I love my work, my kids, and my wife, but I have bipolar mood swings (and I’ve taken medication for years) that lead me to do things that get me into trouble. Recently, in spite of the medication, I felt a surge of energy and started to stay up late, sneak into my studio and paint. I’ve also started to drink again. I don’t want to change meds or let people know what’s happening because I want to keep my options open. I love the highs and the freedom, and I hate being told what to do, but I’ve got a demanding day job that doesn’t involve painting, and a wife who doesn’t like it, to say the least, when I’m not honest. So my goal is to get myself under control before people catch on to what’s really happening.

There are few fathers and husbands who can’t identify with the goal of wanting to feel special, have time to themselves, and avoid humiliating comments about eating, drinking, toileting or sleeping habits from their next of kin.

The fraction of these fathers who are dealing with mental illness and addiction to alcohol don’t want to be asked if they’ve been taking their medication or started drinking.

So, if your goal is to avoid immediate disrespect and hang on to your secret Van Gogh identity a little longer, then keep doing just what you’re doing.

On the other hand, if you want to avoid the long term chaos of going nuts, listening while your doctors try to find a mental hospital that also does alcohol detoxification and having your wife tell you that you’re not welcome home until you straighten out and maybe not then either…then you’ve got to give up on secrecy and come out of the out-of-control closet.

That’s because it takes a powerful part of your personality to make a good guy risk his health and marriage for the joy of a very, very good but relatively brief mood and paintings that will never reach Sotheby’s. It takes a demon.

Lots of people have demons—they pay my bills—and it’s a waste of time to figure him out instead of looking for ways to manage him better, all of which require you to face and ‘fess up to your (or should I say his) possession.

Sorry, but it’s almost impossible to gain control of a demon without acknowledging that he’s A, there, and B, can’t be extirpated or exorcised (except through lobotomy). That’s because he gains strength from being hidden.

So tell your wife and trusted friends about your problem, share your story with similarly possessed people, discard false shame, and do your best to keep the demon under control.

In recovery, they say you’re only as sick as your secrets; admit your secrets, and you can keep your demon at bay.

STATEMENT:
Here’s what you need to say to yourself (and others). “I’m living a good life, but it isn’t easy. My priorities are to make a living and raise a family, but there’s a part of me that wants to drink and paint and stay up late and enjoy the bipolar highs, and sometimes that part takes control, particularly when I think I’ve beaten him for good. Making my problem public is the best way to strengthen my self-control. I respect my willingness to humiliate myself for a good cause.”

My girlfriend and I keep breaking up without ever really getting together. She’s obviously interested in me, or she wouldn’t keep calling, and I can sense her sincerity. We have a good time together when we get a chance to go out. Whenever we’re at the stage of taking things to a new level, however, like we’ve been talking every day for a couple weeks, she’ll suddenly drop out of contact for a few days and then act like nothing’s happened and I shouldn’t expect her to be that available. A couple times when she dropped out, it was because she couldn’t decide whether to get back together with an old boyfriend. That’s no longer the issue, so I thought we were clear to go, but we can’t seem to take off. I’d like to know if I’m doing something wrong or if there’s a way she could get help.

Don’t trust your feelings to tell you whether someone is really interested. Feelings are easily fooled and love is blind; watch her feet and see what they have to say.

This girl’s feet are doing the cha-cha-cha, one step forward, one back, quick shuffle, one more back, one forward, another shuffle, and repeat. She likes to dance with you, but that doesn’t mean she’ll ever move forward or make you her number one partner.

If you trust your feelings, then you must ask yourself what you’re doing wrong, which keeps you stuck with her and introduces you to doubt, depression, and me. It costs you time and money to stay at the mindfuck disco.

Ask yourself what you’re dancing for. It’s not because you need to dance (though you do), but because you’re looking for a partner, which requires you to know what you’re looking for and keep your feelings out of it until you’re sure you’ve got a likely candidate.

One of the requirements—I know, it’s amazing that I can read your mind, but remember, I went to Harvard—is that someone has a good track record with relationships. No one who does the cha-cha-cha need apply, ever.

Don’t tell me that’s easier said than done. First, I’ll tell you it’s harder if you don’t do it, so you don’t have a choice. Second, given today’s theme, I’ll tell you you’re possessed by a demon who loves attention and wants to dance and you have a hard time keeping him in check.

Your goal is to make a solid, independent choice, regardless of your short-term needs. Cowboy up, be a grown-up and give yourself the benefit of solid, caring protection and a nice, sturdy, one-on-one waltz.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement, in case your demon (or sometime dance partner) asks why you can’t, at least, enjoy a nice, friendly talk. “I don’t think our chemistry is right for what I’m looking for, though we certainly have a good connection. Spending time with one another right now doesn’t take either one of us in the right direction.”

I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.

Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.

Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.

Social butterflies are often very interesting people. Friendship is their art, and it can be fun being married to one. You meet lots of people who would otherwise have never entered your life, get lots of interesting invitations, and actually expand your circle of friends.

Decide from the beginning, however, whether you like most of the people and social adventures that she connects with, or not. Of course, you also need to know whether your girlfriend keeps her priorities, and boyfriends, straight.

Unless you’re Virginia Woolf’s remarkably tolerant husband, Leonard, you don’t want her sleeping around. So check out her track record for commitment, availability, financial responsibility, and the rest of the basic partnership job description.

Also, check out your own track record for sharing your significant other with the world. Regardless of how fascinating she is and how easy-going you’d like to be, you may not be good at sharing. Don’t fall for her and then try to change her, especially since she’s going to be spending her time trying to change you.

Don’t be distracted by the social thing, love, jealousy, or any of that feelings slurry. If her references don’t check out with your basic job description for a partner, drop her or you’ll be sorry. This isn’t emotional, this is math. Even if the facts are crunched in your favor, be prepared to share, or move on.

STATEMENT:
Assuming that she meets your partnership criteria and that you like most of her friends and exes, and their exes, etc, here’s a statement to help you address your joint social priorities. “I need to know that you’re committed to our spending time alone and with my (much smaller) social and family circle, and that parenting comes first, if we decide to have kids. I retain the right to opt out of some social events. Otherwise, I enjoy your style and look forward to sharing in your rich social life.”

I love my wife, and I have since we met in college. She’s also been very devoted to me, supporting my fledgling career as an artist and even taking a part-time job as my manager (on top of her full-time job, which supports us both). The problem is that, as much as I love her and as much as I’ve tried to ignore my feelings for other men, I’m pretty sure I’m actually gay. To admit that I’m gay would mean divorcing her, which would not only break her heart when all she’s ever done is sacrifice everything for me, but throw every aspect of my life, personally and professionally, into chaos. I don’t want to hurt her or lose her, and, well, I don’t want to go on welfare. My goal is to be true to both of us.

