I think my girlfriend is basically committed to me (after 4 years of our having a steady relationship, despite living in different cities). After much backing-and-filling and hemming-and-hawing, she introduced me to her 3 kids and her ex. The problem, I think, is that her ex-husband is an evil drama-monster who bludgeoned her with tantrums, legal threats, and ultimatums until she would do anything to appease him. It makes her a total wuss with the kids and interferes with her availability for our relationship. That makes me push her sometimes, which makes her jump like she’s been scalded and trapped between two powerful, demanding masters. I don’t think she’s into dominant men any more (at least, I don’t see myself as one), but my goal is to help her resist her evil ex without making her feel she’s doing it to appease me.

No matter how nice your girlfriend is, if she’s over-reactive to an evil ex, you can find yourself getting irritated, worried, and sometimes outraged. You’re sorry she has trouble setting limits with the guy, but you sure don’t want him to control your life.

If she doesn’t learn how to manage him and the feelings he stirs up in her, however, that’s what will happen, and your relationship will be riddled with the drama you’re both trying to avoid (and also become very crowded).

That doesn’t mean, of course, that she loves him more than you; he just has the power to make her more frightened or guilty than you do, because he isn’t as “nice”, and she doesn’t know what to do with those feelings other than appease him.

Of course, that may tempt you to fight back by showing her that you’re just as good at making her feel bad, which would turn you into a chair-slinger in someone else’s soap opera (as well as something of a jerk), and it’s clear you’re not letting that happen. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed to a relationship with him if you want a relationship with her.

Your best weapon is the same one we use as shrinks (and the one you seem to be using now); coach her to see a better, though not comfortable, alternative, urging her to use a lawyer to figure out when she can say “no” and what to say to her ex and kids if they attack her for being mean or unreasonable. Support her in doing what she believes is right and what will work out better, rather than in doing what will make you happy or her less stressed. Odds are, if an action is right and reasonable, it’s guaranteed to make her ex pounce.

Continue to offer her your positive perspective; she’s a good woman who has done her job as a mother and can do a better job by learning to say no. In doing so, her best therapist is her lawyer (used not for venting feelings, but for information about standards and consequences).

If she can’t make progress with that approach, then the package is what it is, and you’ll need to take it or leave it. What seems to be happening, however, is that she’s getting tougher, in part because you know how to keep a lid on your negative feelings while giving good advice. Her ex puts a burden on your life, but he doesn’t control it, and he doesn’t have to ruin the life you and your girlfriend share.

STATEMENT:
“My girlfriend’s wussiness about her ex drives me crazy, but I know she’s a good, responsible person who’s come a long way in learning how to take a stand. It’s been frustrating, and often feels like work, but I’ve done a good job managing my anger, she’s doing better at managing her fear, and we both continue to feel the relationship is worth it.”

My ex-husband has the divorce court judge in his pocket and it’s driving me crazy. Regardless of our divorce agreement, he takes me back to court every year for additional money for our daughter’s residential treatment (she has as addiction problems), and the judge buys his story in spite of its being full of lies and bullshit. He says I have money I don’t have—I can no longer afford a lawyer. He wants me to pay for a fancy, private facility that won’t take our insurance when there’s a good one in our insurance company’s network. As a recovering alcoholic myself, I want my daughter to get treatment as much as my husband does, but what I really want is for that judge to know how wrong he is to think I’m a skinflint and allow my ex to torture me year after year.

Unless you grew up with parents who were always fair and unbiased, you know there’s a real danger in expecting justice. The more justified you are in feeling screwed by the judge/parent, the bigger the danger.

Yes, you’d hope that expressions of injured innocence would get him/her to reconsider and, in a fair world, that’s what would happen. In this world, however, expressing negative feelings about a judge’s judgment usually makes the judge feel attacked and insecure, particularly if you’re angry and right. Not only does justice does not ensue, your hole gets deeper, as does your injury, anger, and tendency to make more trouble for yourself.

If your ex-husband is an Asshole (readers of this blog understand that I use this term diagnostically, and not pejoratively), he truly believes he’s a righteous defender of the weak, so it’s not hard to see why a judge who doesn’t know him would be taken in. If you then attack him, you’ll look like the angry girl your ex says you are.

So put the same lid on venting outrage as you do on alcohol; stay sober, and stay quiet. Remember, keeping negative feelings inside is not nearly as bad as letting them out in front of the wrong audience.

Now that you’re ready to eat your shit sandwich—cry if you must, but please don’t bring it up again—you’re ready to say something positive about your own plan for your daughter. Namely, that you want her to get help as much as your ex does, but you expect her to need help for a long time and you’re trying to save money now, because she’ll need it later. That’s why you’re trying to save on legal bills and don’t want to pay for the best intervention program when the difference between best and good is not worth it.

Don’t get distracted by the judge’s willingness to believe you’re a bad, stingy parent and don’t defend yourself by attacking his judgment or the unfairness of being dragged back into court. Stay on message: talk about your concern for your daughter and your belief in the advantages of your plan.

Given time and no attacks from you, the judge will probably catch on to your Asshole husband’s bullshit, particularly if you stick to your agenda and don’t push his buttons. You might not get perfect justice, but you’ll get a good feeling of pride for having expressed yourself as a caring mother, without getting screwed by him and your old negative feelings.

STATEMENT:
“It’s horrible to feel I can be dragged back into court at any time, to be judged by someone who believes I’m an asshole no matter what I say or do, but that’s life. I know I’m ready to do right by my daughter and that I’ve got a good plan. Beyond that, I don’t control.”

My brother is really an upbeat, cheerful, friendly guy, but he turns into a viper whenever someone tells him what to do, even when it’s sure to get him into lots of trouble, and afterwards he’s convinced he’s been calm and diplomatic. When he and his wife got divorced, he was so argumentative with the judge that he lost custody of his kid. When his boss asked him to do something stupid, my brother fired off emails to Human Resources declaring he was being unfairly attacked. The funny thing is, he doesn’t mind when I tell him he’s being stupid, and the next time something happens he’s sure he’s done better; but he hasn’t. He’s not nearly as difficult as he seems to be, so my goal is to keep him out of trouble.

God bless the antagonists, for they know not what bile they speak.

Whenever someone is particularly quick to resist being pushed, we assume there’s an emotional reason for his actions, and that understanding why will help him to control himself, or help us shut him up and make him more tolerable.

