when an explosive, emotional emission gives you temporary relief that actually poisons the air, and your relationship, for much longer.

That’s why it’s smarter to act nice, stay superficial, and keep it short from now on. You were a good brother growing up and you’re a good brother now, but you weren’t lucky, so you won’t get much satisfaction or reward from the sibs you helped raise.

Still, they are your family, so it’s better to keep them at arm’s length than cut them off entirely. You were your brother’s keeper, but you’d be better off just being a brother instead.

STATEMENT:
“I’m proud of being a responsible brother and I wish my sibs and I could be close, but they didn’t turn out to be people I could be friends with. Fortunately, I now have less to be responsible for, other than accepting them, keeping it pleasant, and looking elsewhere for trust and friendship.”

I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.

It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.

The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.

While you might think your stepfather’s rule is tyrannical, I’m sure, instead of just being a step-stereotype, he believes he’s doing what’s fair. He probably thinks that his son is both more vulnerable and less defiant than you are, so he can get a pass.

That means he also believes that you have less respect for his authority and are less grateful, given what he does to support you in your many activities, and that he’s made your life that much better since arriving on the scene and adding his parenting resources to your mother’s.

He struggles to be fair, and not only don’t you appreciate his efforts, you reward him with criticism, disrespect, and dislike. He sees himself as a benevolent leader, and you’re his unruly underling.

Of course, I’m not saying that he’s right, just that stepfathers are the way they are, and that your goal is to make the most out of life in your new family, not fall on your sword for the sake of freedom.

One technique you can use—which is almost as tough for adults, but there’s never any choice—is to try to ignore whether he thinks you’re a good kid or not, and just try to live up to your own idea of what that means. Again, mammals of all ages want approval, so this will be a challenge.

Still, try not to slack off or get defiant because he seems unappreciative or always wants more. Once you act negatively in response to him, you lose your strongest weapon, which is your belief that you’ve been pretty good.

Another technique is to try to make him feel more effective, regardless of how you yourself feel. Don’t lie, but go out of your way to appreciate what he does for the family. It’s called “being political,” which means focusing on the positive so as to make it easier to do business. It is also known as “talking out of your ass,” although you’re only talking truth.

Also, being positive takes your defiant behavior out of the problem. If you’re very positive and shut up about your complaints, and he still looks like he doesn’t like you, then you really know it’s not your fault and it has nothing to do with you.

And, by the way, you’re screwed, but you’re also off to college, anyway, since that scholarship seems to be in sight. Unlike your helpless stepbrother, you’ll get to flee your stepfather’s fucking unf**r dictatorship.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being treated unfairly and pushed to do more when I’m already over-worried and overworked, but I respect my mother’s attempt to create more security for our family by finding a partner, and I respect my own attempts to make things work when the feelings are basically pretty negative.”

My ex-husband drives me crazy with his worries about whether I’ve said something to upset our kids or over-stimulated them by introducing them to my boyfriend, whom I’ve been dating for a year. And God forbid I should traumatize them by having him sleep over during a visitation weekend. But I usually go along, because I think the kids are sensitive. What got me upset recently, however, was finding out that he’s taking the kids on a vacation along with his girlfriend. I think that will be just as hard on the kids, and my goal is to make sure he doesn’t expose them to inappropriate sexual intimacy.

It’s not good to try to make kids too happy, particularly during hard times. That’s not because you should worry about spoiling them, but because it’s often impossible to spare them pain, life being what it is, and you’re bound to fail. Then it’s one big unhappy family.

In this case, you can’t spare them the pain of adjusting to divorce or the fact that each parent now has a new partner, so don’t bury yourself in guilt, treat dating as a sin, and give the kids a power over you and your ex that will eventually make them guilty; one big unhappy family, two unhappy homes.

The good news is that, now that you’re divorced from your ex, you don’t have to share the same wrong values and make the same mistake together.

Before accepting the notion that kids should never have the possibility of seeing a parent in bed with anyone outside the holy bonds etc., ask yourself what makes it right or wrong to introduce a partner to your kids (eventually), and when is it right to tell your ex what to do about this issue (never).

On the first point, factor in your confidence in the partner’s capacity to make a long-term commitment, contribute to the family’s resources, and respond to intense emotions without over-reacting. Once you find a serious prospect, the best way to find out whether they have what it takes and can stand up to the shock of entering a pre-formed family is to welcome them in and do it as positively as possible.

