Posted by fxckfeelings on June 10, 2010
Being a big dreamer is a mixed bag; sure, some people aim high and soar high, but many of us are too distracted to ever take off, or attempt to take off just to crash-land. The sad fact is, not all of us are meant to take flight, but there’s no shame in making the best of what you’ve got here on the ground.
-Dr. Lastname
On the plus side, I’m a pretty ambitious person; I have lots of dreams for different careers, adventures, academic pursuits, you name it. The problem is that I have problem with following through. Sure, it’s not easy to chase your dreams when you have a young kid (whom you’re raising alone), but I was like this before I had a baby, and now that I do have a child, I feel more compelled than ever to do something with my life and be a good example. I want to follow through with getting my masters in anything and making a good living, showing my kid that you can do anything you want. My goal is to finally follow through.
No matter how much you wish you could follow through more, you gotta ask yourself whether you’re a follow-through kind of person or not.
Some people just aren’t, so a congratulations/you’re screwed might be in order.
Maybe you believe the popular myth that everyone can be a follow-through person by just concentrating harder on following through, making an inspiration board and buying a dream-catcher something. Don’t. Not very inspiring, but the truth’s the truth.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on May 20, 2010
Writing looks easy; after all all you need is pen, paper, and maybe a table at Starbucks. Then there’s inspiration and an interesting topic. Plus a fully functioning brain, a supportive audience, and, of course, shitloads of luck. Oh, and a trust fund. It’s no wonder then that writing and depression dance a delicate pas de deux with one another, and that torturing yourself for not “succeeding” as a creative mind is a pretty useless, uncreative punishment.
-Dr. Lastname
I’m an older woman with two advanced degrees in creative writing (one from Iowa, la di da). My career, on the other hand, hasn’t risen beyond doing commercial writing, be it technical or ad copy. I get published in small journals here and there, but after my first novel got a handful of rejections, my agent dropped me, and I haven’t been able to finish another novel in order to get a new agent and sell the first. My limited number of published pieces has also made it hard to get a teaching job, even though I got degree number 2 specifically to enter academia. So now I’m stuck working in advertising, and while it’s a good steady job that pays well, it still kills me a bit inside. Nevermind that I’ve absolutely struggled with depression my whole life, and while I take a handful of medications to control it, it’s just an added level of difficulty. Nonetheless, with my illness under control but my dream still very much out of control, my goal is to make this job work so I can settle and maybe even be happy.
You could say writing is a stupid career choice, given the unlikelihood of making money, and that academia isn’t much better, given the current job market. It’s as stupid as counting on a career in the NBA because you’re good at basketball.
The truth is, a large part of being a writer isn’t a matter of choice; it’s who you are, and trying to find a life that fits. It’s not so much a bad choice as a bum calling, with inspiration necessary but never promising to come when called.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on January 7, 2010
Being a single parent comes with an infinite number of challenges, but a main source of complication is reconciling the dual identities: “single” and “parent.” Possible new partners shouldn’t see you as just an individual, but as could-be future family. At the same time, when looking for new partners, you should be able to see beyond your parenting responsibilities, lest you lose the ability to manage a search of any kind. For a lot of single parents, even more miraculous than children is the ability to find a way to make a relationship last.
-Dr. Lastname
I’ve always been a restless guy, so I got a job working for a consulting firm that sends me to jobs all over the country, for months at a time, though I often get home to see my folks. During my last visit over the holidays, I ran into an old girlfriend from high school, and it was like something out of a movie; we clicked instantly and have been acting like lovesick teenagers ever since, like nothing had ever changed, and I think this really might go somewhere. Of course, two big things have changed since high school, namely that I’ve left town and that she now has a kid that she loves to death (and she’s on good terms with the dad, who lives nearby and shares joint custody). I’ve made plans to spend a weekend with her later this month, and I want to keep our good thing going, but my sister tells me I’m an idiot because, unless I’m willing to move back to my hometown and act like a dad, I’m wasting my ex’s time and setting myself up for a big hurt. I don’t want to do either of those things, but I really love this woman and know she loves me, and her kid already has a dad he sees all the time, so if I stick around for the long term, would it really matter if I’m not physically around that much? My goal is to be with the woman I love, even if I’m not always there.
Despite what every pop song has ever said, love is not all there is; it’s just the initial glue (along with sex) that binds us together, regardless of whether we can possibly live together or meet one another’s long term needs.
So don’t listen to Celine Dion, because your goal isn’t to find true love, but to find a love that won’t lead to heartbreak, ruined finances, and a messed up kid (and I’m not talking about you).
Now, it’s possible that your girlfriend doesn’t want or need a full-time partner, and that a steady guy-on-the-side is perfect. like Oprah’s Stedman or Dolly Parton’s hubby. Your job is to figure out whether that’s the case now, and how long it’s likely to last, because there aren’t many Oprahs and Dollys in this world, and Oprah and Dolly don’t have kids.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 19, 2009
The old saying is, “opinions are like assholes– everybody’s got one.” The sentiment here at fxckfeelings.com is more along the lines of, “assholes make up a lot of the population,” so you need to deal with other people’s unsolicited input without letting it grind you down. Many opinions are ignorable and interchangable, like many of the assholes in the universe. Other opinions, however, are worth considering, because not everyone is an asshole, and you might have something you need to learn.