Truth is, we often can’t explain or control oppositional behavior, which suggests there’s a basic force of nature driving some people to be reflexively, unthinkingly oppositional.

It’s actually on the spectrum of Asshole ™ behavior, but, since it lacks the malice required to actually fulfill the Asshole criteria, it remains a general pain in the ass, especially for those people, like you, who are close to him.

Maybe the Oppositional Instinct springs from a genetic trait that spurs creativity or guarantees that not everyone will follow the leader of the human herd, thus guaranteeing that some will survive if the herd leader is fatally wrong. The Bible’s Abraham certainly wasn’t a get-along kind of guy, Steve Jobs wasn’t a people person, and no shrink with a blog fxckfeelings.com is eager to go with the professional flow. Most of the time, however, instant opposition doesn’t win friends among authority, co-workers, family, and/or most mammals.

Since their actions are often infuriating, we think oppositional people must be furious, but in reality, they’re often just doing their thing, taking courage from the fact that everyone else is getting mad and is therefore the irrational party. You can’t try to change your brother then, or teach him how to protect himself.

Short of averting your eyes, you can help other people who care about him—the victims of his accidental provocation—most of whom will hate and love him in equal measure. Friends will feel he wasted their help and ignored their advice, family will blame him for endangering their security, and they’ll all speculate about the impact of the things they could have or should have said or actually did say.

If you brought them together in a support group (or did individual sessions), they’d discover that everything had been said, more than once, and it did no good. It’s sad, but, on the other hand, no one failed.

While you and those who related can help each other deal with the pain (in your ass), sadly, you can’t stop him from being an ass in the future.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help feeling that I could save my brother from his worst problems if only I could get him to shut up, but I know better. The best I can do is appreciate his better qualities and accept the fact that it’s probably more painful to watch him than be him, since he’s always doing what he knows is the right thing to do.”

My father is the kind of guy who would always complain about my mother (his ex-wife) to my face, even when I was little, but, if I objected, he would get mad at me for being ungrateful and unsympathetic. He still does it now that I’m an adult, and there’s got to be a better way to deal with him then just avoiding him so I don’t have to hear it. My goal is to set limits on him that will stick.

While you may be in a unique position to know that your father has good reason to be hurting, you also know, from experience, that airing grievances repeatedly is a good definition of whining. It may provide your father with temporary relief, but it also binds him to his role of victim/husband in a relationship that’s long over.

The fact that he attacks you for not being sympathetic is the icing on the cake, as far as proving the unhealthy nature of his kind of venting; he widens his victimhood by sucking his near and dear into the role of villain. OK, I know he can’t help it but still, it’s not good for you to have this kind of conversation.

You’re right to want to stop it, and telling him how unhealthy his father-son venting is is a start, but you need stronger weapons than reasoning with him about his violating a parental boundary. In order to prepare, ask yourself what you’d do if he ignored your wishes and crossed that line, and be ready for when it happens.

List the reasons that you believe it isn’t good to listen, even though he believes, in his heart, that this makes you a hard-hearted kid. You know your listening does no good, brings out nothing good in him, and has you walking on eggshells. You also know that you won’t get him to understand this point of view.

Ironically, once you believe in your own values, over and above whatever your father tells you, you’re an adult, not a kid. It’s as an adult that you tell him it’s not a good subject to get into and you don’t’ want to talk about it. Knowing that he’ll object, and refusing to explain, is what an adult does.

So what’s important is not what you tell him, but what you tell yourself. If you believe that what you’re doing is best for everyone, then your silence speaks louder than words, and distance won’t be necessary.

STATEMENT:
“I’ve always felt trapped by my father’s complaints and confessions, particularly because he jumps on me if I don’t listen, and I can’t help but feel guilty. I’ve thought through the consequences of his actions, however, and my sense of what’s right is stronger than the guilt reflex he can always make me feel. As long as I stick with what I know is right, I’ll never be trapped.”

I’m always a little annoyed at my boyfriend, even though we never really fight, because he always seems a little unavailable (you’d think at our age he’d be over playing games). If we spend lots of time together this weekend, then next weekend I can be sure he’ll call back late, find a reason we can’t meet early in the day, and leave me with an option for getting together briefly that doesn’t work well for either one of us. He used to say it was because he needed time for his son, but now that his son’s in college things haven’t changed. I don’t think he wants to date anyone else, and our friends think we’re great together, but I’d like to share my life with someone and our relationship is stuck.

Sometimes the worst thing about a relationship is that it’s too good to be bad, but too bad to be worth the effort.

Your boyfriend is almost a good match, good enough so that you look forward to seeing him every weekend, but it’s not mutual enough for him to feel the way you do. So you’re always chasing him, but never quite catching him.

If it were truly bad, then either he’d end it, or pride, fighting or the protests of friends might eventually help you break up, grieve and move on. Here, no such luck. You’re in relationship purgatory, but on the southern side.

Like Miss Piggy, it’s natural for you to have feelings about landing your elusive frog once and for all. You might wonder whether you need to make him love you more, or get him in the right mood, or lay down the law. Usually, however, if you’re not too bashful, you’ve already tried everything possible (short of karate chops), it hasn’t worked, and that’s the way it is.

So it’s time to admit that your goal isn’t to land him, because that’s just going to make you miserable. Your goal is to accept that, for whatever reason, he’ll never be fully available (and he won’t completely go away).

If you can accept that he’ll always be a grade B, then maybe you can stop feeling hurt and rejected and start thinking about whether he’s still good for something, better than the alternative, at least for the time being. If he’s better than nothing, at least until someone better comes along, then maybe he’s still worth seeing from time to time. If not, then stick with nothing and push him off into the sunset.

In any case, stop chasing him or pursuing what you want but can’t have. If you love him too much, keep away entirely. Otherwise, you will have fewer fights if you see him when he feels like it, enjoy your time together, and keep looking for something good, not just good enough.

STATEMENT:
“I sometimes feel like a loser because I can’t get my boyfriend to love me as much as I love him, but I know that I haven’t done anything wrong and that I’ve made a good effort to make things work. It’s not good for me to try to get someone to love me. I’ve got to protect my heart, give myself a future, and move on.”

My daughter’s seeing this guy who is crazy about her, but my husband can’t stand him. He’s hard-working, serious, very smart, and seemingly reliable, but he’s socially clueless and often irritates people without meaning to, including my husband, who’s equally socially clueless in that he can’t just be polite and hide his dislike. I like my daughter’s boyfriend and wish my husband wasn’t so unhappy with the guy who may marry our daughter.

