My father’s always been a heavy drinker (if he is an alcoholic, he’s “high functioning”), but I love him, and I’ve always tried to make him proud. When he’s really sloshed, however, he tends to go on a lot about how much he loves my older brother, who’s a lawyer, and how impressed he is with him, and how great that brother is, and on and on until everyone else around him feels awkward (and any siblings that are around are pissed). It really gets under my skin, particularly when we’ve been matching one another drink for drink, but then I just feel guilty for being angry at my father when, after all, I’m a grown up who should be too old for this kind of thing, and, really, he’s a nice guy. My goal is to get myself to be less sensitive to the fact that I’m not Dad’s favorite.

There’s good news and bad news here; you’re right not to let fly with your resentment, but you’re wrong to expect your hurt feelings to go away.

If you’re a sensitive person, then you can’t stop the hurt, but you can stop it from hurting yourself or others. The trick is to shut your mouth, because, that way, you don’t let anger out, or alcohol in.

There’s nothing wrong with feeling hurt by your dad’s favoritism. He’s not simply someone you love who favors someone else, but he’s also the alpha male of your old dog pack, the leader who is supposed to reward hard work and good behavior and discourage laziness and crime.

That means that if he plays favorites, then there’s disorder in the pack, and everyone gets spooked and resentful and has to watch his own back. You don’t have to be a dog whisperer (Dad whisperer?) to know that will bring out the bad side in everyone. Weak leaders can be very nice guys, but weak leadership hurts like hell.

So don’t blame yourself for being childish and needy. If you feel guilty, you’ll let him keep spouting off, and, in the end, you’ll feel more upset, angry, helpless, and guilty, and so on. Passive tolerance will just make you more hateful, so fuck it.

Just leave him alone when he wants to do too much opinion-sharing about the old days. Opinions about the Red Sox, you’re all ears. About the family, you’ve got to answer your email.

Take advantage of the fact that you’re a grown up, you’ve got a right to render your own judgments, and you don’t have to listen to anyone else’s. Don’t define your leadership by confronting, insulting or facing down the old alpha dog.

STATEMENT:
Create your own rating system and stay focused on it. “When I was young, my father’s approval was the main measure of my performance. Now that I’m a grown up, I have a right to judge for myself, disagree with the judgment of others, and refuse to engage in further discussion with someone who disagrees with me. That, and sex and eating desert first, are the nice parts of being a grown-up.”

I want to create a start-up (I’ve worked in the tech industry for a long time), and I’ve assembled a board, put together a business plan and I’m looking for financing, all the basic steps. Meanwhile, I think I’m about to lose my day job because I feel tired all the time, and haven’t been getting my assignments done. I’ve tried to explain to my boss that I’m not feeling well, but I don’t really like my job, and it’s hard to look like I give a shit. My goal is to figure some way to get motivated about my regular job so I can keep it while I continue to pursue my own business.

Karl Marx defined work as doing things you don’t like to do because you need the money (or was it Zeppo), but if you wait until good feelings about your job motivate you to work, you’ll probably get fired many times over.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to work at something you like to do, but most people aren’t that lucky and those that are don’t control it.

In this country, you have a right to hate your job (suck it, Karl!), but you don’t have a right to express that hate unless you have a trust fund and don’t need the money. Otherwise, you have a right to remain silent and look for other work and shut the fuck up until you find it.

You also have a right to be more interested in being a rich CEO—the very idea may give you happy daydreams–but you don’t have a right to daydream while you’re supposed to be working, as it will get you fired, and then you’re screwed on all counts.

Think of your boss as your most important client. No one is telling you to lick his ass, but he has purchased the right to 8 hours a day of your polite attention and a good day’s work. Then you’ll have the chance to start your own business and become an asshole CEO yourself.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a daily statement to keep your inner CEO under control. “Some people might respect me more if I’m a CEO. What I respect myself for is providing a good day’s work for my wages, particularly when the work is not prestigious and doesn’t make me happy, because that’s the biggest challenge I can think of.”

My roommate calls me the Ritalin vampire, because once my meds run out around 5, I become a different person (or really just a depressed, anxious mess). My mood drops so low so fast, and my nerves become so raw, that I have to drink just to get through the evening and get some sleep. It’s obviously driving my roommate crazy, but more than that, it’s messing up my life—I wake up hung-over, my boss is pissed, I feel sick all the time, so even when I’m not anxious and wired when I’m on my meds, I still feel like shit. My goal is to figure out how to get my ADD under control when the sun is down.

Most Ritalin users don’t have a terrible comedown with severe anxiety every time their meds wear off—what you have isn’t normal ADD, but ADD plus anxiety, plus, probably, alcohol dependence.

The medical term for your three-pronged disorder is a trifuckedta. Surprise, the prognosis ain’t so hot.

You might say, yes, that’s what I mean, I’m really, really, really fucked and that’s why I need three times as much help.

Here’s the hard part, though; there’s no good treatment, and nothing, but nothing, is likely to solve these problems to your satisfaction. Now that we have that out of the way, however, you know your goal is not to be fulfilled, so we can discuss how to make the best of things (starting with getting off the bottle).

Yes, I know you can’t stand the anxiety, but there are alternatives to booze. By learning some relaxation techniques and trying out some non-addictive meds, you too can get used to the idea that people often have to, and do, live with chronic pain.

Alcohol will make your anxiety worse in the long run, regardless of how much fast relief it provides, and letting alcohol and/or anxiety control your decisions will toilet your life in short order, causing more anxiety, more drinking, and more business for me (no, of course, I won’t waste your time, but everyone who loves you will be looking for help and running into my ever-loving arms).

Second, ask yourself whether you can reduce your weekly Ritalin consumption by changing your job and/or learning some organizational tricks that will help you keep it together even when your mind is flying apart.

Yes, there are a few medication strategies that might reduce your distress—trying another stimulant or adding a low dose in the late afternoon may help—but don’t expect a cure, or you’ll feel just as entitled to your medicinal alcohol as ever, and we’re back at square one.

Third, you need a philosophy for dealing with impulses and chronic pain. You can get it from the right parts of the Bible and other religious texts, the right friends/relatives/therapists, AA or similar groups, Neil Diamond records, whatever speaks to you. You’ll find it when you’re looking for strength, not relief.

I know, easier said than done, but don’t think for a moment you have a choice. Living with the trifuckeda isn’t easy, but your current choices are actually making life harder. Get sober, get your meds in order, get some good support, and get out of vampire mode for good.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep you on track. “Because of my ADD and anxiety, I expect most of my decisions will be painful trade-offs between getting things done, tolerating pain, and controlling dangerous habits. On any day that I hit a healthy balance, I deserve great respect, regardless of how I feel at the end of the day, which will seldom be happy.”

