I cannot accept the fact that my boyfriend looks at porn and it’s a specific kind (hentai and very tall women). For some reason, for it to be a certain type for some reason hurts me more. I grew up looking at porn and still do off and on, so I guess I am hypocritical about this whole situation. My therapist thinks I am madder at myself than him. He feels ashamed about it and said he will discontinue, but unfortunately, if he stops or not, I will still feel the same way which is not good enough for him. Am I a terrible person for having such double standards? I want to achieve self-worthiness, take things less seriously, and confront jealousy in a productive, less destructive manner, but my compulsive thoughts get the best of me. Your advice would be of great value to me.

I’m not sure which is likely to cause you more trouble: the impact of your boyfriend’s porn-watching on your feelings and the chemistry that holds your relationship together, or what his attachment to porn says about his character and ability to be a good partner.

In other words, he could be an asshole, or he could just like to look at animated ass. Figuring this out maybe be a very tall order (pun definitely intended).

You can’t help the way you feel about his hentai/height fascination and, if it’s a total turnoff, the party’s over. Often, however, turnoffs in a long-term relationship are relative and manageable, as well as unavoidable; you look away, focus on his more attractive qualities, and make it work.

There are few partnerships that don’t require a certain amount of accepting unlikeable qualities and habits. That’s why mutual acceptance is such an important requirement in any long-term relationship (and why the divorce rate is so high).

Don’t feel guilty, because this is what the getting-to-know-you phase of a relationship is all about: discovering whether there’s something about a person’s living habits that you really can’t stand. Respect your instincts, because no matter how much you love someone and would like to accept him, there’s only so much tolerance you can force on yourself before it becomes intolerable. At some point, you have to accept the verdict of your inner snob, even if your beloved is guilty of no crime worse than making you want to leave the room (because he’s aroused by dirty Japanese cartoons, but still).

As for the amount of time he spends a’porning, it may be a good indicator of how he manages all his impulses, including drinking, drugging, spending, etc., and tell you how much you can trust him when the chips are down. Don’t let guilt or wishful thinking prevent you from determining objectively whether you can accept him and whether he can manage himself.

If you want to know if porn rules his soul, pay more attention to his bank account, work habits, and contribution to household chores than to his hard-drive. If he can’t keep himself away from the computer but can keep his life together, that’s a good sign, and should make his bad habits easier to ignore.

If he can’t keep anything together, then you probably can’t be together, either, nor should you ignore this advice.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being disgusted by my boyfriend’s porn-watching but I have a right to my feelings and to worry that addiction is often a flag for weakness and unreliability. I don’t need a shrink or a detective to get my answers. I have the strength to accept them if they’re not what I want.”

I wish I could figure out what to do with my boss. He’s not a bad guy, but he drives me crazy by playing favorites and just not understanding my suggestions. I sense he tries, and he’s not malicious, but he doesn’t get what I have to say, so he always turns to someone else. When I talked with him about the problem, I think he sincerely wished we could communicate better, but then nothing changed. I’d speak up, his eyes would glaze over, and the discussion would move past me. I know my ideas aren’t bad, because I’ve been doing my job a long time and my previous bosses respected my work, but it’s tough being politely disregarded. My goal is to get through to him so we can all work together as a team.

Two good things in your approach towards your stupid-but-not-an-asshole boss: you’re not taking his rejection of your ideas personally, and you’re not acting badly. That’s an accomplishment when, every day that you show up for work, you have to watch from the sidelines, particularly when you’re used to being a position player.

Badgering your boss is probably not a good idea; he’s not an asshole yet, but you never know what will happen if you push him harder to be someone he’s already shown you he can’t be. That’s usually the best way to bring out the worst in someone and maybe lose your job altogether.

Anchor yourself by weighing the advantages of the job versus the pain of doing it. I assume you’ve got the usual good reasons for sticking around, at least for now, i.e., the money, the money, the money, and a lack of alternatives.

Don’t think of it as a trap just because you’re suffocating and there’s no way out. Life is hard, survival is tough, and it almost always involves swimming upstream in shit. Bad luck has brought you a strong current, but you can be proud that you haven’t drowned.

Don’t burden yourself with the expectation that you should like your boss because he’s a nice guy, or that you should be able to work things out because he’s not an asshole. If life were fair, those things would be true. Since it isn’t, don’t hold yourself responsible.

In the future, when you’re sizing up a possible boss (or prospective friend or partner), add one more thing to your list of essential, no-deal-if-you-don’t-have-‘em qualities, and that’s an ability to appreciate your point of view and speak your language. Obviously, you’re willing to bridge the gap and learn his language, but you now know there are some gaps that are too big and languages that you can’t learn unless you grew up with them. And since you’re got big reasons to stay at this job, despite the bad chemistry with your boss, take pride in how well you sit the bench.

STATEMENT:
“I feel as if what I say and do at work has no value because my boss disregards me, but I’ve proven my ability long ago, including reasonable communication skills, and am sure that I would have more to offer if he weren’t tone-deaf. I’m sure I’ll be stronger for having survived this experience. “

I always suspected that I was attracted to women more than to men, but I liked my husband, and we’ve been good companions for the past 20 years. It hurt him deeply, however, that I wasn’t interested in him sexually and finally, when he pressured me to tell him what was wrong, I told him I thought I might be gay. Now he feels I lied to him, that our marriage has been meaningless, and he wants a divorce. Our life together is over and I feel totally to blame, like I’ve let down my husband and betrayed our marriage. What can I say to make amends?

There’s one important step people sometimes forget to take before making amends– asking yourself what you’ve done wrong.

Obviously, your husband is hurt and he thinks you’re to blame, but, as we’ve said many times, that’s the whole point of marriage—having someone to blame. Real sin requires knowing that you have something to hide, and that doesn’t seem to be the case.

With only 3 shopping days left until Yom Kippur, you might wish to remind yourself that the Day of Atonement, when Jews make a special effort to examine our sins, begins with a thrice-repeated statement claiming that no one should ever be responsible for vows they can’t keep.

In other words, life is often impossible and it’s not rationalizing to say you can’t be responsible for what you don’t control– it’s Old Testament.

So look what you’ve done with your (newly coined) homosexual feelings. You haven’t been unfaithful, or blamed your lack of attraction to your husband on his being fat. If you kept a secret from him, it was because you also kept it from yourself, and in spite of your uneasiness, you forged a 20 year relationship. That’s a major accomplishment for both of you.

