My brother and I grew up poor, so one of the first things I did after I hit it big with my company was to buy him things. He’s very un-materialistic, but I knew he could use some appliances for his house, and it was my pleasure to get them for him. So I was a little shocked and hurt when he wrote me to say that he would appreciate it if I didn’t get him things. He didn’t explain why, and I knew he wasn’t trying to insult me, but it sure felt like it. Since then, I’ve felt estranged—if he doesn’t want my gifts, I feel like there’s not much to be said, and I’m just not comfortable chatting or dropping by. My goal is to honor his wishes without feeling hurt.

Thank you notes exist because people have strong feelings about the way other people respond to their gifts; it’s like a receipt for a good deed. The act of giving seems meaningless—even hurtful—if there’s no corresponding act of gratitude.

Having experienced poverty, however, you know better; a well-chosen, timely gift can enhance a person’s safety, health, and opportunity and, if the recipient is a family member, and particularly one with children, the positive impact of the gift may outweigh their lack of a positive response.

Perhaps it’s pride that cometh before the follow-up thank you note, or it could just be that he feels some bitterness or jealousy about your success. If that’s a possibility, then the more gifts you give, the nastier he’ll become.

Regardless of whether your brother’s gift-rejection makes you feel hurt or un-giving, don’t give up your basic ideals or change your priorities. No, there’s no point in freshening up his appliances because that won’t make much difference in his life, but that shouldn’t stop you from giving him the gift of your attention and, if it’s not too uncomfortable, your company.

If you spot a situation in which a gift could do some good, do what you think is right; maybe your gift could be covert or anonymous. After all, it’s easy to find someone who will beg and be eternally grateful for gifts that will do no good in the long run. It’s much more gratifying to give a gift that does good for those you love, regardless of whether they give you a nice card in return.

STATEMENT:
“I feel deflated by my brother’s rejection of my willingness to share my wealth and good luck with him, but I respect his desire not to take advantage of me. I will not change my determination to help him if he really needs it and I will do my best to avoid making him feel beholden.”

I’m mad at my father and really shouldn’t be. He means well, but he likes to give money to his kids without thinking of how much he has in the bank. It was a large fortune after he received my late mother’s life insurance, but after all his generosity, it’s now dwindling. I’m hard working and independent and ask him for nothing, but my brother has never worked and never hesitates to ask him for everything. You see where this is going? My father will go broke and I’ll be taking care of him because my brother is shameless and lazy. I don’t want to be angry at him or my brother, and my goal is to figure out a better solution so I don’t end up getting screwed.

You’re right to be proud of your independence and to ignore your anger about your father’s over-generosity to your deadbeat brother. Of course it’s not fair, but you’ve avoided the f-word, fair, because fairness is not your main concern.

You recognize that the family fortune is also the family safety net, and that your father’s mismanagement is creating big problems for the future. By the time the last of the savings have been spent on plasma TVs, your father may require medical care and your brother will have no idea how to adjust to living in the real world. You’re the whistle-blower, but it’s a whistle only non-family members can hear.

Having put aside your anger, you can express your worries in economic terms that your father may be (slightly) more willing to hear and that he can’t dismiss as motivated by brotherly resentment. You want him to set aside enough money to ensure his independence, and you’re willing to sit down with him and a financial planner to figure out how much is needed and how it should be invested.

If nothing else works, you might mention your desire to accept a share of his handouts. No, you’re not arguing that you need the money as badly as your brother, because it’s always dangerous to get into discussions of who’s more deserving. Accept it gratefully for whatever reason your father wishes to give it to you and then, if you can, use it to salvage the safety net for when your brother has spent everything else on rims and iPads.

Don’t get discouraged if you can’t stop the drain of the family coffers. All you can do is offer good advice and manage your own family finances, which is what you are doing. No matter what happens, the future will bring hard choices that you’re not responsible for preventing, just managing and surviving.

STATEMENT:
“It’s scary to watch my father create his own guaranteed fiscal crash, but I know he means well, he loves his kids, and his weakness is one I can’t change. If I see a way to protect us, I will do it. Otherwise, I’ll try to accept what I can’t change, prepare for the future, and enjoy our time together.”

Six months ago, I had my husband arrested for domestic violence. I was pregnant at the time. It was a wake-up call for both of us—there were many unspoken resentments between us as I have a very high stress job and he stayed home with our first child. We are both in therapy now, because, while I know I’m not responsible for his actions, I absolutely had some emotional messiness to clean up on my end. Somehow, we have recommitted to truly working together, but I am still so angry at him for putting me through that ordeal. We do love each other, but personality-wise, we are probably not the best match, and if there were not small children involved, I would have divorced him after this. My family, with whom I’ve always had a strained relationship, hate that I’m giving my husband another chance and are punishing me for it, telling me how I am being controlled, putting my children at risk, etc. I had my child 2 months ago and I’m already back at work, working like crazy (someone has to support the family), but I’m so overwhelmed, unsupported and just failed by everyone when I have 2 small children depending on me and a career to manage. The pace that I am keeping is ridiculous. Help! I need to figure out what I need to do to feel less overwhelmed. And if my husband and I are going to have a chance, I need to let go of my anger.

I wish it were possible for everyone to let go of anger and be happy in this life (but for this breakthrough to occur only after I’m retired).

Unfortunately, the unfairness of life, together with the unfairness of the worst personality traits we’re cursed with, make it impossible for many of us not to feel lots of chronic, steady anger on top of whatever one experiences for especially lousy events. For such people, being calm is just being quietly pissed.

So, for members of this club, as much as they wish they could get rid of it, the question isn’t how to let go of anger and feel peace, peace, peace; it’s how to manage one’s daily anger without turning into an emotional Hulk.

So, after putting your anger on the back-burner for a second, re-assess the pros and cons of your marriage partnership, particularly in terms of its safety. If your husband uses crack, has been arrested for A and B, and/or has neck tattoos, then maybe your family is right and he’s not a good bet for long-term safety. If he’s sober and has never lost his temper except in the context of one particularly nasty marital argument late at night after being prodded by someone who knows him too well, maybe the risk is manageable.