My boyfriend and I are starting to get serious, but I’m not sure whether to move in together or break it off. On the one hand, he’s funny, caring, smart, and generally a good guy. On the other hand, he struggles with ADD, which is the reason he’s amassed massive credit card debt, and because he’s ashamed of his ADD, he didn’t tell me about it until we were dating for a year (that’s when he admitted to me that he had a problem and took medication). I don’t want to hold his disorder against him, because it’s not his fault and I don’t want to make his shame any worse, but I also don’t want to commit to a life with someone prone to major screw-ups. My goal is to make a decision based less on feelings (good, right?) and more on what’s smart.

Look at the positive: your boyfriend’s ADD may well be part of his most likeable qualities, including humor, spontaneity, and an ability to connect with others. In the right circumstances, it may help him make a living.

At its best, ADD is a style, not a disorder. I know, it’s called a disorder, but don’t believe it. It’s a disorder when you have to study in a classroom or do bookkeeping, but when you have to think of ideas or be at a party, it’s a huge help.

As for his sins, the cover-up is usually worse than the crime. If he lied about his credit card debt and spent more effort inventing reasons for his fuck-ups than correcting them, then he’s in trouble, as is anyone who depends on him.

The problem then isn’t his ADD, it’s the avoidant habits that have taken over his character and undermined his integrity. You’re saying he’s better than that; he ‘fessed up, and I assume he really wants to do better rather than slide by with a diagnostic excuse.

So here’s how you can check him out. See whether, with your help, he can set up a savings plan and retire the credit card debt (but by help, I don’t mean nagging). What you want to know is whether he can use you as a coach, friend, and provider of structure, not as a nag or mother.

Ask yourself whether you’re good at doing the things that are hard for him; (if you’re both hopeless with schedules and budgets, you won’t be good for one another). Work together and see if it works, and by work, I don’t mean feeling the joy of helping or taking care of him. I mean imagining the two of you getting the job done, whatever it is you want to do together, and with each doing his/her share.

Your boyfriend has problems, but, believe it or not, ADD might not be one of them. So assess his qualities as you would any other guy, without emotions (bravo!), or excuses.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to guide the next phase of your partnership search. “I’ve found someone I love and respect, but I need to know whether he can manage his baggage and whether it will prevent us from being good partners. So, instead of avoiding the pain of going through stressful situations together, I’ll embrace them and see what they tell me.”

Do you think sex addiction is a real disease that needs therapy, or is it a way to make a big deal out of nothing that helps cheaters and the people they cheat on feel better while people in your business get paid? I love my wife—we’ve been together for almost 20 years—but I don’t think anyone would say I have an disease because I grab a little extra action if the opportunity comes along. I don’t think she knows I’m not faithful, it doesn’t happen that often, and I don’t think it hurts our marriage at all. It’s not like I have a steady mistress; I just end up going home with women I meet when I’m traveling sometimes, because it’s nice to feel young and like I haven’t lost it, whatever it is. As far as I can tell, everyone wins, because I feel better and my wife is less annoyed by my constant begging for sex. So my goal is to figure out if the way I live my life, which seems to be A-OK, is actually reason to go into rehab.

To rehab, or not to rehab. That is the question.

You’re raising the timeless question, and obviously, we’re not going to tell you to let your feelings be your guide, or, for that matter, your daddy, your minister, your rehab counselor, or your parakeet, Ray.

As to the validity of sex addiction, it either doesn’t matter, or it depends on your definition of illness. I define illness as something wrong with your body that’s personal, important, and out-of-control, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s cellular or behavioral, neurological or psychiatric. Or kinky.

Some people have lots of guilty feelings over nothing, others have no guilty feelings ever, and others are swayed by whomever they spoke to (or whatever website they read) last.

In reality, you can figure out the answer to the rehab riddle yourself if you’re willing to push aside false hope and wishful thinking, as well as unreasonable guilt.

Wishful thinking is believing there’s no risk of anyone’s getting hurt because, so far, no one has been hurt; that’s what it means to think with the little head. Unreasonable guilt is feeling so bad about having sinned that the only way of getting relief is to do it again.

That said, let’s look realistically at the risks and benefits of a sexual adventure. The benefit is a good (or even great) feeling, but the risk is that, despite your efforts to be discrete, your cover may get hit by an STD, a partner’s passionate clinginess or nastiness, or some other accident. You’re the one who knows best what happens after the great reveal in terms of your wife’s feeling hurt and/or deciding to end your partnership.

Whatever happens, it will involve lots of pain for you and your wife (and your kids if you have them), and lots of business for yours truly, never mind realtors, lawyers, jewelers, you name it.

For most people, that kind of marital apocalypse is an emotional and financial catastrophe. On the country music timeline, begin with “My Cheating Heart” and wind up “Sleeping Single in a Double Bed.”

You may think you’re in the clear if your partner subscribes to an “open marriage” and tells you she doesn’t believe in jealousy. Again, if that’s what you’d like to hear, don’t trust your ears until you ask yourself what she’s really likely to do, given all you know about her and her past relationships.

Remember, you’re not asking for permission from your mama; you’re the papa and a grown-ass man whose job is to figure out how things will really work out for the entire family.

So don’t wait until you’re scared by the evening news or local preacher or shrink to find whether or not to rehab. Look at the risks realistically and then do what you think is right.

If you decide to stop and can’t, then look for whatever help is simplest, cheapest, and most available and move on to costly treatments only if you absolutely have to. Remember, as much as you’d like to think that the costliest intervention—a month at Betty Ford—is more likely to give you the strongest, most permanent, temptation-resistant self-control, it’s not so.

If your sexual behavior is out-of-control and can do serious damage, and there’s a treatment that might work, then it’s worth a try. Start cheap, however, before you plunk down a college-tuition’s worth, and remember that treatment may not work. Or you can keep going, and pay the equivalent of my entire Harvard bill during your divorce.

Either way, the decision is ultimately yours, and hopefully things will work out better for you than they did for rehab Hamlet.

STATEMENT:
Write up a risk-reminder before the next time you leave town. “There’s nothing wrong with the pleasure of being attractive but there’s lots wrong with what can happen next. If I think the risks of causing harm are too great, I’ll do my best to avoid temptation. I may feel like a nervous wimp who’s afraid of what other people think. In reality, I’m doing what’s necessary to manage my life and do what’s right.”

When I was a teenager, I used to shoplift a lot, and I stopped, like a lot of kids, when I turned 18 and could get into real trouble with the law. That was a long time ago, and while I haven’t stolen anything from a store with a price tag on it since then, I do, and I’m not proud of this, grab any freebies I can get my hands on. For example, everything from the sugar packets to the toilet paper in my house is taken from local coffee shops. I want to stop doing it, because I’m really ashamed of the habit and I know it’s stupid, but I honestly feel like I can’t help myself. My goal is to stop taking things, whether or not they’re free.