So don’t let your sexual identity shock shake your confidence; you’ve taken a step forward that allows you to be more self-accepting and spontaneous. While it damages your husband’s matrimonial ideal, it shouldn’t diminish your pride in what both of you have done with the marriage so far, or your hope in what it might become in the future, if your husband calms down.

After all, this doesn’t need to be the end of your relationship; you maybe not have been a great sexual partner, but you’ve always been a great partner, and there’s no reason not to continue to be great friends.

STATEMENT:
“I wish our sexual chemistry and my sexual identity were less complicated, but I feel my husband and I have been good partners, not because of my lying, but in spite of it. I wish it didn’t hurt to face these sexual realities but I’m glad we did and think we can be better friends now that I no longer have to hide who I am.”

I would like to stay off pain pills and I attend AA meetings regularly, but I get the pills from an old friend of mine who also goes to the meetings. She’s been sick with HIV and needs all the support she can get, so we wind up hanging out and then getting high. I wish my husband gave me a little more credit for trying to stay clean, even if I haven’t been successful. It’s hard to say “no” to spending time with a dying friend.

Forget for a moment why other people think it’s bad for you to take pain pills; instead, do your own assessment, not just for whether the pills are bad, but for whether or not amends are in order.

Obviously, the good side is that they make you feel better and you enjoy passing time with a sick friend. Then again, pain pills have a magical ability to kill pain while also causing a ton of it.

Start with a checklist of possible negatives, so you won’t miss the big picture. Include the weekly cost and whether the pills interfere with your ability to work, either directly or by risking a positive drug screen. Ask friends and family whether they see a negative effect on your behavior, and ask yourself whether your focus on feeling better has pushed aside other priorities, like being a good friend or parent.

Finally, assess your friendship with this friend in the same way. Ask yourself whether this is a friend who, in addition to being fun to hang out with, is someone you can count on. Look carefully at whether the feel-good focus of the friendship excludes the more important priorities above.

You need to find your own reasons for being sober, and the strongest reasons will come, not from your need to please your husband or meeting-mates, but from your sense of what it takes to be a good person. As the AA saying goes, you are the reason for your own sobriety. If you’ve used drugs a long time, however, you tend to be super-aware of how other people feel about you and relatively insensitive to your own standards. Those standards give you the reasons to stay clean.

Remember, however, that standards aren’t the same as sentiments. You may feel like a good woman for supporting a sick friend—a nice sentiment—while failing to meet important commitments to manage your health, work, family and other friendships.

Be careful not to bullshit yourself, or your good deeds will, surprise, get you little appreciation or, more importantly, little self-respect. If keeping your friend company keeps you from doing the right thing, then, like the pills themselves, you’re causing more pain than you’re preventing.

STATEMENT:
I feel good when I can help out an appreciative pal and share some good times, but if I want to keep my relationships with people who really care about me, I need to put commitments ahead of good feelings.

When my son was born 30 years ago, I met two other moms and we became friends. Although with partners, we shared the same interests and our kids got along well, and we spent the next years as very good friends doing lots of things together and with the children-one of those friends even married my brother (one son and three years later, they divorced). At the same time, I met a new partner (I was now separated from my son’s father), and we spent the next 27 years having a very on-off relationship. It’s difficult to sum up all those years but I think I can say that I probably cried through most of it! I should have left, I didn’t, he wasn’t committed, I was, I wanted a family life, he didn’t. I’m not perfect and I didn’t always behave well. Five years ago he had a son by another, not partner, woman and when that didn’t work out he and I got together again. Then last year, I invited my friend/ex sister-in-law to lunch with us, and they got together. The shock was immense … and it’s not so much the loss of either but this terrible feeling that I have been used as a sort of dating service by my friend and I just can’t get rid of this feeling of betrayal. It’s now a year on and I haven’t seen them since, and the emotional hurt is a lot less– I have done lots of new things, made new friends, and life is rosier, but I have this constant anxiety that this friend is going to take someone else from me – my sister? my other brother? and, worst of all, I have this strange fear that it will be my son. I would like to be happy for my ex and my friend, but I can’t. I protect myself by staying away but I have this huge sense of loss that I have lost this whole part of my life. I need to let go of this underlying anxiety that I am going to lose someone to her again.

When it comes to kids, we expect parents not to expose them to unnecessary rejections and losses from adults they’ll get attached to, who will then go away. When it comes to how parents protect their own hearts, however, the same standards don’t seem to apply, even though, as your experience shows, they really should.

Yes, I understand, you’ve loved a guy for 27 years, but it was always off-and-on, causing you intermittent heartache and wasting your opportunity for something better. You wouldn’t have needed a shrink, psychic, or your average plumber to predict a sad end to all you invested in him and his family.

That doesn’t mean your love was meaningless or less than real. It was powerful, at least for you. Like a good mother, however, your job is to protect yourself from real attachments that can’t work, and you haven’t done that.

What’s worse, you’ve come to assume that love controls you, as it has, so you’ve become a victim and fear that love will screw you again, and take away someone you care about. You’re afraid, but if you’re more careful about who and how you love in the first place, you will have the control you need, some peace of mind, as well as a lot less heartache.

The good news then is that love can’t screw you if you don’t let it. The bad news is that most love won’t work, and you’ve got to leave it alone when you know it won’t, regardless of what your heart says. One thing you’ve learned from your 27-year affair is that life is short, and it’s better to feel some pain now than feel a lot of pain over the course of decades.

First, resolve to stop being a victim. It’s no accident you’ve done better since your friend put an end to your underpowered (it takes two to power) love. Instead of worrying about your next loss, celebrate the fact that you’ve gained new friends and found better relationships.

You’re also more likely than ever before to find relationships that will last, but only if you interrupt the flow of good internal feelings at the beginning of a relationship to ask yourself if there’s any evidence it will actually work.

By the way, it would also help your brother and possibly your friend to ask themselves the same question. If you hang around with people who follow their attractions without giving much thought to consequences or values, you’ll find yourself in the midst of a boiling soap opera, and often be its victim. And the victimhood ends now.

As for that former friends’ tendency to use your friends and family as her dating pool, you’ve finally done what you should have done long ago, when you saw her mistreat your brother, by putting her out of your life. Suck up the sorrow, embrace your ability to do what’s necessary, and don’t let your feelings of powerlessness make you paranoid. You’re in control now, and even if you can’t control her, you can’t let her craziness run your life.