It’s tempting, when you’re sensitive to social conflict, to want to help people get along, particularly when you see the long-term risks of conflict better than they can. If you’re gifted at overcoming awkwardness, smoothing out shyness, and getting antagonistic people to find common interests, it’s hard not to take responsibility for being a general, all around peacemaker and conductor of the harmony chorus.

Unfortunately, trying to stop a partner from expressing his anger may well give him a target for that anger, as well as renewing his determination to speak his mind, so don’t take responsibility for curbing your husband’s self-expressiveness or bad behavior. You might also be tempted to smooth over your daughter’s boyfriend’s rough edges, but this is equally likely to backfire.

So instead of trying to end hostility, see if you can get the parties involved to tolerate hostile feelings that may well be unavoidable. Begin by asking your husband what’s most important about his daughter’s boyfriend; whether he’s fun to be with, or likely to provide her with a good, solid partner and co-parent. Naturally, you and your husband would like your son-in-law to be both, but if that’s not to be, urge your husband to think through his priorities.

Then don’t ask your husband to be nice for your sake or his daughter’s, but for the sake of what he believes will be best for your daughter and possible grandchildren. In addition, he should ask himself whether he wants to drive his future son-in-law away.

I assume you think your daughter is aware of and accepts her boyfriend’s shortcomings, and that you’re not too worried about the long-term stability of their relationship. You get along with him fine and are ready to spend time with both of them, whether or not your husband is well-behaved enough to come along.

If you can draw a line, friendly but firm, between your husband’s behavior and your own, your partnership does not need to spoil your participation in theirs.

STATEMENT:
“I wish my daughter’s boyfriend was better with people and that my husband was better at stifling his dislike, but I believe her boyfriend has strengths that will make him a good partner for her, if that’s what she wants, and I won’t let my husband’s feelings or complaints interfere with the relationship I plan to have with the next generation.”

Is the habit of procrastination a reality that cannot be changed, or not? I often find myself procrastinating so long that something I feel I want to do or should be doing is no longer possible to do. Then I feel terrible about myself and berate myself. Should I give up those dreams/things I want to do or should I plug on and do the best I can, hoping that I can overcome procrastination enough to actually accomplish a few things?

Berating yourself whenever any bad habit gets the better of you can make you feel weak, angry, hopeless, etc. The one thing it can’t do is make that habit go away.

On the plus side, your frustration shows that you care about doing better, but self-blame leaves you feeling weak, angry, hopeless, etc., which makes it harder for you to get out of your chair and start catching up.

While logic dictates that finding the source of a problem will lead you to the solution, trying to find out why you procrastinate doesn’t usually help. For one (deliciously ironic) thing, it gives you a reason to avoid doing what you need to do.

Sure, you can tell yourself you’re working on the problem and that you’ll get going when you finally feel more energetic. Unfortunately, figuring things out doesn’t usually give you that energy, just insight, and insight won’t get your ass in gear.

It could be that many people procrastinate because their brains aren’t very good at self-starting, even when they’re quite motivated; look at how many people run out of gas after they retire, with no schedule or manager to tell them what to do and when to do it. Most of us rely on our families, financial pressures, and work obligations to give us structure.

So you can try to find where your bad habits started, or you can accept that procrastination is like over-eating, over-drinking, or any number of guilt-inducing behaviors; it’s remarkably common, you assume you should be able to control it, and yet it’s remarkably hard to control. Then again, if it was so easy to control, there wouldn’t be such a remarkable number of people with the same problem.

Admitting that you’ve got the problem and accepting the fact that you’re stuck with it is probably the first step (as in AA) to recovery. Once you’ve stopped waiting until you feel better and realize you’ve got to work with what you’ve got, you’re sufficiently desperate to shove aside your shame and ask for help. At that point, you will discover lots of other nice people with the same problem, some of whom are willing to offer you help and guidance. They’ll help you get over insight and get practical.

Otherwise, there are a few simple things you can do to work around your problem, like asking a friend to come over and watch you get a specific job done. S/he doesn’t have to nag or provide direct help; just by standing around, expecting you to start working, and not being distracting, s/he may have given you the necessary structure.

If you think procrastination is a big enough problem, ‘fess up and go to work on it. It won’t be easy, and you won’t always get the better of it, but you will gain the confidence that comes with knowing you’re doing the best with what you’ve got. So, first and foremost, don’t blame yourself and don’t give up. And don’t keep putting off following this advice.

STATEMENT:
“I hate myself for not keeping my commitments, but there’s no point in kicking myself for a weakness I can’t control. I may not have the strength to overcome it without losing my pride, but I will take pride in shaming myself if that’s what’s necessary to get stronger.”

I don’t see why my wife doesn’t try harder to recover from her stroke. It’s been 3 years since she was paralyzed and she made an almost perfect recovery. She’s got back all her old intelligence, wit and charm. Her balance is off, but, with the help of a good physiotherapist, she’s recovered the strength in her legs. What bugs me is that she likes to stay in her room and do very little. She’s not depressed, but she won’t do her exercises and her legs are starting to lose their strength. She’s happy as a clam as long as she doesn’t have to leave her room except to go to the bathroom. She’s nasty with me, because I keep on pushing her to get up and come down stairs. I don’t know what’s happened to her motivation or why she’s irritable. My goal is to help her recover and get our old life back.

We all know the way recovery from a debilitating injury is supposed to work, at least according to stage and screen; a strong, determined physiotherapist or friend or partner imposes a positive regimen of activity and exercise, refuses to take no for an answer, demonstrates results, and restores a patient’s hope and confidence. Everyone walks away with their lives feeling affirmed, roll credits.

This expectation can cause a shitload of trouble, however, if a patient’s brain injury damages their ability to motivate and organize themselves. Yes, it can happen, and often does, and when it does the patient gets blamed for being a quitter. Family relationships turn ugly and everyone feels like a loser. That’s the dangerous, feel-bad side effect of physiotherapy.

Yes, it’s possible that your wife is depressed or phobic, and that a structured behavioral program, and maybe some medication, could help her get over the hump. You describe her, however, as happy to veg in her room and untroubled by her limited mobility, so I suspect that, after 3 years, she’s not going to budge or agree to a tougher rehabilitative program with a psychiatric evaluation. She is who she is, and it’s not who she used to be.

