Just after my girlfriend and I started dating, she decided she had to stop hanging out with her closest friends, not because I told her to, but because she decided they partied too much and it wasn’t good for her anymore. I supported that 100%, but it puts a lot of pressure on me to spend a lot of time with her since she literally has no one else to hang out with anymore. Plus, I have to travel a lot for work, which is why I took the job, because I love being on the road. Even though she knows this about me and tells me it’s OK, I can tell that my leaving town really depresses her and so I feel really guilty because I know she’ll be really lonely when I’m gone. I want things to work with her, but I can’t change who I am and don’t want to change what I do. What can I do to feel less guilty? How much compromise is too much?

I’m not sure if this is comforting, but it’s not guilt telling you that you’re making your girlfriend unhappy. I can see why this is confusing, because your girlfriend isn’t outwardly saying she’s unhappy, either.

Still, guilt isn’t your problem because you haven’t made vows, you don’t have bad intentions, and you don’t owe her something for giving up friends and a lifestyle that weren’t good for her in the first place.

You feel guilty just because you’ve chosen a lifestyle that may make her unhappy, but, given that you’re the ramblin’ kind, it’s also your responsibility to find out if you’re the right boyfriend for her.

You can’t help the fact that you’ve got traveling shoes that don’t come off and a priority that’s even more important than pleasing her, which is to find out whether she can tolerate your traveling ways. Otherwise, pleasing her becomes a dangerous and destructive prison.

It’s good that you know your work priorities require you to travel. That’s nothing to feel guilty about, but it means that, if you want a partner, she’d better be independent, or the two of you are going to be very unhappy. Yes, it’s OK to fall in love and be on the road at the same time, but if she isn’t an independent type, it won’t work.

So, while it’s true that your actions may make her unhappy, that isn’t your fault. What you need to know is whether she and you can bear that pain without it destroying your relationship. If you flinch and say you’re sorry, you’re implying that you could make things better, but you can’t, so don’t. Naturally, you don’t want to make her suffer, but you need to know whether she can hack it, because this is the way it has to be.

Evaluate her independence by looking at her track record, not just her wishes. Just because she loves you enough to straighten out her life and tell you she’s willing to put up with your absences doesn’t mean she has the strength to do so.

So stifle your guilt and check out her strength. . You are who you are, and she’s not going to change, so either things work with the personalities you’ve got, or the wheels have to hit the road.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement that prevents guilt and fear from distracting you from what matters. “We have a wonderful relationship and I can see how much you’re committed to making it work, but you know that travelling is an unavoidable part of my life, so you need to be very independent and able to tolerate long absences if we’re to have a chance at a partnership that could work. That’s the question I need to ask both of us: whether you would be able to tolerate my traveling lifestyle without feeling lonely, lost and deserted.”

I know it’s sappy, but I do believe that there’s someone for everyone, and that the right guy is out there and I just haven’t met him yet. In the meantime, I’ve put up with a lot of Mr. Wrongs, from guys who don’t open the door for me or pay for dinner on the first date to guys who just live like slobs and only call back on “their schedule.” Some of my friends think I’m too quick to dismiss men for stupid reasons, but if I know what I want, why settle? In the meantime, I’m sick of putting up with losers, and I do have a nagging worry that the one guy for me is just never going to cross my path because I’ll be on a date with a jerk instead. How do I wade through the losers to find the one?

You’ve got a good attitude towards dating because you’re realistic about how draining and sad the process can be if you don’t put as much effort into self-protection as you do into flowers and horseshit.

There’s no such thing as dismissing guys too quickly when you’re dating; the faster the better, but only if it’s for the right reasons. Dating is a two-priority process, unfortunately, requiring both seeking and self-defense, which is why there are no guarantees and why you need to be tough and careful as well as attractive.

My only concern about your dating philosophy is your unflagging belief in your chosen one. If you’re very good at dating, there are still no guarantees that you’ll find someone, let alone the prefect someone of your dreams.

On the other hand, your singleness is not your fault, and pretty people won’t necessarily do any better. Pretty people aren’t guaranteed a soul mate, either. Just free drinks.

So, instead of judging your pickiness by your friends’ opinions, ask yourself what you’re looking for. Don’t waste time on a nice smile, or a sexy feeling, or a six pack (abs or beer). Start with the same essentials you’d put on the job description for anyone you would want to do business and/or spend time with: reliability, generosity, and the presence of abilities you find impressive and helpful for whatever it is you want to do. If a man has those qualities but doesn’t clean up after himself, it might be worth ignoring the slobbery.

Most prospects don’t meet those criteria, so don’t get sentimental about hurting their feelings or looking extra hard for that diamond in the rough. You said it well: the big reason for missing Mr. Right is wasting time (and heartache) with Mr. Wrong. Just don’t confuse Mr. Wrong with Mr. Lacks-Total-Perfection.

STATEMENT:
Give yourself a sensible mission statement. “I’d like to date someone who’s attractive and fun, but my bigger priority is to find someone solid who’s attractive enough and won’t waste my time, and that’s hard to do. I will need to be disciplined, smart, and tough to find someone good; perfection is an illusion. If I find someone good, I can enjoy romance and pretend he’s perfect; but until then, I’ve got a job to do.”

My husband quit drinking four years ago. I supported his decision to get sober, but I’m disappointed with the result. He used to be a fun goofball, but now he’s a dull grump, and I don’t like his company (and he doesn’t seem to like mine, either). We’ve started to go our separate ways but he’s not interested in talking about it. My goal is to restore the chemistry of our marriage and the good parts of his character without driving him back to drink.

Having fun with your husband is not your top measure of a partner. If you want fun, go out and have a drink.

Acceptance, rather than fun or passion, is the most essential requirement for a long-term relationship, and now you know it. Oh, first marriages have so much to teach you.

To find out whether you can accept a prospective partner, don’t go on a bar crawl; spend time together sober, tired, stressed, hungry, and short of money.

You’ll find out whether you can work together and trust the guy to do his share, shut up about the things he doesn’t like, and not irritate you too much by what he says when he’s dumb. That’s a better measure of true love than the tingle you get from laughing at one another’s sloshed jokes.

You have two choices at this point in your marriage. One possibility is to accept your husband the way he is and try to put aside the understandable anger and sadness about what you’ve lost. You can’t have the happy guy back unless you also want his alcoholism, and you don’t.

By the way, if your goal is to communicate with him before you’ve decided whether you can accept him, you’ll probably give him an earful of your sorrow, disappointment, and anger, and that will drive him away, but not before giving you an earful in return. Your best bet is to shut up until you’ve made up your mind.