When you identify as gay, it’s not clear whether you mean the identity, or the actual sex act. “I’ve got to be myself” means, yes, you’ve got to be who you are, but no, you don’t have to have sex, unless you want to.

In other words, if having sex is not more important to you than holding onto a relationship that is otherwise meaningful and important, you don’t have to do it. It’s really that simple. You can be gay, and proud, and also proud of not having sex except when you want to, and not hurting someone you care about.

Now that you know you can control your sexual urges, you’re ready to be a priest, or a not-so-young husband (or wife) whose partner can’t respond. It’s part of being a grown-up. One of the extremely un-fun parts, but a part nonetheless.

If you stick with your wife because she’s a good provider, supporter, and business manager, your relationship sounds somewhat one-way, and that’s not good for either one of you.

You need to love as well as be loved, and know that you can love. Otherwise, your secret identify will not be that you’re gay, but that you’re a user. There’s a reason users don’t get pride parades.

On the other hand, if your wife and you are good friends and have built a life together with shared family and invested energy that would be destroyed by breaking up, then you’ve got to ask yourself whether gay love, sex, lifestyle, etc., are worth more.

Putting sex aside, ask yourself how much of you you’re hiding by hiding this part of your identity from your wife. Most coupled people need to self-edit—not hide, just edit—even with their closest relationships (particularly with their closest relationships).

You don’t want to push your partner to hear and respond to what they don’t really want to deal with. On the other hand, if being gay is part of your everyday thoughts, feelings, and humor, then hiding it makes your relationship false, and does a disservice to her as well as keeping you from being who you really are.

In which case, you need to share your secret identity (without, hopefully, the complications of sexual infidelity) and see whether she can accept you while you try to figure out whether the new relationship will work.

You’ll be gay in theory, just not in practice, which’ll have to be enough if you also want to stay married.

STATEMENT:
If you happen to choose this option, here’s a statement. “I think I’m gay and need to be more open about that side of my personality. No, I don’t think I need to have gay sex or a gay lover, at least not yet. What I do need is to be more open about my real thoughts and feelings. I don’t fault myself for not having told you earlier, because I didn’t know myself. Meanwhile, if you’re willing, I’d like us to continue as partners and see if this can work.”

Last fall, I started hooking up with a girl who’s been a friend of mine since freshman year. It wasn’t anything serious, just your average friends with benefits deal, and neither one of us ever talked about her being my girlfriend or anything “real.” What I never knew before though is that this girl gets really depressed, and when she got really sick this winter, I was there for her because that’s what I’d do for any friend, whether we’re hooking up or not. She’s better now, but I’m kind of confused as to what’s happening between us. Sometimes I think I want to be her boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her, and I don’t think she wants that from me, and at this point everything’s just really awkward and weird. I just want to know where we stand, or what I should do.

People often choose to be “friends with benefits” (FWB) because it seems easier than committing to a relationship, but don’t be so sure.

Having a FWB is like playing a fretless guitar that seems to offer musical freedom, but is actually more likely to produce noise unless you really know what you’re doing. In other words, don’t attempt a FWB situation unless you’ve learned what the rules are and can stick with them. It’s not for those who haven’t mastered their instrument.

You need that toughness and discipline so you don’t cross the line between friend and more-than-friend, which means being direct about your intentions (honorably limited) and vigilant about the many ways your actions can unwittingly contradict your words (by calling or sharing or sighing or talking too much).

Regardless of the actual ups and downs of how you feel, your words and actions should convey an unambiguous, consistent message. Otherwise, love or neediness may escape and create a situation you and/or your partner are not ready for.

Toughness is also necessary to determine whether your prospective sex-buddy has what it takes to stay within agreed-upon boundaries. Some agreeable friends really want something more and will be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

This may sound like some pretty rigid guidelines for what should be a care-free relationship—I ordered the sex, hold the commitment!—but at least when you’re a boyfriend or girlfriend, you know where you stand thanks to some fairly universal relationship guidelines. Being a FWB is living a gray zone unless you draw your own line in the sand.

In your situation, charity made you cross that line and become your FWB’s depression counselor. Good for you as a friend, bad for you as a recipient of benefits, because now, no one knows what to expect.

If you did it because you really, really liked her, then you would want to upgrade, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Don’t over think your feelings about her, because when most people are interested in someone romantically, they know pretty fast.

If one of you not being single is what kept you apart when you first met, getting together now makes sense, but if the spark just wasn’t there, then that’s why you aren’t together. As such, the reason you hooked up has more to do with loneliness than a unique connection, and might be worth leaving at that.

If you decide that you truly do want to go for a love upgrade, be sure your erstwhile non-exactly-lover is a solid person who would make a good partner, and that the benefit of a successful upgrade outweighs the loss of what you’ve already got. After all, once you jump from friends to boy/girlfriends, downgrading back to friends can be tricky, if not impossible.

Check out whether he/she is steady in other relationships and not too needy, sensitive, or vulnerable to runaway feelings. Remember, Glenn Close’s character in “Fatal Attraction” promised an attachment-free fuck and was probably sincere (in her own nutty way).

It’s your responsibility to make sure things are what they seem. Then figure out whether you want to make beautiful music together, or whether you’re just not ready to jam.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a Mission Statement to share with your friend. “I think we’re good at being friends, with or without benefits, but I know I’m not ready to go further because I don’t think the chemistry is quite right. I hope our friendship helped you during the winter when you were depressed. It left me feeling good about our friendship and with the same overall impression that that’s what our relationship is meant to be.”

Like a lot of single women in their 30s, I’ve gotten into internet dating, but I’m not very good at it, because I really don’t want to be mean to anyone, and I don’t think it’s fair to make up your mind about someone when you don’t really know them. I mean, sure, I have a physical type, but what I’m talking about is that I don’t want to brush off some poor guy after one cup of coffee just because he’s not my dream guy right off the bat, know what I mean? And I don’t think you can really learn that much about somebody based on a few emails, so basically I end up going on a bunch of dates that often aren’t that much fun or, if they are, I don’t get a call-back and wind up ruminating for a week about what went wrong. My goal is to figure out how to make online dating work.

Online dating doesn’t work unless you’re tough and disciplined (see case above). That’s because getting attached to someone who can’t return your feelings will wear you out and make you feel like an unattractive loser. It’s the way we’re wired (pardon the pun).

If your priority is to make everyone feel valued, send them some of Oprah’s favorite things. If you want to take advantage of the wide reach of online dating, which will expose you to large amounts of raw suiterage and toxic jerks, learn how to become an efficient and effective screener.

First, decide for yourself whether it’s moral to reject people, especially if it seems to cause them pain. In my opinion, it’s immoral not to reject people (assuming you do it politely and respectfully). Better to be tactfully honest than grudgingly lie.

If you don’t just rip off the Band-Aid, you’re leading them on and assuming responsibility for their feelings, making yourself vulnerable to manipulation and guilt, and/or promising what you can’t really deliver.