If you want to improve your relationship and restore the old camaraderie, give up on your other dreams. You can’t have them, and you can’t blame her for not living up to them. You can still encourage her to walk, but don’t expect a hike. Enjoy the part of her personality that returned, mourn the part that didn’t, and keep your sorrow to yourself.

Strokes are horrible–you lose a precious part of someone you love–but you can’t show your sadness, because you’re trying to make them feel good about what they’ve recovered. Recovery is a two-way street; she’s got to try to get back to her old self, and you have to learn to accept her new self.

As a good and loyal husband, accept your loss, turn in your certificate as a rehab trainer, and enjoy spending time with the person she’s become. In real life, an outcome that’s less-than-miraculous can still be a happy ending.

STATEMENT:
“I miss the part of my wife, and life, that I lost to her stroke, and I hate giving up, but I’m proud of what I’ve done to help her recover and I think she’s done her best, given the changes in her brain that hold her back. I will show that pride when we’re together, while becoming more independent about the parts of my life she can no longer share.”

I’m a 22-year-old who is coming out of a pretty rough emotional patch. I got into a bad habit of leaning on a male friend, being a complete needy, co-dependent mess with a guy who is a pretty heavy drinker and, you guessed it, a needy, co-dependent mess. Well. Now I’ve sobered up and tried to develop some space between us, and he’s not taking it well. He drunk-dials me at least once a week, and leaves these crazy, rambling, needy voicemails. (I moved away a while back, and he keeps pushing me to make plans to meet up.) I basically want to cut him out of my life altogether, because I really think he’s bad for me. But he was there for me—albeit in a f*cked up way—when I was a mess. Does dropping him make me a bitch?

There are two sides to every sin; for example, murder is evil while manslaughter is just really unfortunate. The same is true for good deeds, and fidelity, while less deadly (hopefully), works much the same way.

There’s a bad kind of fidelity based on feelings and a good one based on what you think is right. The bad one is a gut-level sense of obligation you feel towards anyone you’ve shared a bed or bread or booze with, who cries out to you in need and expects you to respond.

It’s some kind of basic nervous system bonding that disregards whether you’ve already done your share, whether the other guy can actually make use of your help (or will just need more and more), or whether you have a right to weigh his needs against other priorities, like finding a relationship with a guy who can occasionally walk in a straight line.

Now, if you were judging the conduct of a friend, you’d probably say that you’ve done all you can, but until he stops drinking, you can’t offer much more. He may see you as dumping him, but what you’re dumping is not him, but his alcoholism. You might like him better if he got a grip and got sober, but you won’t know unless he does.

However, since you’re not using the rational side of your mind, leaving him makes you feel like a bitch and you need someone to tell you you’re not. Instead, you’re getting someone who will tell you to think for yourself.

Don’t ask anyone else for that kind of reassurance, not even (or especially) over the internet. Learn to give it to yourself, because your values are fine. You could confidently advise a friend, so stand by what you know and give yourself the same advice you would give anyone else.

Yes, you’ll still feel like a bitch because feelings are feelings. If your goal is not to feel guilty, have a drink (which will eventually make you feel even more guilty, so you see our point).

On the other hand, if your goal is to be your own woman and give yourself the right to weigh moral priorities without having to please or appease, then suck it up and do what you think is right. Until he stops drinking, he’s dead weight to you, so drop away. If he picks himself up, then you can, too.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to feel like I’m causing pain to someone who has been good to me, but I’m tired of being manipulated by guilt and other people’s needs and I have a right to say “enough” when I’ve done my share and want to move on. I’ve learned how to stop drinking and I’m ready for the next level of sobriety, which is to tolerate the guilt of feeling responsible without giving into it.”

My mood is never great, but I’ve survived divorce (my wife decided she liked someone else) and been a responsible dad and I was looking forward to being a grandfather when my middle son, who’s never been too happy, told me our relationship sucked and he didn’t have much hope for it unless I went into therapy. He had some names of spiritual therapists and told me, if I was really serious about making our relationship better and becoming a good grandfather, I should see them. Of course, I’d do anything for our relationship, but this whole thing makes me feel depressed and paralyzed. What should I do if my goal is to hang on to my son?

Kids come first, but that doesn’t justify turning off your own judgment. Which is what you did the minute you heard the words “spiritual therapists” and didn’t giggle out loud.

You don’t have to read my advice (though it helps) to know that you’re not supposed to accept criticism uncritically; otherwise you’re handing out keys to your self-esteem to every overbearing and unhappy jackass you meet, whether or not they’re your spawn. You’re supposed to consider accusations carefully and decide for yourself whether there’s really something you could have and should have done better before deciding whether to apologize and take responsibility for doing better.

What may have hurt your son is something you don’t control, and that includes the personality that the good lord gave you. He may have grown up happier with another dad, but you may have been happier with another son, and we all might be happier with a prehensile tail. Too bad, life is hard, and the only question to ask yourself is whether you managed your faults as well as you could and took care of your son’s basic needs, including safety.

Let’s assume that, after considering his criticism, there’s something you want to improve. Then choose someone who you think can help you do the job; don’t accept your son’s recommendation because you want to please him or prove something, but because you think it’s a good idea.

Regardless of what you decide, there’s a lesson you can teach your son. It’s not just that you’re flexible or that, no matter what he thinks, you really love him; it’s that you have confidence in your love for him, regardless of what he thinks, and that you can have a positive relationship in spite of obvious and painful flaws that you would gladly remove if you could, but can’t. He can call it spiritual if he wants, but you’re calling it like it is.

STATEMENT:
“Nothing makes me feel more like a loser than having my kid tell me I was a bad dad, but I know I wasn’t that bad (I got better reviews from the other kids) and I’m not bad now. I’ll accept responsibility for mistakes I control; for the rest of it, I love him and think our lives will be better if we have a relationship, even if it requires us to bear some pain. The choice is his.”

I have been wrestling with depression for years now and my maternal side of the family has a history of depression and suicide. I don’t feel that I can do this on my own anymore and need help. I don’t want to just take a medical cocktail of antidepressants. My question to you is how do I go about finding a therapist and/or doctor that will be most helpful to me.

The first step for getting treatment for your depression seems simple– don’t get depressed about treatment for depression. After all, depression’s just another form of pain unless it twists your thoughts into thinking that not getting rid of it is a kind of failure that marks a meaningless life.

As long as you realize depression is a persistent ailment, just like persistent back pain or diabetes, you’ll have an easy time making treatment decisions because you won’t regard using treatment as evidence of weakness.