If your anger was perhaps as intense before this incident as after, and if you expressed yourself too freely on that occasion, then there’s additional good news. Your ability to restrain your own negative feelings—without compromising your assertiveness—may add another element of safety to your future. That doesn’t mean you’re to blame for his hitting you; it just gives you added incentive to learn how to be assertive without putting him down.

If you’re waiting for your anger to disappear, you give it more power over your relationship. Instead, remind yourself that you stay with your husband by choice, for reasons you value, and you’re being assertive, not a sucker.

So ignore your family and your simmering rage, because your goal isn’t letting your anger go, forgiving your husband, or getting new relatives. It’s accepting that, despite assistance that is sometimes sub-par and irritating, you’re trying hard to prevent your anger from making things worse.

STATEMENT:
“I feel my husband’s violence destroyed a basic trust between us and estranged me from my family, but I believe I have good reason to stay with him and not fear for my or the kids’ safety. I may be angry, but I’m not at anyone’s mercy.”

After everything I’ve put my husband through, all the times I’ve disappointed him, I can’t blame him for how much he resents me and wants to leave. I was a drunk for several years, only managing to get sober three years ago. Then I got laid off from the really good job I used to have, and after almost a year looking for work, all I could find was waitressing, making a fraction of what I used to. My husband is so tired of my failures. He can’t forgive me for anything, from my drinking problem to losing my job (though it wasn’t my fault), and he keeps saying there’s not much point in staying with me since I’m always at the restaurant, working long shifts to make ends meet. I know I’m a loser, but I still want to make it better.

If you define abuse as the dishing out of undeserved punishment, then it becomes clear how important it is to decide for yourself whether you did anything wrong. Some people are so eager to stop the pain of punishment and/or conflict that they’ll accept blame for the sake of peace; others feel they must counterattack to prove their independence and even the balance. Either way makes abuse worse.

You’ve done many things right, even if it didn’t make you or your husband happy. You got sober, worked hard, and had the courage to accept a less prestigious job when you couldn’t find something better. You have good reason to be proud of yourself, even if everyone’s miserable.

What’s wrong is not that you’ve burdened your husband or failed to maintain the family’s standard of living; it’s that you’ve put his happiness and opinion ahead of your own values and judgment, which is one of the many dangers of being empathic and sensitive. Empathy is a nice trait, but you need to learn to manage it carefully. Otherwise, you’ll fail to defend yourself properly while indulging your husband’s bad behavior.

Assess your own conduct as objectively as possible. Ask the opinion of neutral parties, consider how you would judge someone else in the same position, and use AA meetings to reject responsibility for what you can’t change. Remember, your standard isn’t what you could have done that would have worked out better or made your husband happier, it’s whether what you did was good enough, given what you have control over.

Whatever you decide, stand up for it. You can’t change the past or your husband’s feelings, but if you’ve been a good, responsible partner in the present, then his criticism is not your problem and it’s your job to shield yourself from it.

If he can’t stop verbalizing, you have a right to be elsewhere and an obligation to speak up, particularly to yourself, to counter his negative statements with your own positive beliefs. Your goal isn’t to change his mind; it’s to protect your own.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling that my husband’s criticism echoes my own feeling of failure, but I’ve managed alcoholism and unemployment successfully according to reasonable standards, and I have a right to be proud of myself. I will stand by my own beliefs and let him know that, if he has criticism to express, he can express it alone.

I know my current boyfriend understands me much better than my old boyfriend did, and I value that tremendously. We have a great relationship and we’ll probably get married. What bothers me is that my old boyfriend was a terrific person, my family loved him, and we got along very well for 2 years, and then I broke his heart. I loved him; it just bothered me that he couldn’t quite understand me. And now, the happier I am with my new relationship, the guiltier I feel for my old boyfriend’s unhappiness and the more I wonder whether I had the right to dump such a nice person.

Feeling someone really understands you is a powerful force for sustaining friendship and partnership. That’s why some people, in order to justify dating someone too young or dumb, often convince themselves such connections exist.

You may be more attracted to someone from a different background who seems exotic and interesting, or someone with whom you constantly, passionately spar. In the end, feeling understood is part of what make you feel at home which, if you’re thinking of starting a home together, is a big deal.

There’s no escaping the fact that decisions like this, that require breaking the heart of a good person whom you love, are bound to cause pain. The question isn’t whether this pain is balanced by your pleasure; it’s whether you believe the new partnership will be more stable and nurturing in the long run, for you and your children. If so, then you have good reason to do radical emotional surgery and stand by your decision.

As it is, you have partial confirmation that you’re right. You continue to feel that your new partnership has a better chemistry. It seems increasingly unlikely that you were running away from commitment or distracted by looks, sexuality, or a need for novelty. You have reason to respect your decision.

It’s good that your first choice of partners wasn’t bad, but that’s what has made this decision more painful. Don’t try to punish yourself by hesitating or withholding your love from your new partner.

The better your new relationship works, the more it confirms that you made a good decision, just at a tough cost.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I’ve betrayed a good person whom I loved, but my commitment was not to marry him, but to try hard to decide whether we were right for one another, and that’s what I did. Now my job is to do the same with my new relationship and see if it’s right for marriage.”

I knew my girlfriend was probably a jerk, but I was really attracted to her and felt I needed a little attention after too long a time without. Well, she turned out to be a piece of shit, and I wasn’t surprised. What bothers me is that, even though I went in with my eyes open, I wasn’t able to protect my heart and stay unattached. I’ve never been good at random hook-ups, and should have known this would happen. My heartache is going on for much longer than it should, and longer than she deserves. Why am I acting like such a girl, when I should just have screwed her and forgotten her?

One thing people often leave out of their romantic decisions is a knowledge of their own heart. That’s the premise of most romantic comedies, that someone falls in love with whomever they firmly believe is the last person on earth they would let themselves fall in love with.

You may push beyond your limits because you’re foolish, proud, needy, lonely, or just plain good at fooling yourself. In any case, you now have a learning opportunity.