So, in addition to giving yourself better, more compassionate management, stay away from people who regard feelings-management as unacceptable interference with their inalienable right to follow their hearts.

As you’ve learned, following your heart often puts you on a decades-long trail of tears. Protect yourself as you would your son, enjoy your freedom, and keep enjoying it until you find someone reliable enough to enjoy it with you.

STATEMENT:
“I may always be sad about my old lover and scared of losing again, but I learned a lot from that love, I’ve done much better since I gave it up, and I will continue to do better if I remember what I’ve learned and stay away from people whose self-control I can’t trust.”

I promised my wife I’d stop messing around, and I meant it, but last month I did it again and restarted an old fling. I love my wife and the last thing I want is to lose her and the kids’ respect; I’ve got a wonderful family, and I’m not some macho guy who goes cruising to pick up skanks in bars. My problem is that women have always been very attracted to me, I don’t know why, and the sex is very, very satisfying (for both of us), even when we don’t really have much of a relationship. I’m an asshole, and I can’t stop myself. What can I do?

Certain ingredients make love particularly addictive, and one, for guys, is female adulation. They say women loves compliments and being adored, but they rarely ruin their marriages in order to receive them.

Certainly, what addicts you is not your fling-partner as a person, and sex is probably just a part of it. What lights up your pleasure centers and creates needs you can’t control is a mysterious combination of feeling strong, desired, and personally admired.

Whatever feeds your habit, it’s been going on a long time, and understanding its sources in your personality will probably not help. More likely, analyzing your feelings will make you more self-critical and vulnerable to the need for sexual re-inflation.

Unless I’m mistaken, you’ll find the addiction is hard to break, no matter how hard you try, and your first task will be, as they say in AA, to admit your helplessness and accept it as a fact of life. No, that doesn’t mean accepting that it will control your life, simply that it will be a presence in your life that you have to work hard every day to control and that may never be entirely controlled. The first step to avoiding asshole-ish behavior is acknowledging that you’re acting like an asshole in the first place.

Indeed, some people never control it, in spite of overwhelming incentives to do so. The good news, however, is that some good people have sustained meaningful marriages in spite of this behavior. Somehow, their wives felt loved, valued, and secure, despite their husband’s many affairs (and went on to become Secretary of State).

If it’s available, I recommend a 12 step group with other men who know what you’re talking about and who are trying to keep themselves under control. Look for a few attendees with good control who are leaders and sponsors. Unfortunately, there aren’t many guys who have this problem in the way you do, and stigma keeps them from identifying themselves, even to one another, but they are out there.

Even without a 12 step group, however, use 12 step principles. Accepting your helplessness means you shouldn’t promise your wife you’ll stop, because that will likely trap you in lies and shame. Tell her you can’t make promises, but you’ll try, one day (and come hither stare) at a time.

Take strength from your honesty and honest efforts. If you can regain your pride, you can show your wife how much you love her, instead of mollifying her like an angry mother.

Don’t give up. Spend time thinking about the reasons you want to stay faithful, aside from appeasing your wife. Look for any activity, or even a medication, that will allow you to think for a couple more seconds before you act. An antidepressant that has the side effect of reducing sex drive will go a long way towards preventing the act in the first place.

Shame, lying, and mollifying are probably as disruptive to your marriage as the infidelity itself. Work on all fronts and you may be able to improve your marriage and self-esteem, and then you’ll be able to look for some compliments and adoration from within.

STATEMENT:
“My compulsive sexual habits make me feel deceitful and threaten everything I value, but I’ll try to take strength from what I value to invest in my marriage, let my wife know where I stand, and stay focused on improving my self-control.”

My husband, a heterosexual, healthy 37-year-old man who loves me, does not want to have sex with me most of the time. We used to have good sex for the first year or so, but then with time it became less and less frequent, e.g., every 6-9 months. I am attractive and feel that other men find me desirable. We tried talking, seeing a sex therapist (didn’t go well, he just found the whole thing frustrating and upsetting and was angry with me for making him go). He says he doesn’t know why he doesn’t feel like having sex with me, but it deeply affects my self-esteem and our relationship. I gained some weight (20 pounds) and went from skinny to curvy over the last 10 years, and I know that it was a big(ish) issue for him. I’m currently doing good diet/exercise routine and am slowly loosing the extra pounds, but I really don’t know how much it will help. He says he finds other women attractive and would probably have sex with them if he was single, so obviously the issue is with us/me or our relationship. He also says that he loves me a lot and is faithful, but we don’t have fun anymore and that I always complain and want to have serious talks, and he’s tired of it. Overall it’s a good relationship, with some ups and downs, but we’re honest with each other and love each other very much. I would really appreciate some advice since I’m losing hope that it will ever change.

It feels good to feel attractive, sexy, rich, powerful, or whatever, but those feelings, or any feelings, don’t make a good foundation for building your self-esteem or your partnership. And they’re quicksand to a healthy marriage.

After all, you won’t always be attractive or sexy (age, weight gain/loss, a rare case of leprosy), and you may lose your riches or power (poor economy, joblessness, making “bunga bunga” with a teenager like a certain political Italian).

At that point, if you believe what your feelings tell you, you’ll be a loser, and your marriage will be worthless. It’s better to stop that kind of thinking right away and, above all, not to talk like that to your husband.

In addition, you’re talking as if he’s responsible for failing as a husband, even though it’s unlikely that he has any control over the disappointing sexual chemistry between you. You’ve made excellent attempts to get help together and they haven’t worked. As George Clinton would say, you can’t force the funk.

If the bad news is that your soured chemistry can’t be altered, the good news is that he’s not to blame. When you talk like it is his fault and insist that he could do better if he tried harder in therapy, or that you can’t have fun together without sex, or that he’s a pig for hating your new curves, you’ve turned an uncontrollable misfire of sexual chemistry into a personal failure of love and friendship.

So instead of assigning him blame, acknowledge his strengths and achievements. He has stuck with you despite a lack of lust, a corresponding excess of talk, and his urge to wander. You continue to enjoy living with him in spite of the sexual famine, and you’ve survived the stress, shame and humiliation of your sex coma.

Most importantly, you have what good marriages need, which is a lot of positive personal chemistry and devotion. You have more to be proud of than do horny, happy people who assume their hot sex life makes them “successful” (viva Berlusconi!) rather than simply lucky.