The fact that your family has had depression and suicides doesn’t indicate weakness or failure on the part of anything but your genes. Suicide is terrible, but it often happens to good people who’ve lived meaningful lives and been good friends in spite of lots of depression, which doesn’t make them failures—it makes them heroes.

If depression causes you a lot of pain or makes a noticeable difference at home or work, the very least you should do is get help in fighting the negative thinking. While using therapy to find the cause of your depression and get rid of it is usually useless when the depression is long-lasting and familial, using many therapies to protect yourself from feelings of weakness and failure is often a necessity.

A therapist is like a thesis adviser for an academic; you have a topic you want to explore, and you’re looking for someone who both understands that topic and supports your approach. If you start treatment with someone and it doesn’t gel, chalk it up to bad chemistry, not your own failures, and continue your search.

Whether a therapy helps you to keep a positive perspective is easy for you to evaluate; you can tell whether a particular therapist is a good coach or has good ideas, or when you’ve got little more to learn from someone and need a fresh point of view.

Yes, a sustaining therapeutic relationship helps, but not if you come to feel it’s necessary for fighting negative beliefs. Sometime that special therapist won’t be there, or your insurance will change and you won’t be able to afford to see him/her, and then you won’t have the tools to manage your depression on your own. Your goal in talking to a nice, warm therapist is to pick up positive ideas, practice using them, and report back on how you’ve done. Don’t cling to the warmth or the need for their approval.

Make sure you try behavioral treatments, including exercise, which at the very least can distract you from depressed thinking (but don’t punish yourself if your depression makes you too tired or listless to exercise regularly). If, as often happens, the non-medical treatments can only help so much, it’s time to consider medical options. Usually, medical options have a higher risk, but they should be considered if and only if you think the alternative is worse.

If you use a sound risk management methodology to make your decision, respect yourself. Never call antidepressant treatment a “medical cocktail” unless you would say the same about chemotherapy for cancer or pills for high blood pressure.

In addition to having a greater (although not terribly high) risk, antidepressants are a pain because they take weeks to work and often (30% of the time) don’t. So after becoming a risk-manager in order to make the decision to use or not use them, embrace your inner scientist and prepare to conduct an experiment—on yourself. It’s hard, risky work, but if you feel it’s necessary, it’s worth taking on.

In the end, do everything you think is reasonable and required. Use the low risk treatments first, the higher risk treatments when needed, and be prepared for mixed results at a slow pace (that in no way reflect on you or your effort). Needing help or medication doesn’t make you weak; it makes you sick, but strong enough to do something about it.

STATEMENT:
“If I found a medication that relieved my depressive pain, it would be hard not to feel that I’ve taken an illegitimate shortcut. I know from experience, however, that there’s nothing illegitimate about treatment that reduces depressive pain as long as it doesn’t create risks that are worse than the pain itself and that the only illegitimate way to treat depression is to regard it as a weakness.”

I’d like your advice in helping my sister, who is starting to act crazy again, but she won’t accept anyone’s help. She was in the hospital several years ago for hearing voices telling her she was a friend of the Virgin Mary. Now she’s starting to talk fast again and calling the company that I think she was fired from, saying she believes they’ve sent her on a special project and she needs to report back. She sometimes sounds ludicrous, and I can’t help laughing, but I’m afraid where this will end. How can I get her help?

It’s tough to respect an illness that makes people act silly and ridiculous, and tougher still to believe you can’t get through to someone who seems, in many ways, to be in control of herself and able to care about you in the way she usually does. If only mental illness came with a rash or flu that made it easier to recognize and accept.

You’re right, however. Your sister’s illness is serious, it could get her into big trouble, and, in spite of her apparent lucidity, it can be very, very hard to help her. Especially if she’s too sick to know she needs help in the first place.

As hard as it is to be depressed (see above) and to respect yourself when you have depressive symptoms, depressed people usually know they’re sick and are ready to accept help, even if it feels humiliating. With mania, however, people often can’t see themselves as being ill. If respect were measured in nothing but feelings, you could say they respect themselves too much.

If you push your sister too hard, you may provoke a fight, which does no one any good. Manic people are often irritable and ready to fight or flee (often on motorcycles, cars and airplanes, and in the middle of night, and often while underdressed). Don’t let your concern for her become an impassioned plea that triggers her great (naked) escape.

Persuade her, if you can, with calm reason, emphasizing the positive. You think she’ll feel better and calmer if she sees a doctor, and you’ll be happy to drive her to an emergency room and wait with her while she gets an evaluation. Don’t argue about what’s wrong with her, just express confidence in your belief that there’s good help available and that you can lead her there, if she’ll let you.

If persuasion fails, be aware that your ability to intervene depends entirely on her demonstrating dangerous behavior. The moment she says or does something that shows, in an obvious way, that she could hurt herself, put herself into danger, or hurt someone else, you have acquired the critical information that allows police to take her to an emergency room and emergency room clinicians to commit her. At that point, the hope is she becomes lucid enough to want treatment herself.

Until that day comes, it takes great patience and restraint to live with a manic person. Respect yourself for your kindness and tolerance, be patient, and remember, no matter how unreasonable or naked she becomes, you’re doing the right thing.

STATEMENT:
“It’s agonizing to watch my sister act crazy and feel like I’m doing nothing, but I’m really doing a great deal by waiting, caring for her, trying to steer her towards help, preparing to intervene if she gets worse, and tolerating the helplessness.”

I’ve always been close to my younger brother but I kept quiet about my objections to the woman he married, although she sure came with baggage—a mean ex-husband and 2 unhappy kids. Recently, however, it turned out that the mean ex-husband wasn’t entirely wrong, and she is indeed self-centered, bossy, and nasty and shows very little respect to my brother or, in one memorable episode, our parents. When she cussed out my mother, I’d had enough, and let him know I thought she’d gone too far. Since then, as you might guess, my brother has not been eager to talk to me and certainly doesn’t want to talk about his marriage, even though my main feelings for him are positive and protective. I would do anything to get him to seek help, since he won’t talk to anyone in the family, but I don’t know how to get through to him. So how can I get him to talk to someone?

There’s a common notion that shrinks are good at getting through to loved ones who won’t listen to anyone else; that a psychiatrist can double as a spiritual Sherpa, able to guide the stubborn up Mount Issues to the Summit of Personal Insight.