Of course, you should spare the kids unnecessary pain, but the possibility of gaining a step-father for the family justifies some risk-taking, and there’s no point in feeling guilty if you’ve made the decision thoughtfully and for good reasons.

As to the question of telling your ex what to do, well, don’t. You can share your criteria, sure, but you’re not going to change your ex, and conflict usually causes more harm than good. If you were that good at negotiation things as a couple, you probably wouldn’t be divorced at this point.

If he exposes the kids to danger or unnecessary hurt, you may gather information that will invite court supervision. If you push him before there’s any obvious danger, however, you’ll look like a jealous ex who can’t let go.

Instead of worrying about and blaming each other for traumatizing the kids, drop the guilt, and get used to be one big family, period, with possible happiness on the horizon.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to remind the kids that their parents are divorced and there’s a new partner in my bed; but the best way to help them adjust is to be positive and assertive about welcoming my (well-vetted) friend into our family. They may have negative feelings, just as I have my fears. What I need to share, however, is my belief that the new partnership will improve our lives.”

My parents have been on my case for years to find a new girl and settle down. I’m not a particularly social guy, so it took a lot of work/internet dating to find my fiancée, an amazing, down-to-earth woman who was worth all the effort. The only trouble is, I know they’re not going to be happy about the fact that she’s not Catholic. I’m barely Catholic myself—I was raised Catholic obviously, but haven’t been to church since high school—and since my fiancée doesn’t have a religious bone in her body, I’m not about to ask her to convert. Still, my parents are going to be unhappy, and I’m sure it will show and it hurts me and will probably affect how welcome my fiancée feels in our family. My goal is to get my parents to see past our faith (or lack thereof).

While we can tell you to fuck feelings, it’s not that easy to tell your parents to do the same, if only because they believe that saying “fuck” can send you to hell.

More importantly, there’s nothing you can say that will change how they feel, and trying will just make their feelings more important, which they aren’t, and trigger a conflict no one can win.

Over time, a stable marriage and the arrival of grandchildren may change their minds, but for now, your words can’t. In any case, what’s most important is not how they feel, but whether you’ve chosen a good partner. The holy trinity of mom, dad, and Catholic guilt will have to suck it up.

It sounds like you’ve made a realistic, careful choice. You’re aware that it’s hard to find a partner who is both solid and compatible, in part because it took a long search. You describe the life you want to lead and the qualities of character you’re looking for, rather than how she looks or how wonderful she makes you feel.

These are all encouraging signs for a good-yet-godless marriage, which is more important, in the end, than pleasing your parents or a mandate to perpetuate their culture, religion, and beliefs, as well as their DNA.

So ignore the pain of their disapproval and be your own judge. Obviously, you believe you made a good compromise, given what your search turned up. Yes, their disapproval hurts, but the pain is worth bearing and is unavoidable.

You’ve been responsible about looking for a partner, but you can’t take responsibility for your parents’ feelings. Be prepared to state why you think your choice is a good one without making their feelings a factor; have the balls to stand by your choice and ignore what others think, whether or not god is on your side.

STATEMENT:
“After a long search, I’ve found a wonderful woman to be my partner. I’ve thought carefully about the strength and values she’ll bring to our family, as well as how well we both enjoy and tolerate one another, depending on circumstances, and I think we’re a great team and that I’m a lucky man. My parents may be disappointed by the fact that she’s not Catholic, but, in the end, I hope they’ll be won over by who she is and what we’re able to accomplish together.”

My ex-husband was, to use your term, an asshole. I married him young and learned my lesson too late; he never had a steady job (but it was never his fault), didn’t spend very much time with the kids, and was verbally abusive (even when he wasn’t smashed). I hid most of his bad behavior from the kids, so they were surprised we got a divorce, and now that I’m serious about a new guy, they’re both really, really upset. As far as they’re concerned, their father is blameless (and of course, he reinforces this idea since he sincerely believes he’s never done anything wrong in his life). I don’t want to tell them about the bad side of their dad, I just want them to have an open mind about my boyfriend, who’s a great guy who will almost certainly become their step-dad. He doesn’t deserve the treatment my kids give him, and even though they’re in high school and out of the house soon, I want everyone to get along. My goal is to get my kids to be nicer to their future step-dad without me having to throw their father under the bus.

The best way to get your kids to side with their asshole father is to try and control their feelings, either by pushing them to have good feelings about their prospective step-dad or bad feelings about their dad.