Don’t give yourself a hard time for hurting; you don’t deserve it, you’re not causing the hurt and you can’t change the past. So don’t try to control it or blame yourself for not being able to cut it short.

Your goal isn’t to stop the pain, because you can’t; it’s to take good care of yourself, keep busy, and provide yourself with lots of pleasant distractions until the pain goes away. It’s worth it if you learn to improve your ability to protect yourself.

Next time you meet an attractive monster, cross the road to the other side. You may find some friends with benefits, but stay away from nutjobs with detriments. You know you know better.

STATEMENT:
“When I’m hurting from self-inflicted love-sickness, it’s hard not to feel like a fool, but I’ve learned a valuable lesson, I’m paying my dues, and instead of letting my pain tear me down, I’ll use it to remind myself that I need and deserve proper protection.”

When I was manic and crazy, I really fucked up my marriage. For 6 months, I was talking fast, flinging money around, drinking hard, sleeping with anyone I could catch, and generally acting like an asshole. The third time I went into the hospital, the doctors found a medication that worked and, since then, I’m back to my old self but my wife has decided it’s all over. She goes out without me whenever she can and acts like she’s angry whenever we’re together. I can understand her feelings, but she won’t accept my apology. For the last 6 months, I’ve shown her my old, reliable self, but I can’t win back her trust. The problem is my bad; I should be able to make it right.

We all want marital vows to overcome whatever bad things life throws at us, and so we promise to care for our partners through thick and thin, unconditionally.

What’s stupid about such promises, however, is that some of those bad things are the size of an asteroid and can wipe out any marriage, regardless of how strong the love and commitment, and feeling obliged to stick with vows that have no escape clauses can drive you crazy.

Yes, your wife should forgive you for having a manic episode: you couldn’t help it and the part you can help—taking your medication—you’re doing well. It takes courage to resume your life and face the people you know after the humiliation and chaos of acting like a crazy jerk.

The sad thing that can’t be helped isn’t your illness; it’s your wife’s reaction to it. I assume you and others have done all you can to educate her about it and you’ve had a good opportunity to show her what your values are and regain her confidence, now that you’re well again. If it hasn’t worked, it’s not because there’s something wrong with your approach: it’s probably because there’s something wrong with your wife’s character. She just doesn’t have the strength.

Look at her closely, and you’ll probably find she’s never had the strength, meaning that she’s never been able to keep a relationship going if it hurt her too much. That’s why it’s important, when looking for a partner, to find someone who’s shown an ability to stick by her friends and family regardless of hurt. It’s a quality that’s even more important than the fact that you love one another. Without it, you’re fucked. Now you know.

So don’t make yourself responsible for her reaction, as sad as it is. You didn’t cause your illness or give her the character she has. Don’t apologize. Don’t beg. Let her know you understand your illness put her through a very hard time, but that you’re confident that you’ve recovered and that you can again be a good partner. Maybe surviving this hard time has made you stronger and wiser. In any case, if she still wants the partnership, it’s hers; if not, you both need to move on.

You need someone strong who can still love you after a manic episode, and she needs someone lucky who doesn’t get sick.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I destroyed my marriage and it’s my job to get it back, but I know I didn’t cause my illness, and I’m proud of the way I manage it. I can’t help it if my wife can’t tolerate it, but I know I need a wife who can.”

After her last hospitalization a year ago, my wife didn’t recover all that much, and she’s gradually become very different from the woman I married. Her psychiatrists tell me there’s no new treatment to try (she didn’t tolerate clozapine, which is the Hail Mary treatment for crazy thinking) and she’s probably not going to recover much more than she has now. She’s able to keep herself clean, but she still hears voices, looks befuddled, and thinks I’m spying on her for the FBI. She can do simple chores, but she’s very distractible. Most nights, she sleeps at her mother’s house because that’s where she’s most comfortable. I’ve got used to taking care of the kids on my own, and I can’t trust her with them when she’s around. I miss her terribly and I promised to stand by her in sickness and health, but I don’t know that I can stand this much longer. I feel bad about deserting her when she really can’t help it, but taking care of her and the kids is more than I can manage.

You sound like you’ve done all you can to help your wife recover from severe mental illness and it isn’t going to happen. Instead of blaming yourself or anyone else for her failed recovery, you’re facing it as a sad fact of life. What troubles you most is dealing with your marital vows to stick together through sickness and health.

Marital vows ignore the fact that some illnesses can destroy a family and present you with impossible choices. Most times, sticking together is manageable, better than the alternative, good for the kids, and the right thing to do. It’s not hard to imagine situations, however, when sticking with someone does no good for them, destroys your life, and is bad for the kids. No one likes to think of those things at a wedding, or ever.

Put aside your guilt long enough to ask yourself what she would expect of you if she were her old self and what you would expect of her if your positions were reversed. Assume that you both believe in standing by the one you love, but not if it does no good, or overwhelms the resources of the healthy partner, or endangers the kids and their future. Assess the impact she has on them and they on her. Take into account that she probably qualifies for social security/disability and may also be eligible for state services for the chronically mentally ill.

Don’t assume that the path that hurts most is the one that’s right. This is not a conflict between duty and pleasure or between selfless vows and selfishness. It’s a conflict between your responsibility to care for your wife and your assessment of the value of your sacrifice, the good it can do, and the harm it can cause to your other responsibilities.

Either way, it breaks your heart, but you have an administrative responsibility as the sole leader of the family and you need to do what will do the most good/least harm. Whatever you choose, respect yourself for bearing the burden of this choice.

STATEMENT:
“I feel like I can’t leave my marriage without breaking my vows and deserting my wife when she needs me most. I can’t help the fact that she’s no longer the same person and doesn’t get much from being married to me. I’ll try to weigh the competing ethical responsibilities and do the right thing, knowing there’s no way to do right without also causing harm.”