Sure, you may feel guilty if someone looks pained by your decision not to continue contact, but that’s just a passing feeling. Know the difference between guilty feelings and real guilt and learn how to ignore the former.

Of course, if you’re too sensitive to pain, either theirs or yours, you’re not ready to go hunting in love’s wild e-yonder, because hunting usually requires a willingness to tolerate pain. Your goal isn’t to avoid pain (or cause pain), but to minimize it, learn from it, and not let it interfere with an effective search.

If you’ve decided it’s OK not to run a ministry for the horny and needy and that guilty feelings can be ignored, then you’re ready to learn the principles of wide-reach screening and discover that you probably know them already.

Begin by listing the 5 or 6 criteria for excluding candidates, regardless of attractiveness. They include drug-use, poor money management, unreliability, a history of backing away from reasonable relationships, an inability to say no to horrible relatives, and a lack of interest in the kind of future that you want.

Then, while you’re chatting and searching for interpersonal chemistry, keep your list in mind and say good-bye whenever a red flag pops up. Time is short, screening is tiring, and the hunt is on.

STATEMENT:
Use your criteria to prepare a statement. “I’m interested in a reliable, hard-working, loyal grownup who can manage his/her money responsibly and is looking for a committed partner to share (name your future). I’m not in need of friendship or sex and I don’t have much time to chat, but I’ll get back to you if you’re interested and seem to be a possible match. ”

I’m what we in the gay community call a bear (burly and bearded). My ideal physical type, however, is the exact opposite, twinks (young, skinny man-boys), which I know isn’t exactly rare for anyone, gay or straight. My boyfriend, on the other hand, looks way more like me than my physical ideal; instead of looking lean and barely legal, he just looks like a suburban dad. Either way, I fell for him and what we have is really great, but I still feel guilty when I find myself checking out younger/leaner guys, which basically happens whenever I leave the house. I love my boyfriend, but I can’t stop my infatuation with other bodies. My goal is to get twinks out of my head before I do something stupid, like not keeping it in my pants.

Trying to change your sex fantasies is like trying not to be gay; it won’t work, you’ll think you’re out of control, and then you’ll act out of control.

Not only is trying to change your fantasies dangerous, but trying to satisfy them usually makes it impossible to have a stable relationship. Sad news, but at least Bill Clinton feels your pain.

The fact that we have persistent, driving sexual urges of any kind is necessary for the preservation of the species, but it usually causes more unhappiness than joy. Yes, there are couples who are very hot for one another and are also long-term, stable friends, but it’s rare (and often fictional). For most of us, life gets in the way, even if the relationship starts out with lots of hot sex.

“Life” includes aging, stress, diabetes, balding, kids, and the powerful odds that, with time, something or other will bump your sex drive or your partner’s into something less than compatibility. It’s what you do with incompatibility, rather than the presence of sexual compatibility, that’s the measure of a good relationship.

If you have imagination and ambition, you’ll have lots of yearnings that you can’t satisfy except by doing things that are bad for you. If you are indeed a wise man who is ready to withstand the pain of unsatisfiable urges, then don’t worry; even as those urges get worse, you’ll be prepared.

You’ve obviously learned from experience that a good partnership/friendship is hard to find, and that making the right body type your first priority is stupid and makes it all but impossible to find the right person. Otherwise, you would want some twinkerbell to be your one true lust.

So, for the sake of your long term goals and making the best of what you’ve got, celebrate your ability to tolerate frustration; grin and bear it, as it were. At least don’t shit in the woods.

STATEMENT:
“I wish I wasn’t twink-obsessed, but I know what’s good for me, and I’m proud of looking for and staying with the right person, particularly since I had to screen out some strong urges. I’m not ashamed of them. They are what they are. I’m proud that I can tolerate frustrating them for the sake of something more important than raw sexual pleasure.”

My West Virginian grandmother used to tell me that I was built like a horse on its hind legs, which is to say, I am a white girl with an African booty. I clearly have a sense of humor about it—I led the charge with J. Lo jokes back in the day—but I’m always worried when I meet guys that they’re after me for the fetish, not my personality, because believe me, I’ve been burned enough times by men who couldn’t see beyond my butt to the personal attached to it. I have girlfriends who are Asian who have the same problem, but none of us know what to do to avoid jerks. My goal is to find out if a guy actually likes me, instead of just what’s behind me.

If you’re attractive, you get dates, but then you’ve got to be a rough, tough screener of stallion-flesh, or you’ll wind up heart-burned by spending too much time with guys who fail to connect.

If you’re sweet, passive, and overly concerned about feelings, guys with needy sex drives will chew you to pieces because sex-drives notoriously trump decency and common sense. Guys don’t want to be jerks, but the little head doesn’t care how you feel or what will happen next, and he rules supreme.

So your goal isn’t to find someone who really, really likes you for who you are. It’s to fend off the many applicants who don’t and can’t so that you’ve got room on your dance card if and when the real thing arrives.

If you’re already the horse here, then you need to become a dick whisperer. Learn to read the little head’s mind.

Don’t equate niceness with friendliness. When interviewing job applicants, don’t worry about whether they will feel rejected; your priority is to find the best qualified without worrying about whether or not they can protect themselves. Screening dates has a similar protocol.

Act professionally, and move on as quickly as possible to rule out the unqualified. Screen out those with credit card debt, drug use, a bad history of relationships and/or work, or big differences in what you want out of life. They need not apply, they don’t need a hug.

If you decide to date, don’t get distracted by cute and charming. Once you charm one another, you’ll forget your job, which is to screen. You don’t have to charm; trust your booty to take care of that problem.

If someone really checks out as a good guy (after the detectives and your little-mind reading skills have verified his story), and you think the chemistry has real potential, despite (or because of) his being butt-struck, then go slow.

Sooner or later, reality will set in and you’ll both get a chance to see if you can work together/he is truly ready for this jelly.

STATEMENT:
“It takes a tough girl to screen horny guys because the work is rough and dangerous. My goal isn’t to make others happy or generate positive chemistry. If I can keep my focus on finding out facts and making good choices, regardless of my own urges and sensitivity and the charm or guilt-trips being thrown at me, I should be proud.”

I’m interested in a woman here at work, which automatically has two complications. First of all, we work together (although not directly, we’re just both teachers at the same elementary school). Second, despite being an educated guy in my 30s with hobbies and friends and all those good normal things, I am and have always been a completely incompetent flirt. I do not know how to be charming or cute, and I have no idea how I’ve gotten women interested in me in the past (and yes, I’m a math teacher). Do you have any flirting tips for the socially inept? My goal, simply, is to get the girl.

Thanks goodness flirting isn’t necessary, or many of us would never have gotten a first date, math teachers wouldn’t be able to propagate, and Poincaré would never have conjectured. Fortunately, there’s more than one kind of mating ritual for humans.