Any behavior that doesn’t measure up to your standards of control will make you feel bad, but if control-of-everything was important, then those iron-willed guys who like to see how long they can hold their fingers in a flame (you notice they never hazard other body parts) or tolerate vigorous self-lashing would be the most virtuous, instead of the most insane.

Your goal then isn’t to feel in control (or put any vulnerable body parts at risk); it’s to have enough control over the controllable things that really matter.

You can judge the importance of any behavioral control problem by asking yourself how much harm the problem is likely to cause and how hard it is to control.

Don’t question whether it’s an addiction or not, or, at least, don’t do it more than once. Questions about whether or not you need withdrawal symptoms to define something as an addiction, or what the difference is between addictive and obsessive behaviors, help you dodge the tough question you don’t want to face, namely, how you’re going to deal with it.

Instead of debating the nature of addiction, ask yourself whether you have bigger behavior problems that are harder to notice, like, say, not doing enough with your life. Often a weakness for petty thievery is a sign that you don’t have other goals that are more important.

So add up the risk assessment of your out-of-control behavior. No, you’re not likely to get arrested, but you’re not going to like yourself for the fact that whoever sits down on the can after you’re finished, both with the toilet and taking the TP, is in for a nasty surprise. You need to ask yourself whether you’ve got better things to do with your time and, if not, what are you going to do about it.

Don’t ask yourself whether this sin will prevent you from getting into heaven, or even whether it will cause you embarrassment. Instead, imagine that your time is running out, and then wonder whether you’ve taken on enough meaningful tasks in life, like making a living and caring for others, to make you proud, with or without an iron-will.

STATEMENT:
Keep your smaller guilts from interfering with your bigger concerns. “I don’t always like my behavior or control it as well as I should, but I do my best with the bigger, harder responsibilities of life and that’s the source of my pride.”

In the last ten years, I’ve heard voices in my head and most doctors describe my symptoms as psychosis, but nobody can tell me exactly what’s wrong, or find a medication that makes them go away, or really do anything but listen to me give them my laundry list of “how I’m crazy” and try to take the problem apart. In the meantime, I’m struggling to hold onto my job, my wife is struggling to put up with me, and my kids (now grown) just worry and get more distant. My disease stays the same, my life gets worse, my diagnosis goes nowhere. My goal is to figure out what is causing the symptoms, get a real diagnosis, and make real progress.

I wish the word diagnosis meant “we know what’s wrong and what to do,” but it often doesn’t, except in certain special cases. (Like, right now I feel safe diagnosing your reaction as disappointment.)

Very often, all a diagnosis means is that we recognize a group of symptoms that often travel together in the same social circle, and often get a little bit better when they’re treated with a particular group of medications. Tada.

That’s almost always true when the doctor making the diagnosis is a psychiatrist, because we know less about mental illnesses than almost every other kind of illness (and less about the brain then we do about any other part of the body).

We really should use some other word than “diagnosis,” but we don’t, because we love to think we know more than we do, which goes to prove that doctors are just as vulnerable to idiot false hopes as everyone else.

Some people put a premium on hope of any kind, but false hope is dangerous, because we pay for it with unrealistic expectations that lead to feelings of failure. You expect that, once you get the right diagnosis, you’ll get the right treatment, but I diagnose that assumption as bullshit.

In the psych business, if a treatment turns out to work, then you’ve got a sort-of diagnosis about what’s wrong. That’s as good as it gets.

The bad news is that the experts have much less to offer than you (or they) would wish, but the good news is that you can help yourself by doing a regular risk-benefit analysis of your symptoms and the various treatments, regardless of whether or not your symptoms fall under a neat umbrella or not.

Ask yourself how desperate you are to improve your symptoms, not just because you feel bad or want to be normal, but because they get in the way of what matters in your life, like work and relationships. Your treatment choices include some high risk options, so you need to decide, right from the beginning, whether getting rid of them is worth exposing yourself to the equivalent of cancer chemotherapy, or just Advil.

From what you say, it isn’t clear whether your symptoms are causing you nearly as much trouble as your shame of having them. If you can ignore them, get your work done, and have a decent conversation with your wife, then maybe they aren’t worth pursuing unless the treatment is fairly safe. On the other hand, if they’re driving you and everyone else crazy (them figuratively, you literally), then go for the big guns (“big” as in “risk of nasty side effects”).

Use what you know about treatments to classify them into low, medium, and high risk. Then review the treatments you’ve tried in the past to see whether there’s anything left, in any category, that is still worth trying.

If you’re really desperate for a diagnosis, here’s your second opinion from a real MD—you’re nuts. I prescribe giving up on naming exactly what’s wrong with you and moving forward on figuring out what treatments are worth what risk.

STATEMENT:
Now you’re ready to make your own decisions. Keep yourself on course with a set of directions: “My job isn’t to get rid of my symptoms, it’s to manage them as effectively as possible while going on with my life. I’ll compare the risk of treatment with the risk of having the symptoms continue. Once I’ve made my decision, I’ve done a good job, regardless of what happens to my symptoms, and, if they don’t go away, my job is to ignore them and avoid doctor visits and treatments unless I think they’re absolutely necessary.”

My 10-year-old son has afternoon tantrums that are really, really hard to watch. He screams, kicks, and cries, and nothing my wife and I (or anyone else) do can stop him or calm him down. We finally took him to a psychiatrist, and he told us our son’s probably bipolar, and that we should try one of those drugs you see on TV, but the side effects sound brutal. I don’t know if I want to put my son through that, but I do know things can’t continue the way they are now. Our goal is to make his tantrums better.

A lot has been made recently about the increase in cases of bipolar disorder among children. Some people are quick to point to household toxins poisoning children, while others think that drug companies are inventing problems to make a buck. The reality is probably something far less sinister—semantics.

Adults who get manic symptoms (that’s what we generally mean by the diagnosis “bipolar”, that and not much more) were holy terrors at a young age, so it’s tempting for well-meaning and helpless-feeling psychiatrists to wonder whether the adult symptoms could have been prevented with early treatment.

The trouble is, the number of kids with bad tantrums who eventually develop manic “bipolar” symptoms is probably pretty low, it’s hard to determine, and none of the experts can do more than make a rough guess.

So don’t get spooked by spooks, screaming, or diagnoses. As you learned above, the predictive power of a psych diagnosis is limited and doesn’t tell you much (we wish that weren’t true), and parents who live with a kid are usually much better able to make a risk assessment than a shrink who sees him for an hour.

For example, these tantrums seem really scary—and loud tantrums are rattling—but you’re not saying there’s a risk of serious injury to life, limb, pet, teacher, or classmates, so maybe the overall risk isn’t all that high (except in terms of eardrum damage, embarrassment, and fear). And if you’re afraid for his future, remember, there are lots of nice guys who were holy terrors at his age.

