My son did well in his first year of college and now he’s thinking of going to law school. I told him he needs to talk to an adviser and maybe get a summer internship in a law office, but he told me I’m giving him a headache and that the whole point of college is to explore things, try things out, live in the moment, and learn how to be happy. I don’t want to be a wet blanket—and, of course, he’s not listening to me—but getting into a decent law school is highly competitive and it won’t happen unless he’s careful about his choices in the next 3 years. What do I tell him, without destroying his change to enjoy college?

I don’t like being a killjoy, either—well, that’s not true, but anyway—since when do you spend a vast portion of your limited family fortune so the kid will have a good time?

You want your son to be happy of course, but happiness, being the shitty goal that it is, is also a shitty top priority. He’ll be happier in the long run if he can support himself, since sweet memories of keggers gone by won’t pay the rent.

The more it costs, relative to your income, to send him to college, the more you’re aware it’s not for fun.

The value of college is boosting his ability to make a living, take responsibility for the well-being of others, survive the horrible things life is going to throw at him, and still be a good person.

Maybe kids would have more realistic expectations if college offered a course or two on the extra-curricular problems that are going to wind up teaching them the most, like dealing with roommates who hate them, or losing their ability to stay organized when there’s no one taking attendance, or not being able to control a deep attraction to someone or something that’s bad for them.

Those are learning experiences that are always painful (after beginning, almost always, with lots of fun), and that often have a lot more value than your average Comp Lit class.

I know, sounding like a grim, worried crank may help you adjust your expectations for his happiness, but it won’t help you get through to him; he’ll feel you’re trying to spook him into working harder when co-eds just wanna have fun.

Instead, do what you usually have to do when talking about the facts of life: assume your friendliest, most professional and optimistic demeanor when addressing the facts of life. In the nicest way possible, inform him that If he wants to live in the moment, he might have to pay for that choice with his future.

Of course, if he really wants to focus on fun now, you also have to discuss who’s paying his tuition.

STATEMENT:
“I’m glad you’ve found something that interests you and, if this were a fair world, you’d have a chance to explore other interests in college, have lots of fun, and then buckle down and get focused in law school, but things seldom work that way. If you’re interested in law, you’d better find out whether law school admissions are tight and, if they are, how to make yourself a viable candidate while still having the best time you can.”

My girlfriend is a loyal straight-shooter, but she’s a little clueless about how people feel—sometimes I think I’m the girl in this relationship when it comes to sensitivity—and recently she’s been acting like an idiot. There’s this guy who’s obviously infatuated with her, but he’s trying to hide his feelings because he has a girlfriend, she’s got me, and it’s not what anyone wants. When I told her what was going on, she laughed it off, took it as a compliment, and teased me for being jealous. Then, without thinking about it much, she continued to look for opportunities to work with him, which is something he welcomes, but it obviously gets him going, and I can see no good coming from it. She says she isn’t making him unhappy, so why should I try to create problems. How can I get him to see he’s stirring up trouble?

It’s tough to have the ability to foresee trouble that others don’t, because, when you warn them, you’ll get called Chicken Little for spoiling their happiness. Problem is, the sky falls on everyone’s head.

If you raise your voice to reflect the urgency of the situation, you’ll have your emotionality explained to you, which will make you more emotional. Alas, Cassandra didn’t have too many friends and those she had, she hated.

In order to be taken seriously, you need enough confidence in your point of view to avoid become defensive, and enough acceptance of the fact that someone may not accept your warnings so that you phrase them calmly and in a language that s/he actually speaks.

In this case, your girlfriend’s blindness to her male friend’s deeper feelings means she experiences your warning as criticism of her irresponsibility and an attempt to deprive her of the pleasure of his company.

So first, dispel any blame. Express appreciation for her friendliness and make it clear you don’t hold her responsible for managing someone else’s feelings, particularly when they’re subtle and hard to spot.

Then ask her to assess the indirect evidence of a problem she can’t see. I know, it’s like explaining color to the blind, but you can do it. Urge her to consider several methods for spotting over-attachment, such as a tendency for her not-crush to be too willing to drop everything when she invites him to work with her, or the reaction of her un-crush’s girlfriend when she’s talking to them both.

In other words, if she can’t see the signs, lead her to them, and ask her to consider the possible risks if you’re right: eventual trouble between her un-crush and herself and, possibly, between him and his girlfriend.

Emotions are easy to pooh-pooh, but facts aren’t. If your girlfriend can see those facts, she might abandon the rush her un-crush gives her in favor of the possible emotional fall-out.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that disowns blame-casting (“casting” is Yiddish for “stupfing”, in the interest of speaking your language) and urges nothing more than positive precautions. “I hope I’m not right about his feelings but, if I am, I certainly don’t see him acting inappropriately, which is why the problem is subtle. The most you should do, if you see anything that leads you to be concerned, is avoid over-stimulating him with too much friendliness while keeping things positive and non-personal, so as to give him time to deal with his vulnerability.”

I have a hot temper, Latin temper, whatever. I am tired of losing my shit and want more control. I have two children, a loving husband, a usually good job, a fine house and truthfully a full and rich life. So why do things like not getting out the door on time and literally spilled milk make me lose it? I should disclose that I grew up with insanity in my household, my father is a full blown paranoid schizophrenic, my mom a bit of a drinker, however that said I truly do try to parent better than I was parented. I wonder many times am I crazy and would like to have a better handle on my temper.

The kind of anger that ruins everything isn’t your problem. If it was, you wouldn’t still have the loving husband, good job, and lack of restraining orders.

It goes without saying then that you have pretty good control over your anger, but let’s say it, because it needs to be said. Your temper hurts and humiliates you and stirs your remorse, but it’s not ruining your life because you’re good at managing it.

It would be nice if you could get rid of your temper and become sweet, calm, and serene, but for most of us, our temper is part of the internal wiring. Sure, your parents/family history might contribute, and exploring “the real cause of your anger” might help; but often it doesn’t. Usually, the temper you’ve got is the temper you’ve got.

Lobotomy is the one treatment you can count on. (I’ve been wanting to re-tool as a surgeon for some time because procedures pay much better than talking treatments, with the death panels and whatnot, you know the drill.)

If, however, you’re too much of a sissy to accept the necessary frontal lobe alterations, your temper is something you’re stuck with, and you’d better get used to it, because nothing makes a bad temper worse than hating the one you’ve got.

Remember, there’s a stigma against anger. Oscar the Grouch is one of the uglier Muppets and the Hulk is hardly handsome.

On the other hand, if bad tempers were really terrible, then evolution wouldn’t have produced so many of them. They’re probably good for being a soldier or a litigator. God/Darwin/The Flying Spaghetti Monster/etc. always has his/her reasons for the strong inheritance of painful traits.

Now, if you’ve stopped fuming about being an ill-tempered mama, draw a line for yourself on what prevents someone with an evil temper from being a bad person. The first thing on the list of forbidden line-crossers is the obvious: no hitting. Following that is no causing friends and family a lot of pain, no useless bridge-burning or house-burning, and so on.