The other choice, if you can’t accept your husband the way he is, is to stop being married. It’s not pretty, but the fact is, you can’t talk him into being the guy you want. Talk instead to yourself about whether you can accept the sober guy he now is.

Having finished your most important conversation—with yourself—you’re now ready to let him know which direction you want to go in. Either you can make it work with your dry husband, or take your newly acquired wisdom to marriage #2.

STATEMENTS:
Here are two alternate statements that avoid negative statements about who he isn’t and say positive things about what you want to do.

If you think you can accept him: “I want us to spend more time together. I’ve been hung over from the indirect effect of alcohol on our relationship; but I respect what you’ve done and I want to try new, sober ways for us to have fun, find common interests, and work together.”

If you know you can’t accept him: “I admire your sobriety, but alcohol interfered with my ability to get to know you, and, now that I know you better, I respect what you’ve done but think that we’re not meant for one another.”

I’ve been working for the same company for almost twenty years. I started at the very bottom and have worked my way up to a respectable position in middle management. I’ve never gotten a poor review, never had a dispute with a superior, never let my responsibilities slide. That’s why I’m totally bewildered by my new boss’ persistent criticism of my performance. I haven’t changed a thing, but he’s constantly telling me he thinks I’m slow on my projects, even though he can’t pin down anything I’m doing wrong. My goal is to get him to see that it’s his judgment, not my ability, that’s flawed.

The trouble with telling your boss he’s wrong is that it pushes him to find more fault with you. The chance of changing his mind, if he’s really down on you, is zip.

If anything, he’s more likely to prove he’s right by making it his project to get you fired. If you can’t convince him he’s wrong with your stellar performance, a talking-to won’t help. Sadly, you’re now employee of the month at Fucked Industries.

If you pay too much attention to his response, you’ll get angry at his lack of respect or appreciation for your good work, which will cause you to scowl, lose your motivation, and do less work, which will prove him right and make your actions and self-respect reactive to his stupidity. Don’t talk to him, and don’t react to him more than absolutely necessary.

Instead, assess your own work and be sure it meets your own standards; if you have two decades of positive reviews, that’s tons of evidence that it does. Then move forward, knowing that your work is OK, you’re probably not going to change your boss’s mind, and you need to make a living.

If it’s safe, see if you’ve got enough support from other higher-ups to counteract your boss’ influence. Warm up your résumé, and start looking at other options (e.g., if there’s an opening at It’s A Living And Co.)

Now you’re ready to talk to him. Give him a prepared, positive response that edits out all anger, attack, or defense, and pose for your “employee of the month” picture with a shit-eating grin.

STATEMENT:
“I greatly regret that you have not been satisfied with my work. I paid close attention to your comments, reviewed my work habits, and considered ways of either improving my work, if I thought it was deficient, and/or presenting it to better advantage if I thought communication was the problem. I’ve reviewed supervisory input from the past 20 years—all of it positive, I’m happy to say—requested additional input from current colleagues, and compared current with past performance. My conclusion is that I’ve been doing good work and that your dissatisfaction results from a difference in our styles. I will continue to listen carefully to your input and hope to win your satisfaction.”

I’m not crazy about my grown-up step-kids, but they’re not bad people, they just tend to be disappointed in me for some reason or other and then complain to my wife, who then tries to smooth out our relationship by telling me about their issues and urging me to talk with them, maybe with a therapist. She’s very nice about it, but every time I try to speak up about what actually happened or clear up a misunderstanding, I sound like I’m calling the kids unrealistic and self-centered (which they are) and it makes things worse. My wife doesn’t blame anyone, but it distresses her that I and her kids don’t get along better and I hate to see her unhappy. So how can I improve things with my step-kids when we really don’t see eye to eye?

Your poor step-headaches. They’re unhappy and assume that mom should play diplomat.

Instead of justifying their complaints with “I’m just being honest” they should really say, “I’m just being an enormous jerk.”

This is a good example of honest sharing by people who are honestly unhappy with you but haven’t given much thought to whether there’s anything you can do about it (other than by being someone else). They haven’t even considered whether making them feel better is your responsibility.

Unlike them, don’t assume it’s your responsibility to return the favor with an equal amount of honest sharing—not unless you want to give your wife a headache and enjoy a long, dirty bout of Greco-Roman mud wrestling.

If, as you say, the step-sort-of-adults want you to be someone you aren’t, and it isn’t a matter of your bad behavior, then you can’t make them happy or reach a better understanding by improving communications. If only you were behaving badly, you could make things better by improving, but you’re not, so you can’t, and you’re fucked.

Whether her kids complain to you or her, your job isn’t to work things out (unless you believe it’s really possible); it’s to live up to your own standards for being a respectful step-dad and keeping conflict to a minimum.

If you can’t make things right for your wife, you can respect her wish to improve family relationships while minimizing your exposure to criticism. The technique is simple, but requires you to shut up about your real feelings and give up on the idea that your wife can understand your predicament.

So let the step-kids complain all they want. If these were actually your kids, you would’ve imparted an important lesson to them early on: when it comes to sharing feelings, honesty is not always the best policy.

STATEMENT:
Here’s the formula. “I know your kids are not entirely happy with me and I’ve given careful thought to the problems they’ve shared with you. I intend to let them know I’ve heard their concerns and, to the degree that I can, I’ll make things better. If, as I suspect, some of their distress arises from differences in our personalities, we can’t expect it to go away or be resolved by discussion, but we can certainly learn to accept one another, avoid negative interactions, and make the best of your wonderful relationship with your children, which I am determined to support in any way possible.”

I know I’m good at what I do (let’s just call it finance), but I get held back because I’m terrible at networking and socializing in general. So much of my business is about going out and making connections, and I find talking to strangers, especially ones I’d like to work with or for, to be the most painful and awkward experience in the world. I get incredibly self-conscious, feel like I’m talking too much or too little, get distracted and antsy, and just want to go home or back to work. I also don’t drink anymore—I was never a drunk really, but I thought it held me back in college—so that makes my awkwardness even worse. If I don’t learn how to shmooze, however, I’m never going to get ahead. My goal is to get over my awkwardness.

Don’t hate your own awkwardness. People who have a heightened sense of shame about their social behavior become more awkward, which makes them more ashamed, and you’re spiraling into social phobia. It’s like stuttering; the more you think about it, the worse it gets.