Remember, their dad believes he’s never done any wrong, and that’s what the kids will believe until they’re old enough to know better and/or share you without hating you. So no matter what you do, you’re ultimately just pushing them into his ever-loving asshole arms.

In the long run, the kids will probably find their own reasons to be disappointed in him. He may try to be the good guy, but assholes can never stop showing their true nature, sooner or later, because they’re never aware of what they’re doing wrong.

If the kids don’t eventually see through him, they’re idiots and there’s nothing you can do (a trait that certainly comes from his DNA).

Usually, however, time exposes character and will do your work for you, if you don’t mess things up by trying to control how the kids feel. No, you don’t have to let your kids be brats without consequences; but you shouldn’t force them to like your fiancé, either.

Like the guy in the case above, stand by your choice and make it clear that their feelings don’t matter, but their actions do. Don’t feel sorry for your boyfriend; if he’s too sensitive to the kids’ disapproval, he shouldn’t move into the house and probably doesn’t have the stones to be your partner.

If he loves you enough, he’ll find a way to continue the relationship; if not, then it’s not to be. You can’t get rid of your divorce or its impact on the kids; you can only find a guy with the right qualities to ride out the storm.

In the end, if your choice is right, your partnership will make you and the family more stable and the kids will come to appreciate that fact. Just stand your ground, don’t push, and your asshole ex will find a bus to throw himself under soon enough.

STATEMENT:
”I’ve chosen a new partner who is responsible, kind, and solid. We work well together. He likes kids. Ideally, I want someone my kids would like, but these other qualities are more important because they will decide, in the long run, how much support this partnership provides for me and, indirectly, for them. I will encourage them to see his strengths, but I won’t force them to like him or get close to him. I will, however, insist that they respect my decision by treating him properly.”

Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.

Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.

The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.

The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.

The process leaves no time for any other (boring, make-a-living) activities or relationships, positive or negative, and the good guys’ angry responses and efforts to expose the villain usually make them more vulnerable to slander in an endless vicious circle.

So enjoy validation if it comes your way, but don’t seek it out too intensely or your life will become ready for daytime. Besides, even if somebody sees what your mother’s really like, her behavior is not going to change. Sadly, you drew her number in the mother lottery and won a nut job.

Not to be indelicate, but, as you might have guessed, your mama sounds a little crazy. On the positive side, that basically means, while her behavior is erratic and sometimes cruel, it’s not personal, just like your cousin says.

She’s not motivated by anything except a blip in her brain, so keep that in mind when you’re tempted to “fight back,” because you can’t win against crazy, no matter who acknowledges how crazy she is.

Your goal then isn’t to out your mother as a witch from hell, but to keep doing whatever you think is positive, good for you, and likely to spring you free, like getting your schoolwork done, keeping busy with out-of-house activities, and keeping these goals in mind when she does blow up and accuse you of untold (and likely fictitious) evils.

There’s more good news in that it sounds like that’s what you’re doing; you’re not describing angry, “cry-for-help” drug-downing or cop-defying behavior that will accelerate the soap opera cycle at the expense of your health and future independence.

You’re moving ahead, regardless of anger and turmoil, and that’s what you need to do. Forget exposing her two faces, because nobody will be happy if the soap hits the fan.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a standard business plan for growing up with a closeted witch. “I’ve got good reason to believe I don’t do bad things unless she gets me mad, and I can’t stop her from getting me mad, even if the world knows it’s her fault, so I’ve got to believe in myself and pursue my regular goals, like schoolwork and building a life. I can’t expect to be happy when she gets going, but if I can keep my mouth shut and fight the temptation to join her in big, dramatic scenes, I’ll be doing a good job and acquiring an excellent training in how to be a therapist.”

I’m a psychotherapist with a small but thriving practice. I’m also recovering from an addiction to pain meds (please note: I cannot prescribe medication, nor can anybody in my practice, so there’s no ethics violation there, I got my pills like any other druggie would). I’ve been completely sober for three years now, but I’m afraid to be open about my problem with almost anyone, including my family, because I can’t see how people would respect or want to get help from someone who was as messed up as I was (and I know most drug counselors are addicts, but I think this is different). The problem is, I feel more stressed than ever. I’m burning out on my practice because I’m always staying late and trying hard to make sure everyone is settled before I let them out of my office. And I feel terrible about not spending enough time with my family, and I never have time for myself. I feel I’m in danger of slipping, but there’s no escape.