The other troublesome thing is that the medications that (sometimes) make bipolar symptoms better pose moderate risks themselves, particularly when they’re taken for longer than a few days. These risks (and don’t tune out the way you do when a cheery television voiceover recites a list of catastrophes as if they’re unlikely) include weight gain, diabetes, high cholesterol, and/or kidney or thyroid damage. That doesn’t include the long-term effects we don’t know about, since we’ve done no testing on what taking drugs like this can do to kids over time.

If, after a reasonable risk-assessment, you feel the situation is desperate, then the risk of trying these drugs despite the lack of testing might be worth it.

Review the types of treatment and their risks. There’s behavioral treatment, which is lowest risk and always worth trying, except when a kid is in too much danger and needs a locked room right now. The treatment is for the kid, of course, but you’ll be the main one doing it, so find a local kid-whisperer and get to work.

Sure, you can put “how are you feeling” talk therapy in the low risk treatment group, and sometimes it helps, but don’t keep doing it if it doesn’t, no matter how much you (and the therapist) wish it would help eventually.

There’s a group of low risk medications that might help (or hurt). What makes them low risk is that, if they hurt, it’s easy to stop the medication, and, from what we’ve seen so far, there’s rarely any permanent harm done.

Naturally, you’d love keep your kid healthy, but you can’t. So first think hard about how much danger his health is in, and then how much health he might lose if you try to make the original illness go away. It’s tricky and unfair, but so is life, no matter what your diagnosis.

STATEMENT:
Give yourself some upper-lip-stiffening advice. “I want to stop these terrible tantrums and protect my child from future mental illness, but my control over both those wishes is limited. So I’ll learn behavior management, get earplugs, assess the risks, make the hard decisions, and hope we can turn him over to his wife as soon as possible.”

My partner and I are interior decorators (the ultimate gay cliché, I know), and while we love what we do, we also love getting paid. That’s why it’s rough when friends and family ask us to come take a look at a room or their whole house and give them advice, because what they’re really asking for us for is free services, and as much as we love those we love…well, we also love getting paid and being able to eat. The two of us have talked about how it makes us feel like our loved ones don’t appreciate what we do, or think so little of it that they figure they should get it for nada, but at the same time neither one of us has the heart to turn anyone down and we’re afraid that if we charge them for what we do, they’ll feel hurt and insulted. My shrink says I don’t value my work highly enough because I have a problem with self-esteem. My goal—our goal—is to figure out a way to get enough self-esteem to persuade our friends, and ourselves, that they should pay us for our work.

If it were necessary to improve your self-esteem before being able to ask friends to pay for your services, you’d be in trouble; most self-doubting, sensitive, I’m-afraid-to-impose-on-friends wusses don’t change their personalities, even with deep, deep therapy and a dollop of Dr. Phil.

Unfortunately, as you know, your reluctance to mention fees to friends can spiral into paralysis and frustration. If you respond to your friend’s request for professional help by sliding into an informal, glad-to-help, enjoying-your-company mode, your friend will shoot the breeze for the sheer pleasure of friendship.

Before you know it, you’ve lost a huge number of billable hours and can only blame yourself, because your friend didn’t know that you have no time for this shit (or that your quality time in the friend world was “shit” to you professionally).

At this point, there’s no way you can charge for your time because some of it was social and your friend wasn’t expecting you to. That’s what happens when your goal is to satisfy your friend’s feelings of need, rather than to determine whether you can satisfy his needs, given your other priorities.

Compulsive givers feel bad if they don’t give; as we often point out on this site, they don’t stop to think about how much good and/or bad their giving will do. Your goal is to be business-like about your giving, both because it involves your business, and because it’s more effective and honors your other obligations.

Fortunately, you don’t need good self-esteem to find a way to charge friends for services rendered. The secret—you heard it here first—is not to improve your self-esteem (or create a goals mural or any of that crap). It’s simply to follow proper procedures for creating a work boundary.

Write a scripted response that is right and fair for any reasonable decorator who is asked for his/her ideas by a friend. Think of it as a sales script, like the kind costumer service people have, but slightly less formal.

Learn the script, make it natural, and then stick with it regardless of how you feel. You can deliver it by email if you think you’d get too verklempt saying it in person, but don’t cave in. Then you can love being able to eat, but also love yourself and your friend.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a sample. “Thanks for asking our advice on your redecoration project. Before discussing a project, we offer the optional, attached questionnaire to help you think through its scope and the resources you can commit. After digesting it, we’ll schedule an approximately hour long meeting to ask questions and consider and propose ideas. Because you’re a friend, we wouldn’t think of charging for the consultation. If you wish to go forward, we’ll give you an estimate of the probable time required and several fee options; or you can take our ideas and do the job yourself. We look forward to setting up a time.”

My husband lost his job recently after over twenty years; between his age and the economy, he was basically screwed. We can’t afford to live off my income, so he needs to go whole-hog into his job search and start calling former colleagues and friends asking for recommendations and help. The problem is, he is a sweet man who hates imposing on people, and he’s so modest it’s hard for him to believe that he has a lot to offer, even though he does, so he’s mostly sitting on his ass being a wuss instead of making calls and hunting for more work. I’ve tried to be nice, because I understand the job meant a lot to him, and that he’s generally a sensitive guy, but enough of his shyness, we’ve got kids to feed. My goal is to get my husband to get the self-esteem he needs to go out, market his considerable strengths, and get a job.

Whatever your husband’s needs for more confidence and a less self-effacing manner, he’s developed a bad habit that is hard to change, and by the time he develops the confidence to feel good about making those calls, your kids will be ready to put you in a nursing home.

Of course, you could go to therapy together and find out why he has this problem. Unfortunately, insight usually doesn’t change bad habits, it just tells you where they came from, but it would be a good way to pass the time until you’re sent to assisted living (and drain your remaining savings).

You wish for an answer that would set him free, but that kind of false hope usually prolongs the status quo. Don’t ask why he feels so anxious, just ask how he can be helped to do his job regardless of anxiety.

Avoidant behavior is an amazingly common problem and traps people in shame. It might feel better in the short run to avoid whatever makes you anxious, but then it leaves a hangover of shame and regret.

I wish I could refer you to a 12 step group for avoidant behavior, but sadly, the key demographic for that kind of help would just put off going to the meetings, so you need to do the next best thing by using 12-step ideas.

You have no control over your husband’s behavior, and he may not either, so responding with anger doesn’t work and may make him more avoidant. Instead, put your anger aside.

Then describe the problem as it is, without emotion, making it clear that you regard it as his, crippling, out of control, and not necessarily controllable. Identify incentives for him to try to control it and offer assistance.

The best way to help him, and your family, is to work with him and his problem, not against them. Then one day, at that nursing home, you can both reminisce about how you managed to get through that job search intact.