It’s true that, when you’re in school, social awkwardness seems to condemn you to being a nerd loser who never gets laid. Fortunately, nerds have their revenge, and they get it, not by becoming socially gifted, but by entering a world that also rewards skills, reliability, and experience, and this boosts their confidence as they get older.

While networking is a big part of the business world (as you know, most business school tuition should include a bar tab), it’s not the only way to get ahead. You could get your job to pay for further business courses, or try to talk to/impress your boss one-on-one in a small talk, anecdote-free environment.

If small talk is necessary, you don’t have to be talented to learn how to do it; you just need to be humble enough to stumble through exercises that others could do easily. Again, accepting your disability makes it easier to manage it.

In the meantime, when you do find yourself at networking functions, don’t get tied up trying to be the cool guy you aren’t. Try for more one-on-one conversations, sip your Diet Coke, and enjoy a night out with your awkward self.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to chart your course of self-improvement. “I value my achievements and values but recognize that I could use better people skills. There’s no point in criticizing myself for being ungifted in this area. I’m proud that I’m willing to work on my weakness if and when I think it’s necessary.”

Most people thing my mom is really fun, if a little flaky and emo, but they don’t see how crazy and mean she gets when there’s no one around but my brother and me (my parents are divorced). When she’s in a bad mood, she tells us we’ve been mean to her, and reminds us of things we’ve said that hurt her, and tells us how bad we are until we’ve apologized, and then she forgets it ever happened. There’s one cousin who’s seen what she gets like and I rely on him to remind me that it’s OK, she’s crazy, but the other day he seemed charmed by her and then, when I complained, he told me I had to get over her and not be so angry, and now I feel totally unsupported. My goal is to get someone to understand what’s going on.

Nothing gets people more stirred up than dramatically pitched false accusations and punishments by a powerful, inescapable, totally two-faced authority, like your mama.

The good news is that, while you’ve got the makings of a perfect soap opera, it sounds like you’re not getting swept away by it.

The trouble with soap operas, of course, is that they trap the good guys into endless rounds of angry, hurt reactions to crazy bad guys. In the process, they take up huge amounts of time and energy for tears and talk, talk, talk before, finally, there’s a glimmer of comfort and validation…before the cycle starts all over again.

The process leaves no time for any other (boring, make-a-living) activities or relationships, positive or negative, and the good guys’ angry responses and efforts to expose the villain usually make them more vulnerable to slander in an endless vicious circle.

So enjoy validation if it comes your way, but don’t seek it out too intensely or your life will become ready for daytime. Besides, even if somebody sees what your mother’s really like, her behavior is not going to change. Sadly, you drew her number in the mother lottery and won a nut job.

Not to be indelicate, but, as you might have guessed, your mama sounds a little crazy. On the positive side, that basically means, while her behavior is erratic and sometimes cruel, it’s not personal, just like your cousin says.

She’s not motivated by anything except a blip in her brain, so keep that in mind when you’re tempted to “fight back,” because you can’t win against crazy, no matter who acknowledges how crazy she is.

Your goal then isn’t to out your mother as a witch from hell, but to keep doing whatever you think is positive, good for you, and likely to spring you free, like getting your schoolwork done, keeping busy with out-of-house activities, and keeping these goals in mind when she does blow up and accuse you of untold (and likely fictitious) evils.

There’s more good news in that it sounds like that’s what you’re doing; you’re not describing angry, “cry-for-help” drug-downing or cop-defying behavior that will accelerate the soap opera cycle at the expense of your health and future independence.

You’re moving ahead, regardless of anger and turmoil, and that’s what you need to do. Forget exposing her two faces, because nobody will be happy if the soap hits the fan.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a standard business plan for growing up with a closeted witch. “I’ve got good reason to believe I don’t do bad things unless she gets me mad, and I can’t stop her from getting me mad, even if the world knows it’s her fault, so I’ve got to believe in myself and pursue my regular goals, like schoolwork and building a life. I can’t expect to be happy when she gets going, but if I can keep my mouth shut and fight the temptation to join her in big, dramatic scenes, I’ll be doing a good job and acquiring an excellent training in how to be a therapist.”

I’m a psychotherapist with a small but thriving practice. I’m also recovering from an addiction to pain meds (please note: I cannot prescribe medication, nor can anybody in my practice, so there’s no ethics violation there, I got my pills like any other druggie would). I’ve been completely sober for three years now, but I’m afraid to be open about my problem with almost anyone, including my family, because I can’t see how people would respect or want to get help from someone who was as messed up as I was (and I know most drug counselors are addicts, but I think this is different). The problem is, I feel more stressed than ever. I’m burning out on my practice because I’m always staying late and trying hard to make sure everyone is settled before I let them out of my office. And I feel terrible about not spending enough time with my family, and I never have time for myself. I feel I’m in danger of slipping, but there’s no escape.

Your drug use might be under control, but right now, your life isn’t.

Your life is being managed by your need to do a perfect job and keep your patients safe and happy. Meanwhile, you’re running out of gas, losing credibility with friends and family, and slipping closer to the pit of pain pills.

You’re not at the wheel, your desires are, and we know where that road leads. Caring too much about how people feel and doing a perfect job are what got you into this mess in the first place.

You can’t make people happy, particularly if you’re a shrink. Patients are unhappy; that’s why they’re patients. So far, there’s no cure to life sucking, so, like a good physical therapist, your job is to use your time efficiently to offer coping tools. After that, it’s quitting time.

Sometimes people are helped; but sometimes they’re disappointed. Your job is to do a good professional job and then move on to other responsibilities.

Then there are patients who want to hold someone responsible for their unhappiness, and their therapist is target number one. They know you haven’t done enough, or you’ve done the wrong thing, or you need to do more. If you react too much to their beliefs, you’ll never leave the office.

Of course, you can’t stop being sensitive, because that’s your nature; I might as well ask you to start writing with your other hand or grow a foot overnight. Instead, accept your sensitivity and learn to manage it.

You need to take pride in how you manage your weaknesses and, to do that, you must first acknowledge them, not disown them. Out yourself and lay claim to the management credit you deserve.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a management directive. “I always feel better if people respect me and are happy with my work; but I will not let that need interfere with my building better self-control, limiting workaholism, and doing what I think is right to balance my life. The greater my weaknesses, the more right I have to be proud of what I’ve done with them and intend to do.”