Your goal then isn’t to get a new temper at Target (they’re fresh out), but to keep that bad temper from turning nasty, no matter how much you feel that it would be a great relief.

Yes, if you don’t let it out, your anger will build up inside, but that’s the price you pay. Keep it there until you can yell in the bathroom, or hit a punching-bag, or practice the drums for hours at a time.

If you want help learning how to further manage your anger, read up on, you guessed it, anger management. It can help to talk to other, more accomplished anger-managers—some are quite nice, if you don’t step on their toes—and you can certainly use all the tools of self-acceptance and self-control that 12-step programs offer. It’s more expensive, but you can also check out the ideas and exercises offered by a cognitive behavioral therapist.

If your temper is really impossible and other methods don’t work, consider seeing a psychiatrist for a medication trial. For some reason, psychiatric medications can help, though they’re not a cure. They pose very little risk of serious side effects when you’re just trying them out for a month or two.

In your journey to accepting your rage, do yourself a favor and avoid books about healing your inner anger. They’re not just useless, but also incredibly annoying, and if you hurl such a book through a window, I’m not paying for the damages. The offer for the lobotomy, however, is still on the table.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to stop you from getting mad about getting mad. “I don’t like having a bad temper, but I must be pretty good at controlling it because my family hasn’t (yet) run away, locked me up, or restraining-ordered me out. So I’ll respect myself for doing what I’ve always tried to do: shut up, pull my punches, and keep my temper under control.

I seem to instinctively know which battles to pick with my kids, however I clearly have “battle planning deficit disorder” when it comes to my wife. Neither of us likes confrontation of ANY sort, so we “appear” to ignore things that bug each other…but not really. Instead, we try to ignore the giant gorilla in the room and this negative undercurrent hangs around until some outside force like kid drama, aging parent issue, health..SOMETHING happens to distract us from whatever it was we were both “ignoring.” If, on the rare occasion I do confront her on some issue, she gets so DEFENSIVE, the conversation comes to an immediate halt. If she confronts me on something, we tend to go round and round. We’ve been married 20 years, so obviously this has become a well choreographed routine, but one that I’m still not comfortable with. How do you know what’s “confrontable material”, and what’s just “white noise” in a relationship that should be ignored?

I’m assuming from the fact that you’re doing well with the kids and not talking about divorce that your marriage is worth it. I often hear from patients who wish they could argue less with their spouse, so someone wanting to figure out how to argue more, or at least argue better, is an interesting change of pace.

First, figure out your criteria for deciding which battles are worth—I won’t say fighting, because the two of you aren’t compatible fighters—so let’s say, addressing.

Let not irritation be your guide, because you don’t want anger to determine your choice. Choose the issues that matter in the long run because they involve your values, safety, health, financial security, the kids’ development, or anything to do with lawyers.

With any battle, you’ve got to ask yourself what you hope to accomplish and whether there’s any way to win. No matter how much you want it, or how much it might lead to an increase in the total amount of fairness in the universe, you’re not going to change your wife, so there’s no point in trying. So ask yourself, given that fact, whether there’s any way you can make things better.

If, as is often the case, her agreement or understanding is unlikely, don’t talk to her before you decide whether there’s something you feels needs doing, and are prepared to do on your own, whether she agrees or not.

Knowing that you’re thinking for yourself will help you feel less angry and wimpy, even if, as most often happens, you decide there’s no reason to take a stand.

Talk to her if you think you’ll have to act independently because of disagreement. Don’t feel obliged to be eloquent or good at explaining your actions, because the important thing is not what she thinks, or whether she agrees, but that she sees that you believe in what you’re doing and that you’re not doing it out of anger or disrespect.

In declaring your intentions, show respect and keep your announcement short. Tell her what you plan to do and why you think it’s better, and, of course, invite her to join you. When you’ve said your piece, close the discussion so as to prevent filibuster.

Ultimately, it’s not about arguing at all, just about sharing your choices vis a vis the negative undercurrent situations in your marriage. You can acknowledge the metaphorical gorilla in the room as you would the real thing: calmly, confidently, and with a quick escape route.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement for picking issues and avoiding battles. “It’s too bad that my wife and I are not good at arguing our way through disagreements, but that hasn’t stopped us from achieving 20 years of pretty good marriage. It also won’t stop me from taking a stand if and when I think it’s necessary, as long as I can accept the fact that, as much as I love and respect her, there are times that we aren’t going to understand or agree with one another.”

My wife and I liked to party when we first met (nothing too crazy, we just went out a lot), but we just had our first kid, so we now spend a lot more time at home. My wife used to be a fun, bubbly person, and she still sort of is, but ever since the baby was born she’s been really stressed out, worrying that something bad will happen and the baby will die. Not stuff she could possibly prevent, just a random act that would kill our child, and the stress is so bad she is haunted by visions of our son in a casket. I think she’s dealing with this stress by drinking a bunch of wine with dinner and getting a little more than tipsy. I’ve told her to relax about stuff she can’t prevent, but she says she can’t help it, and I don’t like that she’s drinking too much, and where that’s going to go. I want to see my wife get some treatment that will relieve her stress so she can stop drinking too much.

You might wonder how wanting to help someone could be bad, and it’s because, as goals go, it’s often one you can’t reach. If you don’t accept that fact before making your plans, you’ll make things worse.

Here, for instance, there’s a good chance she’s too busy drinking and/or avoiding her problem to heed your good advice and, at least at first, she may not be able to stop herself (and if she could stop herself, you probably wouldn’t be writing me in the first place).

If you sound frustrated, frightened or critical when you talk to her, it will make her worse. Your goal is to see if you can help her, not force her into help. You can bring a wife away from wine, but you can’t force her not to (fret and) drink.

Once people get into the habit of using alcohol to treat anxiety, they often can’t stop, particularly if they’re waiting to feel better before stopping. All the while, alcohol makes anxiety worse (as well as depression, mania…the only things it doesn’t worsen are weddings and sporting events).

So, your goal for her drinking isn’t to reduce her anxiety so she won’t feel like drinking, but to provide her with reasons for stopping drinking, now, regardless of whether it makes her anxiety worse, (which it will), while she also searches for tools to feel better. You can’t make any of that fear go away, but you can give her good reasons to find ways to ignore it and focus more calmly on your baby’s bottle than her own.

Sure, remind her about the availability of treatments; but don’t be surprised if she just wants you to leave her alone because treatment makes her think about her fears, and she’d rather not/would rather open another bottle of red.

Don’t tell her that going to treatment will be enough to make you happy, because treatment is not always effective and it’s useful only if she undertakes it for her own reasons, rather than to get you off her back. Don’t tell her treatment will definitely make her happy, either, because if it doesn’t, you’re a liar and the fault is still yours.