If you acknowledge your husband’s strength, as well as the uncontrollable nature of his sex drive, you may find him more willing to explore ways of coping with the problem, perhaps by giving you pleasure in bed even if he’s not aroused, or seeing an endocrinologist to check out his hormone levels.

Yes, it’s embarrassing for him and it’s too bad you’re not getting any, and hey, you might even want to call the whole thing off. If you do, however, it’s because a neurologic reflex failed, not him; it’s chemical, not personal. Even if you do lose your marriage, neither one of you is a loser doomed to a life of funklessness.

STATEMENT:
“It’s sad and frustrating that my husband’s sex drive has faded with the familiarity of marriage, but it sure hasn’t been for lack of trying, for either one of us. Now I have to accept the fact that things aren’t likely to change, and decide whether the good parts of our partnership outweigh the loss of sexual pleasure. No matter what happened to our sexual chemistry, however, we haven’t failed as people or partners.”

I want nothing more than to bring a little peace to my family, but often it seems impossible. My daughter is a genius at messing up and then apologizing for nothing, and my husband believes he has to drum her misdeeds into her head to make sure she’ll never do them again. He wants me to support his criticism, and she wants me to defend her from being picked on, and neither will stop bickering once they get started. My goal is to impose some peace and quiet.

The problem with an excessive need for peace, as Neville Chamberlain found out, is that it can make you excessively compliant with the biggest, loudest, most belligerent asshole in the room.

If they want your attention and support, you won’t get peace; instead, they’ll compete to see who can make you feel more guilt or fear until you finally feel their pain (instead of the other guy’s) and do what they want.

If you look rattled or upset, they know they’re on the right track. Remember, a good war needs an anguished bystander as much as it needs angry opponents.

Instead of expressing your anguish about their conflict, work out a procedure for providing them with a fair response. It should include listening to the substance of the complaint, deciding whether it requires action and/or sympathy on your part, and then refusing to participate in further argument.

You need to believe you’ve done what you can and that you have no additional responsibility for their pain and conflict, other than not to make it worse by joining in. In most cases, the only action you’ll need to take is to acknowledge that they’re being bothered, and that they’re right to feel bothered, but there’s nothing you can do other than tell them to let it go.

Nobody wants to hear that, and they’ll probably give you a momentary earful, but it will be short and sweet, (and cut off by closing the door behind you), compared to the escalating battle that your usual placating inspires.

Trying to smooth out everyone’s feelings just encourages more feelings, which leads to more conflict. Life is unfair, you don’t have the power to fix it, and unless you’re married to, or are a parent to, Hitler, feel free to sit this one out.

STATEMENT:
“I hate hearing my husband and daughter argue, and I don’t like judging their complaints, but I’m prepared to give them a hearing if necessary and decide if anything needs to be done because it allows me to withdraw from further discussion with a clear conscience, after giving them the best advice I can.”

I don’t hate my stepbrother, but the fact is, he’s kind of a loser. He doesn’t work hard in school, he doesn’t play sports, and all he really seems to do is play video games and hang out with the stoners doing what stoners do. I take 3 AP classes and I’m on the basketball team, and I’m not saying that to brag, but because that means I’m always busy at practice or with homework (I’m trying to get a scholarship). Still, my stepfather is always asking me to do more chores in the house and help out, and never asking his own son, who doesn’t seem to be doing jack shit. I think my stepfather doesn’t like me all that much, and that, when he’s stressed, he takes it out on me, and if I tell him he’s not being fair, he gets more pissed off. My goal is to get my stepfather to see that he needs to chill and take a closer look at what he’s doing.

It’s hard, at any age, not to focus on the unfairness of authority, and it’s worse when you’re a kid, solider, or inmate. Remember, fair is the worst four letter f-word you’ll ever encounter.

The more absolute your stepfather’s power, the more you simmer when you feel his favoritism has screwed you. The trouble is, if he perceives that you’re angry and doesn’t enjoy his authority questioned, your troubles will only get worse.

While you might think your stepfather’s rule is tyrannical, I’m sure, instead of just being a step-stereotype, he believes he’s doing what’s fair. He probably thinks that his son is both more vulnerable and less defiant than you are, so he can get a pass.

That means he also believes that you have less respect for his authority and are less grateful, given what he does to support you in your many activities, and that he’s made your life that much better since arriving on the scene and adding his parenting resources to your mother’s.

He struggles to be fair, and not only don’t you appreciate his efforts, you reward him with criticism, disrespect, and dislike. He sees himself as a benevolent leader, and you’re his unruly underling.

Of course, I’m not saying that he’s right, just that stepfathers are the way they are, and that your goal is to make the most out of life in your new family, not fall on your sword for the sake of freedom.

One technique you can use—which is almost as tough for adults, but there’s never any choice—is to try to ignore whether he thinks you’re a good kid or not, and just try to live up to your own idea of what that means. Again, mammals of all ages want approval, so this will be a challenge.

Still, try not to slack off or get defiant because he seems unappreciative or always wants more. Once you act negatively in response to him, you lose your strongest weapon, which is your belief that you’ve been pretty good.

Another technique is to try to make him feel more effective, regardless of how you yourself feel. Don’t lie, but go out of your way to appreciate what he does for the family. It’s called “being political,” which means focusing on the positive so as to make it easier to do business. It is also known as “talking out of your ass,” although you’re only talking truth.

Also, being positive takes your defiant behavior out of the problem. If you’re very positive and shut up about your complaints, and he still looks like he doesn’t like you, then you really know it’s not your fault and it has nothing to do with you.

And, by the way, you’re screwed, but you’re also off to college, anyway, since that scholarship seems to be in sight. Unlike your helpless stepbrother, you’ll get to flee your stepfather’s fucking unf**r dictatorship.

STATEMENT:
“I hate being treated unfairly and pushed to do more when I’m already over-worried and overworked, but I respect my mother’s attempt to create more security for our family by finding a partner, and I respect my own attempts to make things work when the feelings are basically pretty negative.”

My ex-husband drives me crazy with his worries about whether I’ve said something to upset our kids or over-stimulated them by introducing them to my boyfriend, whom I’ve been dating for a year. And God forbid I should traumatize them by having him sleep over during a visitation weekend. But I usually go along, because I think the kids are sensitive. What got me upset recently, however, was finding out that he’s taking the kids on a vacation along with his girlfriend. I think that will be just as hard on the kids, and my goal is to make sure he doesn’t expose them to inappropriate sexual intimacy.