On the plus side, I’m a pretty ambitious person; I have lots of dreams for different careers, adventures, academic pursuits, you name it. The problem is that I have problem with following through. Sure, it’s not easy to chase your dreams when you have a young kid (whom you’re raising alone), but I was like this before I had a baby, and now that I do have a child, I feel more compelled than ever to do something with my life and be a good example. I want to follow through with getting my masters in anything and making a good living, showing my kid that you can do anything you want. My goal is to finally follow through.

No matter how much you wish you could follow through more, you gotta ask yourself whether you’re a follow-through kind of person or not.

Some people just aren’t, so a congratulations/you’re screwed might be in order.

Maybe you believe the popular myth that everyone can be a follow-through person by just concentrating harder on following through, making an inspiration board and buying a dream-catcher something. Don’t. Not very inspiring, but the truth’s the truth.

Some brains aren’t made for following through, and, while it’s probably not impossible for you to do it, it’s just very hard. Ultimately, it won’t happen unless you find something you think is worth the sacrifice.

Meanwhile, if you push yourself to follow through because you wish you were a follow-through person, it won’t happen, and you’ll just wind up disrespecting yourself and ruining more bulletin boards with newspaper clippings and crap.

On the other hand, if you have a good reason to follow through, and you’re not just trying to prove yourself, you may very well find ways to screen out distractions, take extra time, ask friends for help, get coaching, whatever it takes to get the job done. You’ll do it better if you accept the fact that you’re not a natural at following-through and that you need extra help and time to do it.

Sure, you might not get everything done, but a non-follow-through person is more responsive to the here and now and to life as it comes along.

Ask yourself which kind of person you’d like to sit next to at a dinner party. Congratulations then; your equipment isn’t broken, it’s just not good for everything.

STATEMENT:
Time for a Stuart Smalley Speech of Self-Acceptance. “Sometimes I wish I could follow through much more than I have, but I’m a responsible, independent person and caring parent and I’ve found a way to be a good person using the style that I have. My job isn’t to show my child how to follow through, but how to follow through as much as necessary and as much as possible and that’s what I do. So I’ll dye my hair blond and take pride in being a ditsy person who meets her obligations.”

I hate my job, but I can’t leave it, because a, it’s a civil servant position, so the benefits are great, and b, I have literally failed at everything else I’ve tried. I’ve sold insurance, tried to open a pizza place, attempted to sell real estate…all that and more went bust. So now I’m a drone working a job that I literally can’t get fired from, and I’ve never been more miserable. My goal is to figure out why I can’t do well at something I actually like.

Many people say you should be able to make a living at something you like. You should, in a fair world. A world that is not the one we live in.

On the other hand, I didn’t hear you say that you failed to try hard, or that you stopped caring about making a living as an independent person, so I have to assume you’ve got good values and that, whatever went wrong, it’s not necessarily your fault.

I don’t know what part of each of these jobs went well for you, but my guess is that you were good at some part of each of these jobs, and that, if we knew what you liked and disliked about each of them, we’d see a pattern that would tell us how your mind works (and it does work, but again, maybe not the way you want it to).

We might find out that you’re a good entrepreneur with bad luck. Entrepreneurs like to take risks, but hard work doesn’t guarantee good luck. There are lots of good entrepreneurs who don’t strike it rich, it’s just that magazines and business schools tell us about the ones who do.

Maybe you were trying so hard to prove yourself that you never stopped to take stock of your strengths and weaknesses. People who are frustrated with their failures often become obsessed with trying harder, rather than trying smarter.

If you’re sure your failures were your fault, then you’ve been too ashamed to consider your weaknesses objectively, figure out if they’re important, and work on ways of living with them.

If you sat down with a good job counselor, you might be able to figure out what to avoid in a job and possibly find something you like more than what you’re doing. If that’s not possible, at least respect yourself for earning a living the hard way. Easy is not in your cards. You’re working to make a living and it isn’t fun.

If you were actually living in a fair world, in a science fiction universe, and you couldn’t find a fun job, I’d have to agree that it’s your fault. Not to worry, because you’re living here on earth. No one can blame you, except you. So don’t.

STATEMENT:
Time for another round of positive perspective. “I’m not well suited for any job I’ve found, but that hasn’t stopped me from doing what’s necessary to make a living. I hate the only job I’ve been able to hold, but that hasn’t stopped me from holding it because I had to, which is much tougher than holding a job you like.”

I’m an older woman with two advanced degrees in creative writing (one from Iowa, la di da). My career, on the other hand, hasn’t risen beyond doing commercial writing, be it technical or ad copy. I get published in small journals here and there, but after my first novel got a handful of rejections, my agent dropped me, and I haven’t been able to finish another novel in order to get a new agent and sell the first. My limited number of published pieces has also made it hard to get a teaching job, even though I got degree number 2 specifically to enter academia. So now I’m stuck working in advertising, and while it’s a good steady job that pays well, it still kills me a bit inside. Nevermind that I’ve absolutely struggled with depression my whole life, and while I take a handful of medications to control it, it’s just an added level of difficulty. Nonetheless, with my illness under control but my dream still very much out of control, my goal is to make this job work so I can settle and maybe even be happy.

You could say writing is a stupid career choice, given the unlikelihood of making money, and that academia isn’t much better, given the current job market. It’s as stupid as counting on a career in the NBA because you’re good at basketball.

The truth is, a large part of being a writer isn’t a matter of choice; it’s who you are, and trying to find a life that fits. It’s not so much a bad choice as a bum calling, with inspiration necessary but never promising to come when called.

The good news is that you’ve got a day job that involves writing, you’re making a living, you’re gathering experience that may inspire your next novel, and you can always find some teaching opportunities that will spiff up your credentials. For your parents, it’s very good news.

I know, my congratulations do nothing but cause your inner-writer chagrin. That voice says you’ve failed to fulfill your creative purpose, find your voice and message, connect with an audience, or put together something that moves people.

The good news, again, is that there’s nothing I or anyone can say to quiet that voice, because it will never let you be entirely happy. Short of getting a lobotomy, that voice will be your most constant companion, and if you succeed in writing a book that sells, his demands become more relentless.

So invent a good, kind speech for your inner narrator to tell yourself. You don’t control the result, so your job is to respect the effort. Consider the many writers and immortal characters, from Chekhov to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who remind us that we don’t fight against hardship to win, we fight to fight, regardless of the result.

If you’ve learned to carry on despite depression, you can keep on going even if your job isn’t ideal. Your story isn’t dramatic, but that’s precisely what makes it heroic.