Encourage her to consider her options, including cognitive therapies with ideas and mental exercises to counteract negative thoughts, behavioral therapies with physical exercises to reduce anxiety, and medical treatments that might ease both anxiety and the intensity of her visions.

Her biggest danger is not the pain of anxiety, but that her fear will drive her to give up doing what matters and stop her from being a good mother and wife. The fear scares her, but it’s her fear of that fear that drives her to drink, and that’s where you need to start.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that gives her positives alternative and encourages choice, not compliance. “You’re a strong woman and great mother, and I’m sorry that you’re tortured by fearful thoughts, but I’m more worried about the way your efforts to avoid those thoughts are interfering with your life. Instead of figuring out whether there’s a treatment worth trying, you’re panicking and using alcohol for relief. I know for a fact that alcohol makes anxiety symptoms worse, while it also undermines your ability to make tough decisions about treatment. You’re good at decisions. Don’t let fear make them for you.”

My daughter likes to bring her young son to our house on weekends (she’s a single mom) so he can see his grandparents and she can relax. Of course, my wife and I love to see him, but he’s getting to the age where he can walk and likes to grab everything he can get his hands on, and she doesn’t seem to notice. He’s knocked books off of shelves, broken some plates, and I recently wrenched my bottle of Lipitor out of his hands just as he was getting the lid off. I’ve told my daughter that she needs to watch him more closely, and she assures me she has a mother’s intuition and always stops him before he does anything wrong. She’s wrong, and my wife and I are too old to keep up with him. My goal is to get through to her, and protect our grandson, without getting her pissed off.

Forgive me for saying so, but I’m guessing your daughter’s obliviousness isn’t new. That and a lack of condoms is probably one of the main reasons she’s become a single mother.

If you’ve been wrestling with her obliviousness for years, now is the time to stop. She’s been your daughter a long time, and if you (and having a kid!) haven’t gotten through to her by now, it’s time to raise the white flag.

It’s sad and scary to admit that her obliviousness is not going to go away and will always force you to bear an extra burden of parental worry, but if you don’t accept this fact, you’ll clash, drive her away, and reduce your chance to make things safer and hang out with your grandchildren, even after they can control their limbs.

Your goal then isn’t to get through to her, but to do what you can to improve your grandson’s safety. Do what you can afford, be it toddler-proofing your house or hiring a teen babysitter/child-chaser who can walk around for hours bent over at 90 degrees.

For your sake, hide your worry and resentment. If your negative feelings show, she’ll feel you don’t trust her (which you don’t) and then avoid you. With luck, however (and given her track record), she’ll be too oblivious to notice how you feel.

Expect problems and look for dangers, while at the same time conveying pleasure and confidence. Behind closed doors, you can share your fear and resentment with your wife, but in front of your daughter, keep a poker face.

In the long run, maybe you can teach your grandson to watch out for himself, but resist the urge to follow him with nanny cams. The hardest thing you need to do, after you’ve done what’s reasonable, is let it be. Enjoy being grandparents and lock up your Lipitor.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a statement to keep your fears in check. “We did a reasonable job teaching our daughter about safety and responsibility (as did others), but she just doesn’t get it. Now we watch out for her and our grandson, when we get a chance. Our biggest achievement, however, is not solving the problem, because we can’t. It’s bearing our worries, keeping quiet about them, and not letting them spoil our relationship with her or our ability to get on with life.”

My ex and I had a drama-filled relationship and a rough break-up. Drama because I was drinking, which meant I was sometimes out of my mind, and rough because I got my shit together and tried to make it right with her but she dumped me anyway. The problem is that we work for the same boss, and now that we’re not together anymore, but I’m sober and sane, I’m wondering how to act towards her. Be friendly and normal? Are hugs in bounds? I can’t just ignore her, and I don’t want to, but things are strange. I want to show her that I’m cool, not nuts, and want things between us to be normal (whatever that means).

Be you an alcoholic or a Mormon, you have zero chance of instantly re-establishing friendship with someone you’ve just broken up with. Like cold fusion or a 2010 World Cup game without vuvuzelas, it’s never going to happen.

Since you are an ex-drinker, however, you should know that self-control is something you can never count on, particularly when your feelings for an ex-love are intense and her actions unpredictable.

Yes, you’d love to have a normal friendship; but ask yourself what your actual feelings are, and what they’ll push you to do, and what she’s likely to do in response, and, before you know it, you’ve got an answer that does not include the words “friendship” or “sobriety,” and may well include flying chairs.

Rather than holding yourself responsible for something you don’t control (always a no-no, unless you’re the President or a weatherman), your goal is to do what you can to promote mutual self-control and minimize pain. If that doesn’t meet your definition of “normal friendship,” I repeat, there is no such thing as normal friendship with someone you just ended a relationship with.

Maybe after some time passes and you both forget the hurt and bad behavior, you can get coffee together without excruciating awkwardness. For now, it’s more important that you salvage a working relationship and your job.

It doesn’t matter that you’d like to show her you don’t or do care, or that you’re happy without her, or dying because of her or that wish to re-unite/be friends/have some of that old crazy monkey sex, whatever. You’re entitled to have all those feelings and more, but keep them to yourself if you want to work and avoid a rapid re-enactment of your recent pain.

The standard operating procedure for limiting pain in these situations is labeled “polite detachment,” and blocks you from sharing or responding to feelings that fan the embers. She should get the same treatment as any other co-worker; polite hellos at the water cooler, appropriate eye contact, no flying furniture, and no hugs.

STATEMENT:
Stifle your romantic yearnings with the following directive. “My heart may want to share, but my job is to keep my job and protect my heart from receiving or delivering more hurt. So, if I seem stiff or cold, it’s not to wound, but to create a boundary that will help us both return to making a living.”

I had a tough childhood and spent lots of time in therapy learning how to take my feelings seriously and not let people step on me, so I think I did a pretty good job the other night, during a meeting of our coop board, when my neighbor, whom I like, was sarcastic about a project I proposed. I expect more respect, particularly from a friend and neighbor, so I really felt hurt and betrayed. But I was able to stand up and let him know I thought he’d been disrespectful. I was hoping he’d apologize, but afterward he walked out without looking at me. My goal is to get him to understand I want to be friends, but I won’t tolerate verbal abuse.

Sure, sometimes people are mean and shouldn’t be, and the hurt is real and devastating. It’s your responsibility, however, to figure out whether the mean people can ever recognize their meanness.

(If you’ve followed this blog, you know that most mean, hurtful people never recognize their own meanness, seeing it as retaliation for the wrongs of others, because that’s the way they are. If they recognized it they would have apologized and you wouldn’t be writing me).

When you try to hold a mean-blind meanie responsible for being nasty, he’ll tell you what you did to deserve it, and more. You’ll wind up more hurt, and he won’t.

Your background may have added to your being a very sensitive person. That’s not a horrible thing; your sensitivity probably makes you a better friend, more creative, and more tuned-in.