What people forget is that shrinks aren’t Sherpas, we’re strangers—we lack facts and a vivid, first-hand impression about whatever the rotten thing is that they should be advised against—and there’s no reason to believe a stranger can succeed where a sibling can’t.

All we know about our patients is what they tell us (supplemented, maybe, by second-hand accounts from their relatives, whom we know even less about), and if they don’t see a problem, even if you do, they wouldn’t tell us about it in the first place.

The other problem with counting on a professional third party to talk sense into someone is that confrontation often drives defensive patients away. Unlike you, however, we won’t be seeing one another at family events for the rest of our lives.

So shrinks don’t mind acting as messengers—everyone has to make a living, and we aren’t being asked to lift heavy furniture or sing—but it doesn’t work, and it isn’t free.

On the other hand, you might do better at getting your own message across if you could keep your negative feelings under control and adopt a professional stance. After all, professionalism isn’t about not having feelings for your clients/patients, it’s about keeping those feelings out of the conversation while helping someone think through their best interests.

As much as you want and feel entitled to share your negative feelings of disgust and outrage with your brother, put them aside for the greater goal. Instead, talk to him about your wish that his marriage work out well for him and ask him whether the partnership has developed the good, positive things he hoped for, more than enough to outweigh the “baggage” of his wife’s other obligations.

If he bristles at the mere mention of baggage, take a step back and focus on his needs again. If he sticks with you, proceed with caution and watch your word choice carefully. After all, semantics are everything during a tense negotiation, so, when talking professionally about his asshole wife’s bad behavior, do NOT call it bad behavior. Talk about it as “conflict” or “difficult feelings” or “control problems.”

Again, take your lead from him, alluding to her problem if and only if he sees her as having a problem, and describing her as a good person who has less control than one would wish. Make it clear you only want good things for both of them, even if what you really want to do is tear both of them brand new assholes.

If he worships her absolutely, then the conversation will be short. Chances are, however, that your brother holds his wife partly accountable and wishes to talk about her problems, but can’t until he’s assured you won’t condemn her.

Stay focused then on the state of his union and whether or not he can help her to change. Assuming he hopes that she can and you know better, urge him to consider what he’ll do if she can’t. He has to Sherpa is own damn self, but your job is gently getting him to realize that there’s a hike in the first place.

STATEMENT:
“I hate to see the way my brother and our family are disrespected by his wife, but I have the experience and skills to stay positive while I urge him to think about what he can do, if anything, to make the situation better for everyone (including his wife) and whether or not this partnership is likely to go where he wants it.”

I like to do things for people, but sometimes I spread myself too thin, and my friends sometimes accuse me of not delivering on my promises, and sometimes they’re right, which just makes me feel superficial and disloyal. When I try harder, however, I then find myself promising even more and delivering less, so I just can’t seem to prove myself. I wonder what’s wrong with me that I keep doing this to myself.

Focusing too much on your promises, particularly when you like to give, will usually draw you into a cycle of over-commitment, broken trust, guilt, and, of course, a renewed need to make more promises. The need for redemption (like message-delivery, see above) is a major source of my business.

People who like to do good often assume that the opposite is doing bad, or not doing good enough, or failing to keep your promises, when, in reality, it’s not that big a deal, particularly when you consider the many things you don’t control that don’t reflect on your character whatsoever.

You might think you gain control of your goodness by making promises—keep them, and you’re a good person, entitled to self-esteem—but the opposite is true, because of that little problem, mentioned above, of your having imperfect control and being obliged to do lots of other things, and not enough time to do them. The more control you want, the less you get.

What counts most is keeping commitments with people who depend on you the most—who make the most commitment to you—and doing what you can with what you control while taking into account other commitments to your own survival and betterment. In other words, while it’s not an easy thing to do, it’s important keep your priorities straight.

So, instead of letting guilt or a need for redemption push you to over-commit, learn to improve your self-management. Take commitments under advisement, consider your resources and other promises before opening your mouth, and respect your good intentions without submitting to them automatically.

When it comes to performance ratings, use the same system you would use for anyone else: whether you’ve been doing a good enough job at being a self-supporting person and friend and relative, given what you’ve had to put up with and the resources at your disposal.

If you rate yourself after careful thought, rather than relying on the flushed aftermath of having done a good deed, you’ll give yourself better management and steer clear of many troubles. You won’t be driven crazy by the need to be good if you learn to be satisfied with doing your best.

STATEMENT:
“I always feel better about myself when I can do good for others and I hate not keeping my promises, but I know it’s not the worst thing in the world to over-commit and I’ve developed my own standards for deciding whether I’m working hard enough at being a good friend and making the world a better place.”

My friends tell me I’m too good to my ex-wife because I always take care of her when she’s in town by giving her a place to stay, feeding her, and tending to her medical needs. Even our kids say she uses everyone, promises everything, and gives back nothing, and, after many years of marriage and an equal number divorced, I know they’re right. I argue back that it’s not smart for me to antagonize her after she’s promised me half the estate she inherited from her dad, but they tell me that she never keeps her promises and she always figures out a way to blow her money on impressing new acquaintances and going on shopping sprees. My goal is to find ways to protect myself and maybe satisfy my friends’ concerns without fighting with my ex- and maybe losing her bequest.

God bless the giving people of the earth—kindergarten teachers, foster parents, 02% of psychiatrists—but I’ve said many times that, no matter how saintly their exterior, the givers’ biggest recipient of generosity is often their immediate feelings.

Let’s face it, giving feels good (partly because it offers peace of mind to the persistently guilty), and that means it’s bad, at least under some circumstances. Giving too much, like any source of good feelings, is dangerous to you and detrimental to the object of your charity.

When you experience the joy of giving, you may be ignoring other personal responsibilities. You may also be enslaving yourself to someone who senses your secret addiction and threatens you with guilt if you don’t do what s/he wants.

Admit it, you’re not taking care of your ex- for her inheritance—you’d probably kill yourself helping her without a cash reward—but now that it’s in the picture, it should be a strong motivator to help less, not more. After all, the big risk here is that you’ll feel bitter if/when she dies and leaves you nothing, either because there’s nothing left or she gave it to her new best friend. Now your bullshit excuse is bullshit in more ways than one.

Meanwhile, your current relationship with her makes her too important, interfering with your ability to find better friendships. Giving can make a compulsive giver very passive, like a waiter (or worse, a manservant).

The opposite of giving isn’t overindulging yourself or aggravating your ex; it’s giving sensibly while considering all your responsibilities. There’s nothing wrong with being kind to your ex, but there’s no need to give unless you think it’s necessary and can afford it, meaning that you’re mindful of your own needs as well.