-Dr. Lastname
I’ve always gotten some attitude at work because I’m a woman (some people seem to act like that’s the only reason I’ve gotten as far as I have), but recently, due to the economy, I’ve been dealing with a lot more disrespect. Frankly, the opposite should be true, and I should be getting loads of appreciation for doing twice the work I used to after so many lay-offs. Instead, people think that it’s not fair that I get to keep my job, and while the sexist stuff was annoying, this recent turn of events has made things almost unbearable. I’m sick of not being appreciated for my talent and hard work and instead having to deal with everyone’s bullshit and bitterness instead. My goal is to get treated appropriately for a job well done, simple as that.
While appreciation certainly makes the job easier—it makes most things in life easier—it doesn’t cut it as a goal, if only because need for appreciation makes you easy prey to anyone who gives you lots of appreciation, twice as much work, and no more pay. I can’t abide your goal to be a sucker.
Appreciation also makes you reactive to other people’s feelings, instead of to your own reasons for being there, so don’t quit a job because everyone at work is critical, and don’t stay because they tell you you’re marvelous.
Remember what you’re working for: money, not love. Unless you’re a bad prostitute.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on October 15, 2009
Accepting that we are all fucked by life is a basic tenet of the f*ckfeelings.com philosophy; there’s a certain zen to it, as we encourage not just being one with the universe and its glory but also with its amber waves of pain. For people who suffer from depression, pain makes an obvious attempt to define your life goal as “I’ve got to stop this.” But killing pain, as desirable as it is, will always compound your troubles if you make it your goal. Your goal is your goal and pain is pain and never the twain should meet.
-Dr. Lastname
I have been struggling with depression for most of my adult life, and I do mean struggling. No matter how many times I find myself going through months at a time of feeling hopeless, angry, and miserable, I know it’s a treatable illness—a chemical imbalance— nd that there must be a way to control it. Over the past twenty years, I’ve been through a handful of shrinks and at least a dozen medications, because no matter how bad it gets, I’ve refused to give up looking for the treatment that will allow me to fulfill the promise of my otherwise lucky life. The problem is that, twenty years into this battle, and I’m still not winning. Treatment works for a while, and just when it seems like things are finally working out for me and I’m in the clear, everything falls apart again. My goal is to figure out how—with what treatment, medication, game plan—to get control of this disease and live a normal life, because I’m stronger than this, and I refuse to let depression get the last laugh.
Hold up—did I miss the morning’s headlines that declared depression a curable illness? Up until yesterday, it wasn’t, and when you think about it, the list of truly curable diseases is an adorably short one. Really, unless you’ve got athlete’s foot, you’re probably shit out of luck.
That said, it doesn’t mean you should shoot yourself unless you’re similarly upset by the incurability of hypertension, diabetes, osteoporosis, high cholesterol, and all the other illnesses that most of us get, sooner or later. Even athlete’s foot isn’t worth it.
The issue here is that if you think that beating an illness means getting rid of it, you’ve lost before you’ve begun to fight. And if that illness is depression, then losing means getting more depressed, which means becoming a bigger loser, ad infinitum.
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Posted by fxckfeelings on August 10, 2009
Some people find themselves suddenly, inexplicably cursed by a life of hardship and pain, while others cruise through a blessed existence of acclaim and luck. Truth is, of course, that the person in pain isn’t doomed to constant misery, and lucks brings its own peculiar, unavoidable hardship; thankfully, everyone of us, in one way or another, is fucked. It’s where we go from there that makes the difference.
-Dr. Lastname
Just a few years ago, in my early 20s, I was a fun, outgoing law student at a top tier school, on the cusp of beginning a promising career in a competitive field that I loved. But then, out of no where, my health fell apart. Without getting into it, I was diagnosed with a rare, chronic disease that causes me so much pain and fatigue that even the simplest tasks have become arduous. I had to drop out of school, move back home, and learn to deal, not just with the physical pain of everyday life, but with feelings of failure and being a complete loser. All my old friends are moving upwards and onwards, like I was once set to do, and all I can do is take it slow and try to cope with this new, brutal reality. Plus, because my disease is rare and not physically obvious (I look healthy), several friends and even family members have decided that I’m not sick, but that I just buckled under the competitive pressure of my law career or that I’m just lazy, and am using a fake disease as an excuse. They say things like, “my joints hurt, but I go to work everyday,” and I just want to curl up and die. Between my own disappointment and their cruel judgment, I’ve withdrawn from social interaction almost completely for a year now. My goal is to not completely isolate myself from the world and maybe even start to enjoy some social interaction again despite feeling self-conscious and experiencing such dismissive attitudes from others.
It’s good that you want to get out of your self-imposed solitary confinement—living like that’s unhealthy, even for people who are physically healthy to begin with—but attaching the enjoyment of social interaction onto your goal is not so hot, especially when you’re suffering from a disease that seems to make enjoying anything nearly impossible and gives prospective friends a case of the repulsive willies.
Problem is, despite your best efforts, enjoyment is out of your control, and if you make a big effort to extend yourself socially and run into crap, you’ll feel like a stupid failure and personally rejected, when, really, it’s your standards that are the problem. Yours and everyone else’s.
A better goal is to work at not taking your pain and isolation personally while working out rational standards for what it means to cope with them.
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