The downside is that being very/overly-sensitive may make you over-react, over-speak, and look bad, and then, if your right to feel offended depends on how you interpreted someone’s tone of voice (“tired” vs. “sarcastic and demeaning”), you’ll wind up arguing about the unprovable.

Your job then is to stop looking to change the meanie or bring about justice. Make the best of your relationship with him. If he’s worth the hurt, shut up, don’t fight, and keep the conversation cool, at least until you recover. If he’s not, shut up, bite the inside of your lip to keep from crying, and stay away.

In either case, keeping your feelings to yourself means less pain and more options. As a sensitive person, you always need to stop and think before you react. That’s not letting yourself get stepped on; it’s keeping your emotions from trampling all over your life.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a motivating statement: I have better missions in life than to stand up to jerks, regardless of how easily I’m hurt by them. If a worthwhile friend is a sometime jerk and can’t take a hint, I accept the pain, do my best to protect myself, and focus on what works. It’s too bad; but that’s life, and I don’t let hurt feelings determine how I deal with it.”

I believe in being a good friend and a great brother, and because of that, I remember everyone’s birthdays, anniversaries, etc, so it really pisses me off when no one remembers mine. I always seem to give more than I get, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask since I’m able to keep track of those things. I have no choice when it comes to family, but I wonder if I’ve been choosing the wrong friends. I like being a giver, but I don’t like being resentful and letting them know that I’m upset doesn’t seem to do any good. My goal is to find better friends.

Don’t confuse being a giving person with being a good person. Being good is supposed to be selfless, but giving is a self-serving pleasure, and that should tell you that it’s easy to overdo and/or do for the wrong reasons.

You might think I’m wrong, and insist you’re giving because you enjoy it and want to make the world a better place. If so, you best put on a bib, because you’re talking a lot of shit.

From what you’re saying, there’s a part of you that needs to get back what you’re giving, and seethes if you don’t get it back, soon. Venting your anger drives away potential friends, which makes you feel needier, which makes your giving more compulsive.

It turns into a neat vicious circle; you remember their birthdays, they forget yours, you’re so angry that you get into a fight and stop talking, which makes you feel that much more friend-hungry.

That’s a lot of birthdays to remember (and forget when you stop speaking to each other).

Instead of focusing on the feelings you get from the immediate give-and-take (or not-give) of your friendships, step back and think about what makes a friendship good. You want someone who’s reliable and has something good to offer, sooner or later, in deed more than word. You want support, not a timely Hallmark card.

If you’re needy, it’s just as easy to be suckered by friendly words from a slick type who doesn’t usually keep his friends as it is to reject an awkward verbal misfit who has the solid character and track record you’re looking for.

So stop all the giving and birthday-honoring. Stifle your fuckin’ Christmas spirit. Give in smaller amounts, wait, and see who your real friends are. They’re the ones who will give back, eventually, if you can keep your disappointment to yourself and get your standards in check.

STATEMENT:
Give yourself simple, reasonable rules for managing your expectations. “I like giving and receiving close attention, but I put a higher value on friends who are steady and reliable over the long run and don’t require, or necessarily give, constant attention. I’m willing to ignore it if they’re insensitive or forget about my birthday, even if it hurts, as long as I know that, on a deeper level, they’re good friends.”

My girlfriend has been on my ass to see a therapist about my “issues” as a new dad, but this is as close to therapy as I’m willing to get, so here goes. My girlfriend got pregnant and now we live together and have a baby. I work, she stays home with the kid, and after work, I like to go out with my friends and blow off steam before going home to face my girlfriend and baby, who are both crying and pissed. My girlfriend is mad at me for not being more responsible or accepting the fact I’m a dad now, but I didn’t ask to be a dad, and I am being responsible by taking care of my family, and I don’t think it’s asking too much to want some time to myself so I don’t lose my goddamned mind. My goal is to get my girlfriend off my ass.

There are lots of funny songs about the guilty pleasures of honky-tonking with your bar buddies while the old ball-and-chain gets set to chew you out when you get home. It stops being funny if she gives you your freedom, restricts visitation, and takes half your assets.

Whether you like it or not, you’ve got a family and you need to think about whether it’s worth keeping. You should have thought about this before you went condomless, but hey, hindsight’s 20/20 and all that.

Instead of jerking your knee in defiant reflex to a naggy woman, ask yourself what kind of father your child needs and whether meeting those needs is more important than your freedom.

Yes, you didn’t plan to start a family, it’s unfair to you, but it’s also unfair to your baby to be a jackass who values me-time over parenting.

Add up the advantages of family life; it’s whatever you’ll hate to lose if you divorce. If in doubt, ask a lawyer what you can expect to lose. Then, weigh it against what you hate about family life. Now you’re ready for a decision.

If she nags you, don’t get distracted by the idea that staying around is a form of wussiness, and going to the bar shows manly assertiveness. Don’t let your “don’t-tread-on-me” instinct decide the fate of your marriage.

If you need time with your buddies, negotiate with respect. You’ll be more effective if you stifle your manly swagger; it’s not an issue of being whipped by your wife, because you’re already fate’s bitch. Grow up, shut up, and for chrissakes, use birth control.

STATEMENT:
“Our partnership is important and I believe in doing my share; but we can both benefit from an evening out alone with friends, as well as from having time together. I’ve got a plan that will allow us to do that.”

I love how open-hearted and caring my girlfriend is, but I wish she’d be a little bit more selective with who she cares for. Specifically, she’s still in close contact with her ex-boyfriend, his friends, and even his family. I know she’s not interested in him anymore—he has a wife—but they have a large enough presence in her life that I’m jealous, just, well, creeped out. For example, this past winter we had to go to her ex’s parents’ anniversary dinner, which was limited to close family and us. What were we doing there besides feeling awkward (or really, was that just me)? I love this woman and want to marry her, but I don’t want to inherit her ex and his clan as in-laws. My goal is to get her to put up some fences in her personal life.

Remember Dr. Lastname’s first theory of relationships: your partner is who s/he is, and you are who you are. Then add up the pros and cons of partnership while not letting false hopes elbow reality aside.

Plug your situation into that model, and you get your goal. Don’t try to get your socially over-connected girlfriend to put up fences. Instead, figure out whether her style is likely to work for you.

Social butterflies are often very interesting people. Friendship is their art, and it can be fun being married to one. You meet lots of people who would otherwise have never entered your life, get lots of interesting invitations, and actually expand your circle of friends.

Decide from the beginning, however, whether you like most of the people and social adventures that she connects with, or not. Of course, you also need to know whether your girlfriend keeps her priorities, and boyfriends, straight.

Unless you’re Virginia Woolf’s remarkably tolerant husband, Leonard, you don’t want her sleeping around. So check out her track record for commitment, availability, financial responsibility, and the rest of the basic partnership job description.

Also, check out your own track record for sharing your significant other with the world. Regardless of how fascinating she is and how easy-going you’d like to be, you may not be good at sharing. Don’t fall for her and then try to change her, especially since she’s going to be spending her time trying to change you.