I have experienced 2 bad marriages and the death of my only child at age 28 (one year ago). I’m now trying to rebuild my life and am in a relationship with a man who has experienced shit (horrible divorce) and raising his youngest child, a teenager. Unfortunately, he has trouble balancing family, work and dating, and I don’t know how to handle this during my grief time and uncertainty—I fluctuate between feeling my worries are unreasonable and justified. His ex wife screwed him kid-wise and money-wise, so he is bitter in lots of ways. On the other hand, I was equally screwed by my ex but pushed on and made my own way, so I don’t entirely sympathize with his resentment. I also understand that, because of his divorce, he hasn’t had a life with his kids and wants to establish a relationship with his son, but he also wants one with me, and I don’t think he knows how to balance these two goals. We’re both adults with good jobs who’ve experienced the same problems, but I’m not sure why we can’t get it together, and I want this to work.

As the survivor of an unbearable loss and the non-help of a deadbeat ex, you have a right to ignore other people’s resentment and bitterness. As such, you’re ready to move on and find a better relationship, and because your sorrows give you perspective, you know when someone else isn’t ready.

You obviously value your partner’s love for his kids, and see evidence of his fidelity in his long attachment to a crazy wife. You’re right, however, to have concerns about the flip side of this picture, which is his potential inability to control his over-responsiveness to whoever seems to need him more.

That’s always the rub with nice guys who marry needy, nasty ladies. They’re not just victims; they’re also addicted to running 911 hotlines for D. I.D.s, damsels in distress. Men like him often think most women are crazy, because that’s all they know; being nuts is a major prerequisite for most of their dates.

Dating you shows that he might’ve overcome that proclivity, but if he hasn’t overcome his addiction to helping the (overly) needy, or at least learned to manage it, you’re going to have a hard time.

Don’t get drawn into competing for his time and attention and don’t vent your feelings of neglect/irritation. Instead, believe in your ability to set reasonable standards for his investment and availability in your partnership, and then, without speaking ill of his neediest, let him know what those standards are. Show that you believe your requirements are fair and good for everyone.

If his behavior is good enough, good for you, but if it isn’t, don’t take it personally. It’s not that he loves you less, it’s that he’s addicted to neediness more. Your grief doesn’t impair your judgment, it sharpens it, because it tells you how important it is to seize happiness when it’s available and to let things go when it isn’t.

STATEMENT:
“I don’t like feeling needy and resentful of my nice guy boyfriend, but I’ve got good reason to expect him to protect our time together and to think before responding to his kids’ demands and complaints. I will define some reasonable rules for dealing with the problems I’ve seen and I’ll let him know what they are. Then I’ll decide whether he can measure up. My goal is to be realistic about what I can tolerate, rather than to change him or accept his company unconditionally because of my sorrow and loneliness.”

Please note: This is the same case we answered on Monday, except one of our readers clarified that the person who had died was not the writer’s dementing husband, but the supportive therapist who had helped her cope for two years. Thank you to that reader, and with such strong perceptive skills, you should consider becoming a therapist yourself.

I’m overwhelmed. I have been married for 25 years, the last ten or so have been strained—three years ago my husband was diagnosed with a progressive, terminal form of dementia. It affects his behavior and communication. We have 3 teens. I stayed home with the kids for 15 years because his job required him to be out of town for extended periods. Now I am working 2 jobs to try to keep up with our expenses. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years who was helping me deal with the loss—and my reaction to loss, which is odd and inappropriate. Anyway, his office called yesterday to tell me he died. Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.

If the issue here is what to do if you suddenly lose the therapist you’ve come to rely on during a time of particular stress, the answer depends on what you and your therapist believe therapy is for. Many people, including therapists, think its purpose is to provide you with support. As a result, many therapists feel guilty going on vacation when their patients are in crisis or reducing the frequency of treatment when there’s no money to pay for it.

In truth, therapy does not require an intense relationship between therapist and patient in order to be effective; it works quite well if you learn what the therapist is teaching, and you learn more easily if you like and respect the teacher.

Of course, you have a special bond with a teacher who has known you through tough times or who has confidence in you when you have none in yourself. You need to assume, however, that no teacher will stay in your life for very long, and that each good teacher has something unique to offer, so it’s your job to turn their support into portable, positive ideas that you can take with you when you, or they, go.

Besides, even if one therapist manages to stay with you until you feel better, s/he will never heal you, because no one in therapy is ever “cured.” That’s why it’s always in your best interest to recognize what you’ve learned and practice it immediately and often. That way, even if the therapist is gone, the tools of therapy are as permanent as you want them to be.

Regardless of how much you feel you need someone, or how vulnerable you feel without their support, you have the strength to survive, be strong, and provide support to your family, even under the most stressful circumstances. When you review your prior treatment with your next therapist, you will discover you’ve learned more than you thought, like how to cope on your own.

STATEMENT:
“I feel helpless because everything has gone wrong and everyone I’ve relied on has collapsed. The truth is, I’ve learned from them, I’ve survived, and I haven’t collapsed, so even when life seems unbelievably stressful, I’m not really helpless and I haven’t lost what they had to give me.”

I’m overwhelmed. I have been married for 25 years, the last ten or so have been strained—three years ago my husband was diagnosed with a progressive, terminal form of dementia. It affects his behavior and communication. We have 3 teens. I stayed home with the kids for 15 years because his job required him to be out of town for extended periods. Now I am working 2 jobs to try to keep up with our expenses. I have been seeing a therapist for 2 years who was helping me deal with the loss—and my reaction to loss, which is odd and inappropriate. Anyway, his office called yesterday to tell me he died. Where do I go from here? I feel so lost.

It sounds like you feel more than lost, and reading your description of events has us a little lost, as well. Still, while the details are hard to follow, the point is crystal clear and amazingly sad.

I may be reading too much into your words, but it does seem like the stress of raising three kids, working two jobs and dealing with the crazy responsibilities of living with dementia have burnt you out and left you spacy and dissociated, with “odd and inappropriate feelings.”

Dementia took your husband away bit by bit while loading you with more and more responsibilities, along with the fear of having to face dangerous and irritating situations without warning. Sadness is a relatively small burden compared to the fear, anger and guilt that people actually encounter.

Temporary detachment may have protected you from being overwhelmed by these feelings; hopefully his death will free you from some of this load and allow you to miss him.