Ask yourself whether there’s a big trade imbalance between your exports and imports with her. If, when she comes to visit, you think the relationship is unbalanced (meaning she doesn’t put in the time and attention you would expect from a friend), then it’s not good for you.

If your relationship is one-sided, offer a plan for balancing it. Tell her you believe your relationship will work better, in the long run, if you readjust what you and she contribute. She could do this by creating a trust fund to protect your bequest, or making some regular or hourly gift for your services. You’re not critical of her character or past actions, just trying to protect a valued relationship from being spoiled by a destructive imbalance.

If she tells you that she’s entitled to your services and that you’re the one who is ungrateful and un-giving, don’t argue. Simply express your belief in what you think is best for the two of you and insist on your right to agree to disagree.

Don’t throw your friends and other family under the bus to give everything to the one person who doesn’t deserve it. Generosity may give you a buzz, but the cost doesn’t justify any of the rewards, real or fabricated.

STATEMENT:
“I believe it will do nothing but good to equalize the give and take of my relationship with my ex-wife and that it does no good to let fear, guilt or worry about her feelings control what I do. If she refuses to accept what I believe is a reasonable proposal and blames me for destroying our relationship, I will bear the pain of her criticism knowing that we’re both better off putting the manservant into retirement.”

My brother drives me crazy in many ways, but nothing is more infuriating than when he decides to attempt to be generous. He remembers my birthdays and urges me to tell him what I’d like him to get me, but then he doesn’t get around to buying it until my birthday is long past, if at all. The problem is that he has money, I don’t, and if I ask him for something, it’s probably because I can’t afford it myself. Then again, if I really, really need it, I have to get it for myself somehow, which then offends him (and pisses me off). He tells me I’m overly sensitive and paranoid about delays he can’t really help. If I offer him reminders, he acts like I’m nagging him and moves even slower. He’s always been competitive—is he rubbing in his success or just totally oblivious? Should I just stop expecting things from him altogether and get some space?

Poverty and neediness have a way of inspiring resentment and injury. If someone denies you when you’re poor (particularly when you’re not used to being poor), it feels like a personal insult that you should have avoided and should never tolerate again. So it’s entirely possible to feel shafted and shat upon by someone who basically has more good to offer than bad and doesn’t mean to hurt you.

If your feelings take over, you may drive away your pain-in-the-ass brother (assuming he’s not a total jerk), leaving you poorer and madder. It’s like a poverty riot that burns down your own neighborhood.

So put aside your poor-guy feelings and do a business-like evaluation of what your brother has to offer, taking care to value the ways you can count on him (if any) and the things you enjoy about his company. Feeling insulted is not as important as what you think about his ability to be a good friend (sometimes) and to add meaning to your life, simply by being your brother.

While you’re at it, examine whether he does his bait-and-delay to other people. Poverty makes neglect feel personal, but he may be treating you the same way he treats everyone.

If he’s a jerk who usually takes more than he gives (see case above), then you’re right to pull away. It’s sad, but the best you can do.

If, however, he’s not all that bad, then learn to suck up the pain of being a downwardly mobile member of a lower economic class and make the best of your relationship. Not to please him or your family, but for yourself.

STATEMENT:
“I can’t help being poor and having a brother who’s late on delivering stuff I really need, but I won’t let a little pride and/or fury get in the way of a relationship that I value.”

I can’t understand why my colleague has become such a sloppy teacher. She’s smart and well-trained and relates well to people, but it’s become common knowledge in our department that the kids don’t like her and complain that her classes are disorganized and have very little content. Maybe she’s decided that her part-time sales job is more important than teaching because it makes her more money. My goal, if she’s really decided that teaching isn’t important, is to avoid discussing the subject with her and talk about other things when we hang out. Does this make sense?

People always interpret one another’s inexplicable actions as if they’re the result of choice, rather than, well, inexplicable. The reason they call them stupid decisions is because intelligent forethought was never part of the equation.

It’s upsetting to see your friend and colleague do a bad job, so you assume she’s doing it because she chose to commit her time elsewhere, where the money is. Sadly, you’re probably inflating her grade.

Plus, with that assumption, there’s no way to talk to her about her work without sounding moralistic and critical, having a very unpleasant conversation, and putting your relationship at risk.

Ask yourself instead whether there are possible reasons for her actions that do not arise from choice. In spite of being bright and well-trained, she may be tuned out about the negative impact she’s having on her students and the cost to her reputation or too obsessed with other things and unable to prioritize. She may be depressed, which would make her indifferent to almost anything.

The moment you allow yourself to consider these out-of-control possibilities, you create an opportunity for a constructive, non-critical, potentially helpful conversation. Ask her whether she’s satisfied with the feedback she’s been getting about her teaching, thinks it’s accurate, and has ideas about what she wants to do with her career.

If she’s oblivious, tell her you think her reputation is damaged and see if she wants your help in repairing it. If she cares, whether she recognizes what’s happening or not, you’re on the same side.

If she doesn’t care, don’t judge her choice. Instead, judge her judgment by asking her about the risks and benefits of putting her other work ahead of her teaching. You’re hoping that her choices are just that, rational expressions of what she sees as the pros and cons, and not the result of impulsive emotion. As long as you’re commenting on the process and not criticizing her failure as a teacher, you’re on her side.

That said, don’t think of her as a failed teacher. Think of her as a respected and gifted friend whose failing performance may or may not be something you or she can do something about, and you want to be sure you’ve done all you can to help. Help change her stupid decision to a smart one, and she just might squeak out a passing grade.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to see a competent friend fail without asking her why and implying she should be doing better. I will try to figure out what’s getting in her way without assuming that she can necessarily do better or that she’s making bad choices. Once I’ve done what I can, even if it does nothing to help, I’ve been a good friend.”

I don’t know why my son never seems to listen to me. He’s bright, and a great guy, but he’s very unfocused, undisciplined, and, like it or not, lazy. He has lots of interests and energy, but never seems to finish what he’s started. He takes jobs that are creative, exciting and have no future (the same could be said about his girlfriends). Every time I give him advice, time proves me right, but he never listens. My goal is to understand why he’s so stubborn and/or dumb.

Again, as in the case above, it’s easier to assume that your son is a smart guy who makes bad choices rather than consider the possibility that he’s stuck with a problem, stupiditis, that neither he nor you can control.