Ever if you were good at it, you’d find that flirting has its drawbacks. Because it’s fun and sexy, flirting tends to start something up before you really know where you want to go (see: the case that follows this one).

Particularly at work, getting attached and then getting to know someone is a risky way of dating that can turn a normally shitty day at the office into an endless trail of tears (and into good business for me).

If you’re a flirt, people may like your company and want to date you, but not necessarily do business with you. Unless they’re totally charmed, there’s an element of mistrust. Flirting is a two-edged kind of magic that, if you have it and use it, can often do more harm than good.

Even with internet dating, flirting often backfires. While two flirts are having fun playing verbal tennis, they often lose track of what they really need to find out about one another. They forget that their goal is not simply to connect, but to find a good person, and that good people are often not good flirters.

Finally, there’s Bill Clinton, the Olympic heavyweight of flirts, who proves that flirting can both win friends and influence people . . . to want to end your career (and maybe wring your neck). It’s a tough gift to manage.

Take advantage of what you’ve got, which is an opportunity to get to know someone you’re attracted to before you have to think about asking her out. Working together gives you a chance to see what she’s like, and how the two of you get along under pressure.

You get to see how she deals with kids, bosses, hard work, and colleagues. With luck, you can form a bond of friendship before you have to deal with love or sexual attraction.

You might long for the fun and sexiness that go with flirting (as opposed to the more straightforward tactics at your disposal), but remember, you’re smarter than that. Since you’re co-workers, you want this equation to result in a relationship, not a carefree fling. So get to it, and remember, show your work.

STATEMENT:
Then, if you still want to date her after you’ve gotten to know her, there are non-flirtational ways to move forward without having to be eloquent, attractive, or cool. In other words, without having to make a fool of yourself. “I’ve noticed we work well together and have a very positive chemistry. I wonder if you’ve thought of exploring a more social and personal relationship.”

For whatever reason, I always find myself getting hung up on guys my friends and I call “flirtrons”—guys who flirt with everyone and everything as if they were robots built that way. The problem is, I don’t realize that they’re not flirting with me on purpose until it’s too late and I’m hooked (and then hurt when the interest isn’t mutual). I want to know, what makes these guys act this way, and how do I get better flirtron-dar. My goal is to stop falling for guys who don’t give a shit.

The first mistake most people make when trying to correct bad behavior is trying to figure out why they do something instead of just skipping to how to stop it. That’s like starting a seminar to debate the sources of a fire before reaching for the extinguisher.

In your case, you hope that knowing more about your weakness for compulsive flirts and/or their reasons for being that way will give you a way to stop wanting them. Don’t do it, because by the time you’ve figured it out, your house will have burned down.

Don’t ask why some people can flirt without getting hurt but you can’t—even if you figure out an answer, you’re unlikely to change—and don’t ask why some guys don’t mean what they say.

Whatever answers you come up with won’t allow you to change them, or the fact that there are a lot of them, and you’re attracted to them, and they’re bad for you. God makes lots of bad things, and your job isn’t to study them, but to recognize and avoid.

Now that you’re ready to accept the fact that you’re an incurable flirtronaholic, it’s time to plan your own rescue. Until you’ve got yourself under better control, don’t talk to men unless you’re accompanied by a friend who can pinch you when she sees that you’re connecting too much. That’s right, you need a designated flirt-monitor, because you don’t need “flirtron-dar,” but a flirt detector that administers sharp shocks.

When she pinches you, stop, shut up, and walk away, and afterwards she can tell you what she saw that identified the guy as a flirtron, and at what point you should have reduced the intensity of your contact and didn’t.

Draw up a list of flirtron identifiers: lots of eye contact, conversations with momentum and emotional content and entertaining topics that leave you wanting more. It’s not normal for men to be like that. It’s exciting, but also combustible.

Don’t worry that your reticence will drop you out of the relationship market entirely, just off the market for guys who crave your (or any girl’s) attention. Naturally, we think firemen might be your perfect dating pool.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a mission statement that will keep you away from your deadly weakness. “I admit that I’m a flirtronaholic. Finding one male friend requires screening out 100 flirtrons and, in the absence of good instincts, I’ll rely more on my friends and develop procedures for keeping myself under control while I do the screening that must be done. ”

Do you think sex addiction is a real disease that needs therapy, or is it a way to make a big deal out of nothing that helps cheaters and the people they cheat on feel better while people in your business get paid? I love my wife—we’ve been together for almost 20 years—but I don’t think anyone would say I have an disease because I grab a little extra action if the opportunity comes along. I don’t think she knows I’m not faithful, it doesn’t happen that often, and I don’t think it hurts our marriage at all. It’s not like I have a steady mistress; I just end up going home with women I meet when I’m traveling sometimes, because it’s nice to feel young and like I haven’t lost it, whatever it is. As far as I can tell, everyone wins, because I feel better and my wife is less annoyed by my constant begging for sex. So my goal is to figure out if the way I live my life, which seems to be A-OK, is actually reason to go into rehab.

To rehab, or not to rehab. That is the question.

You’re raising the timeless question, and obviously, we’re not going to tell you to let your feelings be your guide, or, for that matter, your daddy, your minister, your rehab counselor, or your parakeet, Ray.

As to the validity of sex addiction, it either doesn’t matter, or it depends on your definition of illness. I define illness as something wrong with your body that’s personal, important, and out-of-control, and it doesn’t matter whether it’s cellular or behavioral, neurological or psychiatric. Or kinky.

Some people have lots of guilty feelings over nothing, others have no guilty feelings ever, and others are swayed by whomever they spoke to (or whatever website they read) last.

In reality, you can figure out the answer to the rehab riddle yourself if you’re willing to push aside false hope and wishful thinking, as well as unreasonable guilt.

Wishful thinking is believing there’s no risk of anyone’s getting hurt because, so far, no one has been hurt; that’s what it means to think with the little head. Unreasonable guilt is feeling so bad about having sinned that the only way of getting relief is to do it again.

That said, let’s look realistically at the risks and benefits of a sexual adventure. The benefit is a good (or even great) feeling, but the risk is that, despite your efforts to be discrete, your cover may get hit by an STD, a partner’s passionate clinginess or nastiness, or some other accident. You’re the one who knows best what happens after the great reveal in terms of your wife’s feeling hurt and/or deciding to end your partnership.

Whatever happens, it will involve lots of pain for you and your wife (and your kids if you have them), and lots of business for yours truly, never mind realtors, lawyers, jewelers, you name it.

For most people, that kind of marital apocalypse is an emotional and financial catastrophe. On the country music timeline, begin with “My Cheating Heart” and wind up “Sleeping Single in a Double Bed.”

You may think you’re in the clear if your partner subscribes to an “open marriage” and tells you she doesn’t believe in jealousy. Again, if that’s what you’d like to hear, don’t trust your ears until you ask yourself what she’s really likely to do, given all you know about her and her past relationships.