In any case, don’t be critical of your emotions. Respect the awesome strength it requires to manage the calamities that have happened to you and the duties you’ve been saddled with along the way. After all, your goal was never to feel good about what was happening; it was to sustain your family according to he standards you and your husband believed in.

Begin by talking to your therapist and/or friends—people who know you well, not just over the internet—and use them as coaches to figure out what you need to do. Sometimes, the best therapy comes from visiting a lawyer; figuring out what you need to do next helps fight your worst fears and gives strength to the kids. It won’t be easy, but you’ve been operating in survival mode for several years, you just need to keep it up a little longer.

With a bit of luck, your life will settle down. After all, you’ve imagined the worst case scenario and it’s happened. Once you know you’ve done what’s necessary to bury him, help the kids, and manage your finances, you’ll be in better shape to sort out your feelings and your future.

Regardless of how “odd and inappropriate” your feelings appear now, you did what needed to be done and that’s what counts. Keep it up, take comfort in your achievement, and let your feelings take care of themselves.

STATEMENT:
“I’m barely treading water and can’t make sense of my feelings, but I’ve survived a medical/marital catastrophe, supported my kids, and cared for my husband as he stopped being himself, so whatever is important, I’ve done it. Now I will continue to take care of business, including allowing my feelings to catch up with what I’ve been through.”

My mother was good at handling everyone and she had a million friends. I always thought my father was on the same page, but, since her death, he does a million things that irritate me, which I hate, because I want to be supportive and need his support. He makes impulsive decisions about money and seems too needy with his new girlfriend. It’s not that I want him to be loyal to my mother’s memory; I don’t want to have to protect him and her estate from someone’s opportunism. I’ve tried to give him advice but he tells me not to run his life (not exactly in those words). My goal is to get through to him without antagonizing him. What I’d like even better is to be able to have confidence in him and close to him at a time that’s hard for both of us.

It’s doubly hard to grieve your mother’s death if, at the same time, you feel like you’re failing to carry out her mandate and your efforts are tearing the family apart. Just ask Hamlet; the harder you try, the worse it gets.

One of the bad things about grieving a parent who happens to have been a strong, dependable leader is that things may fall apart without her leadership, leaving you to try to pick up the slack and restoring your family’s sense of security. After all, your mother was such a good leader you didn’t have to worry. Now, you’d like to keep things that way, both for yourself and in her memory.

It’s good that you’re available, supportive, and eager to help. Your goal is dangerous, however, if you make yourself responsible for decisions you don’t control; you’ll wind up angry, helpless, and in conflict with those you love. After all, you don’t have your mother’s influence over your father or anyone else, and you have your own life to lead.

So don’t take responsibility for protecting your father or the family fortune; your goal is simply to do your best and see how much you can do. Evidently, it’s not much, but that’s an additional loss you need to accept and grieve. Once you accept your father’s limitations, you’re ready to make the best of things.

Instead of pressing him to see his new girlfriend’s faults and creating a conflict of loyalty, provide him with positive, professional advice. Express pleasure in his happiness and confidence in the future of his new relationship before suggesting specific methods by which he can balance his desire to provide for his new girlfriend, assuming things go well, while also supporting his children and possible grandchildren. Specific methods include consulting a lawyer and creating trusts. Again, seeing a lawyer is one of the best forms of therapy around (alas, they’re not covered by your health insurance).

No, you may never have the confidence in your father that you used to have, or the easy ability to relax and feel close. You may often feel that the family was closer and safer when your mother was alive. You’ll know you’re doing your best, however, if you can prevent your fears and sadness from causing conflict while also doing what you can to protect the values she stood for.

STATEMENT:
“Since my mother died, I can’t stop feeling sad and helpless about things falling into chaos for my family. I know, however, that she left me with a strong personal legacy and that I can’t control the changes that must happen to my family now that she’s gone. I will help them, if I can, while going ahead with my own life.”

I wish I knew why I do so little with my social life. After working hard all day at my own business, having dinner, and then talking on the phone with my grown kids, I just go to bed. I work on Saturday, then do nothing on Sunday. I’ve got some good friends, but they’re married and I’m divorced, so it’s hard to hang out. I’m not lonely, exactly, but I wish I had a steady guy or at least was going out on dates, but I have no desire or energy to meet new people, so, aside from my work (which I do well) and immediate family, I’m not interested in leaving my home. I know I should be putting myself out there if I want a partner, but I can’t seem to care.

If you wonder why you’re not as energetic and active as you used to be, one reason is that you’re old, or at least not young, so you don’t have infinite energy or optimism. You know your time is limited—both day-to-day and on earth in general—so it’s harder to waste it on something you’re not enthusiastic about.

From what you’ve said, however, your schedule seems full by any age standard; you work all day and keep in good touch with your family, so you’ve got good reason to be tired. Your time is well spent, so you feel spent, as well.

I assume you’d say if you were depressed or too disorganized to do anything but work. The leading possibility for your solitude then is that you’re tired and haven’t given yourself a good reason to go dating, and one should only date if there’s a good reason. Otherwise, HBO would make for a better companion.

The bad reason to go dating is the one you see in the beer ads– to laugh, have a good time, and get tipsy. If you’re good at sizing people up and generating positive chemistry without really connecting, then sex ensues without complication. Unfortunately, the few people with these skills are usually men, mostly young, and often gay. If you’re more the connecting type—and older women usually are—then this kind of dating wears you out and sends you back into an even deeper hibernation.

The good reason to go dating is to select a partner, knowing that doing it right is often more work than fun. That’s because screening is necessary to protect yourself from heartache, including whatever bad things happened to your marriage. Screening is a rational, business-like process of saying no to lots of possible candidates so you’ll have time and energy to interview the few who might fill the bill. You need energy and discipline to avoid the sexy, fun people who don’t meet the necessary character requirements. If screening is too much fun, you’re probably not doing it right.

If you want a partner, commit time to the project. Draw up a list of necessary qualifications, focusing on character traits that make a partnership last and strengths that would compensate for your weaknesses. Don’t mention or even think about beaches, sunsets, or the ability to make a frittata. Then choose a search booster, such as the internet or a social club.