STATEMENT:
An example: “you are a hard-working, caring man, but you have a dangerous habit of avoiding networking phone calls because they make you feel too anxious. I don’t think they will ever get any easier. If you don’t find a way to do them, you’ll lose confidence and they’ll become harder. So make it your top priority to control this behavior. Don’t be ashamed. Talk to a coach and/or let your friends know. Ask for help in writing a telephone script. Ask one of us to sit with you while you try to make some calls. Otherwise, we should assume that you won’t be getting the kind of job you had before and plan accordingly.”

For a long time, I truly believed that my boss was my mentor, if not a father figure; he seemed to look out for me, take a special interest in my career, and generally groom me for promotion within his company. After I did well with responsibility, he’d come through with reasonable raises and he liked to tell people that he believes in promoting women. Recently, though, I’ve noticed that he does little more than flatter me now that he has me doing all the dirty jobs and he keeps all the interesting stuff for himself and two of his favorite “old boys.” He gets irritated whenever I suggest I could do more and likes to bask in the gratitude of his new favorite girl, a secretary with big tits and not much else. I’ve worked hard here over the years, and I don’t really want to find a new job, but I feel like I’ve been used and misled, and generally wasted my time under false pretenses. My goal is to get the recognition I deserve, even if it’s not from the mentor I thought I had.

Wanting recognition at work is a reasonable wish and, if it was just a problem of your learning how to speak up, dress up, and get rid of your braces, then more power to you.

Many people are familiar with the usual fairy stories, and have pushed themselves to be more assertive and reach their dreams. Not only hasn’t it worked, but it brought down crap on their heads to insure an unhappily ever after-style result.

Your sad fable teaches us three important lessons, the first being the most basic and important; life isn’t fair. In most schools or companies or families, you’ll be told that a major goal of leadership is to treat people fairly, and it is. You should also know, however, that many bosses and teachers and parents have big blind spots, particularly those who take great pride in being fair and encouraging you to speak your mind.

The second lesson is to beware of men who talk a big game about how much they support women, because, odds are, these men like to talk a big game about everything; if it’s not feminism, it’s their supreme fishing skills or their golf game. Talk, as you’ve learned, is cheap, which is exactly how he’s made you feel.

Then again, feelings don’t hold such a high premium, either, so don’t use them as an excuse to keep looking for answers.

Of course, you have a right to feel hurt, angry, and disappointed, but those feelings will cause you trouble if you express them. You thought you were knocking yourself out for someone who could unselfishly encourage your career. Now you know better.

Asking why is just another way of trying to control something you can’t, and asking twice means you don’t want to accept that fact. Life is unfair, mentor is actually a blowhard misogynist.

This brings us to the third and most valuable lesson, which is what to look for in a mentor, a major, worthwhile goal for the business school of real life. While it’s reasonable to make the most of a mentorship, remember that it has its limits, and work is just work. Don’t make it your goal to please a mentor. Instead, meet your own standards on the job, appreciate support when you get it, and remember that work is just work.

You’re trying to get ahead, but you’re also trying to build a boundary around work that protects your from taking it too personally. It’s a job, not a fairyland, and you’re not a princess that needs a mentor to save you. Be your own damn hero and slay those paychecks every week. The End.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a coaching statement to start your workday. “It’s time I relied on my own observations to readjust my expectations at work. It’s disappointing that I must disregard what others have promised me but it’s good that I have a clear vision of my own. I won’t let negative feelings interfere with the next step, which is to find the best way to make a living, given the opportunities available.”

A few years ago, a friend proposed to join me on a business venture. She had great networking skills and drive, but I had the ideas and business know-how, so she thought, and I agreed, that our chemistry would be a good fit. Well, after a couple of years into working together, things started to fall apart, because, as many ideas as I had and as good as she was at making contacts, our work styles were just too different, and we weren’t having enough success to continue. I thought she felt the same way—she seemed just as frustrated as I was—but instead, when I suggested that we down-grade our partnership, she was furious at me for what she felt was a personal betrayal. I tried to make it clear that it wasn’t personal, but she wasn’t hearing it, and it wasn’t long before she stopped talking to me entirely. What bothers me as much as the loss of our friendship is that I’m fairly certain she’s stolen a lot my ideas, taking sole credit and passing them off as her own, and I was too trusting to protect myself legally, and I fear she’s too vengeful to be reasonable. Is there any way to get her to be reasonable, or am I just screwed?

If a jilted ex-partner were just feeling mad and hurt, then trying to get them to act reasonably when they feel screwed is a do-able goal. You can expect that, after a while, they’ll remember the good times and what’s in their best interest, and civility will return. But that’s often hoping for too much since feelings, not reason, are steering the ship.

When someone feels terribly wronged, on the other hand, they’re willing to cut off their noses to spite their face because the world won’t be right again until you’re brought down. Letting them know you need anything from them does little more than tell them where you’re most vulnerable. They don’t want to negotiate, they want to destroy.

If you can pretend not to care that much about your ideas, and if you can persuade her that it’s in her interest to sign an agreement about them, then maybe she will. If you show her you would be very upset to see her steal your ideas, then you’re basically handing her a loaded gun.

If you look back, you probably had good reason to know that she’s oversensitive and vindictive. It’s understandable if you believe in ignoring the faults of friends, but that belief shouldn’t cross over to business partners.

In spite of the emotional firestorm, keep your feelings to yourself. Consult a lawyer and check out your options and how much they’ll cost. Then play your cards, if you have any.

If you don’t, you don’t, but when you’re dealing with someone who’s out for blood, it’s better to accept defeat up front than to enter into a war that will leave you absolutely destroyed in the long run.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a positive answer to the internal voice that wails “I’ve been screwed.” “I’ve gained much from this partnership and not the least is a greater appreciation of the risks of being screwed. I won’t let negative feelings get in the way of my doing more work and, if necessary, finding a better partnership.”

My husband always saw himself as the righteous protector of our daughter and, after our divorce, he got into the habit of dragging me into court to force me to pay for some super-costly treatment or schooling that was always no more than a little bit better than what was available for free, but he’d look like a hero to our daughter and the court and the social worker, and I’d look like a miserly shit, and I’d complain bitterly, which just got everyone more on his side, and I was screwed. My daughter bought the bullshit, which meant she and her father shared a tight bond based on hating me, the Scrooge. But I thought the court assaults would stop when she turned 18, until yesterday, when I learned he’s suing me, once again, this time to pay for our daughter’s college tuition, even though she never asked me, she’s over 18, and, with her history of alcohol abuse (and no attempt to get sober), paying for her to go to college without going to rehab first is a waste of money. I think they’re both just scraping the barrel for reasons to drag me into court and I’m getting flashbacks about being raped by the judge. I don’t have any illusion about all of us getting along, but I think it’s fair to want this craziness to stop.