It’s not good to try to make kids too happy, particularly during hard times. That’s not because you should worry about spoiling them, but because it’s often impossible to spare them pain, life being what it is, and you’re bound to fail. Then it’s one big unhappy family.

In this case, you can’t spare them the pain of adjusting to divorce or the fact that each parent now has a new partner, so don’t bury yourself in guilt, treat dating as a sin, and give the kids a power over you and your ex that will eventually make them guilty; one big unhappy family, two unhappy homes.

The good news is that, now that you’re divorced from your ex, you don’t have to share the same wrong values and make the same mistake together.

Before accepting the notion that kids should never have the possibility of seeing a parent in bed with anyone outside the holy bonds etc., ask yourself what makes it right or wrong to introduce a partner to your kids (eventually), and when is it right to tell your ex what to do about this issue (never).

On the first point, factor in your confidence in the partner’s capacity to make a long-term commitment, contribute to the family’s resources, and respond to intense emotions without over-reacting. Once you find a serious prospect, the best way to find out whether they have what it takes and can stand up to the shock of entering a pre-formed family is to welcome them in and do it as positively as possible.

Of course, you should spare the kids unnecessary pain, but the possibility of gaining a step-father for the family justifies some risk-taking, and there’s no point in feeling guilty if you’ve made the decision thoughtfully and for good reasons.

As to the question of telling your ex what to do, well, don’t. You can share your criteria, sure, but you’re not going to change your ex, and conflict usually causes more harm than good. If you were that good at negotiation things as a couple, you probably wouldn’t be divorced at this point.

If he exposes the kids to danger or unnecessary hurt, you may gather information that will invite court supervision. If you push him before there’s any obvious danger, however, you’ll look like a jealous ex who can’t let go.

Instead of worrying about and blaming each other for traumatizing the kids, drop the guilt, and get used to be one big family, period, with possible happiness on the horizon.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to remind the kids that their parents are divorced and there’s a new partner in my bed; but the best way to help them adjust is to be positive and assertive about welcoming my (well-vetted) friend into our family. They may have negative feelings, just as I have my fears. What I need to share, however, is my belief that the new partnership will improve our lives.”

My 25-year-old daughter barely talks to me because I’m the one who reminds her that she’s bipolar. She gets mad at me whenever I bring it up, but I’ve got to say something, because someone needs to tell her to take her medication and stay away from her drinking buddies. She’s such a good kid, and it’s awful to watch her lose control and then have everyone take advantage of her. The trouble is, I know how bad the prognosis is for her illness, and after four hospital admissions and no job held for more than a month, I fear for her. My goal is to help her and have a better relationship with her.

If you want to express negative emotions about your kid’s mental illness, tell your shrink, hairdresser, crossing-guard, whomever. Anyone but the kid herself.

Mental illness is scary and depressing, but for the parent of a mentally ill child, make like your home is on the range: never should be heard a discouraging word. Expressing negative emotions almost always makes things worse.

When you talk to your daughter, prepare a message that is positive and hopeful. If it’s a good message, you’ll wind up believing it yourself, because it will be true.

Every now and then, even when drugging and acting crazy, your daughter will make a good decision about caring for herself. It probably won’t make her feel good or stave off the next disaster, so it will go unnoticed while everyone focuses on what she did wrong to end up in a mess. Be the one to shift the focus to the diamond and away from the surrounding sewer.

If the decision didn’t lead to anything good, remind her that she’s up against a bad, unfair illness that can steal happiness and success whenever it wants. That’s life, but it’s not her. She’s the person who did something good, and you’re proud of her.

Don’t worry about letting her off the hook; bipolar illness is the hook, it’s unforgiving, and it won’t let her be spoiled. Whenever she does something constructive about it or endures another setback and picks herself up, lead another cheer. When things go bad and you want to panic, take a deep breath and head out for a haircut.

STATEMENT:
“You’ve endured several tough bouts of depression and your illness will always make it very hard to stop drinking; but you’re still here and you’re trying, and that’s what counts. I don’t know why you’ve had to endure so much bad luck so early in life, but I’m impressed with who you are and all the good things you will offer the world once you learn how to protect yourself from the symptoms.”

I’ve been a reasonably good husband and father, but my wife is much younger than I, and that’s always been the cause of some friction, which has gotten worse now that our marriage is approaching the 10 year mark. For the past couple of years I’ve had the feeling that she finds me and our sex life boring, and recently she told me in no uncertain terms me she feels trapped, wants more excitement in her life and our sex life, and that, unless I change, she wants to be free. I’d like to keep her happy, but given the amount of energy and work she’s asking for, I don’t think I can. My goal is to get her to see that we’ve built a good life together and persuade her to stay.

You want your wife to stay because you love her, but forget about love for a minute and channel your inner Tina Turner; if love has nothing to do with it, or what she said about your faults, then you need to ask yourself whether she can ever be a good partner.

Long ago, before you fell in love, you assumed that any girl who is good partnership material sticks by her partner through thick and thin, because that’s the way she is if she has good character. A good woman may dissolve the partnership because her partner is a jerk, but not because he gets wrinkles, keeps asking you to repeat words so he can hear them, and pees in the middle of the night.

You might make allowances for a girl who married too young or developed a strong calling that pulled her away from marriage. Most of the time, however, if she reacts negatively to her partner’s aging, you suspect that all her friendships will be shallow, unstable, and overly dependent on good times and that no one will ever really be able to depend on her.

You don’t believe you’ve acted like a jerk, and I’m guessing neither does she. She’s not complaining that you’re an overbearing guy who’s squeezing the life out of her personality, or that you’re neglectful, or bad for the kids. She’s just lacking the good character qualities you assumed would be there.

Take a step back then, re-evaluate her as a partner, and don’t accept her back until you’re sure she can offer you a partnership that’s worth having. Don’t let your love and need for love betray what you know about life and good partnerships.

Things will work out well for her and you only if she can accept you the way you are; otherwise, the big wheel keeps on turning, and she better move on.

STATEMENT:
“I know you find me hard to live with. I’d like to believe that I’ve been distracted and neglectful so I could change my behavior and make our marriage work. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong, except be myself as a pretty good husband and father. So you need to accept me the way I am, or not. Don’t expect me to change, and don’t expect me to trust you as a wife or friend until you stop discussing my inability to make you feel excited and show me that I’m the guy you want to be with.”

I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.

Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.

Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.

Social butterflies are often very interesting people. Friendship is their art, and it can be fun being married to one. You meet lots of people who would otherwise have never entered your life, get lots of interesting invitations, and actually expand your circle of friends.