Your drug use might be under control, but right now, your life isn’t.

Your life is being managed by your need to do a perfect job and keep your patients safe and happy. Meanwhile, you’re running out of gas, losing credibility with friends and family, and slipping closer to the pit of pain pills.

You’re not at the wheel, your desires are, and we know where that road leads. Caring too much about how people feel and doing a perfect job are what got you into this mess in the first place.

You can’t make people happy, particularly if you’re a shrink. Patients are unhappy; that’s why they’re patients. So far, there’s no cure to life sucking, so, like a good physical therapist, your job is to use your time efficiently to offer coping tools. After that, it’s quitting time.

Sometimes people are helped; but sometimes they’re disappointed. Your job is to do a good professional job and then move on to other responsibilities.

Then there are patients who want to hold someone responsible for their unhappiness, and their therapist is target number one. They know you haven’t done enough, or you’ve done the wrong thing, or you need to do more. If you react too much to their beliefs, you’ll never leave the office.

Of course, you can’t stop being sensitive, because that’s your nature; I might as well ask you to start writing with your other hand or grow a foot overnight. Instead, accept your sensitivity and learn to manage it.

You need to take pride in how you manage your weaknesses and, to do that, you must first acknowledge them, not disown them. Out yourself and lay claim to the management credit you deserve.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a management directive. “I always feel better if people respect me and are happy with my work; but I will not let that need interfere with my building better self-control, limiting workaholism, and doing what I think is right to balance my life. The greater my weaknesses, the more right I have to be proud of what I’ve done with them and intend to do.”

I love my work, my kids, and my wife, but I have bipolar mood swings (and I’ve taken medication for years) that lead me to do things that get me into trouble. Recently, in spite of the medication, I felt a surge of energy and started to stay up late, sneak into my studio and paint. I’ve also started to drink again. I don’t want to change meds or let people know what’s happening because I want to keep my options open. I love the highs and the freedom, and I hate being told what to do, but I’ve got a demanding day job that doesn’t involve painting, and a wife who doesn’t like it, to say the least, when I’m not honest. So my goal is to get myself under control before people catch on to what’s really happening.

There are few fathers and husbands who can’t identify with the goal of wanting to feel special, have time to themselves, and avoid humiliating comments about eating, drinking, toileting or sleeping habits from their next of kin.

The fraction of these fathers who are dealing with mental illness and addiction to alcohol don’t want to be asked if they’ve been taking their medication or started drinking.

So, if your goal is to avoid immediate disrespect and hang on to your secret Van Gogh identity a little longer, then keep doing just what you’re doing.

On the other hand, if you want to avoid the long term chaos of going nuts, listening while your doctors try to find a mental hospital that also does alcohol detoxification and having your wife tell you that you’re not welcome home until you straighten out and maybe not then either…then you’ve got to give up on secrecy and come out of the out-of-control closet.

That’s because it takes a powerful part of your personality to make a good guy risk his health and marriage for the joy of a very, very good but relatively brief mood and paintings that will never reach Sotheby’s. It takes a demon.

Lots of people have demons—they pay my bills—and it’s a waste of time to figure him out instead of looking for ways to manage him better, all of which require you to face and ‘fess up to your (or should I say his) possession.

Sorry, but it’s almost impossible to gain control of a demon without acknowledging that he’s A, there, and B, can’t be extirpated or exorcised (except through lobotomy). That’s because he gains strength from being hidden.

So tell your wife and trusted friends about your problem, share your story with similarly possessed people, discard false shame, and do your best to keep the demon under control.

In recovery, they say you’re only as sick as your secrets; admit your secrets, and you can keep your demon at bay.

STATEMENT:
Here’s what you need to say to yourself (and others). “I’m living a good life, but it isn’t easy. My priorities are to make a living and raise a family, but there’s a part of me that wants to drink and paint and stay up late and enjoy the bipolar highs, and sometimes that part takes control, particularly when I think I’ve beaten him for good. Making my problem public is the best way to strengthen my self-control. I respect my willingness to humiliate myself for a good cause.”

My girlfriend and I keep breaking up without ever really getting together. She’s obviously interested in me, or she wouldn’t keep calling, and I can sense her sincerity. We have a good time together when we get a chance to go out. Whenever we’re at the stage of taking things to a new level, however, like we’ve been talking every day for a couple weeks, she’ll suddenly drop out of contact for a few days and then act like nothing’s happened and I shouldn’t expect her to be that available. A couple times when she dropped out, it was because she couldn’t decide whether to get back together with an old boyfriend. That’s no longer the issue, so I thought we were clear to go, but we can’t seem to take off. I’d like to know if I’m doing something wrong or if there’s a way she could get help.