Don’t be distracted by the social thing, love, jealousy, or any of that feelings slurry. If her references don’t check out with your basic job description for a partner, drop her or you’ll be sorry. This isn’t emotional, this is math. Even if the facts are crunched in your favor, be prepared to share, or move on.

STATEMENT:
Assuming that she meets your partnership criteria and that you like most of her friends and exes, and their exes, etc, here’s a statement to help you address your joint social priorities. “I need to know that you’re committed to our spending time alone and with my (much smaller) social and family circle, and that parenting comes first, if we decide to have kids. I retain the right to opt out of some social events. Otherwise, I enjoy your style and look forward to sharing in your rich social life.”

I love my wife, and I have since we met in college. She’s also been very devoted to me, supporting my fledgling career as an artist and even taking a part-time job as my manager (on top of her full-time job, which supports us both). The problem is that, as much as I love her and as much as I’ve tried to ignore my feelings for other men, I’m pretty sure I’m actually gay. To admit that I’m gay would mean divorcing her, which would not only break her heart when all she’s ever done is sacrifice everything for me, but throw every aspect of my life, personally and professionally, into chaos. I don’t want to hurt her or lose her, and, well, I don’t want to go on welfare. My goal is to be true to both of us.

When you identify as gay, it’s not clear whether you mean the identity, or the actual sex act. “I’ve got to be myself” means, yes, you’ve got to be who you are, but no, you don’t have to have sex, unless you want to.

In other words, if having sex is not more important to you than holding onto a relationship that is otherwise meaningful and important, you don’t have to do it. It’s really that simple. You can be gay, and proud, and also proud of not having sex except when you want to, and not hurting someone you care about.

Now that you know you can control your sexual urges, you’re ready to be a priest, or a not-so-young husband (or wife) whose partner can’t respond. It’s part of being a grown-up. One of the extremely un-fun parts, but a part nonetheless.

If you stick with your wife because she’s a good provider, supporter, and business manager, your relationship sounds somewhat one-way, and that’s not good for either one of you.

You need to love as well as be loved, and know that you can love. Otherwise, your secret identify will not be that you’re gay, but that you’re a user. There’s a reason users don’t get pride parades.

On the other hand, if your wife and you are good friends and have built a life together with shared family and invested energy that would be destroyed by breaking up, then you’ve got to ask yourself whether gay love, sex, lifestyle, etc., are worth more.

Putting sex aside, ask yourself how much of you you’re hiding by hiding this part of your identity from your wife. Most coupled people need to self-edit—not hide, just edit—even with their closest relationships (particularly with their closest relationships).

You don’t want to push your partner to hear and respond to what they don’t really want to deal with. On the other hand, if being gay is part of your everyday thoughts, feelings, and humor, then hiding it makes your relationship false, and does a disservice to her as well as keeping you from being who you really are.

In which case, you need to share your secret identity (without, hopefully, the complications of sexual infidelity) and see whether she can accept you while you try to figure out whether the new relationship will work.

You’ll be gay in theory, just not in practice, which’ll have to be enough if you also want to stay married.

STATEMENT:
If you happen to choose this option, here’s a statement. “I think I’m gay and need to be more open about that side of my personality. No, I don’t think I need to have gay sex or a gay lover, at least not yet. What I do need is to be more open about my real thoughts and feelings. I don’t fault myself for not having told you earlier, because I didn’t know myself. Meanwhile, if you’re willing, I’d like us to continue as partners and see if this can work.”

I need to stay married because, while I work a pretty demanding job, my wife stays at home and watches our two kids, whom she adores. The problems are, however, (and there are many): she doesn’t work because of a migraine disorder that’s so debilitating that she’s on disability, and she takes too many non-prescription pain pills for those headaches, and, while they don’t make her a bad parent (I know the kids are safe), they often make her, in your words, a really needy, grumpy asshole and an impossible woman to be married to. I never know when she’s going to kick me out of the bedroom, scream at me in front of friends, or nod off after dinner. Needless to say, she won’t try marriage counseling or cutting back on the pills and thinks I’m bullying her if I suggest we have a problem. I can’t leave her, because it’d break the kids’ hearts, plus, like I said, she provides childcare, which is not something I could afford on my salary, and if I lost custody of the kids, I’d be in a worse hell than I am now. I know I can’t leave, but I don’t think I can live like this much longer. My goal is to find a better way to survive.

You’ve got good marital reasons for staying vs. leaving (the kids, the kids, the kids, and money, but also, the kids). There’s no escaping the fact, however, that her headache is infectious, and you’ve got it, too.

You’ve obviously built up a good, solid tolerance for living with your wife’s problems without fighting all the time, and your values and perspective are great. Which is why you probably already know that your goal is impossible.

Although the pain of living like this is pretty bad, it’s unavoidable, and the alternative, which you’re realistic about, is worse. The question then becomes, is there anything you can do to make things better.

If by “things” you mean hanging on to your initial hopes of a peaceful goodnight kiss, talk-things-out, happy-Mother’s-Day kind of marriage, then the best way to make your relationship better is to give up on your dream, take out your hankie, weep, blow your nose, and get on with it.

As you probably know already, trying to manufacture that kind of relationship using the reality of headache, drug abuse, and unrestrained nastiness will get you ripped up and make things worse for the kids. You probably already know this because you live it everyday.

On the other hand, if, by making things better, you mean minimizing pain and maximizing stability (instead of making your dreamiest dreams of a tranquil union come true), then discard the old conventions and remember the calming power of a wall, whether it’s made of bricks, silence, politeness, or emotional restraint. Hopefully, all of above.

Don’t be ashamed to show that you and your wife are not on the same page; fuck convention, because trying so hard to get on the same page is impossible and killing you both. Don’t be mean, but don’t hesitate to separate whenever you think the alternative won’t work.

Friends and kids may urge you to make nice, kiss, communicate, and listen to the minister/couples therapist. Don’t. Be ready to stand by your own idea of what works best.

Your wife copes with her worries by maintaining a steady diet of denial and pills, but that’s working for her and no one else. You can make everyone happy by being less of a good husband, more of a good roommate, and always a good dad.

STATEMENT:
“My relationship with my wife is very important. We’ve tried hard to stay close, despite a number of unresolvable problems, and too much closeness seems to make things worse. We still believe it’s best to stay and work together. What helps most are arrangements that allow us to live, work, and sleep separately when the tension or disagreements are too emotionally intense. I refuse to talk with her—with or without a helper in the room—about our anger and the issues behind it, because it opens the door on bad feelings and impossible expectations that invariably cause more pain. If, however, the talk is about ways of accepting and managing our differences and disengaging when we must, then I’m open to new suggestions.