Decide from the beginning, however, whether you like most of the people and social adventures that she connects with, or not. Of course, you also need to know whether your girlfriend keeps her priorities, and boyfriends, straight.

Unless you’re Virginia Woolf’s remarkably tolerant husband, Leonard, you don’t want her sleeping around. So check out her track record for commitment, availability, financial responsibility, and the rest of the basic partnership job description.

Also, check out your own track record for sharing your significant other with the world. Regardless of how fascinating she is and how easy-going you’d like to be, you may not be good at sharing. Don’t fall for her and then try to change her, especially since she’s going to be spending her time trying to change you.

Don’t be distracted by the social thing, love, jealousy, or any of that feelings slurry. If her references don’t check out with your basic job description for a partner, drop her or you’ll be sorry. This isn’t emotional, this is math. Even if the facts are crunched in your favor, be prepared to share, or move on.

STATEMENT:
Assuming that she meets your partnership criteria and that you like most of her friends and exes, and their exes, etc, here’s a statement to help you address your joint social priorities. “I need to know that you’re committed to our spending time alone and with my (much smaller) social and family circle, and that parenting comes first, if we decide to have kids. I retain the right to opt out of some social events. Otherwise, I enjoy your style and look forward to sharing in your rich social life.”

I love my wife, and I have since we met in college. She’s also been very devoted to me, supporting my fledgling career as an artist and even taking a part-time job as my manager (on top of her full-time job, which supports us both). The problem is that, as much as I love her and as much as I’ve tried to ignore my feelings for other men, I’m pretty sure I’m actually gay. To admit that I’m gay would mean divorcing her, which would not only break her heart when all she’s ever done is sacrifice everything for me, but throw every aspect of my life, personally and professionally, into chaos. I don’t want to hurt her or lose her, and, well, I don’t want to go on welfare. My goal is to be true to both of us.

When you identify as gay, it’s not clear whether you mean the identity, or the actual sex act. “I’ve got to be myself” means, yes, you’ve got to be who you are, but no, you don’t have to have sex, unless you want to.

In other words, if having sex is not more important to you than holding onto a relationship that is otherwise meaningful and important, you don’t have to do it. It’s really that simple. You can be gay, and proud, and also proud of not having sex except when you want to, and not hurting someone you care about.

Now that you know you can control your sexual urges, you’re ready to be a priest, or a not-so-young husband (or wife) whose partner can’t respond. It’s part of being a grown-up. One of the extremely un-fun parts, but a part nonetheless.

If you stick with your wife because she’s a good provider, supporter, and business manager, your relationship sounds somewhat one-way, and that’s not good for either one of you.

You need to love as well as be loved, and know that you can love. Otherwise, your secret identify will not be that you’re gay, but that you’re a user. There’s a reason users don’t get pride parades.

On the other hand, if your wife and you are good friends and have built a life together with shared family and invested energy that would be destroyed by breaking up, then you’ve got to ask yourself whether gay love, sex, lifestyle, etc., are worth more.

Putting sex aside, ask yourself how much of you you’re hiding by hiding this part of your identity from your wife. Most coupled people need to self-edit—not hide, just edit—even with their closest relationships (particularly with their closest relationships).

You don’t want to push your partner to hear and respond to what they don’t really want to deal with. On the other hand, if being gay is part of your everyday thoughts, feelings, and humor, then hiding it makes your relationship false, and does a disservice to her as well as keeping you from being who you really are.

In which case, you need to share your secret identity (without, hopefully, the complications of sexual infidelity) and see whether she can accept you while you try to figure out whether the new relationship will work.

You’ll be gay in theory, just not in practice, which’ll have to be enough if you also want to stay married.

STATEMENT:
If you happen to choose this option, here’s a statement. “I think I’m gay and need to be more open about that side of my personality. No, I don’t think I need to have gay sex or a gay lover, at least not yet. What I do need is to be more open about my real thoughts and feelings. I don’t fault myself for not having told you earlier, because I didn’t know myself. Meanwhile, if you’re willing, I’d like us to continue as partners and see if this can work.”

Last fall, I started hooking up with a girl who’s been a friend of mine since freshman year. It wasn’t anything serious, just your average friends with benefits deal, and neither one of us ever talked about her being my girlfriend or anything “real.” What I never knew before though is that this girl gets really depressed, and when she got really sick this winter, I was there for her because that’s what I’d do for any friend, whether we’re hooking up or not. She’s better now, but I’m kind of confused as to what’s happening between us. Sometimes I think I want to be her boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her, and I don’t think she wants that from me, and at this point everything’s just really awkward and weird. I just want to know where we stand, or what I should do.

People often choose to be “friends with benefits” (FWB) because it seems easier than committing to a relationship, but don’t be so sure.

Having a FWB is like playing a fretless guitar that seems to offer musical freedom, but is actually more likely to produce noise unless you really know what you’re doing. In other words, don’t attempt a FWB situation unless you’ve learned what the rules are and can stick with them. It’s not for those who haven’t mastered their instrument.

You need that toughness and discipline so you don’t cross the line between friend and more-than-friend, which means being direct about your intentions (honorably limited) and vigilant about the many ways your actions can unwittingly contradict your words (by calling or sharing or sighing or talking too much).

Regardless of the actual ups and downs of how you feel, your words and actions should convey an unambiguous, consistent message. Otherwise, love or neediness may escape and create a situation you and/or your partner are not ready for.

Toughness is also necessary to determine whether your prospective sex-buddy has what it takes to stay within agreed-upon boundaries. Some agreeable friends really want something more and will be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

This may sound like some pretty rigid guidelines for what should be a care-free relationship—I ordered the sex, hold the commitment!—but at least when you’re a boyfriend or girlfriend, you know where you stand thanks to some fairly universal relationship guidelines. Being a FWB is living a gray zone unless you draw your own line in the sand.

In your situation, charity made you cross that line and become your FWB’s depression counselor. Good for you as a friend, bad for you as a recipient of benefits, because now, no one knows what to expect.

If you did it because you really, really liked her, then you would want to upgrade, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Don’t over think your feelings about her, because when most people are interested in someone romantically, they know pretty fast.

If one of you not being single is what kept you apart when you first met, getting together now makes sense, but if the spark just wasn’t there, then that’s why you aren’t together. As such, the reason you hooked up has more to do with loneliness than a unique connection, and might be worth leaving at that.