STATEMENT:
Let your narrative voice frame the meaning of your efforts. “I wish I could do more writing and teaching, and someday I may, but in the meantime I have good reason to be proud of the compromise I struck between the need to make a living and the wish to do what I love, because it’s hard, it’s the best I can do, and it’s for a good cause.”

I was a promising graduate student in English, doing well, respected, enjoying talks about books and ideas, when something happened and I just faded out of the real world. Nothing traumatic happened to me. I didn’t get dumped or mugged. I just stopped getting my work done and the extensions grew longer and longer on my projects and papers until finally I had to leave without getting my PhD. Whenever I try to go back and finish off my old projects, I just stare at the computer. I’m sort of depressed and medications have helped me feel a little better, but I’m still not good at getting things done. Now I’m teaching high school English and the kids like me and I like teaching, when I’m prepared, which isn’t always. I never know when I’ll get paralyzed and not prepare a lesson plan or fail to grade papers. My goal is not to be the total fuck-up I’ve become.

Some people regard procrastination as a kind of laziness resulting from a secret loathing for work, or a rebellion against bosses, or a rage against life in general.

Those same people, however, are the ones who see mental illness as an emotional failure. They’re not all Scientologists, but they are all wrong.

The evidence is growing that procrastination arises from disordered neurology, the equivalent of “chemical imbalance” except sadder and scarier, because what’s happening is brain damage. You’re probably not firing on all cylinders, literally, since brain images shows cells missing from critical locations.

It happens to lots of people who’ve had depression, even when the depressed feeling gets better. It’s true, theoretically, you could grow new brain cells, but in practice, the damage often doesn’t improve.

I blame your neurons, not to let you off the hook, but to show you that, while you’ve got more ambition than most, you’re running on less horsepower. Which means your diagnosis is, you’re fucked. The good news, as always, is that there’s no point in blaming yourself, and there’s much you can do once you accept that you’re fucked and stop feeling ashamed.

No blame, but there’s no escaping the hook, and it hurts more because you have high ambitions, which causes more depression, and so on. You might not be able to meet deadlines, but you can still cook up brilliant thoughts, and there are worse ways to have a busted brain.

I know, it’s hard to feel proud when the teacher is farther behind on his homework than the kids, but that’s the way your equipment works, so do your best with it.

STATEMENT:
“I still care about English literature and teaching, but I have trouble doing what’s necessary for reasons I can’t help. So my goal is to try to provide good teaching by using a number of tricks, including asking my friends to help me stay on task and stick to a work schedule. I don’t know if I can teach a good course, but I’ll try, and I respect myself more for trying to get half-decent work out of a busted brain than great work from one that’s super-gifted.”

I have a 30-year-old patient whom I’ve been seeing in weekly psychotherapy for 6 months and he had a terrible history of sexual and physical abuse and years in state care. Amazingly, despite all his trauma and several prior failed treatments, he settled into a trusting relationship with me. He tells me I’m the first person he’s bonded with, and he’s been able to stop using cocaine, and, for the first time, sees some hope for himself. The problem is that he just got a new job, and I’m not covered by his new insurance plan. He wrote me a letter telling me how much he feels his recovery depends on continuing the treatment we’ve started and I feel professionally obliged to put his welfare ahead of my financial needs, but I’d like to get paid. My goal is to do right by my patient, and not trigger the feelings of abandonment that underlie much of his negative behavior, but I’m not sure how long I can afford to see him for nothing.

There are many therapists who believe the best thing you can do for a troubled patient like this is to “be there,” providing the steady acceptance and secure relationship that they need for healing. I’m not one of them.

The sad fact is that the healing power of currently available treatments is vastly over-rated and a good example of false hope and the harm it can cause.

What’s wrong is that our treatments, in terms of demonstrated effectiveness, are all rather weak, and it shouldn’t be surprising; we do our best, but life, such as it is, is a bitchmonster from hell. You can’t undo the past, change personality, stop drug cravings, or even guarantee that you’ll be available next week.

Look where you’re going with this treatment and “mind the gap,” as they say on the London Underground, because, as ideal a healer as you seem right now, there are many ways this dynamic could get tripped up.

For example, unexpectedly, you and/or your treatment rub the patient the wrong way. It may be that you fail to live up to an impossibly high ideal or that you have a bad day and say the wrong thing. When that happens, trust disappears and with it, your patient’s rationale for healing.

You try to stay calm, remain empathetic, and ride out the storm while resenting having your personality dissected for an unpaid hour. If your anger shows, it gives your patient more reason to feel victimized and find a therapist who can help him recover from his latest trauma/treatment.

Another common outcome is the “Bill Murray Morass,” whereby he continues to feel strongly that treatment is beneficial and can’t imagine living without it, and you, and this continues for many years, while you continue to feel responsible and indispensable. “What About Bob?”, indeed.

You and “Bob” could argue that treatment has benefited his control over negative impulses, but it has also fostered a sense of dependency and fragility that will surface if, God forbid, you should die first, or, more likely, he just changes his mind.

So don’t buy into his idea of your precious relationship. If he liked you, it proves he has the capacity to like another therapist. There are many fish in the sea, many therapists in his insurance directory. If he depends on that positive feeling to stay sober or maintain a positive idea of the future, he’s in trouble, and so are you.

Your goal is for him to build up ideas for staying sober and fighting off despair that are not dependent on a single relationship or good feeling, and that can stand up to rejection and depression. In other words, you want to “be there” for your patient, but you don’t want to be the only thing between him and oblivion. Don’t beget a Bob.

STATEMENT:
Our relationship has been positive, but it’s important for you to manage negative beliefs, despair, and anger when you’re not feeling closely supported, and our stopping treatment gives you just such an opportunity. You have the capacity to form a positive relationship, so I’m confident you’ll do well in shopping around for a new therapist. Meanwhile, it’s good for you to focus more on the ideas than on the individual, because it’s your own ideas and the way you use them that will give you strength to manage yourself. I’m confident that this will work out well.”

I have a new patient who’s a young woman, college freshman, who was sent to therapy by her parents after her roommate turned her in for cutting her arms and drinking too much. After a fair amount of discussion, I started her on a medication trial and explained to her that these pills take a while to work (if they work at all), but it didn’t sink in, because after a week she’d had enough with feeling tired and hungry, especially because she still felt depressed and anxious. Not long after that, she declared that therapy in general was a waste of her time and she could stop drinking and self-mutilating on her own. Part of me thinks that it’s not my job, or anyone’s job, to sell her on treatment if she’s not ready, but I admit, there’s a softy side of me that doesn’t want to let her off the hook just so that she can really hurt herself or get kicked out of school. My goal is to get this kid to give treatment one more chance.