I thought I could help my 13-year-old step-daughter after I married her father and taught him how to set some limits with her, but what’s happened is that he continues to be a can’t-say-no, don’t-damage-her-self-esteem wuss, she continues to raise hell to show him how much she hates her evil stepmother, and I’m starting to worry about her bad influence on my own 7-year-old girl. My stepdaughter is not just a brat; she’s already gotten suspended twice for drinking at school. Yes, twice. Our therapist can’t seem to get my husband to take a stand and has started to get down on me about how angry I am and she’s right, I’m starting to hate both my husband and his daughter. I don’t want to lose this marriage or act like an evil stepmother but I also want to protect my own girl.

Not every mixed family can end up like the Brady Bunch. Especially when Jan’s got a flask, Marsha’s pouring, and Cindy’s thirsty.

Once again, if what you want is a conventional, all-healed-up family, you can’t have it. It would be nice, but you gave it a good try and, as often happens in real life, you can never count on getting what you don’t control.

So if that’s what you want, and you keep trying to get your husband to take a stand, or stop your stepdaughter from misbehaving, or make sure bad influences can’t reach your own child, you’ll make things worse. As above, the first thing you can do to make things better is: give up on the idea of one happy family.

Decide for yourself whether what you’ve got is worth keeping; ask whether your husband–the-wuss is a good-enough partner when his daughter isn’t acting up and whether there’s a good chance that your stepdaughter’s troubles won’t gobble up your savings or infect your younger daughter.

If it’s worth staying, then cast aside convention, resign as a strong stepmother, and become a wise consort.

Yes, people (including your husband) may criticize you for not being more nurturing and involved in the life of your troubled stepdaughter. Assuming you aren’t, however, you’re free to avoid disciplining her or having much to do with her unless she asks for your help and is reasonably well behaved.

You can keep your door locked. You’re not punishing her; you’re just avoiding issues that can only end badly. In the meantime, you can remind your daughter how you expect her to behave, no matter what her step-sisters do, and remind yourself that it’s better to be an ex-step-mother than an evil one.

STATEMENT:
Prepare a statement that makes clear your distance is not intended to punish or demean. “I love my husband but it’s become clear to me, after trying hard, that I can’t make a positive contribution to raising his child. There’s no one to blame. Her age and our chemistry are simply wrong. The best way for us to manage our relationship is to keep it friendly but formal and avoid my assuming any parental authority. By this I do not mean to criticize her or withhold love; merely to make the best of a family relationship.

Last fall, I started hooking up with a girl who’s been a friend of mine since freshman year. It wasn’t anything serious, just your average friends with benefits deal, and neither one of us ever talked about her being my girlfriend or anything “real.” What I never knew before though is that this girl gets really depressed, and when she got really sick this winter, I was there for her because that’s what I’d do for any friend, whether we’re hooking up or not. She’s better now, but I’m kind of confused as to what’s happening between us. Sometimes I think I want to be her boyfriend, but I’m not sure I’m really that into her, and I don’t think she wants that from me, and at this point everything’s just really awkward and weird. I just want to know where we stand, or what I should do.

People often choose to be “friends with benefits” (FWB) because it seems easier than committing to a relationship, but don’t be so sure.

Having a FWB is like playing a fretless guitar that seems to offer musical freedom, but is actually more likely to produce noise unless you really know what you’re doing. In other words, don’t attempt a FWB situation unless you’ve learned what the rules are and can stick with them. It’s not for those who haven’t mastered their instrument.

You need that toughness and discipline so you don’t cross the line between friend and more-than-friend, which means being direct about your intentions (honorably limited) and vigilant about the many ways your actions can unwittingly contradict your words (by calling or sharing or sighing or talking too much).

Regardless of the actual ups and downs of how you feel, your words and actions should convey an unambiguous, consistent message. Otherwise, love or neediness may escape and create a situation you and/or your partner are not ready for.

Toughness is also necessary to determine whether your prospective sex-buddy has what it takes to stay within agreed-upon boundaries. Some agreeable friends really want something more and will be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

This may sound like some pretty rigid guidelines for what should be a care-free relationship—I ordered the sex, hold the commitment!—but at least when you’re a boyfriend or girlfriend, you know where you stand thanks to some fairly universal relationship guidelines. Being a FWB is living a gray zone unless you draw your own line in the sand.

In your situation, charity made you cross that line and become your FWB’s depression counselor. Good for you as a friend, bad for you as a recipient of benefits, because now, no one knows what to expect.

If you did it because you really, really liked her, then you would want to upgrade, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Don’t over think your feelings about her, because when most people are interested in someone romantically, they know pretty fast.

If one of you not being single is what kept you apart when you first met, getting together now makes sense, but if the spark just wasn’t there, then that’s why you aren’t together. As such, the reason you hooked up has more to do with loneliness than a unique connection, and might be worth leaving at that.

If you decide that you truly do want to go for a love upgrade, be sure your erstwhile non-exactly-lover is a solid person who would make a good partner, and that the benefit of a successful upgrade outweighs the loss of what you’ve already got. After all, once you jump from friends to boy/girlfriends, downgrading back to friends can be tricky, if not impossible.

Check out whether he/she is steady in other relationships and not too needy, sensitive, or vulnerable to runaway feelings. Remember, Glenn Close’s character in “Fatal Attraction” promised an attachment-free fuck and was probably sincere (in her own nutty way).

It’s your responsibility to make sure things are what they seem. Then figure out whether you want to make beautiful music together, or whether you’re just not ready to jam.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a Mission Statement to share with your friend. “I think we’re good at being friends, with or without benefits, but I know I’m not ready to go further because I don’t think the chemistry is quite right. I hope our friendship helped you during the winter when you were depressed. It left me feeling good about our friendship and with the same overall impression that that’s what our relationship is meant to be.”

Like a lot of single women in their 30s, I’ve gotten into internet dating, but I’m not very good at it, because I really don’t want to be mean to anyone, and I don’t think it’s fair to make up your mind about someone when you don’t really know them. I mean, sure, I have a physical type, but what I’m talking about is that I don’t want to brush off some poor guy after one cup of coffee just because he’s not my dream guy right off the bat, know what I mean? And I don’t think you can really learn that much about somebody based on a few emails, so basically I end up going on a bunch of dates that often aren’t that much fun or, if they are, I don’t get a call-back and wind up ruminating for a week about what went wrong. My goal is to figure out how to make online dating work.

Online dating doesn’t work unless you’re tough and disciplined (see case above). That’s because getting attached to someone who can’t return your feelings will wear you out and make you feel like an unattractive loser. It’s the way we’re wired (pardon the pun).

If your priority is to make everyone feel valued, send them some of Oprah’s favorite things. If you want to take advantage of the wide reach of online dating, which will expose you to large amounts of raw suiterage and toxic jerks, learn how to become an efficient and effective screener.

First, decide for yourself whether it’s moral to reject people, especially if it seems to cause them pain. In my opinion, it’s immoral not to reject people (assuming you do it politely and respectfully). Better to be tactfully honest than grudgingly lie.

If you don’t just rip off the Band-Aid, you’re leading them on and assuming responsibility for their feelings, making yourself vulnerable to manipulation and guilt, and/or promising what you can’t really deliver.