Like it or not, it’s your ex’s legal right to haul you into court at his whim, force you to hire a lawyer, and make you look like a creep. As a reward, you get to give him a good chunk of your savings to pay for something you don’t believe in, to someone who’s out to ruin your life.

Say what you will about justice, but most of the time, it isn’t very fair.

There’s no way you can avoid feeling helpless and outraged, and there’s no shower long or hot enough to make the violated feeling walk away. If, however, your goal is to stop this from happening again by repeatedly venting your outrage, you’ll actually make it worse.

You’ve described the process well; when you’re angry, you look like a monster, not a victim. Your ex has got the knack for pushing your buttons down so well, you shouldn’t be surprised that he treats you like an ATM.

Instead of fighting back again and again then, accept the fact that he’s got you nailed, and shut up. (If you don’t like being told that, remember, I’m not the one who told you to marry him.)

Don’t mistake a Jerry Springer shouting match as the best way to stand up to someone. Remember, no matter how cleansing the venting is on Springer, nobody walked away from that show without looking like an asshole. If you can get yourself to shut up and keep your rage to yourself, you can start to work on a more effective defense. You’ve collected lots of good facts and they can speak for themselves…if you don’t drown them out with your feelings.

Put the facts together, forget your ex-husband’s allegations, and respond to the issues like a caring parent. Then sit back, shut up and be patient. Initially, people will believe him because he believes himself, but if the facts don’t check out, they’ll come around to your point of view.

Don’t pursue your daughter or the Tag Team of Educational Virtue will punish you with her silence. Make it clear that you care by taking your parental responsibilities seriously and articulating that it would be better for her to cultivate her own relationship with you. Beyond that, however, you can only respect her choice, and hope those facts, not blustery emotions, lead her to the light.

The legal process isn’t very fair, but as we often point out on this site, not much is, so it’s better to keep your mouth shut. If you don’t want to remain tied up in the courts forever, stay quiet until your ex has enough rope to hang himself.

STATEMENT:
Put your response in writing and edit out your rage. For example: “You and I both want our daughter to get a good education and I am more than willing to help financially if it looks like she is ready. I wish I knew how she’s been doing for the past 6 months, but I can’t say because she hasn’t kept in touch. Before that, as you know, she had several drug-related legal problems and hasn’t finished a course. As much as I share your desire to help, I don’t have any reason, as yet, to believe that she could make use of college. Asking the court to mandate me to pay her tuition does her a disservice and wastes a large portion of my remaining resources in legal fees. I would advise her to get sober first, get some work habits going, take a course or two, and then she’d have a better chance of success. Talking to me herself would also give her an opportunity to let me know what she’s accomplished and benefit from my input.”

I don’t think she beats him up, but my son can’t seem to stand up to his crazy wife, no matter what she does. She gets furious with him over nothing and then anything goes. She’s thrown away his model airplane collection, screamed at him in front of friends, and locked him out of the house. The grandkids are always nervous. She always has to have the last word and insists that he apologize for things he hasn’t done. I wish he could stand up for himself and let her know that she’s got to stop. She wouldn’t act like this if he were stronger. All he does is keep quiet, look sad, and try to make her happy, which allows her to act like a jerk. My goal is to protect him or teach him how to stand up for himself.

If standing up to someone means out-intimidating them, it’s seldom a good goal, particularly when you’re up against someone who seems to believe they’re as infallible as the Pope.

Go toe to toe with her holiness and you’ll get a slugfest that not only scares the kids, but draws police like flies. It’s tempting to believe that toughness will carry the day and straighten out the bad guys, but that’s only in the movies. Everyone wants it to happen, which is why you can sell tickets, because nobody ever sees it off the screen.

On the other hand, you don’t want your son to feel responsible for the anger and unhappiness of his crazy wife. It’s nice that he’s caring and nurturing, but this is the evil flip side of being overly-sensitive.

If you push him to confront her, he’ll feel more responsible for her feelings and you’ll quickly see his backside (as I’m sure you’ve already discovered); you’re actually making him more responsible for her feelings by suggesting that he could get her to act better if he was firmer.

He thinks he’s upset her, you think he hasn’t upset her enough, and you’re both making him responsible for her. The Pope/wife remains without fault. Holy shitstorm.

A better goal is to help your son develop a better boundary, and this doesn’t require confrontation or hostility. By a boundary, I mean not allowing an excessive feeling of responsibility for his wife’s unhappiness to get in the way of his doing what he thinks is right.

He wouldn’t fight back, he just wouldn’t take such a hard hit every time she attacks. Then eventually, please Jesus, he’d also ask for a divorce.

STATEMENT:
Show him how he can reject blame without attacking her. “I think we’ve got a good thing going and that it would be better if you could manage your anger. I want you to be happy but you’re right, after all is said and done, I don’t necessarily agree with you about what you feel I’ve done wrong. If you yell or try to punish me, it makes things worse. I am who I am. So my idea about how to make the best of things is to back away from confrontation. I’ll always listen to new suggestions but I won’t stay in the room with yelling or physical intimidation.”

I’m in my mid-30s, about to have my first child with my husband of about a year. My husband is a solid guy—he’s steady, and very caring—but deep down, I know a big reason I married him is because I wasn’t getting any younger and wanted to start a family. I dated a guy in law school that I was really in love with, but he was a lot older, made it clear he never wanted kids, and was your basic passionate, unavailable nightmare. I admit, I’m hormonal, which means my husband’s been getting on my nerves a lot lately, which just makes me obsess more and more about how I’ve settled for a life without love. My goal is to figure out how to get through the next stage of my life and live with my decision.

Don’t get superficial and compare the Valentine’s Day smiles at the next bistro table to your current mood and nostalgic memories of past lovers. In my experience, finding the love of your life isn’t too difficult, but finding a good partner is a real pain in the ass.

By “good partner,” I don’t mean someone you’re crazy about, under any and all circumstances, forever and ever, amen. I mean someone who is strong, easy to live and work with, accepts you during your weaker and less likeable moments, communicates on your wavelength, and picks up the load when you can’t. As well as someone whom you can put up with most of the time.

If you think two Harvard degrees have made me too selective (or obnoxious) to encounter lots of likely candidates, my patients tell me the same thing, including those with friendly, engaging personalities and dazzling beauty (they still have to see a shrink, after all).

As I’ve said before to other people seeking romantic advice, don’t yearn for someone you can talk to or someone who makes you feel special; those needs can be met by a good hairdresser. You describe your husband as “steady” and “caring,” which is worth more than the best of hair days.

Just as positive feelings can make you lose sight of what’s important in a relationship, negative feelings become dangerous when they cause you to devalue an otherwise good partnership. You can get negative because you’re a grump, or hormonal, or irritated by your partner’s less-than-perfect behavior, or because you ate too many turnips. Having those feelings, however, doesn’t mean you have to take them seriously.