The trouble is, as long as you think he could choose to make his problems go away, you’re implying he’s a lazy loser and that you’re bad at getting through to him.

It’s more likely, I’m afraid, that he’s not a loser or stupid, really—his decisions are—because he doesn’t have the choices you both wish he had. If only his disorder at least awarded him better parking, but no.

A leading possibility is that he’s too ADD, creative, and/or impulsive to stick with plans that will pay off in the long run. Some people are born that way, usually because they got those genes from their mother or father. (Yes, it’s true, parents are always to blame).

The moment you accept him, however, you can help him accept himself and take into account both the disruptive and creative side of his temperament. Maybe he’ll never stick with a good job, but he’s obviously willing to work and support himself, and he’s become good at jumping from one ship to another. If he can’t be a career-builder, appreciate his skill as a ship-jumper.

Maybe he’ll never find a girl who would be a good life partner, but he’s also not starting families he can’t support. Respect his ability to make the most of his relationships without creating a major mess.

No, you’re not letting him off the hook, because the hook is life and how hard it is to survive and get what he wants. Accepting his problems means acknowledging that life will be harder for him, take extra effort, and sometimes require painful compromise. Once you’re past the sadness, you’ll be able to cheer him on, and your advice will finally stick.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to watch my son fail without assuming he could do better if he’d only listen to me. The fact is, however, that I’ve done a good job communicating and it’s probable that he can’t help himself. If that’s the case, I’ve done a good job, he hasn’t done a bad job, and it’s time to think positively about the good things he’s done with his limitations.”

A year and a half ago, my ex-fiancé died suddenly from a heart attack. He was 38. We had broken up a year earlier, and it was a very messy break-up. He called my boss at work and told her I was trying to have her fired so I could steal her job, I walked away from most of my personal belongings when I moved out, and I walked away from my savings because we had a joint bank account. I went to the funeral and found out that while we were planning our wedding he was pursuing on-line long-distance relationships as well as inappropriate relationships with women in our city. A letter from one of the long-distance women was read out at the funeral. I can’t move past this. I have been dating a man for about 3 months now and he’s wonderful. I have a really hard time thinking positively, and every time we have an argument I think ‘worst case scenario’—that he will leave me. How can I think more positively?

First, begin with the idea that love is dangerous and some people are more vulnerable than others. We’ve called love a virus before, and sadly, your emotional immune system is impaired.

People love to say it’s important to “follow your heart,” but for people like you, that can be deadly; after all, those same people might say that “love is blind,” and when you’re helpless to love, following your blinded heart can lead you right off a cliff.

Maybe a vulnerability to love is a genetic trait that helps people stick together, like the way geese imprint on one another, and it’s a good survival trait under certain circumstances and in moderate doses. Without guidance from your common sense, however, love can overwhelm your ability to think positively, negatively, or at all.

To recover from a love that binds you so powerfully to someone who is nasty, unreliable, and destructive takes lots of time and it hurts. You’re already doing something helpful by dating someone who seems nice, so take it one step further by defining what you mean by nice and checking out whether he fits.

From now on, your definition should never depend on how strongly you love or feel close to someone, because you get love-sick so easily and so quickly that your instincts are shot.

So stop looking to your useless heart for directions and follow the facts. What you want to see is a good track record for reliability in relationships, work, and money management. Then you want to see good evidence that he accepts you when you’re down, prickly, and not terribly responsive. Finally, maybe, you can let yourself start to connect.

Keep working at it until you get it right, and don’t be afraid to ask your friends whether they agree with your findings. The more you practice, the better you’ll get, and the less reactive you’ll be to whether he makes you feel good or your fears make you feel bad.

Along the way, your pain may make you feel needy. Fortunately, however, it sounds like you’ve acquired a healthy sense of self-doubt and wariness and that’s the kind of negative thinking that, in moderation, can be healthy.

Being susceptible to love doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you; just that the world contains bad people, that some are too easy to love, and you’re learning how to protect yourself.

If your heart’s judgment is going to fail you, then train your mind to pick up the slack. It’s not about becoming more positive; it’s about getting real.

STATEMENT:
“It’s hard to get over feelings of being broken, uncertain, and doomed after loving a psychopathic man, but I learned a lot, and my pain is there to warn me of danger. I will use my fear to think more logically about danger signs and how to spot them. I will remind myself that there are far worse things than being alone. I will become better at identifying people I can really trust.”

My sister keeps going out with the same kind of guy—attractive and sleazy—and, as you might expect, she gets her heart broken regularly. She’s a good kid and I try to tell her she needs to look for love in better places, but she insists that she sees good in these guys and knows what she’s doing. If I push too hard, she tells me I’m jealous of her happiness and unwilling to take the necessary risks to find a love of my own. I’ve learned to shut up, but my goal is to see her happy.

Sometimes love is 100% blinding, just like anger, sex, fear, etc., and getting in its way is useless. In your sister’s case, it isn’t love for a particular person, as in the case above; it’s love in general.

She wants to follow her heart and believes it’s a good thing, regardless of her bad experiences, which she probably rationalizes as something she did wrong. It’s hard to watch, but impossible to stop.

So don’t suffer and watch. Instead, wait until she recognizes that one of these guys is a jerk or that she’s lost something she values by spending time with them.

At that point, you can tell her you told her so, but not in terms of what she did wrong. As satisfying as that might be, sharing your frustration will make her feel bad and push her where you don’t want her to go: self-recrimination and the fantasy that things would go well if she did things right.

Instead, tell her that, as far as you can see, she’s been a great friend and partner to her boyfriends, but that you warned her that that particular jerky boyfriend was unworthy of her love. It’s not her you’re critical of, or her search for love, but the great number of attractive guys out there who can’t be good friends and partners.

Help her separate the idea of her performance from the pain of her loss. She’s not hurting because she fucked up, but because life is hard, her luck sucks (and so does her taste in men, but keep that to yourself).

Then, maybe, if she’s less defensive, she’ll buy into your procedures for screening out sleaze-buckets. Or maybe not, and you’ll just have to accept the fact that some people are fatally blind when it comes to love and the jerks that pretend to offer it.

STATEMENT:
“It’s no fun watching my sister fall for bad guys time and again, but good people sometimes have blind spots about love and blind spots about their blind spots, and I don’t know she’ll ever do better. If there’s a chance, I’ll help her. If not, I’ll try to have dinner with her when her guy isn’t around.”