Sure, you may feel guilty if someone looks pained by your decision not to continue contact, but that’s just a passing feeling. Know the difference between guilty feelings and real guilt and learn how to ignore the former.

Of course, if you’re too sensitive to pain, either theirs or yours, you’re not ready to go hunting in love’s wild e-yonder, because hunting usually requires a willingness to tolerate pain. Your goal isn’t to avoid pain (or cause pain), but to minimize it, learn from it, and not let it interfere with an effective search.

If you’ve decided it’s OK not to run a ministry for the horny and needy and that guilty feelings can be ignored, then you’re ready to learn the principles of wide-reach screening and discover that you probably know them already.

Begin by listing the 5 or 6 criteria for excluding candidates, regardless of attractiveness. They include drug-use, poor money management, unreliability, a history of backing away from reasonable relationships, an inability to say no to horrible relatives, and a lack of interest in the kind of future that you want.

Then, while you’re chatting and searching for interpersonal chemistry, keep your list in mind and say good-bye whenever a red flag pops up. Time is short, screening is tiring, and the hunt is on.

STATEMENT:
Use your criteria to prepare a statement. “I’m interested in a reliable, hard-working, loyal grownup who can manage his/her money responsibly and is looking for a committed partner to share (name your future). I’m not in need of friendship or sex and I don’t have much time to chat, but I’ll get back to you if you’re interested and seem to be a possible match. ”

I have a 30-year-old patient whom I’ve been seeing in weekly psychotherapy for 6 months and he had a terrible history of sexual and physical abuse and years in state care. Amazingly, despite all his trauma and several prior failed treatments, he settled into a trusting relationship with me. He tells me I’m the first person he’s bonded with, and he’s been able to stop using cocaine, and, for the first time, sees some hope for himself. The problem is that he just got a new job, and I’m not covered by his new insurance plan. He wrote me a letter telling me how much he feels his recovery depends on continuing the treatment we’ve started and I feel professionally obliged to put his welfare ahead of my financial needs, but I’d like to get paid. My goal is to do right by my patient, and not trigger the feelings of abandonment that underlie much of his negative behavior, but I’m not sure how long I can afford to see him for nothing.

There are many therapists who believe the best thing you can do for a troubled patient like this is to “be there,” providing the steady acceptance and secure relationship that they need for healing. I’m not one of them.

The sad fact is that the healing power of currently available treatments is vastly over-rated and a good example of false hope and the harm it can cause.

What’s wrong is that our treatments, in terms of demonstrated effectiveness, are all rather weak, and it shouldn’t be surprising; we do our best, but life, such as it is, is a bitchmonster from hell. You can’t undo the past, change personality, stop drug cravings, or even guarantee that you’ll be available next week.

Look where you’re going with this treatment and “mind the gap,” as they say on the London Underground, because, as ideal a healer as you seem right now, there are many ways this dynamic could get tripped up.

For example, unexpectedly, you and/or your treatment rub the patient the wrong way. It may be that you fail to live up to an impossibly high ideal or that you have a bad day and say the wrong thing. When that happens, trust disappears and with it, your patient’s rationale for healing.

You try to stay calm, remain empathetic, and ride out the storm while resenting having your personality dissected for an unpaid hour. If your anger shows, it gives your patient more reason to feel victimized and find a therapist who can help him recover from his latest trauma/treatment.

Another common outcome is the “Bill Murray Morass,” whereby he continues to feel strongly that treatment is beneficial and can’t imagine living without it, and you, and this continues for many years, while you continue to feel responsible and indispensable. “What About Bob?”, indeed.

You and “Bob” could argue that treatment has benefited his control over negative impulses, but it has also fostered a sense of dependency and fragility that will surface if, God forbid, you should die first, or, more likely, he just changes his mind.

So don’t buy into his idea of your precious relationship. If he liked you, it proves he has the capacity to like another therapist. There are many fish in the sea, many therapists in his insurance directory. If he depends on that positive feeling to stay sober or maintain a positive idea of the future, he’s in trouble, and so are you.

Your goal is for him to build up ideas for staying sober and fighting off despair that are not dependent on a single relationship or good feeling, and that can stand up to rejection and depression. In other words, you want to “be there” for your patient, but you don’t want to be the only thing between him and oblivion. Don’t beget a Bob.

STATEMENT:
Our relationship has been positive, but it’s important for you to manage negative beliefs, despair, and anger when you’re not feeling closely supported, and our stopping treatment gives you just such an opportunity. You have the capacity to form a positive relationship, so I’m confident you’ll do well in shopping around for a new therapist. Meanwhile, it’s good for you to focus more on the ideas than on the individual, because it’s your own ideas and the way you use them that will give you strength to manage yourself. I’m confident that this will work out well.”

I have a new patient who’s a young woman, college freshman, who was sent to therapy by her parents after her roommate turned her in for cutting her arms and drinking too much. After a fair amount of discussion, I started her on a medication trial and explained to her that these pills take a while to work (if they work at all), but it didn’t sink in, because after a week she’d had enough with feeling tired and hungry, especially because she still felt depressed and anxious. Not long after that, she declared that therapy in general was a waste of her time and she could stop drinking and self-mutilating on her own. Part of me thinks that it’s not my job, or anyone’s job, to sell her on treatment if she’s not ready, but I admit, there’s a softy side of me that doesn’t want to let her off the hook just so that she can really hurt herself or get kicked out of school. My goal is to get this kid to give treatment one more chance.

It’s tempting to tell a young woman with obvious problems that she should stay in treatment, but don’t. This is not the time to listen to your softer side. Of course you wish she would feel better and stay positive, but first, you and she must accept your lack of control.

If psychiatric treatment—medication or psychotherapy—were more reliable and effective, maybe it would be worthwhile to give such advice. More often than not, however, the first trial of treatment doesn’t work or causes side effects and patients who are already angry and disappointed about their life expectations are then quick to feel that their negative beliefs have been redeemed.

Your goal isn’t to get her to stay in treatment; it’s to give her tools to make rational and positive decisions about treatment. You don’t want her treatment decisions to depend on her positive relationship with you (see: above Bob) or an initial positive result. You want them to depend on her own ability to weigh risks and benefits and do what’s right.

It’s easier to help her think realistically about treatment if you crush false hope up front. You are obviously well aware that treatments of any kind rarely bring about a “cure.” I’m often reminded, when patients cite a pharmaceutical add touting a particular medication as “effective,” that the scientific meaning of the word is the opposite of its meaning in plain English.

In the language of science, effective means “better than nothing,” not “helpful most of the time.” Life is tough and so are most psychiatric problems. Unfortunately, so is your patient’s attitude.

Ultimately, you want her to know that, while you don’t care which decision she makes, you do care a great deal that you make she makes that decision rationally. Being soft won’t work, so be hard, or really, be honest, not emotional or sentimental.