If you think your relationship has become empty and meaningless because you can’t find a twinge of love, then negative feelings have made you forget what’s important. What’s important is not romantic advice, because romance is not what partnership is about. As you begin this next stage of life, that will become abundantly clear.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a reminder to help you fight the love-sick, sick love, Valentine’s Day blues. “As much as I love love, my goal is a family that has emotional and financial security. I’ve chosen carefully and we’re off to a good start. I wish there was more positive feeling and less bickering today, but I think we’ll be good at working and living together and managing the challenges of raising kids and dealing with setbacks, so we’re on the right course.”

I know my girlfriend’s a little unstable, believe me—I’m the one she stabbed twice with a steak knife (seriously). We broke up for a while, but after she came to me a few weeks after the incident full of remorse and apology, I had to take her back, because, even though she can be a freak, I have more fun with her than any other person alive. She’s the most exciting, dynamic woman, so, even though she sometimes flips out, I put up with it for all the times she’s just being a blast and making me stupid happy. I told my mom I was thinking of asking her to marry me, and my mom almost had a heart attack. I know we’re young (I’m 19) and that she really went overboard that one time, but I love the crazy bitch. My goal is to get the girl of my dreams, even if she sort of tried to kill me.

I’m not going to tell you that you’re crazy, or make waking-up-with-missing-anatomy jokes, because that’s what all your friends are doing, and maybe it’s not the way love feels to you.

Love can feel unselfish, like the joy of giving and helping and making a better world and having sex all mixed together, so it may feel meaningful to you, rather than just one big thrill.

On the other hand, I may be overestimating you. You may be the sort of guy who just wants to be stupid happy. That common expression is a most apt term in this case, and boy, will you be both (although more “stupid” than “happy” in the long run.

Maybe you think love will cure her problems. Unfortunately, love’s power is in what it makes people feel, not in changing their characters. It won’t make your girlfriend’s temper go away, at least not for long.

If anything, love makes needy people worse. It’s like heroin; the more they get, the more they need, the more they’re convinced you’ll never give them enough, the more they hate you for controlling them.

Maybe you want to believe that she wouldn’t get crazy if you could be more available, find the right words, and demonstrate your true love. That might be the plot of at least a couple of Drew Barrymore’s mid-career films, but it’s not what’s going to happen to you or any poor sucker in real life.

The good news is that love will make you very happy. The bad news is that you’ll be lucky to get away without third degree burns.

The other good news, while you may not take comfort in it, is that young men like you have been drawn to unstable women for centuries (a few of whom have written in the past). These unions aren’t totally without worth; after all, if it weren’t for gullible male/temperamental female pairings, we wouldn’t have tattoo removal technology, reality television stars, or so many girls named Amber.

Listen to your mom, however, and avoid being a part of that breeding statistic and put aside your wishful thinking. If love makes her crazy, ask yourself whether your love is really doing her a favor, and if this is a favor you want to commit to for the rest of your life.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement you’d be wise to deliver. “Our love feels wonderful and there are times when it brings out the best in both of us, but I think it also stirs up feelings that can’t be controlled and that could ruin our lives. What’s most important to me is not how good it feels to be with you, but what will do you and me the most good in the long run, and that’s why we need to walk away.”

My daughter drove me and my husband crazy the other day. She’s a great kid who does very well in school, but at the beginning of every term she calls us up in great distress to tell us she can’t figure out what courses to take because the ones she really wants to take aren’t available and it’s impossible to make a decision about the others. So she did it again, and, as always, when we asked about the courses and made recommendations, she told us we were doing nothing but making her more confused and then broke off the conversation. I talked to my wife and she agrees we were careful to listen and we weren’t overbearing. P.S., the next day my daughter made up her mind and found a perfectly good group of courses to take, as usual. How can we help her get less distraught and see that we’re just trying to help?

Nobody wants their child to be in pain or agony, but it’s important to ask yourself whether it’s important if your daughter is…distraught.

Yes, her panic hurts her and it hurts you, but life is pain, pain is often unavoidable, and it’s not getting in her way, so why make it more important than it has to be?

It’s hard not to come running when a kid is crying, but this is a situation that’s familiar, always turns out well, and can’t be helped with a band-aid and a kiss on the boo-boo.

If you focus on the crying, you’ll think negative, ruin an evening, and wind up writing to me. If you ignore it, you can be happy that her anguished way works for her and that there’s nothing you need do because there’s nothing you can do.

What’s wrong here is that you and your wife are caring, sensitive parents who don’t know how to turn yourselves off and stop your helping instincts. Yes, it’s shameful, but you’ve got to fess up if you want to recover.

What’s also wrong here is that your daughter is also sensitive and perhaps a little neurotic; if her decisions end up being smart, then her difficulty making them is annoying, but not too problematic. Poor thing, she thinks too much. There are worse things.

That’s always a big bad news/good news fact of life. When there’s nothing you can do, there’s nothing you hafta do. So you’re free to go. Consider this your “get out of tantrum” card. Do not pass go, do not pay tuition.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a standard statement to address your guiltiest feelings/her nastiest accusation. “I hate to see you worry, but you always seem to make good decisions in the end. Maybe your decision-making process requires a burst of adrenaline. Or maybe you can try something more methodical, by creating a list of possibilities and scoring the pros and cons. In any case, I’m not going to hang around and make suggestions because that doesn’t help. So good luck and see you later.”

I knew it was going to happen. My daughter drifts through life, smoking pot and spending more than she makes at a go-nowhere job, and now she’s got herself accidentally pregnant with this guy who’s also going nowhere and she wants to return home and have the baby. I don’t enjoy doing childcare and I’m angry as hell, but I can’t leave her and a grandchild out in the cold. I’m worried, and, of course, she isn’t. My goal is to figure out how to get her moving so that I don’t have to raise another kid, and another and another.

You can’t help worrying, because parents are always responsible for creating a safety net for their kids, and you worry more when you’ve got a kid who’s too dumb to worry (see: the opposite of our overthinker above).

You probably can’t get her to see things differently—if she’s blind to certain things, she’s blind (or maybe less blind, more dumb). Her new-found dependence, however, allows you to push her in healthier directions, whether she appreciates your efforts or not.

You can’t get her to self-start or think about her future, so avoid that kind of goal because it will just make you tired and bitter. If you accept her limited understanding, however, you can pressure her to improve her behavior.

Put conditions on her homecoming that will promote independence and self-discipline. Insist on a certain amount of work, rent, savings, chores, and/or clean samples of pee (or maybe just a clean room to start).