Don’t trust your feelings to tell you whether someone is really interested. Feelings are easily fooled and love is blind; watch her feet and see what they have to say.

This girl’s feet are doing the cha-cha-cha, one step forward, one back, quick shuffle, one more back, one forward, another shuffle, and repeat. She likes to dance with you, but that doesn’t mean she’ll ever move forward or make you her number one partner.

If you trust your feelings, then you must ask yourself what you’re doing wrong, which keeps you stuck with her and introduces you to doubt, depression, and me. It costs you time and money to stay at the mindfuck disco.

Ask yourself what you’re dancing for. It’s not because you need to dance (though you do), but because you’re looking for a partner, which requires you to know what you’re looking for and keep your feelings out of it until you’re sure you’ve got a likely candidate.

One of the requirements—I know, it’s amazing that I can read your mind, but remember, I went to Harvard—is that someone has a good track record with relationships. No one who does the cha-cha-cha need apply, ever.

Don’t tell me that’s easier said than done. First, I’ll tell you it’s harder if you don’t do it, so you don’t have a choice. Second, given today’s theme, I’ll tell you you’re possessed by a demon who loves attention and wants to dance and you have a hard time keeping him in check.

Your goal is to make a solid, independent choice, regardless of your short-term needs. Cowboy up, be a grown-up and give yourself the benefit of solid, caring protection and a nice, sturdy, one-on-one waltz.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement, in case your demon (or sometime dance partner) asks why you can’t, at least, enjoy a nice, friendly talk. “I don’t think our chemistry is right for what I’m looking for, though we certainly have a good connection. Spending time with one another right now doesn’t take either one of us in the right direction.”

When my mother starting dating my soon-to-be-step-father, I was upset. It’s not just that my father had only died six months earlier, but that this guy was clearly a user and a nowhere near good enough for her. I’m in college, so at least I didn’t have to live under the same roof as this jerk, but I’ve already gone out of my way to avoid him and it’s really annoyed my mom that I haven’t tried to get along with him. Plus it means I’ve spent last time with her, and we used to be really close. When she told me they were going to get married, I freaked out, and now she’s says that if that’s how I feel then I’m not invited to the wedding. I think what my mom and I need is a face-off to get everything on the table and sort out this mess. My goal is to get my mom back.

You’ve got every reason to worry about your mother’s taste in men and its impact on your relationship; after all, her choice has the potential to cause you (and possibly her) great pain, at a time when you’re grieving your father’s death.

Unfortunately, however, all you can do is worry, and after that, you’re fucked. There’s nothing you can do to make things better and lots to make things worse.

Sometimes people feel that grieving entitles them to special consideration, but those people are delusional.

Loss triggers the worst in everyone bereaved, which becomes a chain reaction. Death is hard, but so is life, and you don’t get to cut in entitlement line.

If you go with your feelings—and you’re entitled to them—you’ll make things much worse. You want a face-off because you want to believe you could get through to your mother in a one-to-one conversation. Confrontation is supposed to be “empowering,” which is usually code for, “a giant waste of time.”

You’ll tell her she’s being stupid and insensitive to your feelings, and she’ll tell you you’re an immature brat, and you’ll both repeat yourselves several times at higher volume until the talk is over and no subsequent talks will be scheduled until her third wedding anniversary (or, as you see it, her messy divorce).

Remember, Hamlet had it even worse. True, he had even more reason to be angry (his stepfather had murdered his father and was eager to get him out of the way, the play he wrote for his mother failed to get his point across and got bad reviews, etc).

Being a character in a play, however, he naturally had lots and lots of feelings, all of which he communicated, and his family situation definitely deteriorated as a result. You see, there’s lots you can learn from Shakespeare, namely, ye shall shut up.

Your broader goal isn’t to vent your spleen and get mama back (which won’t happen), but to minimize the damage to yourself and avoid drawing your mother and fiancé together in an alliance based on her fight with you.