STATEMENT:
Here’s a speech for encouraging her to take good care of herself and use treatment appropriately. “I wish I could tell you that treatment will ease your pain, but it often doesn’t. Given the fact that depressive feelings often come from genes and that we don’t have a cure, it’s not surprising that they tend to come and go and then return, even when a medication or other treatment has been very helpful. So the main goal of treatment isn’t to make you feel better, but to make you stronger and better able to tolerate your condition, much as if it were diabetes. You can get stronger by choosing the right psychotherapist or therapy or 12 step group and also appropriate friends and readings, because the right choice can make you stronger, and the wrong choice won’t. Medication is worth trying if your symptoms are hurting or threatening to get you canned. There’s a risk that each medication will cause side effects or won’t work, but you don’t want to make a choice about meds because you love or hate them. You want to weigh the risks of not taking them and the possible benefit of their working. If I were in your position, I’d definitely be trying them, but it’s your call.”

My boss has never really been supportive of my work, but we get along well, and it’s partly because I haven’t asked for a raise in over 20 years. Recently, however, he began to give me a hard time about leaving early, and it’s really pissed me off because I work a lot at home on the computer (my husband and I have trouble getting reliable after-school childcare) and I take pride in working hard. (It’s particularly unfair and infuriating because I’ve had an unusually good year and everyone, including my boss’s boss, the big boss, knows it and I was even thinking now, finally, I would get a raise. Certainly not a reprimand. I’m reaching my breaking point here, because it’s one thing to work your ass off for poor pay because you like the work and the people on your team, but another to be bullied over nothing on top of that. I’m meeting with the big boss tomorrow and my goal is to get the credit I deserve and maybe give him a piece of my mind.

Reassuring women about their feelings instead of giving them a raise is something guys have done to girls (and communication-sensitive people of all genders) since the glass ceiling was made out of quills.

This is not to say that men are entirely at fault; women make it easy for guys to do this by bringing up their feelings as a reason/using them to push for a raise, instead of letting facts and economics do the pushing for them.

So, if your goal is really to get the credit you deserve, you don’t mean a pat on the head and a gift certificate to the Teddy Bear mart. Unfortunately, if you give someone a piece of your mind instead of a business-like argument, that’s what you’ll get in return: a chance to express your feelings of pent-up outrage and hear that “he feels your pain” and values you greatly with no change to your paycheck.

What’s even worse about expressing outrage is that it may make the boy-bosses nervous and force them to band together against you. If you make them feel guilty for having underpaid for and underappreciated your work, they’re much more likely to justify themselves by finding fault with your performance than to blame themselves and see that justice is done.

Your real goal, 20 years in, is to try to get a raise, because a job is what you do to make money, not to be understood or have your feelings relieved, regardless of how much pressure they’re building up inside.

Shut up about your feelings, ask for a raise, and do it positively. Fortunately, you don’t need to be eloquent or impassioned. If you’ve got a good record of sales or productivity to back you up, which you do, you’ve got great ammunition, so just stay unemotional and cite the reasons the company would be smart to give it to you.

Mention your boss’s criticism in passing and then knock it down without implying he’s bad, mean, or intentionally unfair. Document as much as you can.

End pleasantly. Let the facts, and not your passionate or intimidating tone, persuade the big boss he should think hard about your raise, regardless of what your immediate boss is fussing about.

People can live their whole lives without getting what they deserve; but few people can work one place for 20 years without at least having a good case for increasing their paycheck. Be emotional, and you’ll get condescended to. Be professional, and you might actually get the cash.

STATEMENT:
“Thanks for finding time for this meeting. I want to propose a major raise because, for many years now, my responsibilities have expanded and my value to the company has increased, while my salary has gradually fallen farther behind what my peers make. This year, the great results my team and I achieved make the disparity more obvious. As much as I love working here, I don’t want to be penalized for my loyalty. My supervisor would probably agree with this reasoning, but recently he seemed distracted by the idea that I was leaving early. In fact, I’ve always worked hard but, particularly with the extra work this past year, working at home has been more efficient than staying in the office and looking busy. Here is a summary of my actual job description, some data about the range of salaries currently being paid for a comparable position, and my idea of what my salary should be. Please let me know what you think of my reasoning and, if you agree, what you can do to improve my salary.”

My work re-located six months ago, and since then, I’ve had to share a small office with another woman in my department. I’ve never known her that well or talked to her much before we became office-mates, but since the move, she’s made it really hard to get work done with her incessant over-sharing. It’s not just that she talks constantly, which she does, but that she talks about things I really don’t feel comfortable hearing about, like her sex life (or really her husband’s dependency on Cialis), speculation about our co-worker’s sex lives…she even started talking about her daughter’s sex life recently, which was the last straw. When I complained about her to a supervisor, however, he seemed to write off the situation as bad chemistry, or two ladies having a tiff, but I’m afraid that my inability to get work done is going to be reflected in poor performance, and then my job will really be on the line. My goal is to get this crazy woman out of my office.

Don’t get obsessed with pushing out your nattering office-mate, or your anger will weaken your case and allow you to be dismissed as, you guessed it, emotional.

You have a right to feel the way you do. Express your feelings, however, and the guys may dismiss you as an emotional girl having trouble with another hen.

Put your goal into business-like, unemotional terms on which all can agree. You want a work-place that allows you and others to get their work done and, if there’s a problem, you want to address it without negative feelings. Stick with this idea and it will keep you out of trouble.

Staying unemotional and logical also puts you and your boss on the right side of the law. Every dispute in an office can turn legal and, by Murphy’s Law, when it does, justice is seldom served (if anyone get’s served, it’s going to be you).

If you seem angry at your office-mate and she claims to be victimized by your making a big deal out of a few innocent statements, your boss has to worry about her protesting his reprimand.

Let your office-mate know, politely, each time you don’t wish to be distracted by a private conversation. Develop a formula that stays professional even if you have to use it many times. You could say, “I’d like to listen, but I’ve got to stay focused.” Even if you have to say it over and over again.

Collect facts because, like the previous mistreated worker, facts, not emotions, are where the strength in your complaint lies. Keep a log, so whenever she over-rides your polite request, write down the date, time, what she says and for how long.

When you present the problem to your boss, don’t make him think or do the work of data-gathering. State your commitment to finding respectful and positive solutions and your regret at having to document behavior you wish your colleague could control.

The more you edit out your anger, the more her own statements, particularly the inappropriately juicy parts, will speak for themselves without seeming exaggerated and the better your chances that the henhouse will be quiet again.

STATEMENT:
“Several months ago, I told my office-mate, respectfully, that I found it very distracting when she struck up a personal conversation when I was trying to concentrate and that, without meaning to be offensive, I would let her know when I needed her to stop. I followed up with an email making that point, which I’ve attached. Unfortunately, she really couldn’t stop herself and things didn’t get better, so here’s my record, covering the last month, of what she said after I asked her to stop. I know she doesn’t mean any harm, but this constitutes a kind of harassment and interference with my work—I need to meet productivity standards—and I need your help to get my work done.”