Remember, you’re not asking for permission from your mama; you’re the papa and a grown-ass man whose job is to figure out how things will really work out for the entire family.

So don’t wait until you’re scared by the evening news or local preacher or shrink to find whether or not to rehab. Look at the risks realistically and then do what you think is right.

If you decide to stop and can’t, then look for whatever help is simplest, cheapest, and most available and move on to costly treatments only if you absolutely have to. Remember, as much as you’d like to think that the costliest intervention—a month at Betty Ford—is more likely to give you the strongest, most permanent, temptation-resistant self-control, it’s not so.

If your sexual behavior is out-of-control and can do serious damage, and there’s a treatment that might work, then it’s worth a try. Start cheap, however, before you plunk down a college-tuition’s worth, and remember that treatment may not work. Or you can keep going, and pay the equivalent of my entire Harvard bill during your divorce.

Either way, the decision is ultimately yours, and hopefully things will work out better for you than they did for rehab Hamlet.

STATEMENT:
Write up a risk-reminder before the next time you leave town. “There’s nothing wrong with the pleasure of being attractive but there’s lots wrong with what can happen next. If I think the risks of causing harm are too great, I’ll do my best to avoid temptation. I may feel like a nervous wimp who’s afraid of what other people think. In reality, I’m doing what’s necessary to manage my life and do what’s right.”

When I was a teenager, I used to shoplift a lot, and I stopped, like a lot of kids, when I turned 18 and could get into real trouble with the law. That was a long time ago, and while I haven’t stolen anything from a store with a price tag on it since then, I do, and I’m not proud of this, grab any freebies I can get my hands on. For example, everything from the sugar packets to the toilet paper in my house is taken from local coffee shops. I want to stop doing it, because I’m really ashamed of the habit and I know it’s stupid, but I honestly feel like I can’t help myself. My goal is to stop taking things, whether or not they’re free.

Any behavior that doesn’t measure up to your standards of control will make you feel bad, but if control-of-everything was important, then those iron-willed guys who like to see how long they can hold their fingers in a flame (you notice they never hazard other body parts) or tolerate vigorous self-lashing would be the most virtuous, instead of the most insane.

Your goal then isn’t to feel in control (or put any vulnerable body parts at risk); it’s to have enough control over the controllable things that really matter.

You can judge the importance of any behavioral control problem by asking yourself how much harm the problem is likely to cause and how hard it is to control.

Don’t question whether it’s an addiction or not, or, at least, don’t do it more than once. Questions about whether or not you need withdrawal symptoms to define something as an addiction, or what the difference is between addictive and obsessive behaviors, help you dodge the tough question you don’t want to face, namely, how you’re going to deal with it.

Instead of debating the nature of addiction, ask yourself whether you have bigger behavior problems that are harder to notice, like, say, not doing enough with your life. Often a weakness for petty thievery is a sign that you don’t have other goals that are more important.

So add up the risk assessment of your out-of-control behavior. No, you’re not likely to get arrested, but you’re not going to like yourself for the fact that whoever sits down on the can after you’re finished, both with the toilet and taking the TP, is in for a nasty surprise. You need to ask yourself whether you’ve got better things to do with your time and, if not, what are you going to do about it.

Don’t ask yourself whether this sin will prevent you from getting into heaven, or even whether it will cause you embarrassment. Instead, imagine that your time is running out, and then wonder whether you’ve taken on enough meaningful tasks in life, like making a living and caring for others, to make you proud, with or without an iron-will.

STATEMENT:
Keep your smaller guilts from interfering with your bigger concerns. “I don’t always like my behavior or control it as well as I should, but I do my best with the bigger, harder responsibilities of life and that’s the source of my pride.”

I’ve always been a restless guy, so I got a job working for a consulting firm that sends me to jobs all over the country, for months at a time, though I often get home to see my folks. During my last visit over the holidays, I ran into an old girlfriend from high school, and it was like something out of a movie; we clicked instantly and have been acting like lovesick teenagers ever since, like nothing had ever changed, and I think this really might go somewhere. Of course, two big things have changed since high school, namely that I’ve left town and that she now has a kid that she loves to death (and she’s on good terms with the dad, who lives nearby and shares joint custody). I’ve made plans to spend a weekend with her later this month, and I want to keep our good thing going, but my sister tells me I’m an idiot because, unless I’m willing to move back to my hometown and act like a dad, I’m wasting my ex’s time and setting myself up for a big hurt. I don’t want to do either of those things, but I really love this woman and know she loves me, and her kid already has a dad he sees all the time, so if I stick around for the long term, would it really matter if I’m not physically around that much? My goal is to be with the woman I love, even if I’m not always there.

Despite what every pop song has ever said, love is not all there is; it’s just the initial glue (along with sex) that binds us together, regardless of whether we can possibly live together or meet one another’s long term needs.

So don’t listen to Celine Dion, because your goal isn’t to find true love, but to find a love that won’t lead to heartbreak, ruined finances, and a messed up kid (and I’m not talking about you).

Now, it’s possible that your girlfriend doesn’t want or need a full-time partner, and that a steady guy-on-the-side is perfect. like Oprah’s Stedman or Dolly Parton’s hubby. Your job is to figure out whether that’s the case now, and how long it’s likely to last, because there aren’t many Oprahs and Dollys in this world, and Oprah and Dolly don’t have kids.

You might think your sister doubts your love or your girlfriend’s, but she’s not trying to make you feel bad. She knows that you’re a gypsy who shows no sign of wanting to settle down, and doubts that Oprah’s or Dolly’s boy-friendships would last long if kids were involved (and millions of dollars and giant mammaries weren’t).

Don’t prove her wrong by swearing up and down about the way you feel, but by gathering facts to meet her concerns. Ask your girlfriend what she wants, and if she says a weekend a month and lots of phone calls would be perfect, ask her where the kid will be on those weekends, and whether you will go on vacations with her kid, and what happens when the kid gets sick, and what happens 5 years from now when her kid is older and has a different routine, and what happens if her kid support system breaks down, and what kind of relationship she wants you to have with the kid, and whether she wants more kids, etc, etc. I kid you not, there are a million ways the kid can influence your relationship, and it’s your job to think of them now.

Ask lots of questions until you build up a clear picture in your mind of how things will work; not how you wish they would work, but how they will actually work. If she says she needs a real partner, then no matter how you feel, that partner isn’t going to be you. You might feel cheated, but at least her kid won’t be.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a mission statement. “I believe my girlfriend is a wonderful person, but we’re both tied to facts we can’t change: my being a gypsy and her a mother. I need to figure out whether and where her kid fits in our relationship before I can possibly know whether we can make it work.”