Instead, keep your feelings to yourself. Lie low, finish your studies, eat cake at the wedding. Choose peace with your mother over your worries and righteous indignation, because no matter how much you hate her choices, choosing to suck it up is probably what your father would want.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep you on course. “I’ve lost the family that I thought was my rock. I don’t know when I’m going to stop hurting. What mattered most to my dad is that I finish my studies and try to support Mom and if that’s impossible, try to stay out of fights. I can’t salvage or rescue my family or stop the pain but if I can keep on course, with all the sadness, loneliness, and irritation I feel, I’ll have accomplished something amazing.”

I was a real fuck-up when I was in high school; I cut a lot of class, got high a lot, got my girlfriend pregnant…she ended the pregnancy, but it was a huge mess. My oldest and only son is now 13, but he’s already becoming a chip off the old block. We’ve always gotten along so well, and I thought we were still getting along, but then I found pot in his room and my wife said she found a condom wrapper in the trash. We live in my wife’s small hometown, so nobody knows about my history, but now my son is going to have to walk around with that reputation, nevermind that he might ruin his future or end up with child support. My goal is to get my son to snap out of it and not fuck up his future.

It’s great that you and your son are good buddies, and that you understand him well, so don’t wreck things by trying to over-control his choices.

Yes, of course you’d like to save him the pain you went through, and you’re terrified of what might happen if he lacks the luck that kept you out of serious trouble. If you act on your feelings, however, you’ll turn your buddy into an enemy, and probably a nightmare.

Look at the bright side; he’s still at home, and you have lots of opportunity to give him good advice and back it up with incentives that are extra strong because he’s relatively dependent. (It’s much harder after he has a car and job).

You understand his problems, having had them yourself, so if you can just keep your emotions safely under wraps, you can be the good coach you never had yourself—you’re in his own live-in “scared straight,” without the scaring him part.

So, in order to be useful to him, start by creating a boundary between what you think will help your son and what your feelings want you to express that would not be helpful.

It’s helpful to discourage marijuana use with whatever monitoring and enforcement system you like, but it’s not helpful to tell him he’s bad, ungrateful or defiant (even if he is), or to present your efforts as punishment, or to generally give him a bad guy to rebel against.

It’s helpful to discourage unsafe sex and unsafe relationships, the latter being those that are overly close and therefore likely to blow up with lots of rage, misery, and distraction. It’s not helpful to tell him he’s got to follow your rules or else.

As an overall rule, it’s helpful to share your own vulnerability to the needs and desires that are pulling at him and state your reasons, based on experience, for not giving in to them.

It’s not helpful to portray yourself as morally superior or as a frightened protector of his image in town. He doesn’t need a visit from the ghost of ruined reputations future. Sure, you’re more his dad than his friend, but being his dad doesn’t make you his judge. Be reasonable, and he might just follow your lead.

STATEMENT:
Give yourself a pep-talk before trying it out on him. “I shouldn’t be surprised that my son has my own impulsivity and eagerness to try everything, and those are good qualities if he can learn how to manage them. It will be no easier for me to control his behavior than it was for my parents with me. Judging from that experience, I’ll get nowhere showing him anger or fear. So I’ll choose my battles carefully and explain my limits in terms of their long-term benefit and try to look calm and friendly, regardless of how I really feel, and hope for the best.”

I need to stay married because, while I work a pretty demanding job, my wife stays at home and watches our two kids, whom she adores. The problems are, however, (and there are many): she doesn’t work because of a migraine disorder that’s so debilitating that she’s on disability, and she takes too many non-prescription pain pills for those headaches, and, while they don’t make her a bad parent (I know the kids are safe), they often make her, in your words, a really needy, grumpy asshole and an impossible woman to be married to. I never know when she’s going to kick me out of the bedroom, scream at me in front of friends, or nod off after dinner. Needless to say, she won’t try marriage counseling or cutting back on the pills and thinks I’m bullying her if I suggest we have a problem. I can’t leave her, because it’d break the kids’ hearts, plus, like I said, she provides childcare, which is not something I could afford on my salary, and if I lost custody of the kids, I’d be in a worse hell than I am now. I know I can’t leave, but I don’t think I can live like this much longer. My goal is to find a better way to survive.

You’ve got good marital reasons for staying vs. leaving (the kids, the kids, the kids, and money, but also, the kids). There’s no escaping the fact, however, that her headache is infectious, and you’ve got it, too.

You’ve obviously built up a good, solid tolerance for living with your wife’s problems without fighting all the time, and your values and perspective are great. Which is why you probably already know that your goal is impossible.