If you decide that you truly do want to go for a love upgrade, be sure your erstwhile non-exactly-lover is a solid person who would make a good partner, and that the benefit of a successful upgrade outweighs the loss of what you’ve already got. After all, once you jump from friends to boy/girlfriends, downgrading back to friends can be tricky, if not impossible.

Check out whether he/she is steady in other relationships and not too needy, sensitive, or vulnerable to runaway feelings. Remember, Glenn Close’s character in “Fatal Attraction” promised an attachment-free fuck and was probably sincere (in her own nutty way).

It’s your responsibility to make sure things are what they seem. Then figure out whether you want to make beautiful music together, or whether you’re just not ready to jam.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a Mission Statement to share with your friend. “I think we’re good at being friends, with or without benefits, but I know I’m not ready to go further because I don’t think the chemistry is quite right. I hope our friendship helped you during the winter when you were depressed. It left me feeling good about our friendship and with the same overall impression that that’s what our relationship is meant to be.”

Like a lot of single women in their 30s, I’ve gotten into internet dating, but I’m not very good at it, because I really don’t want to be mean to anyone, and I don’t think it’s fair to make up your mind about someone when you don’t really know them. I mean, sure, I have a physical type, but what I’m talking about is that I don’t want to brush off some poor guy after one cup of coffee just because he’s not my dream guy right off the bat, know what I mean? And I don’t think you can really learn that much about somebody based on a few emails, so basically I end up going on a bunch of dates that often aren’t that much fun or, if they are, I don’t get a call-back and wind up ruminating for a week about what went wrong. My goal is to figure out how to make online dating work.

Online dating doesn’t work unless you’re tough and disciplined (see case above). That’s because getting attached to someone who can’t return your feelings will wear you out and make you feel like an unattractive loser. It’s the way we’re wired (pardon the pun).

If your priority is to make everyone feel valued, send them some of Oprah’s favorite things. If you want to take advantage of the wide reach of online dating, which will expose you to large amounts of raw suiterage and toxic jerks, learn how to become an efficient and effective screener.

First, decide for yourself whether it’s moral to reject people, especially if it seems to cause them pain. In my opinion, it’s immoral not to reject people (assuming you do it politely and respectfully). Better to be tactfully honest than grudgingly lie.

If you don’t just rip off the Band-Aid, you’re leading them on and assuming responsibility for their feelings, making yourself vulnerable to manipulation and guilt, and/or promising what you can’t really deliver.

Sure, you may feel guilty if someone looks pained by your decision not to continue contact, but that’s just a passing feeling. Know the difference between guilty feelings and real guilt and learn how to ignore the former.

Of course, if you’re too sensitive to pain, either theirs or yours, you’re not ready to go hunting in love’s wild e-yonder, because hunting usually requires a willingness to tolerate pain. Your goal isn’t to avoid pain (or cause pain), but to minimize it, learn from it, and not let it interfere with an effective search.

If you’ve decided it’s OK not to run a ministry for the horny and needy and that guilty feelings can be ignored, then you’re ready to learn the principles of wide-reach screening and discover that you probably know them already.

Begin by listing the 5 or 6 criteria for excluding candidates, regardless of attractiveness. They include drug-use, poor money management, unreliability, a history of backing away from reasonable relationships, an inability to say no to horrible relatives, and a lack of interest in the kind of future that you want.

Then, while you’re chatting and searching for interpersonal chemistry, keep your list in mind and say good-bye whenever a red flag pops up. Time is short, screening is tiring, and the hunt is on.

STATEMENT:
Use your criteria to prepare a statement. “I’m interested in a reliable, hard-working, loyal grownup who can manage his/her money responsibly and is looking for a committed partner to share (name your future). I’m not in need of friendship or sex and I don’t have much time to chat, but I’ll get back to you if you’re interested and seem to be a possible match. ”

I’m what we in the gay community call a bear (burly and bearded). My ideal physical type, however, is the exact opposite, twinks (young, skinny man-boys), which I know isn’t exactly rare for anyone, gay or straight. My boyfriend, on the other hand, looks way more like me than my physical ideal; instead of looking lean and barely legal, he just looks like a suburban dad. Either way, I fell for him and what we have is really great, but I still feel guilty when I find myself checking out younger/leaner guys, which basically happens whenever I leave the house. I love my boyfriend, but I can’t stop my infatuation with other bodies. My goal is to get twinks out of my head before I do something stupid, like not keeping it in my pants.

Trying to change your sex fantasies is like trying not to be gay; it won’t work, you’ll think you’re out of control, and then you’ll act out of control.

Not only is trying to change your fantasies dangerous, but trying to satisfy them usually makes it impossible to have a stable relationship. Sad news, but at least Bill Clinton feels your pain.

The fact that we have persistent, driving sexual urges of any kind is necessary for the preservation of the species, but it usually causes more unhappiness than joy. Yes, there are couples who are very hot for one another and are also long-term, stable friends, but it’s rare (and often fictional). For most of us, life gets in the way, even if the relationship starts out with lots of hot sex.

“Life” includes aging, stress, diabetes, balding, kids, and the powerful odds that, with time, something or other will bump your sex drive or your partner’s into something less than compatibility. It’s what you do with incompatibility, rather than the presence of sexual compatibility, that’s the measure of a good relationship.

If you have imagination and ambition, you’ll have lots of yearnings that you can’t satisfy except by doing things that are bad for you. If you are indeed a wise man who is ready to withstand the pain of unsatisfiable urges, then don’t worry; even as those urges get worse, you’ll be prepared.

You’ve obviously learned from experience that a good partnership/friendship is hard to find, and that making the right body type your first priority is stupid and makes it all but impossible to find the right person. Otherwise, you would want some twinkerbell to be your one true lust.

So, for the sake of your long term goals and making the best of what you’ve got, celebrate your ability to tolerate frustration; grin and bear it, as it were. At least don’t shit in the woods.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I wasn’t twink-obsessed, but I know what’s good for me, and I’m proud of looking for and staying with the right person, particularly since I had to screen out some strong urges. I’m not ashamed of them. They are what they are. I’m proud that I can tolerate frustrating them for the sake of something more important than raw sexual pleasure.”