Don’t assume you need to enjoy going out to go out, or that you need to go out, period. If you do your homework and know what you’re looking for, you’ll have better luck, you won’t get worn down, and you’ll find the search meaningful, regardless of how it turns out.

If you don’t have the oomph to put in the work, it’s only because your energy is already put to good use elsewhere. Just because you lack a partner doesn’t mean your life is lacking, so if you can’t start a solid search, start to appreciate what you’ve got.

STATEMENT:
“Compared to my old social self, I seem tired and listless—the true death of a party, if I bothered to attend—but I’m also older and wiser and know I could enjoy a good partnership. I’ll rely on my experience and discipline to look for the right person, and save the socializing for opportunities that might pay off with more than a fun evening and a hangover.”

It’s been 10 years since I discovered my wife’s long history of serial infidelity and divorced her, but I still think of her occasionally with the feeling that I’ve ruined my life. We were together for 20 years and I loved her, never suspecting anything, and then she took lots of my money and a good piece of my heart. Now I keep busy and have a good social life but, every now and then when I’m blue, I feel that my train got derailed, I can’t make sense of what happened, and nothing has seemed right since. My goal is to get over that feeling.

Discovering that your long-term partner isn’t really the person you thought she was can be shattering. It’s not just a loss of love and a certain way of life, it’s feeling like you’ve lost your ability to see the world accurately, protect yourself, and know whom to trust. Suddenly, your marriage seems like the Matrix.

More fundamentally, you can no longer trust your ability to know what’s meaningful and what’s predatory. In case you think you’re alone, think of all the novels and films made about this phenomenon. You’ve been stripped of a pillar of your self-confidence, and you have to build yourself back up. At least you’re just searching for your self-esteem and not a one-armed man.

Begin by asking whether you missed seeing flaws in your ex that were obvious to others. My guess is that you didn’t or you would have mentioned it, so, there’s nothing wrong with your ability to read people. What’s wrong is with the world, not you, and while that makes things seem worse, it’s actually better to be scared of the world rather than of yourself.

Review your own conduct. It hurts to lose love and trust, but it’s more dangerous to act like an asshole. If you didn’t, as I assume, then you’re not the one who has to worry about himself. You’re hurting, but your character is fine. You feel terrible having to live without your wife, but better that than being your wife and having to live with yourself.

So, instead of cursing yourself for catastrophes you couldn’t have predicted, respect what you’ve done with this experience. You haven’t retreated from life and relationships or changed your values. You’re a good survivor, so don’t be afraid to get back on the horse if you haven’t already. At this point, you’re probably better at spotting danger than most people since you’ve been well trained. Follow the usual procedures (see above) and try to find someone good without exposing yourself to the “fun” of close encounters with people who can’t be real friends. You’ve had enough of that for many lifetimes.

You’ve been traumatized, yes, but not derailed, and while you feel cheated, you’ve actually been released. Don’t expect the wounds to disappear, but instead of fixating on how you got hurt, respect what you’ve done with the scars.

STATEMENT:
“I may never feel as comfortable and confident as I did before I was betrayed, but I know I’m not a fool, I haven’t lost my ability to be a good friend, and I won’t stop looking for and building good relationships.”

I constantly feel the black dog shadowing me. Mostly I can function and I pay it a gentle nod on my daily musings but every now and again the feeling is so great I want to slide on into the abyss. I may allow myself to indulge for a day or so but am careful to put in place an exit plan before I do (I know this place can feel so good but not really be good). It often takes great effort to avoid this feeling and even more so to get out of it. Lately I’ve been wondering if my approach is purely avoidance on my part rather than management. Does it really matter if it’s working? Yet I feel that slowly the effectiveness is waning and I seem to have a feeling of despair more often. Is it poor anxiety management driving the depression?

Your letter focuses so much on your subjective, “black dog” feelings of depression that I don’t know whether you A, feel seduced by the idea of taking time off to indulge sad ruminations, B, are low enough that you’re planning your suicide, or C, crave scones from the same-named bakery Martha’s Vineyard.

If the answer is B and you believe you are capable of harming yourself, you need to get away from the computer and into an emergency room right away. Since your letter doesn’t read as totally helpless (or New England-based), however, I’m going to assume the answer is A.

Your feeling-focused ambiguity leaves me (and you) uncertain as to whether your depressive time-outs are becoming worse or dangerous, by impairing your ability to work and sustain relationships. The answer is to be found in your actions, not your feelings; think less black dog, more black and white.

If you want to know how you’re doing, make like Mayor Ed Koch and ask the people you know, focusing on the facts rather than their feelings, your feelings about their feelings, etc. Ask your close friends and family whether you’ve been flaking out on them or doing other things that worry or annoy them. Consider whether you’re getting your work done and doing the tough things that survival sometimes requires, like a job search. Stop meditating, ask a few questions, then get back to the question at hand.

You’re right, of course, that depression can often create an addictive-level need to get away and go to bed, urges which, if satisfied, tend to cause more depressing situations. You’re also right to regard flirtations with depressive urges as dangerous for all the reasons above.

So put those feelings on a leash. Develop your own system for monitoring depressive behavior, so you can be confident that you have it well managed. If it’s pushing you harder and/or encroaching on your activities, push back harder. Exercise, get a good therapist, and/or ask your friends to help you keep moving and engaged. And, if the non-medical methods don’t work or the depression is moving too fast, start medication trials.

Ultimately, managing your depression and teaching yourself to avoid depressive thoughts are the same thing. For those who suffer from depression, periods of deep despair come and go at the disease’s whim; all you can control is how you handle it, and with support, strategy, and patience, you can outrun the shadow, whatever form it takes.

STATEMENT:
“Giving in to depressive feelings sometimes feels good and usually feels better than fighting them, but I know where that leads, so I have a good method for taking my own depressive temperature and good plans in place in case the results tell me I need to worry.”