It’s tempting to tell a young woman with obvious problems that she should stay in treatment, but don’t. This is not the time to listen to your softer side. Of course you wish she would feel better and stay positive, but first, you and she must accept your lack of control.

If psychiatric treatment—medication or psychotherapy—were more reliable and effective, maybe it would be worthwhile to give such advice. More often than not, however, the first trial of treatment doesn’t work or causes side effects and patients who are already angry and disappointed about their life expectations are then quick to feel that their negative beliefs have been redeemed.

Your goal isn’t to get her to stay in treatment; it’s to give her tools to make rational and positive decisions about treatment. You don’t want her treatment decisions to depend on her positive relationship with you (see: above Bob) or an initial positive result. You want them to depend on her own ability to weigh risks and benefits and do what’s right.

It’s easier to help her think realistically about treatment if you crush false hope up front. You are obviously well aware that treatments of any kind rarely bring about a “cure.” I’m often reminded, when patients cite a pharmaceutical add touting a particular medication as “effective,” that the scientific meaning of the word is the opposite of its meaning in plain English.

In the language of science, effective means “better than nothing,” not “helpful most of the time.” Life is tough and so are most psychiatric problems. Unfortunately, so is your patient’s attitude.

Ultimately, you want her to know that, while you don’t care which decision she makes, you do care a great deal that you make she makes that decision rationally. Being soft won’t work, so be hard, or really, be honest, not emotional or sentimental.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a speech for encouraging her to take good care of herself and use treatment appropriately. “I wish I could tell you that treatment will ease your pain, but it often doesn’t. Given the fact that depressive feelings often come from genes and that we don’t have a cure, it’s not surprising that they tend to come and go and then return, even when a medication or other treatment has been very helpful. So the main goal of treatment isn’t to make you feel better, but to make you stronger and better able to tolerate your condition, much as if it were diabetes. You can get stronger by choosing the right psychotherapist or therapy or 12 step group and also appropriate friends and readings, because the right choice can make you stronger, and the wrong choice won’t. Medication is worth trying if your symptoms are hurting or threatening to get you canned. There’s a risk that each medication will cause side effects or won’t work, but you don’t want to make a choice about meds because you love or hate them. You want to weigh the risks of not taking them and the possible benefit of their working. If I were in your position, I’d definitely be trying them, but it’s your call.”

When my husband and I first got married (and married young, over 20 years ago), his job was physically intensive, but he enjoyed it and it paid well. Not too long ago he got injured, and it was bad enough that he can’t go back to that line of work, so he’s collected disability and taken over the childcare, which he does well. I found a good job, so we’re making enough money, but I don’t like working and miss spending time with the kids, so I push him to find a desk-job, but he obviously hates that kind of work and can’t seem to find anything that suits him. The whole thing is so unfair, I can’t help but dig into him sometimes, in a way that I know, even as I’m talking to him, is just nasty and inappropriate. It’s really putting our marriage through the ringer, but as hard as I try, I can’t control my temper. My goal is to get through this problem without getting divorced.

You clearly value your partnership with your husband…even if you hate your new role as breadwinner so much that it awakens the asshole within.

It leaves you with a big lump of anger and disappointment that you can’t get over and won’t go away. The expression might be “like it or lump it,” but sometimes, you have to do both.

You’ve found it isn’t easy to shut up about your anger because your inner asshole wants to whine and complain and punish your husband for the unfair suffering he’s put you through. Yes, it’s unfair, but it is what it is, and your inner asshole could ruin things for you and your family.

The good news is that you’re not a complete (or “perfect”) asshole, which, as you know from our scientific papers on personality, is a person whose nasty problems are always everyone else’s fault, and who can be reliably counted on to never, ever change, regardless of the number of treatment programs he or she is sent to by spouses, bosses, judges and bishops.

The bad news is that, having an inner asshole that isn’t the total driving force behind your personality means that you will frequently experience the remorse of a were-asshole, who is always trying to put herself in a locked cell before the moon turns full.

So don’t assume your anger will go away by talking about it with your therapist, friends or husband an understanding where it comes from. Women usually think that talking about things makes them better, but, in this situation (and in most situations), it often makes them worse.

See, while you’re talking away, waiting for your internal rage to ease off and your inner-Oprah to soothe your soul, your internal asshole is venting its stuff and ruining your marriage. So your goal isn’t to get relief; it’s to push your inner-asshole voice down so deep that it might emerge out of its namesake.

You might speculate whether your inner asshole is more like your id, or a reaction to loss or an aspect of your inner child. If so, you might want to shut up. You’ve avoiding the fact that you won’t control it by becoming an inner proctologist. Your goal is to close it.

You’ll discover that, if you’ve got an inner asshole, it doesn’t go away. Close it today, it’s just as strong tomorrow. If you’re ashamed of it, it gets stronger.

So dealing with it requires, as do most such problems, a shameless acceptance of the fact that your inner asshole is going to share your personality for life, and that you need to work hard, every day, to keep it in check, one day at a time.

If you don’t, then there’s more than your marriage at risk; like your actual anus, if you don’t control your inner-asshole, it will shit all over your life.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to help you bear your burden and tighten your sphincter. “I have a right to be disappointed by the change in my family life but the real problem is that life sucks, my husband doesn’t, and my marriage will if I can’t keep my disappointment to myself. I’ve put together the best compromise for keeping us afloat. Supporting a big family is never easy. The rules are subject to change without notice. The more I hurt, the more I’m proud of what I’ve been able to do. My job is to share that pride and keep the hurt to myself.”

I know it’s a cliché to hate your mother-in-law, but I actually don’t have a problem with mine; it’s my wife who’s decided that my mother is the devil. To be honest, I know that my mother isn’t perfect—she gets on my nerves a lot, too, and has never been good at butting out of my life, and does tend to give my wife a hard time about a lot of things—but I never should have admitted that to my wife, because now she can’t contain herself. When the topic of my mother comes up, my wife becomes a totally different person, like, she dislikes my mother so much it’s almost unhealthy. My goal is to get my wife over her hatred so she can be a normal person all the time.

Blessed be the peacemakers, because they’re always getting fucked by the angry, out-of-control people they like to hang out with.

That’s what warring parties means—people who are angry and out of control—so don’t think for a minute that you’re going to make peace. If anything, you’re going to get blasted from both sides.