My husband and I got divorced five years ago, when our daughter was a toddler, and since then, I’ve had a lot of trouble finding a new partner, or really dating in general. I can’t stand it when my daughter’s unhappy and I spend a lot of time trying to smooth things out with my ex- when he gets bent out of shape and, in the end, it’s hard to find the time or energy for a new relationship. My goal is to find someone new to share my (and my daughter’s) life with.

It goes without saying that your daughter should come first, but some people are much better than others at juggling competing priorities and tolerating the ensuing painful compromises that have got to be made.

It sounds like you’re holding onto your daughter but letting all the other balls drop; nice people like you are often poor jugglers because they like to nurture, tend to feel responsible for the feelings of others, and hate to disappoint.

Of course, they wind up causing more disappointment (excepting maybe to the kid or other squeaky wheel who claims their prime attention), which makes them lonely, bitter, and eager to complain to me about no good deed going unpunished. I get to see a lot of nice people, so hey, I can’t complain.

In fact, nice people spend so much time and energy worrying about their ex-spouses and what’s happening with their kids that what they want from a partner is nothing less than total support. I’m not saying you won’t find it, but you’re narrowing an already meager field.

Better you should learn how to create boundaries. Learning boundaries is a painful and not-nice experience for nice people, but it’s worthwhile and pays off in the long run.

The goal is to learn how to manage your inner nice girl so that it doesn’t control your life; not to be rude, thoughtless, or uncaring, but to be able to say no firmly and without further discussion when and if you believe it’s the right thing to do. That way you can eventually say “yes” to someone who wants to take you out on a date.

STATEMENT:
Prepare your statement. “I love my daughter and being a mother and I believe that I can do a good job and meet her needs without having to make everyone happy all the time, including her and my ex-husband. Indeed, if I am more attentive to my own standards for being a good parent and less reactive to their feelings and my own don’t-rock-the-boat instincts, I will become a stronger leader, better parent, and more capable of managing my own life.”

My husband and I divorced two years ago after twenty-five years of marriage. Believe it or not, the divorce was amicable; I’ve never been truly happy in my marriage, and the second our youngest left for college, I told him I felt trapped and finally needed a chance to find myself. See, my husband was the first and only man I ever dated after a very sheltered, lonely childhood, and I’m haunted by the feeling that my life is missing something because there’s so much about life I feel like I’ve missed out on. Now that I’m on my own and have a chance to find my bliss—to be in a true, loving relationship—I wonder if my unhappiness from my husband stems from the fact that I might actually be happier with women. I know that sounds crazy, but it’s not something I ever even had the chance to consider before, and all I do know for sure is that life with my husband, especially sexually, was never really gratifying. My goal is to find someone, anyone, whom I truly connect with before it’s too late.

It’s nice if finding and making the right sexual connection gives you a greater feeling of connection to life and relationships in general, a realization of who you are, an acceptance of your place in the universe, etc., etc., whatever. That’s what certain of the early 20th century novelists were trying to argue, and maybe the whole sexual liberation movement of the 60s and 70s was driven by that hope.

In reality, however, sexual identity is just one factor in what makes human connections meaningful, and you can’t be sure that your feeling of disconnectedness is a matter of sexual identity or, in a broader sense, that it’s within your control.

If it isn’t, your goal of finding a better connection can become self-destructive, because then you believe that you’ve failed to find meaning in your life, which is worse than the pain of feeling lonely and disconnected.

So here is what no one has been telling you about the birds and the bees: no one is guaranteed a connection. Sometimes people feel disconnected because of their personalities: think Aspergers, cowboys, sea-captains, Richard Nixon.

Sometimes you never have the opportunity to find people who are on your wavelength. Life can be lonely and sometimes there’s no solution, and some solutions are worse than the problem.

It’s no coincidence that a major source of connectedness is shitty-but-intense relationships. Yes, it’s easy to feel connected if your lover is dramatic and sexual. That’s the kind of person who will ramp up the volume whenever things get boring and insist on a big fat fight so you can have a teary, sexy make-up.

You may have seen such a person on TV, on, say, Maury, or in reality, ruining the life of a friend; great sex, total misery, good for reality TV and, later, a gold mine for clinicians like me, who enjoy hearing about the drama and feeding off it without having to live it.

So your goal isn’t to connect, but to try to connect if you can, and if you can do it in a way that’s consistent with your values.

Look around for someone or something to connect with, but be warned that, if it hasn’t happened by now, it may not be meant to. You may have the wrong kind of personality; or, unless you’re careful, the connectedness you find may be bad for your health.

It’s not all bad news though; if you don’t find what you’re looking for (and I’m not saying you won’t—I don’t know you—I’m just worried by the fact that, if connection hasn’t happened after all these years, it may not happen at all), the lack of connection doesn’t make life meaningless. That notion, again, is romantic bullshit. It’s more important to have relationships that can grow over the years and that share life events and are honest, without necessarily becoming intense or sexual.

If you’ve raised children who know you love them, and shared parenting and life’s problems with a husband over many years without killing one another, you’ve accomplished two of life’s biggest achievements and made the world a better place, even if your feelings didn’t go ting-a-ling.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to protect you from making too big a deal, or too personal an issue, of your connectedness. “I’d like to find someone or something that grabs me more than what I’ve found so far, so I’ve done everything I can to give myself a better opportunity. But I also value what I’ve done—being a good, caring mother and wife—and nothing can take that away. And if I don’t find what I’m looking for, I can take pride in knowing that I’ve been brave, taken risks, and pushed myself as far as possible without losing my commitment to being a good parent, doing good work, and being a good friend.

My wife and I have been together for a long time—I don’t want to get into numbers—but it’s only been fairly recently that she’s completely lost interest in intimacy, and while I know that’s what happens with age and such, this whole change has made me feel not just frustrated, but a bit emasculated. I’m not saying that I’m as eager as I used to be, but she really seems completely turned-off by me physically at this point, doesn’t even want to be close, and even though she doesn’t seem angry at me in any other way and assures me she’s just urgeless, nothing can convince me that something isn’t wrong. Either way, the whole deal leaves me feeling irritated and patronized. My goal is to figure out a way to get my wife to respect me again.

Even if your wife doesn’t respect you—and there’s no reason to think she doesn’t—there’s nothing you can do to change her feelings except make them worse by attacking her for not having her old sex drive. At that point, you’ll certainly never get laid.

Don’t make the mistake of equating sexual attractiveness with self-worth. Obviously, that’s the way our nervous systems are wired, and the media take full advantage of that wiring to sell products (feeling attractive feels good!). Unfortunately, like most things that make you feel good, it’s not terribly good for you.

So it’s not surprising the media perpetuate another stupid notion; that a strong sex drive is a normal part of being a healthy, attractive person. Bullshit. Sex drives vary tremendously, and without notice—even for the outrageously attractive.

Some people have lots and some little; the less sex drive you have, the smarter/more logic-based your decisions about people and relationships, so obviously there are advantages both ways.