I’m not basically unhappy but I sure hate what’s happening to my marriage, which has lasted for 15 years and 2 kids and which I don’t want to see end. My husband says he can’t stand my talking too much, too often, and too loud and he’s ready to leave. His complaints drive me crazy because there’s no specific issue to talk about, so I ask him to tell me exactly what I said wrong and he says “You’re doing it again,” meaning that I’m talking and pushing him for an answer. I want to get him into therapy so maybe a therapist can explain to me what I’m doing wrong, since I can’t get it out of my husband. My goal is to save my marriage.

Your goal, unfortunately, is to save your marriage by communicating with your husband, a technique we are loath to recommend. Clearly, having an ability to express yourself is good in some situations, e.g., to warn away your kid from touching something hot. Maybe your expressiveness was one of the things your husband liked about you way back when, but the novelty (and patience) have long since worn off.

Talk, however, even when it follows a period of listening, can be experienced as nothing other than coercion, particularly if the words are loud, emotional, repetitive and uttered late at night or when you’re tired. So, as much as you rely on and need communication, you also need to know when to shut up.

The need to talk is like the need to withdraw (see above). When, for various reasons, the need is really strong, it’s hard to control your behavior, which, in your case, will cause you to have more questions and a stronger need to talk. If you find a couples therapist who encourages you to open up, you’ll like him but your husband won’t, gaining you nothing and losing you lots of cash.

As we always say, you won’t get sick from bottling up feelings. You’re more likely to get sick from expressing them, particularly after you experience the grief and dislocation of divorce.

Shutting up gives you a chance to think, and thinking allows you to ask yourself what you need from him and why you need to keep talking. Usually, the reasons are understandable but not rational, meaning that you want him to do something or respond in some way that is not likely to happen, whether it’s being nicer to the kids, showing more affection, or being around more. Nagging someone to be better is the best way to make them act worse.

The good news is, if you’re getting nowhere, you have little reason to keep saying the same things over and over. It’s time to ask yourself whether you can accept him and your communication frustrations the way they are.

By not talking to him, you’re opening communications with yourself. After you’ve figured out what you can and can’t change about him, figure out what you’re going to do about it. Then let him know as succinctly as possible. No, you may not be able to speak up about what you want whenever you want, but you can always speak up about where you stand.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard for me to stop talking when my husband refuses to do things that obviously need doing, but I know that talking doesn’t make it better. If I believe we’re a good enough team in spite of our problems, I’m going to learn new communication skills at a Trappist monastery.”

My father worked hard to support our family, but he never stops complaining about how hard his life has been and how he much he was disappointed by my mother, and his complaints really bother me. I guess my mother was more competent when they got married, but after my older sister was born she got depressed, took to her bed, and didn’t do much of anything for the next 20 years, which put a huge burden on the family finances. My parents stuck together and she’s able to work now, but my father has been complaining for as long as I remember. When I was a young adolescent, I’d try to console him, and then he’d get angry at me for criticizing my mother. Now when he starts to moan about his hard life, I have trouble not leaving the room. My goal is to get him to stop, or not have to listen to him.

No matter how much pain and guilt your father’s whining brings to his marriage, he’s never going to stop being a complainer. You can get him to stop complaining about your mother, but only by getting him to complain about you.

On the one hand, it’s unfortunate that he’ll never stop torturing you or your mother for giving him such a hard, sad life. On the other hand, you don’t have to accept his garbage notion that anyone is responsible for his hard, sad life in the first place.

That means you don’t have to console him or make him feel better, which is good, because you already know where that leads. It’s one reason you’re irritated with him; you feel you’re supposed to make him feel better and you can’t, nor can you make him shut up. You’ll never make him shut up, but now you have permission not to listen.

While you’re the one who has to decide whether you’re responsible for consoling him or not, your father isn’t likely to give you his blessing if you decide against it. So that’s another goal you’ll need to abandon; counting on your father’s agreement and support for your right not to listen to his complaints.

Of course, whining isn’t good for anyone, including your father and those who feel obliged to listen to him, so why not impose a better set of values on the discussion. In your case, you have rich material for creating a positive perspective. You can accept his idea that his life was hard while dismissing the notion that it was anyone’s fault. After all, your mother didn’t get depressed on purpose.

Yes, there were more bills, less income, and the burden of raising kids by himself, so applaud your father for rising to the occasion. He hung in, worked harder, remained loyal, and raised his family. It doesn’t help to dwell on the pain or should-have-beens; you don’t care whether he could have been a contender. What you admire is the way he was committed to supporting his family and being a good father (albeit a whiny one) regardless of the death of his other dreams and opportunities.

More than it exasperates you, his complaining undermines the nobility of his efforts. Show your respect by refusing to talk about the past as other than an accomplishment which will always make you proud and grateful. So, if he starts complaining, don’t defend your mother—defend him and all he’s done despite hardship. And if he still won’t stop the negativity, politely depart.

STATEMENT:
“My inability to stop my father’s complaints about my mother’s weaknesses makes me feel guilty and irritated, but I can’t change his life or the past or stop him from blaming her. I will not let myself be distracted from his accomplishments, however, or let his unhappiness and anger shape my view of our family history. He was a hero to raise us with so little help, and my mother was a hero to endure the depression as well as my father’s complaints. Life is hard, but they persevered.”

I can’t stop feeling suspicious of my wife. There’s something about the way she looks at me and isn’t interested in sex that makes me sure she’s got a relationship going on the side. I remember when I was her side relationship (though we were only friends then) and how she kept me a secret from her ex-boyfriend. Now I’m sure she’s keeping something secret from me. She says it’s all in my head and it’s true that I have no proof, but I’ve been right about every previous girlfriend I’ve ever had—I always knew when they were cheating—so I’m sure I’m right now. My goal is to get her to admit it, so I can move on.

It’s never a good idea to make someone else responsible for easing your feelings, because, once you give them that responsibility, you’ve made yourself a hostage. You’ve given yourself the right to blame, lost the right to choose, and done wrong by your relationship.

Your goal isn’t to get your wife to relieve your suspicions; it’s to find a wife you don’t need to be suspicious of. That means being with someone who never tends to cheat, not someone who makes you feel so loved and attended to that you don’t doubt her loyalty—until life gets real, the excitement dies down, and reality starts to come into view.