Your mother and wife may both have nasty, overbearing tendencies—what a coincidence! Perhaps we should start a linked website, menwholovewomenwithinnerasshxles.com.

The good news, I take it, is that you think your wife is basically a good, reasonable partner, as long as she’s not focused on your mother. The bad news is that she doesn’t see her inner asshole as a problem (and neither does your mother, further coincidence), so you can’t expect her to change and her control will never be great.

Now that your expectations are properly shattered, the real healing can begin. Start by giving up on notions about Sunday brunches with the extended family, and accept the fact that your partnership with your wife is priority one, of necessity.

You can see your mother whenever you want, as long as you don’t see or talk about her with your wife. Don’t try to put them in the same room, because two women will enter, and only one will leave..

Suggest to your wife that it will be in her best interest, and the kids’, to participate in occasional family get-togethers but that, if she agrees, she needs to decide when it’s necessary and how she can best get through it. If your wife won’t agree to contact, there’s nothing you can do about it except to develop your own ways of keeping in touch with your mother and trying to negotiate some contact with the kids.

Either way, don’t try to help your wife to get over her hatred; just make sure to put a healthy distance between her and her hatred’s source.

STATEMENT:
I have a good partnership but my wife turns out to have an inner asshole that will always make it agony for her to spend time with my mother and it’s my job to work around that fact. I won’t try to bring them together. I won’t listen to their complaints. I’ll make it clear, to both women, that I love them and see the animosity as an unfortunate fact of life, rather than something either one caused. I’ll urge my wife to view the problem as my partner in family management and hope that, without changing her feelings, she can see reasons for occasional diplomatic engagement; but if she doesn’t, I’ve done the best I can and must be proud of that fact.

As rabbi of a medium-sized temple for 10 years, I’ve enjoyed a good relationship with my congregation and I love the work. My problem is that I rely on the temple Board to decide whether I get a raise, and, during the last recession, there wasn’t one because everyone felt too poor to pay more dues. When, recently, I began looking at what rabbis of comparable congregations are making, however, I found that my salary is well below the mean, so I’ve been wondering how to become more active without appearing to be greedy, selfish or unresponsive to the problems of the congregation. One way that occurred to me was to do a “360 degree review” and ask everyone to give me feedback on how I’m doing, including the congregation, the board, and people who work for me. My goal is to get a high approval rating and use that to get a raise.

Unlike the woman earlier this week who was too afraid to rock the boat by asking for a raise (until anger made her want to torpedo the ship), you’re inhibited by guilt, empathy, and that certain Jewish ne sais quoi.

Still, no matter how tempting it is, don’t ask the congregation to clap if they think the rabbi deserves a raise. You’re a scholar and a leader, not Tinkerbell.

I know, it’s easy for a rabbi, or any figurehead of an organization, to rate him/herself by how a congregation responds as an audience; they may not clap, but they sure let you know how they feel, and a “360 review” seems like a good way to quantify your ratings.

You can do a good job as a rabbi, however, without necessarily getting good reactions or being able to control them. Instead of linking the value of your performance to the reaction of your audience, do a self-360, using as your criteria how well you do all the activities that are important to your job, without overemphasizing the obvious crowd-pleasers (although I’m sure your Purim service is hard to beat).

Then, link a raise in your salary to the market value of good-enough rabbinical services, and not to your current popularity, so you won’t be overly influenced by the ups and downs of congregational politics.

Sure, as a leader who is supposed to provide comfort, it’s easy to feel responsible for your congregation’s pain. As a rabbi, however, you should know how to distinguish between selfishness and legitimate self-interest.

You have an obligation to make a living, support your family, and get paid for your services, so it’s up to you to decide what your services are worth, and then allow your congregants to decide whether they’re willing to make the necessary sacrifices. Your instincts may be Rabbinical, but you have to think a little bit like a C.E.O(y vey).

Don’t ask the board whether your needs are legitimate; you’ve done the self-360, determined that you’ve done a good enough job, and made your own allowances for their current financial problems. Now it’s up to you to grow balls/pray and tell them the salary you deserve. If they think differently, it’s their job to explain why.

Be prepared to respond to the emotional questions that make you feel most guilty or insecure about your request. When you’ve answered your own guilt-provoking questions, your posture and voice will tell people that you’re at peace with yourself.

These questions probably include; “Do you feel that we aren’t taking proper care of your needs?” and “Why should you get more when others are making do with less?”, all of which are really asking, “Why is this Rabbi worth as much as all other Rabbis?” Lucky for you, you’ve figured out the answer.

STATEMENT:
“I’m requesting a raise because my current salary has fallen too far below what similar congregations are able to provide for their rabbis, taking into account the current bad economy and assuming that I’m carrying out my duties diligently and responsibly. My family has been feeling the pinch. I am very happy with this congregation and it is easy for all of us to forget about the salary issue, particularly when times are bad. But it’s necessary. Here are my data and here’s my idea of a fair salary.”

I’m a salesman and I love selling, but I’ve always had mood swings and I’ve never been that disciplined. For the last few months, and for seemingly no reason, I’ve been depressed, and it’s starting to destroy my life. I’m pretty good at putting on a smile, but people have started to notice that I’ve lost my bounce, and that just pushes me further down the spiral. I can’t get myself to do anything more than the bare minimum, so my numbers are going to be terrible. I can’t stand what I’m doing to myself. I need to get my control back.

Nothing feels more like failure than a depressive meltdown that makes smiling and/or talking to people a huge chore, and undermines the good work habits you’ve managed to put together. It feels shameful, personal, and avoidable. In reality, it’s none of those things.

When you’re a salesman whose earnings depend on the attractiveness of your personality, it’s hard not to rate success by the response of others to your self-presentation and take responsibility. The same is true for actors, politicians, and, you guessed it, rabbis.

Don’t believe those speakers and supervisors, however, who tell you there’s no limit to the persuasiveness of someone who stays motivated, focused and on message. Believing their words may help you when you’re a novice who needs to overcome shyness and learn how to talk to people, but once depression sets in, belief in your ability to control how others think of you will cause you shame and make you worse.

Your goal isn’t to control the way people respond to you, no matter how good you are at sales. It’s to accept your lack of control over the symptoms of a disabling illness, and respect yourself for dealing with it as well as you can, taking each day as it comes.

Decide for yourself whether you can do a good enough job, and what you need to do to get help. Then you’re ready to confront the worst thoughts you can imagine people having about you, knowing that you’ve done your best.

Before you can get deal effectively with your symptoms, you need to sell yourself on the fact that your depression is out of your hands.