And here’s one of the saddest things: even if you find a partner whose sex drive is very compatible with yours, there’s no guarantee it will stay that way or that, if yours or hers drops off, that doctors or healthy living will fix it. If anything, it’s more like the opposite.

You’re almost guaranteed that, sooner or later, things will change for her and/or you and not at the same time. You’re fucked…and not. Really, all the books and articles on sexual therapy and the availability of sexual therapists should shout out the truth: there’s seldom a cure.

Now that you’re properly bummed, let’s get to the good part. Your sexual incompatibility is not personal and, if you can keep yourself from making it so, you can make things better.

No, you can’t expect your wife to enjoy herself the way she used to (unless you and she get lucky and her sex drive, for whatever reason, comes back) and, if your pleasure depends on hers, too bad.

If she can give you pleasure without being excited herself, however, and you have the time and a positive relationship, you should be able to negotiate yourself into some fun you both can feel good about (or at least less frustrated).

It’s not that she doesn’t value you enough to have sex, but she may value you enough to agree to compassion sex, which, while not ideal, is better than no sex at all.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a proposition that protects you both from any implication of failure. “We’ve been lucky to have a wonderful sex life and it’s happened, in part, because we both enjoy sex. But it’s also happened because we’re good friends and we like to give one another pleasure, so, even though your urges have disappeared, we may still be able to have some sexual fun. How about I do more of the shopping, so you have less to worry about, and then we can take a little time to relax in bed and I can try to give you a little pleasure to match the great sexual pleasure that you give me? I continue to find you attractive. I want to find some other way to give you pleasure. Think about what I can do to make this work for us.”

Before I got treated for depression, my marriage was rocky, but not doomed. I would be irritable and lethargic, which was tough for my husband to deal with, but mostly he was concerned and caring, and he was glad when I decided to get help. Now I’m taking medication, which has helped a lot in stabilizing my moods and keeping the black clouds away. The downside is that my meds have also, surprise, made my sex drive disappear, and this is doing way more harm to my marriage than my depression ever did. My husband isn’t a creep—he’s put up with a lot, and has always been supportive—but I can tell that there’s a distance growing between us. It’s different now that I’m the same old me but not interested in him physically, as opposed to a crying mess who wasn’t interested in him but also couldn’t get dressed in the morning. Is there anyway to not be depressed and not be libido-less? My goal is for both me and my marriage to be healthy.

Equating a happy marriage with a lusty sex life (as does every magazine in the supermarket checkout line) is dangerous, because it directly links the state of your union to something you don’t actually control.

If you could control it, you wouldn’t be writing to me in the first place. More than that, the fact that there are so many sex therapists should tell you how limited your control is (as is theirs).

That’s what the word therapy means in ancient Urdu: doing something that may or may not help for a problem you don’t control but think you should. And if therapy fails, then you’ve got a bad marriage because you’re libido-deficient.

Your goal isn’t to have a lusty sex life (as desirable as that might be); but to make the most of the lust you got, and prevent a biological accident from devaluing your partnership.

Of course, it’s possible that a change in meds could restore your sex drive. On the other hand, it might not, and the new medication might be less effective at controlling your depression (because each and every antidepressant has a relatively high, 35% strike-out percentage), so don’t back yourself into a corner.

With those stats, try another medication if and only if you can afford the risk of switching to a dud. And be prepared to live with a diminished sex drive if that’s what’s required to keep your depression under control.

Compromise, as the therapists say, is a big part of marriage; giving up your medication in order to save your marriage isn’t reasonable, but giving your husband the occasional charity fuck seems pretty fair.

Being the sensitive guy he is, your husband may find it harder to enjoy sex if you don’t seem aroused. But stick to your goal, which is not to make him happy, or even to make you happy, but to separate sexual satisfaction from marital quality and, in effect, make him less sensitive to you and more focused on the big picture.

If the two of you care enough to at least try to make one another sexually happy, that’s what counts. If it doesn’t work, that’s too bad, but it’s not your department. Credit yourself and him for trying and for doing the right thing by your own health and hold yourself responsible for nothing more. And the therapists can shove it.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that protects the two of you from being responsible for the vagaries of sexual chemistry. “Honey, I know my low sex drive disappoints you, but it doesn’t change the fact that you’re a great partner for sex and everything else. We can’t help my lack of libido but you will get more satisfaction if you remember that I love you and that sex with you is pleasurable and meaningful to me, even if I don’t get sexually excited. I’m excited, in a deeper way, by the kind of person you are and the way you stand by me. “Stand By Me” is more important than “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.” Remember that, and have some sexual fun on me.

Recently, I discovered that most of the dumb shit I’ve done in my life—all the trouble I got into at school, the speeding tickets, the fucking up at work—is probably because I have ADD. As in, I was sitting in the doctor’s office waiting for my girlfriend, reading a pamphlet on ADD, and I answered every question yes (or HELL YES). Now that I know what’s wrong with me, I want to know how I can get medication to treat it. After all, now that I know I’m sick, I should get a pill to make it better, right? Do I need to go to any doctor or a shrink specifically? My goal is to get better.

Here’s an important fact to get out of the way right now: ADD is not an illness. Depression is an illness. ADD is a set of traits that makes it harder for you to do some things, and easier to do others.

As you saw in your pamphlet, the symptoms of ADD include impulsivity, distractibility, and a need for a burst of internal adrenalin before you can focus and learn. So if you’re doing something active where it helps to be spontaneous and unpredictable, like fighting or playing sports or trading or politicking, it helps.

On the other hand, if you need to sit and study and focus on work without fucking up, it gets in the way. Today, everyone must spend much more time sitting and logging-in and studying than ever before in human history, so we have an ADD “epidemic.”

If you expect to control ADD, you’ll give yourself a headache and wind up more frustrated and self-critical than ever, which will add to your distraction. Your mind works the way it works, and there’s only so much you can do to change it. Your goal isn’t to find medication that will change yourself; it’s to manage your ADD traits to minimize their getting in your way.

ADD often makes school a miserable experience, but school isn’t forever. Eventually, school is over and you’re free to look for work and play activities that ADD helps. ADD helps salesmen stay active and engaged. It gives teachers energy and spontaneity. It gives artists creativity. Your job is to find your niche, not force yourself to fit a niche for which ADD is a disability.

How far you go in treating ADD depends on how much trouble you think it’s causing you. If it’s causing you nothing more than embarrassment and a need to work a little harder, then there’s no reason to try to treat it and take meds.

If it’s threatening your job or preventing you from acquiring important credentials, then it’s worth more of your time, money, and willingness to endure risk. Before seeking treatment, do your own risk benefit assessment.

Explore non-medical options first because they have fewer side-effects and risks and, often, lower costs. Take courses or tutorials on how to stay organized, prioritize, build good study and work habits, and counteract distraction. If and only if these non-medical options fall short and you believe improvement is really necessary should you pursue medical treatment. It’s your decision to make, not your doctor’s.