You knew before you married her that she likes secret liaisons, so you made a bad choice. Now you want to blame her for destroying your marriage and not letting you move on, but the fault isn’t hers, and continuing to press her and feel this way can cripple you and turn you into a monster.

You can and do deserve a faithful partner, but first you need to overcome your own neediness and attraction to intense women with complicated pasts. Before that happens, decide for yourself what to do with your marriage. You’ve described nothing that your wife could say, or you could observe, that would restore your trust in her. If there’s nothing you can do, then there’s no responsibility for doing it, for either of you. There’s no point in debating whether it’s her fault for making you suspicious or yours for being over-reactive. The game is over, you’re free to move on and cease torturing yourself and her.

You’re also obliged to learn from this experience. From now on, look for a partner who’s always been steady, and don’t consider partnership until you’ve spent some boring, cranky time together and discovered whether you can tolerate the grouchy bonding-but-not-loving chemistry without going crazy with suspicion. If you can, then you’ve got a winner.

Until then, get a dog, play Words with Friends, and count yourself lucky for having learned how to resist your attraction to women who can’t be trusted, at least not by you.

STATEMENT:
“I feel compelled to discover whether my wife has been gas-lighting me with false reassurances of fidelity but really, I know that will do me no good. I will find someone whose background I trust and, until then, work to get over the pain of ending my marriage.”

I know I have a pretty good life, but I seem to always be stressed, which seems largely self-inflicted due to my high standards for myself at work and home. I tend to overdo it trying to meet my self-imposed goals and feel stressed a lot trying to achieve, and upset when I don’t meet this standard. For example, I freak out if my work isn’t done on time, and if I don’t get all my chores done by the end of the weekend. I generally freak out if anything is in my inbox for more than a few days. My goal is to chill out and enjoy life more, instead of stressing out over impossible deadlines, and to more effectively prioritize what actually needs to be done ASAP vs. things that can wait.

There are many analogies made using the gazelles around the watering hole, but as tragic as that one weak gazelle’s fate is, at least, before he died, he wasn’t suffering from stress.

Sub a watering hole for a water cooler, and you see why stress has its advantages; to the degree that stress and high standards push you to work harder and do a better job, they help you survive. Gurus on TV tell you about the advantages of relaxation, but gazelles will tell you otherwise.

On the other hand, if stress makes you dysfunctional, or your freak-outs get you fired or divorced, stress is a problem. Your goal then isn’t to stop feeling stressed, because that may not be possible and it also may not be a good idea unless you have the discipline to get things done and survive without it.

Instead, your goal is to manage stress by thinking through what’s necessary rather than doing what feels necessary, and then following your own managerial goals regardless of what stress, anxiety or compulsiveness push you to do. Sometimes, as a manager, the tough part is to get yourself moving when you feel like sitting, and sometimes it’s sitting (and meditating or deep-breathing) when you feel like hauling ass.

Develop a system for setting deadlines and reminding yourself when work is due, and/or consult a coach or read a book on work-management. If you work compulsively because you’re afraid of forgetting something, then a good work-tracking system may improve your efficiency while allowing you to chill.

For now, don’t get stressed about being stressed. Your compulsiveness and perfectionism will probably never go away, but, assuming you’re prepared to live with them, your management goals are reasonable. Pursue them, and you’ll not only outwit predators, you’ll keep stress from managing you.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to feel like I’m slipping behind or doing less than a perfect job, but I believe in the value of a balanced life more than I believe in being perfect, so I will learn how to set priorities and pace myself. I will become a good stress manager, regardless of how stressful it is to learn.”

My sister is almost always unhappy and angry about life. She’s very smart and funny and has a good legal practice, but she always notices the negative, which is either her own mistakes or the things other people have done to let her down. I know our mother was difficult and our father did little to protect her, but they loved us. She’s caught more than her share of bad breaks, including getting dumped by a guy she was crazy about, but she just doesn’t get over things easily and, if I’m not very sympathetic, she makes me feel I’m one of the enemy. She complains that talking to me never makes her feel better. I worry that, if I argue, she might stop talking to me—I know that’s happened with several of her close friends and there was no making up afterwards. My goal is to help her, but what I want to do is confront her, and that would get me nowhere.

Being angry all the time is like being anxious all the time (see case above)—it’s probably a trait (or sometimes a reaction to a bad childhood) that can’t be changed. It’s also probably related to depression, which almost always makes people irritable. Like anxiety and depression, sadness and anger are close cousins; most angry people are miserable, and vice versa.

Before suggesting that your sister enroll in an anger management course, however, I’d have to agree with you that the suggestion might make her angrier. That’s what’s toughest about her dilemma and yours; being too angry too much of the time makes her resentful of everyone who disappoints her which, in the end, is potentially every friend and relative, including you. So your goal of helping her, in any direct way, is probably impossible.

If her anger didn’t completely destroy her sense of trust, then she might tell you she wished she wasn’t so angry and that she regretted the things she said and did while in a rage. If that were true, however, you would probably feel less helpless and angry yourself, and she’d probably be receptive to trying a number of therapies, including Dialectic Behavior Therapy, anger management groups, or individual time with a good anger coach.

If she thinks of herself as depressed and wouldn’t take it as criticism, remind her that medication might reduce her symptoms, including irritability. Maybe if she were less irritable, she could observe her negative thinking without believing in what it tells her.

If she accuses you of being unhelpful, accept that she speaks the truth, though it’s no one’s fault, just her condition, so agree with her and back off. Prepare to love her from, if not afar, at least a couple blocks away.

It’s sad that you can’t get her past her anger and its negative impact on her friendships and beliefs. Take pride, however, in your ability to bear the pain of loving her and making the best of it, because she’s your sister, and because her anger doesn’t have to be contagious.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t stand the helplessness of hearing my sister’s unhappiness and anger and being able to say nothing that won’t make it worse, but that’s the way it is. In spite of that, I’ve kept our relationship from breaking down, mainly by keeping my mouth shut, and that’s an accomplishment to be proud of.”