If she refuses, find her an alternative living situation, like a shelter, that will be safe enough if not as comfy as home. Don’t punish her, but don’t try to make her happy. Give her conditions that push her to get going, not towards intelligence, just towards the door of her own house.

STATEMENT:
State your house rules without anger or blame. “If you’re going to have a baby, you will need to develop your strengths as a mother and wage-earner. Your mother and I will make sure you and the baby are safe for as long as we have resources, but we won’t be around forever, so our goal is to help you become as strong and self-reliant as possible. If you want to live here, you’ll need to give us a certain amount of money to pay for rent, child-care and, possibly, savings. We’ll help you take courses that improve your marketability. We’ll need to see clean urines weekly. If you want us to babysit when you’re not working, it may cost extra. If you don’t want to live with us, we’ll direct you to an alternative such as a shelter. Let us know what you’d like to do.”

My girlfriend and I work together, so, in the interest of not causing too much of a stir, we’re keeping our relationship quiet. I’m OK with that, at least in terms of our jobs, but she also hasn’t told her ex-husband about me yet, after a year of our being together, and keeping our relationship a secret for his sake is not something I’m OK with. She’s not afraid of hurting him—he’s remarried—but of unleashing his wrath, because he’s a bully who revels in punishing her whenever she makes any progress towards moving on in her life. They have a son together, and she’s afraid that, if her ex finds out about us, he’ll go on a rampage to get full custody. He’s very emotional and can easily afford a good lawyer and so far he’s always been able to get the court’s sympathy. It’s not like I want to parade our relationship around in everyone’s faces, but there’s only so much secrecy that I can stand and I feel it puts a limit on our future and makes it impossible for her to make decisions or be held accountable for them. My goal is to get my girlfriend to stand up to her ex so I can know where I stand and we can build a life together.

One of the worst and often unexpected obstacles that get in the way of this kind of second partnership is the other person’s boundaries, or lack of them, with her/his first family. Negotiating those boundaries can make check-points in warzones seem like a breeze.

You start out respecting her unselfishness and love for her son, and feel a need to protect her from bullying and unfair treatment, so you put up with the secrets. Eventually, however, you discover that, if she can’t stand up to her former husband’s bullying, you’re always playing second fiddle to her fear of rocking the SS Ex-Monster.

Then you end up mad at her, which makes her feel that she’s now being attacked on two fronts and can’t manage all the demands, which makes her more fearful and standoffish. Long story short, the goal of getting her to stand up to her ex- will probably backfire, particularly if you make it a personal issue of how much she loves you.

A better goal is to see if she can firm up her boundaries for her own sake. People like her are usually anxious and overly responsible and tend to believe, reflexively, that it’s their fault when things go bad and someone’s hurting.

By commenting on events as they happen, you may be able to show her that there are occasions when she has more to gain and will do more good in the long run by saying no, even if she tends to feel, or is made to feel, guilty for her actions.

For example, if her ex tells her she’s got to take her son at the last minute, even if that means cancelling your vacation plans, remind her that it’s more important for her to get court support for regular, reliable visitation than to protect her son’s current feelings, even if that means giving her ex-husband a chance to screw up and herself a chance to take a break.

Don’t complain about the way her wussiness ruins your good times, although you certainly have a right to feel that way. Complaints will make her feel that the issue is one of pleasure vs. sacrifice and thus make her guiltier. Instead, resist the urge to whine and stick to your idea of what will work best for everyone in the long run.

If she ultimately can’t develop her own sense of what’s right and stick with it and your boundaries, then you can’t supply her with internal security. and she’ll always be over-reacting to the latest terrorist threat, like certain countries we know. At least next time you’ll check out the border guards before deciding on partnership.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep your conversation with her positive and useful. “We both want a life together and believe our partnership can ultimately benefit your relationship with your son. So the question isn’t whether you love me enough to face down your ex, or whether you do things his way, your way, or my way; it’s whether you can be sufficiently assertive with your ex when you believe it’s necessary and show him that pressure won’t get you to back down. If you can do that, you’ll be a more effective mother and have more opportunity to build a life with me. If not, you may find that fear reduces what little power you have and makes it hard for our relationship to go forward.”

I lost my job a year ago, so my wife’s mother offered to help us out and rent us a small apartment above her garage at a good price. The job I’ve landed since doesn’t pay nearly as well as my last one, so my wife and I (and our baby) are still stuck in that apartment, even though her mom has both jacked up the rent and completely and repeatedly ignored our pleas for a little autonomy and privacy. (She says the economy hit her harder than expected and she needs for us to help her out and not put pressure on her.) Not only does she drop by whenever, uninvited (to give unsolicited parenting advice, of course), but so does her sister who lives nearby, drinks too much and often asks for money. My wife and I both hate living there, and we have enough money to move out, but I know we’re going to get accused of being ungrateful and unhelpful when we tell her and it will tie my wife in knots. My goal is to get us out of here without stirring up her family and getting my wife upset.

Moving out of your mother-in-law’s place is bound to stir up your wife’s family because that’s the way they are, so don’t make yourself or your wife responsible for avoiding that pain, theirs or yours. It’s as inevitable as an in-law proving to be annoying.

Yes, it will probably be painful, particularly for your wife, but the alternative is worse, so you need to make your best decision, do what you gotta do, and not take responsibility for everyone’s happiness.

You must be doing something right because you and your wife are suffering together, on the same side. If she couldn’t get herself to leave or if you got too mad at her or her mother, that wouldn’t be the case. So you’re doing a good job of keeping the anger under control and your wife of accepting the necessity of moving on.

The bad news is that, with a family like this, there’s no avoiding pain and, if you and your wife are nice-guy, good-kid types, it will feel like guilt. The good news, however, is that you’ve done nothing wrong and much right, so the guilt is just an annoying feeling, nothing more.

Don’t look at the next step with your mother-in-law as an unavoidable, painful confrontation (though that’s probably what it will be). Instead, see it as an opportunity to work on your guilt-trip defenses. That’s seeing the glass as half-full (at least until the boozing aunt shows up).

And if your wife is worried about failing to shore up her mother’s finances, remind her that supporting her the way you’ve been doing is not really going to solve her money problems. Meanwhile, it’s causing more problems, including poverty and emotional distress for your kid.

Urge your wife to ignore her mother’s neediness and think of what will work best in the long run. Then prepare to face the inevitable.

STATEMENT:
Respond to the worst-case accusation you can think of without getting negative or defensive (imagine your mother-in-law’s throwing a “because of your selfishness I’ll lose the house and you’re forgetting how much I helped you when I was able” guilt trip). “We’re happy to have had a good year together and are grateful for all that you’ve done. We’ve given a lot of thought to the reasons for staying, including helping you keep the house, but we don’t think that’s going to work in the long run, so it’s better for us to move on and for you to talk to your financial advisor and come up with another approach. But we’re glad that we all gave it a try.”