STATEMENT:
I like this job and it requires a large amount of energy, which I can usually count on. Right now, however, I have an illness that prevents me from working at full capacity. While getting treatment, I’ll continue to work if I can, trying to do what’s most important. I hope that I’ll be back to normal as soon as possible. Meanwhile, I appreciate your help and understanding.

My boss has never really been supportive of my work, but we get along well, and it’s partly because I haven’t asked for a raise in over 20 years. Recently, however, he began to give me a hard time about leaving early, and it’s really pissed me off because I work a lot at home on the computer (my husband and I have trouble getting reliable after-school childcare) and I take pride in working hard. (It’s particularly unfair and infuriating because I’ve had an unusually good year and everyone, including my boss’s boss, the big boss, knows it and I was even thinking now, finally, I would get a raise. Certainly not a reprimand. I’m reaching my breaking point here, because it’s one thing to work your ass off for poor pay because you like the work and the people on your team, but another to be bullied over nothing on top of that. I’m meeting with the big boss tomorrow and my goal is to get the credit I deserve and maybe give him a piece of my mind.

Reassuring women about their feelings instead of giving them a raise is something guys have done to girls (and communication-sensitive people of all genders) since the glass ceiling was made out of quills.

This is not to say that men are entirely at fault; women make it easy for guys to do this by bringing up their feelings as a reason/using them to push for a raise, instead of letting facts and economics do the pushing for them.

So, if your goal is really to get the credit you deserve, you don’t mean a pat on the head and a gift certificate to the Teddy Bear mart. Unfortunately, if you give someone a piece of your mind instead of a business-like argument, that’s what you’ll get in return: a chance to express your feelings of pent-up outrage and hear that “he feels your pain” and values you greatly with no change to your paycheck.

What’s even worse about expressing outrage is that it may make the boy-bosses nervous and force them to band together against you. If you make them feel guilty for having underpaid for and underappreciated your work, they’re much more likely to justify themselves by finding fault with your performance than to blame themselves and see that justice is done.

Your real goal, 20 years in, is to try to get a raise, because a job is what you do to make money, not to be understood or have your feelings relieved, regardless of how much pressure they’re building up inside.

Shut up about your feelings, ask for a raise, and do it positively. Fortunately, you don’t need to be eloquent or impassioned. If you’ve got a good record of sales or productivity to back you up, which you do, you’ve got great ammunition, so just stay unemotional and cite the reasons the company would be smart to give it to you.

Mention your boss’s criticism in passing and then knock it down without implying he’s bad, mean, or intentionally unfair. Document as much as you can.

End pleasantly. Let the facts, and not your passionate or intimidating tone, persuade the big boss he should think hard about your raise, regardless of what your immediate boss is fussing about.

People can live their whole lives without getting what they deserve; but few people can work one place for 20 years without at least having a good case for increasing their paycheck. Be emotional, and you’ll get condescended to. Be professional, and you might actually get the cash.

STATEMENT:
“Thanks for finding time for this meeting. I want to propose a major raise because, for many years now, my responsibilities have expanded and my value to the company has increased, while my salary has gradually fallen farther behind what my peers make. This year, the great results my team and I achieved make the disparity more obvious. As much as I love working here, I don’t want to be penalized for my loyalty. My supervisor would probably agree with this reasoning, but recently he seemed distracted by the idea that I was leaving early. In fact, I’ve always worked hard but, particularly with the extra work this past year, working at home has been more efficient than staying in the office and looking busy. Here is a summary of my actual job description, some data about the range of salaries currently being paid for a comparable position, and my idea of what my salary should be. Please let me know what you think of my reasoning and, if you agree, what you can do to improve my salary.”

My work re-located six months ago, and since then, I’ve had to share a small office with another woman in my department. I’ve never known her that well or talked to her much before we became office-mates, but since the move, she’s made it really hard to get work done with her incessant over-sharing. It’s not just that she talks constantly, which she does, but that she talks about things I really don’t feel comfortable hearing about, like her sex life (or really her husband’s dependency on Cialis), speculation about our co-worker’s sex lives…she even started talking about her daughter’s sex life recently, which was the last straw. When I complained about her to a supervisor, however, he seemed to write off the situation as bad chemistry, or two ladies having a tiff, but I’m afraid that my inability to get work done is going to be reflected in poor performance, and then my job will really be on the line. My goal is to get this crazy woman out of my office.

Don’t get obsessed with pushing out your nattering office-mate, or your anger will weaken your case and allow you to be dismissed as, you guessed it, emotional.

You have a right to feel the way you do. Express your feelings, however, and the guys may dismiss you as an emotional girl having trouble with another hen.

Put your goal into business-like, unemotional terms on which all can agree. You want a work-place that allows you and others to get their work done and, if there’s a problem, you want to address it without negative feelings. Stick with this idea and it will keep you out of trouble.

Staying unemotional and logical also puts you and your boss on the right side of the law. Every dispute in an office can turn legal and, by Murphy’s Law, when it does, justice is seldom served (if anyone get’s served, it’s going to be you).

If you seem angry at your office-mate and she claims to be victimized by your making a big deal out of a few innocent statements, your boss has to worry about her protesting his reprimand.

Let your office-mate know, politely, each time you don’t wish to be distracted by a private conversation. Develop a formula that stays professional even if you have to use it many times. You could say, “I’d like to listen, but I’ve got to stay focused.” Even if you have to say it over and over again.

Collect facts because, like the previous mistreated worker, facts, not emotions, are where the strength in your complaint lies. Keep a log, so whenever she over-rides your polite request, write down the date, time, what she says and for how long.

When you present the problem to your boss, don’t make him think or do the work of data-gathering. State your commitment to finding respectful and positive solutions and your regret at having to document behavior you wish your colleague could control.

The more you edit out your anger, the more her own statements, particularly the inappropriately juicy parts, will speak for themselves without seeming exaggerated and the better your chances that the henhouse will be quiet again.

STATEMENT:
“Several months ago, I told my office-mate, respectfully, that I found it very distracting when she struck up a personal conversation when I was trying to concentrate and that, without meaning to be offensive, I would let her know when I needed her to stop. I followed up with an email making that point, which I’ve attached. Unfortunately, she really couldn’t stop herself and things didn’t get better, so here’s my record, covering the last month, of what she said after I asked her to stop. I know she doesn’t mean any harm, but this constitutes a kind of harassment and interference with my work—I need to meet productivity standards—and I need your help to get my work done.”