My West Virginian grandmother used to tell me that I was built like a horse on its hind legs, which is to say, I am a white girl with an African booty. I clearly have a sense of humor about it—I led the charge with J. Lo jokes back in the day—but I’m always worried when I meet guys that they’re after me for the fetish, not my personality, because believe me, I’ve been burned enough times by men who couldn’t see beyond my butt to the personal attached to it. I have girlfriends who are Asian who have the same problem, but none of us know what to do to avoid jerks. My goal is to find out if a guy actually likes me, instead of just what’s behind me.

If you’re attractive, you get dates, but then you’ve got to be a rough, tough screener of stallion-flesh, or you’ll wind up heart-burned by spending too much time with guys who fail to connect.

If you’re sweet, passive, and overly concerned about feelings, guys with needy sex drives will chew you to pieces because sex-drives notoriously trump decency and common sense. Guys don’t want to be jerks, but the little head doesn’t care how you feel or what will happen next, and he rules supreme.

So your goal isn’t to find someone who really, really likes you for who you are. It’s to fend off the many applicants who don’t and can’t so that you’ve got room on your dance card if and when the real thing arrives.

If you’re already the horse here, then you need to become a dick whisperer. Learn to read the little head’s mind.

Don’t equate niceness with friendliness. When interviewing job applicants, don’t worry about whether they will feel rejected; your priority is to find the best qualified without worrying about whether or not they can protect themselves. Screening dates has a similar protocol.

Act professionally, and move on as quickly as possible to rule out the unqualified. Screen out those with credit card debt, drug use, a bad history of relationships and/or work, or big differences in what you want out of life. They need not apply, they don’t need a hug.

If you decide to date, don’t get distracted by cute and charming. Once you charm one another, you’ll forget your job, which is to screen. You don’t have to charm; trust your booty to take care of that problem.

If someone really checks out as a good guy (after the detectives and your little-mind reading skills have verified his story), and you think the chemistry has real potential, despite (or because of) his being butt-struck, then go slow.

Sooner or later, reality will set in and you’ll both get a chance to see if you can work together/he is truly ready for this jelly.

STATEMENT:
“It takes a tough girl to screen horny guys because the work is rough and dangerous. My goal isn’t to make others happy or generate positive chemistry. If I can keep my focus on finding out facts and making good choices, regardless of my own urges and sensitivity and the charm or guilt-trips being thrown at me, I should be proud.”

I have a history of getting claustrophobic in relationships. Once I’ve been with a guy for a while, I start to worry that he’s not really the one, and that I’m missing my chance to be with the one by being with him, so I cut him loose and start all over again. I usually feel some regrets, but I don’t stay single for long, so those regrets don’t really last. This time, however, it’s different; I dumped my boyfriend a few months ago (after living together for two years), and now that I’m old enough to think seriously about starting a family, I’m worried I just lost a guy who would’ve been a great father and a good partner. Then again, I’m also worried that if I do get him back, I’ll just get restless and ditch him all over again. I always thought that, if I found the right person, my restlessness would go away. My goal is to get over my claustrophobia and get settled down.

Some people are born restless, and, while it would be nice if love and/or therapy could take away your ramblin’ urges when the time is right, it usually doesn’t work that way.

Being restless doesn’t have to mean that you’re immature, afraid of intimacy, or defective in any way. Restlessness has its good side; it keeps you moving into new adventures, and may be a survival trait if you’re a hunter, entrepreneur, or musician. It’s not good, however, when it comes to relationships.

If your goal is to stop your restlessness as a precondition to settling down, you may find yourself on an endless hunt for Mr. Right and/or the right therapist. Meanwhile, time goes by, your feet keep moving, and you lose boyfriends, your eggs, and then your teeth. In the process, you feel like there’s something wrong with you.

Meanwhile, looking for endless love as a solution to your restlessness is a good way to find Mr. Wrong. Guys who stir up huge amounts of passion are often outlaws and narcissists who will waste your time, break your heart, and further help me build my practice.

Instead, assume the claustrophobia won’t go away, and decide for yourself whether settling down and partnering up is worth the pain.

The potential advantages are: kids, steady company, and someone to watch your back/”Lost” with. The potential disadvantages include: claustrophobia, boredom, and feeling sad whenever you see a possible adventure that you can no longer pursue.

Don’t pay too much attention to what other people think (certainly if those other people are in romantic comedies). Adding up the pros and cons for yourself is the only way to get the strength you’ll need to stick with your decision.

Either way, your decision will hurt and make you unhappy, but that’s life on, or rather off, the road. If you think you can be restless and also be happy, you’ll become a perpetual patient, and that’s good for only one person, me. And I’m not going anywhere.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep the doctor away. “I’m restless but I want to settle down and I know it won’t be easy. I’ll try to find a reasonable candidate and then see if I can do it. I need someone solid who will give me breathing room and I’ll also need the independence to make good use of alone time.”

I love my brother to pieces, but I get so annoyed with him because ever since he’s been old enough to date, he’s dropped everyone when he and his girlfriends get serious, and he seems to jump from serious relationship to serious relationship (I swear he’s lived with every girlfriend since college). It’s one thing to ditch your friends when you move in with a girl, but your family? He goes to his girlfriends’ families for holidays, vacations, forgets about Dad’s birthday…and I know he’s serious about these girls when he’s with them, but they’re girlfriends, we’re blood, and it’s not cool. My goal is to get my brother to realize who comes first.

You probably love your brother as much as you do because, when he’s busy being your brother, he’s all yours. By now, however, you should suspect that it’s his nature to be over-attached, whether it be to you or anyone else.

Good news is, his abandoning you isn’t personal. The bad news is that you’re not so special, and he’ll do this to all his close relations (excepting maybe the girl he marries).

The yet-more bad news is that, if you confront him and make him feel guilty, you may do nothing but drive him away. If he doesn’t have the perspective to see his behavior as a problem (and that’s a strong possibility), then he’ll see the problem as yours; you’re too needy, controlling, and clingy. He’ll tell you to see a shrink, and here you are.

So give up your old dreams of a close, consistent friendship with your brother. Then, if he’s still worth maintaining a relationship with (and I assume he is), your goal is to do your best with someone who is either totally available or not at all.

Your brother knows who comes first; the problem is, it’s no one but the one he’s with. Unfortunately, loving your brother means accepting sparse leftovers.

STATEMENT:
Refer to your general procedure for staying friends with the seldom-available. “I will keep things friendly and superficial. I may contact him regularly, but infrequently, by email rather than directly, using no more than two sentences, and in no way that requires a response. If and when he is available, I will increase my availability if I wish, but never present myself as more available, or more eager, than he.”