Although the pain of living like this is pretty bad, it’s unavoidable, and the alternative, which you’re realistic about, is worse. The question then becomes, is there anything you can do to make things better.

If by “things” you mean hanging on to your initial hopes of a peaceful goodnight kiss, talk-things-out, happy-Mother’s-Day kind of marriage, then the best way to make your relationship better is to give up on your dream, take out your hankie, weep, blow your nose, and get on with it.

As you probably know already, trying to manufacture that kind of relationship using the reality of headache, drug abuse, and unrestrained nastiness will get you ripped up and make things worse for the kids. You probably already know this because you live it everyday.

On the other hand, if, by making things better, you mean minimizing pain and maximizing stability (instead of making your dreamiest dreams of a tranquil union come true), then discard the old conventions and remember the calming power of a wall, whether it’s made of bricks, silence, politeness, or emotional restraint. Hopefully, all of above.

Don’t be ashamed to show that you and your wife are not on the same page; fuck convention, because trying so hard to get on the same page is impossible and killing you both. Don’t be mean, but don’t hesitate to separate whenever you think the alternative won’t work.

Friends and kids may urge you to make nice, kiss, communicate, and listen to the minister/couples therapist. Don’t. Be ready to stand by your own idea of what works best.

Your wife copes with her worries by maintaining a steady diet of denial and pills, but that’s working for her and no one else. You can make everyone happy by being less of a good husband, more of a good roommate, and always a good dad.

STATEMENT:
“My relationship with my wife is very important. We’ve tried hard to stay close, despite a number of unresolvable problems, and too much closeness seems to make things worse. We still believe it’s best to stay and work together. What helps most are arrangements that allow us to live, work, and sleep separately when the tension or disagreements are too emotionally intense. I refuse to talk with her—with or without a helper in the room—about our anger and the issues behind it, because it opens the door on bad feelings and impossible expectations that invariably cause more pain. If, however, the talk is about ways of accepting and managing our differences and disengaging when we must, then I’m open to new suggestions.

I thought I could help my 13-year-old step-daughter after I married her father and taught him how to set some limits with her, but what’s happened is that he continues to be a can’t-say-no, don’t-damage-her-self-esteem wuss, she continues to raise hell to show him how much she hates her evil stepmother, and I’m starting to worry about her bad influence on my own 7-year-old girl. My stepdaughter is not just a brat; she’s already gotten suspended twice for drinking at school. Yes, twice. Our therapist can’t seem to get my husband to take a stand and has started to get down on me about how angry I am and she’s right, I’m starting to hate both my husband and his daughter. I don’t want to lose this marriage or act like an evil stepmother but I also want to protect my own girl.

Not every mixed family can end up like the Brady Bunch. Especially when Jan’s got a flask, Marsha’s pouring, and Cindy’s thirsty.

Once again, if what you want is a conventional, all-healed-up family, you can’t have it. It would be nice, but you gave it a good try and, as often happens in real life, you can never count on getting what you don’t control.

So if that’s what you want, and you keep trying to get your husband to take a stand, or stop your stepdaughter from misbehaving, or make sure bad influences can’t reach your own child, you’ll make things worse. As above, the first thing you can do to make things better is: give up on the idea of one happy family.

Decide for yourself whether what you’ve got is worth keeping; ask whether your husband–the-wuss is a good-enough partner when his daughter isn’t acting up and whether there’s a good chance that your stepdaughter’s troubles won’t gobble up your savings or infect your younger daughter.

If it’s worth staying, then cast aside convention, resign as a strong stepmother, and become a wise consort.

Yes, people (including your husband) may criticize you for not being more nurturing and involved in the life of your troubled stepdaughter. Assuming you aren’t, however, you’re free to avoid disciplining her or having much to do with her unless she asks for your help and is reasonably well behaved.

You can keep your door locked. You’re not punishing her; you’re just avoiding issues that can only end badly. In the meantime, you can remind your daughter how you expect her to behave, no matter what her step-sisters do, and remind yourself that it’s better to be an ex-step-mother than an evil one.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that makes clear your distance is not intended to punish or demean. “I love my husband but it’s become clear to me, after trying hard, that I can’t make a positive contribution to raising his child. There’s no one to blame. Her age and our chemistry are simply wrong. The best way for us to manage our relationship is to keep it friendly but formal and avoid my assuming any parental authority. By this I do not mean to criticize her or withhold love; merely to make the best of a family relationship.