Think of treatment as a trial experiment to be conducted by you on you. You don’t know, before you try, whether it will do enough good to be worth the risk and cost. No, it isn’t very risky, but there’s a much bigger chance it either won’t work, will cause you unpleasant side effects, or both. So your goal isn’t to get medical treatment; it’s to determine whether a trial is worthwhile and then conduct it. That’s your prescription.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement to clarify your responsibilities for managing ADD. “I have traits that undermine my self-control and ability to learn and I desperately need to manage them better, if I can. I will continue to look for behavioral techniques and ideas, but I need more and have thus decided that trying medication is worth the risk.”

After my husband and I got divorced, I started going to a therapist, because I was really leveled by the whole experience. Plus I worried I was facing a custody battle over our son, who was only five, and wanted to make sure I kept it together for him. Ultimately, custody went more smoothly than I expected (my son lives with me over the school year and spends summers and some holidays with his dad), and my ex and I are on civil terms. To make a long story short though, in talking to this therapist about my ex and his odd family (with whom he spends lots of time in the summer), the therapist asked me if my ex-husband had ever talked about being molested—the family behavior I described as odd, on top of my ex-husband’s own quirks, seemed indicative of a pattern of abuse. I got up the courage to confront my ex about it, but he shut me down pretty fast. The problem is that he has our son with him and his family, and I’m worried absolutely sick, but there’s nothing I can do. I’d like to help my ex in a way, but my goal, really, is to do what’s best for my son.

Let’s imagine, just for the sake of argument, that your ex-‘s family is eccentric but not abusive. You push your ex-, he tells his family, they’re all offended and can’t talk about you without snarling with anger. Now they’re not just eccentric, they’re enraged.

Then, your son picks up on the vibrations and starts walking on eggshells with everyone, including you. That’s how dangerous it is to try too hard to protect your son from abuse; declare war on those who threaten him, and he could be your first casualty.

A better goal is to do whatever you can to protect him from abuse while also trying to protect him from the potential conflict an allegation will trigger. It’s certainly a fine line, and you must be able to tolerate fear and uncertainty to walk it. You don’t really have a choice, because the alternative is worse. And, anyway, it’s part of your parental job description.

Begin by putting aside fear and collecting facts. Consider what made the therapist raise this issue; some therapists tend to treat hunches, suspicions, and symbolic connections as if they were facts. In part, this is an old tradition among therapists and also reflects their intense wish to find something to work on when they don’t know what else to do.

The fact is, however, that therapists aren’t particularly good at identifying abuse, which requires the solid, fact-gathering techniques of a detective. So thank the therapist for raising the question, but a hunch like that needs solid evidence, as hard as it may be to gather.

Of course, the fear that haunts you is that you’ll fail to protect him by not taking action. But you don’t have the power to take action without causing greater harm, so remind yourself that, as a parent, your job is to do your best with very limited powers and then pick up the pieces if something goes wrong. You’re doing your job well– it’s the job that sucks.

While you can’t be there when your son is visiting his father’s family, you’re in a good position to pick up a great deal if something goes wrong. You’ll know if your son’s mood changes radically after a visit or he becomes withdrawn.

And that’s when, if you have a specific reason to be alarmed, you must walk the line between anger and an aggressive—but respectful—investigation.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement of your right to pursue the issue that is as unprovocative as possible. “I’ve always had reason to respect my in-laws (pile on every positive that isn’t a lie) and regard them as a resource for my son. But, now that I’m no longer there to be part of their family time with him and a therapist has raised the issue of abuse (it wasn’t my idea), I’m bound to keep an eye out. I can understand that my husband would feel insulted by such a suggestion, but it isn’t an allegation, it isn’t mine, and we both put his safety above everything. So I mean no disrespect by asking my husband to pay special attention and to join with me in avoiding risky situations if he thinks a risk exists.”

My ex-girlfriend cheated on me with this guy from her work, but she was angry at me for breaking up with her. I wish I could explain her logic to you, and believe me, I’ve tried to explain it to myself, but no dice. Normally, I’d write her off as another crazy ex to tell stories about with my friends, but the problem is, she has my watch. Or really, she has my grandfather’s watch, which I left at her apartment by accident before we broke up (and no, he didn’t hide the watch in his ass during the war, but pretty close, so if you’re going to just tell me to get another watch, don’t, this watch is way more to me than just a way to tell time). So I stormed out of her place and didn’t realize the watch was missing for a day or two, and there’s only one place it could’ve been. When I called her to ask for it back, she insisted it wasn’t there, she didn’t know what I was talking about, that I was an asshole for walking out, whatever, anything but the truth, which is that she has my grandfather’s fucking watch. You deal with crazy people, so tell me, how do I get this nut-job to take a break from lying and give it back already?

Before we try to figure out what could work, let’s go over what doesn’t work, and nagging seems to be at the top of that list. We know this because she’s dug in her heels, and whether she’s too embarrassed to admit she’s lying or just getting satisfaction out of watching you squirm, pushing harder is not going to get your watch back for you.

In fact, every time you ask for your watch, she feels like you a, like your watch more than you like her, and b, are being forced to go through the same suffering you put her through by dumping her. In other words, you ask for the watch, and she asks you and the watch to go fuck yourselves.

Painful as it might be, you have to try to accept the fact that your grandfather’s watch may be gone for good. You can go the OJ-in-Las-Vegas route, but I don’t recommend it (and neither would he). You can bribe her roommate, if she has one. If you have friends in law enforcement, that might work, too.

Trying to make friends with her might work, but it’s not likely to happen if she’s feeling vulnerable and angry. At least not for 10 years. Besides, if she’s as nutty as you make her seem, you’re probably better off having her out of your life for good.

But your goal is to try your best, whether or not it works, and this requires you to address her positively, despite the cheating and stealing. The angrier you get with her, the crazier she’ll get with you. It’s a perfect storm of feelings that leaves you frustrated and watchless, so put on your best customer service smile and try to make a deal.

And since you mentioned she’s one in a string of “crazy exes,” you should also ask yourself what you were doing with the kind of girls who would cheat, lie, and steal. Sure, they provide stories that amuse you and your friends, but would you rather make your friends laugh or have a faithful girlfriend who doesn’t swipe heirloom accessories?

Don’t ask yourself why you gravitate towards the crazy, because it doesn’t matter. Just avoid women who fit your usual girlfriend profile and opt for women who are more steady and reliable. With or without your watch, there will always be a next time. Make grandpa proud.

STATEMENT:
Here’s one way to approach your ex that might be more fruitful. “Our relationship was important to me and what I’m feeling now is mainly anger and disappointment. But I hope we can both take away what’s positive and learn from our mistakes, so we do better next time. I wish you could find that watch and send it to me, not because I wish to have nothing to do with you, but because it will help me remember the good times and think about doing better.”